EVERY BOWL GAME IN TEN WORDS
by Orson on Dec 9, 2008 1:19 PM EST
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PrintWe now present the only guide to bowl watching you'll need: every bowl game previewed in just ten words each.
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy, Washington, D.C. RFK Stadium Dec. 20, 11 a.m., ESPN.
Take early "working" lunch! Eat piggishly.Fall asleep on desk.
That app combo plate is a devastator.
New Mexico Colorado State vs. Fresno State, Albuquerque University Stadium Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN
It takes ten words to say: "You won't watch this."
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl! Memphis vs. South Florida, St. Petersburg. Fla, Tropicana Field, Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2
Bonus of covering this? Hustling shuffleboard money, meds off geezers.
Pioneer Las Vegas, BYU vs. Arizona, Las Vegas, Sam Boyd Stadium, Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN
Mormons Meet Meth in Mid-desert Melee. Sex? (Yes:guilty, furtive handjobs.)
R+L Carriers New Orleans, Southern Miss vs. Troy, New Orleans Superdome, Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
You won't watch, but someone's catching herpes on this trip.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, Boise State vs. TCU, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium, Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN.
Undefeated = TCU and fifty bucks in new checking account!
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, Hawaii vs. Notre Dame, Honolulu, Aloha Stadium Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN
Weis in volcano "accident"; delicious smell permeates island. Buyout: POOF!
Motor City Bowl, Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan, Detroit Ford Field, Dec. 26, 8 p.m. ESPN
Schnellenberger wins, then attempts Big Three bailout with confederate money.
Meineke Car Care Bowl, West Virginia vs. North Carolina, Charlotte, N.C. Bank of America Stadium, Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN
Stewart lubricates world with magical Suck-Oil. Poor Pat White.
Champs Sports Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Florida State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
Cheese-eating fatboys take crowbar in teeth from deranged old cracker.
Emerald Bowl, Miami (Fla.) vs. California, San Francisco AT&T Park, Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN
Canes in Castro: "Where's gang bang?" Get address. Get CONFUSED.
Independence Bowl, Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech, Shreveport, La. Independence Stadium, Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
Shreveport, the best place on earth...for me to POOP ON.
Papajohns.com Bowl, NC State vs. Rutgers, Birmingham, Ala. Legion Field Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN.
O'Brien has staring contest with tub of garlic butter, wins.
Valero Alamo Bowl, Missouri vs. Northwestern, San Antonio Alamodome Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN
Chase Daniel versus Northwestern's secondary: arm falls off at halftime.
Roady's Humanitarian Bowl, Maryland vs. Nevada, Boise, Idaho Bronco Stadium, Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
Truck stop sponsor! Gift bag is ephedrine, one live hooker.
Texas Bowl, Rice vs. Western Michigan, Houston Reliant Stadium, Dec. 30, 8 p.m., NFL Network
Sage Rosefels, though in NFL, still throws a pick here.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, Oklahoma State vs. Oregon, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN
Officiated by Dick Bavetta. Points! Winner gets whale steaks. (Shhhh...)
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Houston vs. Air Force, Fort Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, Dec. 31, Noon ESPN
Ditto on: points! Loser's mascot to be incinerated in DARPA tests.
Brut Sun Bowl, Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh, El Paso, Texas Sun Bowl Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS
Wannstache on Mexican border plus $1.99 mask equals ZORRO SIGHTING.
Gaylord Hotels Music City, Boston College vs. Vanderbilt, Nashville, Tenn. LP Field Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN
"Gaylord" not funny not funny FUCK IT--Funny. Fark, FTW.
Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota, Tempe, Ariz. Sun Devil Stadium, Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network
Mangino puts foot up they ass; deja vu for Minnesota:
Chick-fil-A Bowl, LSU vs. Georgia Tech, Atlanta, Georgia Dome Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN
Fried food spurs LSU; Tigers never lose when batter's around.
Outback Bowl, South Carolina vs. Iowa, Tampa, Fla. Raymond James Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN.
Only hope for Gamecocks: Shonn Greene, Mons Venus, booze, repeat.
Capital One Bowl, Georgia vs. Michigan State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC.
Dantonio suspends EVERYONE for not wearing top hats. LOSS, Spartans.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, Clemson vs. Nebraska, Jacksonville, Fla., Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS
Nebraska giggles at grown man named Dabo, cramps. Wins anyway.
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi, Penn State vs. USC, Pasadena, Calif. Rose Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC
JoePa says "I haven't seen that much blood since Antietam."
FedEx Orange Bowl, Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech, Miami Dolphin Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m., FOX
Jenkins says, "It's okay, I won't watch this, either."
AT&T Cotton Bowl, Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech, Dallas, Cotton Bowl Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX
If sanity were oxygen, both coaches would suffocate. GIGGITY YARR.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Kentucky vs. East Carolina, Memphis, Tenn., Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN
Rich Brooks thinks your muffler is bullshit. Skip calls agent.
Allstate Sugar Bowl, Utah vs. Alabama, New Orleans Superdome Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX
ALABAMA SMASH. Utes drink Hurricanes, cry into gutter. (NOLA tradition.)
International Bowl, Buffalo vs. Connecticut, Toronto, Rogers Centre, Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2
If you watch, it's really just morbid curiosity. Or: gluttony.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, Ohio State vs. Texas, Glendale, Ariz. University of Phoenix Stadium Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX.
Will Muschamp holds up cuneiform defense, says "Read it!" Pryor cries.
GMAC Bowl, Tulsa vs. Ball State, Mobile, Ala., Ladd-Peebles Stadium Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN
Just gluttony at this point. Ball State loses by eleventybillion.
FedEx BCS National Championship Game, Florida vs. Oklahoma.
Oklahoma scores a hundred. Why even play it? JINX, ACTIVATED.
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All commenters furtively seeking sardonically witty ten word long ripostes.
by zzgator on Dec 9, 2008 1:26 PM EST reply actions
Bravo, sir, and I won’t even insult you by counting to make sure each one only had ten words — though I bet it’s an hour, tops, before some knob comes on here claiming to have done just that.
by Doug on Dec 9, 2008 1:28 PM EST reply actions
Bravo, good sir! That was well done, well done indeed!
by SC_Gator on Dec 9, 2008 1:39 PM EST reply actions
I thought pissing in the gutters was the NOLA tradition.
by me on Dec 9, 2008 1:43 PM EST reply actions
flush this crap we only need Rose, Sugar, Cotton, Orange.
by OhioDawg on Dec 9, 2008 1:44 PM EST reply actions
December 20th in St. Petersburg: good excuse to punish my liver.
by TJ on Dec 9, 2008 1:50 PM EST reply actions
“Canes in Castro….get CONFUSED”
I just drew attention to myself at work with an unsuccessfully stifled outburst of pure glee at those ten words.
by adub on Dec 9, 2008 1:52 PM EST reply actions
Behold my rebellious new riposte structure, bucking the trend of edsbs.
by THETexasStateUniversity on Dec 9, 2008 1:52 PM EST reply actions
@ 5 – I thought throwing up in the gutter was the NOLA tradition.
by hobeg8r on Dec 9, 2008 1:52 PM EST reply actions
I just woke up from my post-lunch nap… and very refreshing it was too.
by DC Trojan on Dec 9, 2008 1:54 PM EST reply actions
Some of those games will have 10 TDs or more!
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Dec 9, 2008 2:03 PM EST reply actions
Tom O’Brien: no flash, just 41-10 UNC beatdowns for fans
by Herb on Dec 9, 2008 2:20 PM EST reply actions
Shreveport likes to all itself the “buckle” of the bible belt. That must make NOLA the “zipper”.
- & #10 – You’re both right. But folks come back for more…
by DrBundy on Dec 9, 2008 2:21 PM EST reply actions
How in the hell did a Maquoketa, Iowa guy make your freaking list — Maquoketa, Iowa = donkey-penis
by The Holy Grail on Dec 9, 2008 2:31 PM EST reply actions
Angry emails from Shreveport are being typed as we speak…again.
by Bunkie Perkins on Dec 9, 2008 3:00 PM EST reply actions
I’m really glad I didn’t read the Hawaii Bowl preview at work or in a library. That would have embarrassing.
Well done, Orson.
by John on Dec 9, 2008 3:09 PM EST reply actions
I love the concept of Alabama as THE HULK of college football teams.
After a decade of trying to be a west-coast (Dubose), option (Fran), and a pass-first pro-style (Price and Shula) team, FINALLY, FINALLY, someone realized that Gene Stallings had it right all along: POUND POUND POUND running game, giant lineman on both sides of the ball, and a moderately talented QB.
(Of course to Stallings’ formula we’ve added Saban recruiting, so that’s kinda cool)
Funny how teams fit a certain personality and the difficulties you encounter when trying to completely change a program into something new: see – Nebraska, see also – 2007 Auburn
by Bama on Dec 9, 2008 3:41 PM EST reply actions
@ 21
It helps in the Auburn case when your AD is willing to pull the trigger on a coach with an undefeated season on his resumee. It doesn’t help when he considers Patrick “a-hyuck” Nix as a viable coaching replacement. Predicting a decade of Auburn failure here.
by GTSteve on Dec 9, 2008 3:51 PM EST reply actions
I would like to stand up for magicJack – it worked great for me for 35 years! I couldn’t do this sort of thing while I was using magicJack, but now that I’m happily married, I’d like to give two thumbs up for magicJack
by A.C. Green on Dec 9, 2008 3:59 PM EST reply actions
I for one cannot wait to see the heinious matching shirts, fresh off the tourist/visiting coach only rack at the Oahu WalMart that Charlie and the Domer staff will be wearing.
by drogue on Dec 9, 2008 4:14 PM EST reply actions
“It takes ten words to say: You wont watch this. "
Oh, my BetUS account begs to differ.
/take all the bowl game overs and thank me later.
by GamecockTony on Dec 9, 2008 4:51 PM EST reply actions
as a maryland fan, i get to watch them play in not only the best named bowl…. but one also attended by trucker two times and other amateur film makers he’s talked out of suicide… all of my dreams
by mchopper56 on Dec 9, 2008 5:53 PM EST reply actions
“Losers mascot to be incinerated in DARPA tests.”
Actually, they’ll get incinerated in the final ARH-70 tests. The winning school will get two of these lovely helicopters to use in a Hunter-Killer formation to eradicate opponents’ Recruiting Coordinators, thus allowing them to get better recruits the easy way.
It’s the only way Bell can get a tax writeoff after the Army discontinued the program.
by Studley on Dec 9, 2008 7:27 PM EST reply actions
Orson,
Since 7 bits of info is the most you can fit into short term memory-the preview should really be 7 words or less…at least 3 words for every preview are totally forgotten. You and your clever 10 words…
by www.southbendblarney.com on Dec 9, 2008 8:33 PM EST reply actions
Orson… there’s really no reason for the jinx.
OU may score 100, but I’m pretty sure Florida scores 101. It seems to be our destiny.
King Barry, give me the strength to have a good feeling about this one.
by CincySooner on Dec 10, 2008 1:13 PM EST reply actions
Come on, activate that jinx your florida homers.
by Hunter on Dec 10, 2008 1:14 PM EST reply actions
Cap One Bowl
Goodbye Moreno and Stafford. Fire Martinez, Fire Martinez, Fire Martinez.
by Larry Langolier on Dec 10, 2008 3:08 PM EST reply actions
Sooners get thrashed in Miami; Tebow does the chicken dance.
by Desert SAPPER on Dec 10, 2008 6:55 PM EST reply actions
The first damn time in three years I’ll be home in Shreveport (the biggest city in East Texas!) during the Independence Bowl, and there’s not one team I want to see in it. I’d give my left kidney for tickets to the Sugar Bowl, but I’m pretty sure the going rate is two kidneys and an eye.
Well, to hell with it. Roll Tide and Go Gators.
by Petie on Dec 11, 2008 10:38 AM EST reply actions
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