We now present the only guide to bowl watching you’ll need: every bowl game previewed in just ten words each.

EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy, Washington, D.C. RFK Stadium Dec. 20, 11 a.m., ESPN.

Take early “working” lunch! Eat piggishly.Fall asleep on desk.


That app combo plate is a devastator.

New Mexico Colorado State vs. Fresno State, Albuquerque University Stadium Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN

It takes ten words to say: “You won’t watch this.”

magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl! Memphis vs. South Florida, St. Petersburg. Fla, Tropicana Field, Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2

Bonus of covering this? Hustling shuffleboard money, meds off geezers.

Pioneer Las Vegas, BYU vs. Arizona, Las Vegas, Sam Boyd Stadium, Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN

Mormons Meet Meth in Mid-desert Melee. Sex? (Yes:guilty, furtive handjobs.)

R+L Carriers New Orleans, Southern Miss vs. Troy, New Orleans Superdome, Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

You won’t watch, but someone’s catching herpes on this trip.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, Boise State vs. TCU, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium, Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN.

Undefeated = TCU and fifty bucks in new checking account!

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, Hawaii vs. Notre Dame, Honolulu, Aloha Stadium Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN

Weis in volcano “accident”; delicious smell permeates island. Buyout: POOF!

Motor City Bowl, Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan, Detroit Ford Field, Dec. 26, 8 p.m. ESPN

Schnellenberger wins, then attempts Big Three bailout with confederate money.

Meineke Car Care Bowl, West Virginia vs. North Carolina, Charlotte, N.C. Bank of America Stadium, Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN

Stewart lubricates world with magical Suck-Oil. Poor Pat White.

Champs Sports Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Florida State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

Cheese-eating fatboys take crowbar in teeth from deranged old cracker.

Emerald Bowl, Miami (Fla.) vs. California, San Francisco AT&T Park, Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN

Canes in Castro: “Where’s gang bang?” Get address. Get CONFUSED.

Independence Bowl, Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech, Shreveport, La. Independence Stadium, Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

Shreveport, the best place on earth…for me to POOP ON.

Papajohns.com Bowl, NC State vs. Rutgers, Birmingham, Ala. Legion Field Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN.

O’Brien has staring contest with tub of garlic butter, wins.

Valero Alamo Bowl, Missouri vs. Northwestern, San Antonio Alamodome Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN

Chase Daniel versus Northwestern’s secondary: arm falls off at halftime.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl, Maryland vs. Nevada, Boise, Idaho Bronco Stadium, Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

Truck stop sponsor! Gift bag is ephedrine, one live hooker.

Texas Bowl, Rice vs. Western Michigan, Houston Reliant Stadium, Dec. 30, 8 p.m., NFL Network

Sage Rosefels, though in NFL, still throws a pick here.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, Oklahoma State vs. Oregon, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN

Officiated by Dick Bavetta. Points! Winner gets whale steaks. (Shhhh…)

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Houston vs. Air Force, Fort Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, Dec. 31, Noon ESPN

Ditto on: points! Loser’s mascot to be incinerated in DARPA tests.

Brut Sun Bowl, Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh, El Paso, Texas Sun Bowl Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS

Wannstache on Mexican border plus $1.99 mask equals ZORRO SIGHTING.

Gaylord Hotels Music City, Boston College vs. Vanderbilt, Nashville, Tenn. LP Field Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN

“Gaylord” not funny not funny FUCK IT–Funny. Fark, FTW.

Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota, Tempe, Ariz. Sun Devil Stadium, Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network

Mangino puts foot up they ass; deja vu for Minnesota:

Chick-fil-A Bowl, LSU vs. Georgia Tech, Atlanta, Georgia Dome Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN

Fried food spurs LSU; Tigers never lose when batter’s around.

Outback Bowl, South Carolina vs. Iowa, Tampa, Fla. Raymond James Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN.

Only hope for Gamecocks: Shonn Greene, Mons Venus, booze, repeat.

Capital One Bowl, Georgia vs. Michigan State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC.

Dantonio suspends EVERYONE for not wearing top hats. LOSS, Spartans.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, Clemson vs. Nebraska, Jacksonville, Fla., Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS

Nebraska giggles at grown man named Dabo, cramps. Wins anyway.

The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi, Penn State vs. USC, Pasadena, Calif. Rose Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC

JoePa says “I haven’t seen that much blood since Antietam.”

FedEx Orange Bowl, Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech, Miami Dolphin Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m., FOX

Jenkins says, “It’s okay, I won’t watch this, either.”

AT&T Cotton Bowl, Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech, Dallas, Cotton Bowl Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX

If sanity were oxygen, both coaches would suffocate. GIGGITY YARR.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Kentucky vs. East Carolina, Memphis, Tenn., Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN

Rich Brooks thinks your muffler is bullshit. Skip calls agent.

Allstate Sugar Bowl, Utah vs. Alabama, New Orleans Superdome Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

ALABAMA SMASH. Utes drink Hurricanes, cry into gutter. (NOLA tradition.)

International Bowl, Buffalo vs. Connecticut, Toronto, Rogers Centre, Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2

If you watch, it’s really just morbid curiosity. Or: gluttony.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, Ohio State vs. Texas, Glendale, Ariz. University of Phoenix Stadium Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX.

Will Muschamp holds up cuneiform defense, says “Read it!” Pryor cries.

GMAC Bowl, Tulsa vs. Ball State, Mobile, Ala., Ladd-Peebles Stadium Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN

Just gluttony at this point. Ball State loses by eleventybillion.
FedEx BCS National Championship Game, Florida vs. Oklahoma.

Oklahoma scores a hundred. Why even play it? JINX, ACTIVATED.