For starters, you could try this BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH:
Available now on Amazon. If you'd like to get us something else, you can buy Mike Freeman, Oxford graduate and PhD candidate at Awesometown University, a clue.
(Actually, there is something you can get EDSBS for Christmas, but we'll get on that tomorrow.)
ps. Also: Colt McCoy is accurate in ways you hadn't imagined.