EDSBS RAW: NAKED SUSHI BUFFET PICKS, WEEK 15
by Holly Anderson on Dec 6, 2008 12:35 PM EST
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Programming note: Swindle is flitting about the Metro ATL area like an overly excited, be-fauxhawked schoolgirl and I'm typing through a haze that makes me wish Prohibition had never been repealed. Here is some highly subjective and illogical soothsaying. Game thread up a little later. Go cure cancer.
#23 Pittsburgh @ Connecticut
HOLLY, FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN LOLZ: The Wannstache is a master of his craft. His craft is finding ways to lose juuuust enough games for no reason to make us all ignore him, then start winning just to piss us off. Pitt finds itself somehow sitting pretty at 8-3, and none of you had any idea, did you? Be that as it may, this is still the team that lost to Bowling Green. Oooh, and Rutgers (and yes, we are very sorry we weren't around for Mike Teel's one-man show last night). McCoy runs thisaway, Brown runs thataway, and this one'll come down to whoever can kill enough of the clock in Q4. Huskies for the upset.
Navy vs. Army
HOLLY, INDIFFERENT (BUT PATRIOTIC, YOU BETCHA): Both teams can run. Both teams can also defend the run with relative ease. Neither one has had to pass, or had much success when trying all season. Navy's on a five-game streak against Army, but for the first time in a very long while the Black Knights (someone important please name our actual Army the Black Knights, all of it) ain't that bad. Navy, by force of habit.
#17 Boston College vs. #25 Virginia Tech
HOLLY, READY TO JETTISON THIS ENTIRE G-DAMN CONFERENCE INTO THE OCEAN FOR WHICH IT IS NAMED: We were tossing around the idea of taking a field trip to the ACCCG, purely because we were betting on getting prime seats somewhere in the $4.50 range and being able to drink ourselves stupid on television. You know what? This game isn't even worth watching for the novelty factor. Pass.
Washington @ California
HOLLY, ONLY HALF-JOKINGLY APOLOGETIC: Look, we pick ten games and there's not a whole lot in the way of choice this week. Would you rather read about Western Kentucky-Florida International's impending barnburner? Me too, actually. Oh, and UW has this one chance to avoid going winless on the year, and it's not a very good chance, because they are terrible. Fin.
#5 USC @ UCLA
HOLLY, CAREFREELY MIXING METAPHORS: Palmam qui meruit ferat, lawyas. This'll be fun. USC's taking their home jerseys to the Rose Bowl, shrugging off the two timeout penalty like it's nothing, but in their defense, that's only because it is nothing. They will roll; they will roll large; Bruins Nation will lose their collective shit, again, and we will snicker at their righteous indignation for hours while sipping a variety of delicious cocktails. Yes, the football monopoly in Los Angeles is over, Bruins. It's really more of a theocracy these days, and your graven idol is cardinal and gold.
It is to laugh!
#20 Missouri vs. #2 Oklahoma
HOLLY, HOOKING 'EM: Mizzou. Please? I mean, we've seen this number once before this year, right? Scary-ass Big XII South team stumbles badly against a slightly less well-regarded opponent? They can stop the run, can Mizzou, and Sam Bradford guarding torn ligaments in his spare hand might scorch the earth just a little bit less than he would at full strength (that's assuming he can even hang onto the snaps this week). Chase, buddy, you pull this one out and they'll be carrying you through the streets of Kansas City on a P'Zone-encrusted pillow. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Arizona State @ Arizona
HOLLY, GRASPING AT MAYBE THE ONLY REMAINING STRAW WE HAVE: [to be read in your best In A World Guy voice] In a season of madness....in a time of change....only one man....only one law.....stands between the forces of logic....and the destruction of all. we. know. MIKE STOOPS. LOSES FOOTBALL GAMES. Rated PG-13. Starts Saturday in selected desert stadia.
South Florida @ West Virginia
HOLLY, IN NO WAY PLOTTING A MORGANTOWN COUP FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FIRING BILL STEWART, THEN PEACEFULLY SURRENDERING TO THE AUTHORITIES WITH THE SATISFACTION OF A JOB WELL DONE: Any AFC loyalists in the house? Got, say, a New England fan in your life who continually crows about how terrible the conditions are at Gillette and how that somehow makes his team superior because geography dictates they occasionally play in snow? I hate that shit. Tomorrow, though? It's going to be 20ish degrees at kickoff in Morgantown, and that's an edge West Virginia will desperately cling to if they know what's good for them, because if there's one thing Bill Stewart could fuck up better than everything else he's fucked up this year (WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING), it's Pat White's curtain call. Things work out best for the Mountaineers lately with White operating as shadow-coach, so just enjoy your Ovaltine, Stewie, and let darling Pitty-Pat's little legs power you through to an eight-win season that should've been at least eleven. YOU FUCKING USELESS CRETIN BOBBLEHEAD REBOUND BITCH. [deep, calming breaths]
Happy trails, sweet warrior.
#13 Cincinnati @ Hawaii
HOLLY, CHEERING FOR ORANGE BEAR/CAT HYBRIDS OUT OF REFLEX:
We're fairly baffled, still, as to why this game is even on the schedule, but TOP SCORE to whoever's responsible on the Cincy end for getting those poor kids out of Ohio in December (and down to Florida in January, come to that). Also, they will trounce Hawaii, and it will not matter, even to Hawaii, who has already accepted an invitation to the Hawaii Bowl Hawaii Hawaii. Hawaii.
#1 Alabama vs. #4 Florida
HOLLY, PRETTY RATIONAL CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES: So here come the only worthy contenders, nearly unbloodied after a season in bat country, to face their first and only real test of the year. I'm taking the Gators. They haven't blinked or flinched since that unfortunate Giggitying in September, haven't been caught sleepwalking once, which is more than I can say for the Tide even though they're the undefeated squad. Nothing save that one Ole Miss game has been remotely close, all year. In their eleven victories, they've outscored their opponents by an AVERAGE of thirty-seven (37) points. And while the competition hasn't been the stiffest, what should scare Tide faithful is how much time Florida's had to workshop this machine all year. When you're up five scores it leaves plenty of spare minutes on the clock to tweak, experiment, and hone your freakshow war engine to whiplash perfection.
(All the same, I'm still cheering for the meteor. Which ain't all that farfetched, since the last time Swindle was in the Georgia Dome, this happened.)
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I had trouble sleeping last night; in my fever and diphenhydramine driven dreams, I saw Tim Tebow clutching a bejeweled oblong in his hill fort, while outside footsoldiers in orange and blue drove a jort-clad horde toward a valiant, but futile defense.
May the power of swine and jack daniels defend the right; I tire of the mediocrity that has infested my alma mater.
BTW, Holly, I was hoping for a meteor strike myself, the last time the ’barn made the trip to Neyland.
by poobie on Dec 6, 2008 12:50 PM EST reply actions
So, I got up early-ish to do some Xmas shopping for some underprivileged waifs (hey, I’m not a bastard all the time). Got home with my Chik-Fil-A (#1 deluxe on a wheat bun with an XL sweet tea), figured Army-Navy won’t be very good, but the option is fun to watch and the game is literally a mile away, so why not. Then I turn it on and I think, “Chee, Navy’s uniforms look like hell. I wonder OH SWEET MERCIFUL CTHULU WHAT IS THAT?” Army. Is. Wearing. CAMOUFLAGE. Helmets. Pants. Letters?! And, oh no, their uniforms read “Duty. Honor. Country.” on the nameplate. Osama bin Laden is outfitting the football teams at our nation’s military academies. This is part of the change that needs to happen under the Obama administration.
by Harris on Dec 6, 2008 1:01 PM EST reply actions
Waaaaaaaaaaaay off topic (on post 2, already? geeze).
How about Turner Gill? Is it possible to not want great things for this guy?
by Lazer on Dec 6, 2008 1:01 PM EST reply actions
Holly, you magnificent creature you
Your best work of the season.
I yield to no one in my patriotism and have the greatest admiration for the Middies and Chevies but have always associated the game with boredom and depression. Boredom for obvious reasons (although Navy has been kinda fun in recent years and the ACCCG is quite superlative in its boredom ) and depression because of the cold weather and association with the end of football season.
by marcillac on Dec 6, 2008 1:02 PM EST reply actions
If we were going to worry about going off-topic, we should’ve started fifteen weeks ago. Carry on.
by Holly on Dec 6, 2008 1:09 PM EST reply actions
Holly…as a Dawg fan, I’m hoping for “meteor” as well.
by Ben on Dec 6, 2008 1:13 PM EST reply actions
Is it just me or are the ABC crew doing a masterful job of avoiding as much as possible any crowd shots in the ACC game?
by TJ on Dec 6, 2008 1:17 PM EST reply actions
Was offered 2 tickets and a lap dance from Mons Venus for 25 bucks. Still wasn’t worth it going to this crapfest
by AstroBull on Dec 6, 2008 1:19 PM EST reply actions
As a Bama fan, I’m disappointed at the lack of hate, ridicule and outrageous regional/cultural stereotyping directed at us on EDBS this week.
What’s fun about mutual respect?
by Daywalker trailer park on Dec 6, 2008 1:21 PM EST reply actions
I just don’t understand any fellow Dawg fans not rooting for Bama.
Never been a huge rival of ours, not like the Gators.
Roll Tide, IMO
by Darkknight on Dec 6, 2008 1:29 PM EST reply actions
Yes, you will not get any crowd shots at the ACCCG. You aren’t selling out VT vs BC no matter where it is, but that game is only going to start making bank when it’s moved to Charlotte.
[looking at VT: HOW IN THE HELL DID WE LOSE TO THESE GUYS???]
by Techie on Dec 6, 2008 1:49 PM EST reply actions
The Pitt/Uconn commentators made their first compliments of the second half in regards to…
a) The UConn Offense
b) The Pitt Defense
c) The Telestrator
If you said C, you’re right! But you’re always wrong, wrong for watching any Big East football game.
by playitforward on Dec 6, 2008 1:50 PM EST reply actions
I think the camo unis are kindof cool…if not Oregon-esque. As I am rooting for Navy, I say, SCOREBOARD.
by Brian on Dec 6, 2008 1:55 PM EST reply actions
Holly:
You are awesome! Best picks of the year, IMHO…
PS- As a vet, I love the Army / Navy game and God bless all those kids in uniform. I would watch it twice before I dare let my remote wander off to anything ACC related.
by TheMightyErik on Dec 6, 2008 2:04 PM EST reply actions
The camo unis make Army look like the San Diego Padres. I wouldn’t have a problem with Army using them against some other team, but this is Army-Navy, go with the black and gold.
by John on Dec 6, 2008 2:10 PM EST reply actions
Knoxville Catholic 21 – Mitchell 12 near halftime.
by VolunteerValtrex on Dec 6, 2008 2:13 PM EST reply actions
I like the new Army unis (even though I will always defer to my true Air Force blue :D ) but I do see John’s point about rolling em out against a different opponent to keep tradition.
Another thing I love about this game: the lack of eyeblack messaging, gold teeff, and hair hanging out of the back of helmets
by TheMightyErik on Dec 6, 2008 2:25 PM EST reply actions
11
There are larger crowds at the App State & Montana games. Agreed on Charlotte to a degree – unless you have two top ten ranked teams in the ACCCG (or Clempson-UNC), you will never get more than 40-50,000 anywhere.
by yoyofutbawl on Dec 6, 2008 2:25 PM EST reply actions
Not to be a dick, but prostate cancer is only slightly more dangerous than kittens. One of the leading treatments? Waiting to see if it spreads.
by Harris on Dec 6, 2008 2:25 PM EST reply actions
Well, The ACCG game is pretty much what youd want to watch a game, low 70s, sunny, and great green grass. Sadly, its also like a tree falling in the woods.
by Brian on Dec 6, 2008 2:26 PM EST reply actions
@VV—-thanks, I can’t even get it on the radio out here and I’m relying on text messages for score updates.
by Holly on Dec 6, 2008 2:32 PM EST reply actions
Can anyone explain why Tulsa gets a home game for the C-USA championship?
I know—I need help….
by Sad trumpet on Dec 6, 2008 2:34 PM EST reply actions
So John Saunders doesn’t understand how the Gators would get in if they beat Bama?
by hobeg8r on Dec 6, 2008 2:38 PM EST reply actions
so i’m watching the ACCCG and laughing myself into fits over the ACC commercial with the little kids on it talking about “civility” and “kindness” towards the other team. then i see a very, very, very underwhelmingly empty raymond james stadium. then I do the math, which looks something like this:
teaching your children from an early age to be “nice” to the other team = half-empty stadium for conference championship game.
teaching your children from an early age to HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE your conference rivals = 70000 seat stadium overflowing with rabid, insane, animal-like fans who thirst for the blood and life-force of the opponent.
by Cameron Siggs on Dec 6, 2008 2:44 PM EST reply actions
10 minutes till the Washington game. soon, this nightmare will be over..
by BocaHuskyUWowl on Dec 6, 2008 2:50 PM EST reply actions
VolunteerVoltrex/Holly23
I just tunded in to the ACCCG. Griesse, McGwire. I. Can’t. Stand. It.
I was going to ask if there was anyway to get the Knoxville Catholic game in NYC. Its unberable out here till the Bama game.
by marcillac on Dec 6, 2008 2:50 PM EST reply actions
Pirate Maguire is the least gay thing about the ACCCG, but god willing someone screencaped that atrocity to my eyes.
by Rawk on Dec 6, 2008 2:51 PM EST reply actions
Sad trumpet @ 24 – In C-USA, the team with the better regular season record serves as the host team for their Championship Game, making C-USA the only current FBS conference not to have their championship game at a neutral site.
by Studley on Dec 6, 2008 2:59 PM EST reply actions
@31—thx Studley. Any idea if the normal tiebreakers apply? Sounds like a tie could happen very easily…and what would the U of Texas think about that?!?
by Sad Trumpet on Dec 6, 2008 3:05 PM EST reply actions
@27 – lol.. hilarious… I feel for you guys and I truly hope you turn it around as I have always like the Huskies
@26 – that is one of the most retarded things I have read in some time. Yeah, the ACC doesn’t have fans with any passion (see: basketball season). Hate breeds ignorance
by TheMightyErik on Dec 6, 2008 3:05 PM EST reply actions
@Holly
Catholic still leading 21 – 12 start of the 4th. Mitchell driving at the Catholic 32.
by VolunteerValtrex on Dec 6, 2008 3:06 PM EST reply actions
Touchdown Mitchell. 2-point try is no good. Catholic up 21 -18 early in the 4th.
by VolunteerValtrex on Dec 6, 2008 3:12 PM EST reply actions
Sad Trumpet – Here’s the link to the C-USA Tiebreaker Formula.
http://conferenceusa.cstv.com/auto_pdf/p_hotos/s_chools/c-usa/sports/m-footbl/auto_pdf/tiebraker
by Studley on Dec 6, 2008 3:13 PM EST reply actions
@ 27
I just hope we be you guys and thus preserve the glorious mediocraty of our season.
by marcillac on Dec 6, 2008 3:20 PM EST reply actions
CBS has the best couple games today, clearly.
To Orson, et al. – No percy harvin…doom? Or manage?
by Brian on Dec 6, 2008 3:26 PM EST reply actions
Touchdown Knoxville Catholic Irish. 28 – 18 Catholic leads with 3 minutes left in the game.
by VolunteerValtrex on Dec 6, 2008 3:31 PM EST reply actions
Knoxville Catholic Irish 28 – 18 over Mitchell. Congrats Holly.
by VolunteerValtrex on Dec 6, 2008 3:43 PM EST reply actions
#31, in case you’re wondering, they do it that way because nobody showed up for the game at a neutral site, because, well, it was the CUSA championship game, and there’s no reasonable place to play the game where it’s a safe bet that the fans can drive there in a day.
by CuseFanInSoCal on Dec 7, 2008 12:51 AM EST reply actions
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