PRESS CONFERENCE EXCERPT: GARY PINKEL
by Orson on Dec 4, 2008 11:21 AM EST
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Reporter: "Any further questions: what do you expect to see from the Sooners in terms of game management and strategy on Saturday?"
Pinkel: "I'm gonna just be frank with you. I expect them to put sixty points worth of ungreased football schlong right into our outflow pipe, frankly. Take that down: I expect them to sodomize us with an excellence unseen since Halston took on three members of the French Men's Rugby Squad in 1980 in the VIP at Club 54. We're going to be rammed from the aftside by a battleship that, frankly, will likely split our humble clipper ship in two. We're Edward Norton in the shower in American History X, and we know what's coming. It doesn't mean we like it, but in life, sometimes you're the plunger, and sometimes you're the toilet begging for a mercy flush.
So, in return what I expect is a quality reacharound. Not a half-assed flubbing of the old Atari Boystick, no, what I want in return for taking the biggest Barbary Pirate Handshake since Joel Klatt watched his brain fly out of his nose is a quality courtesy butter-churning from the man in return. Let us get some points back in the third and fourth. Make sure Chase has at least one eyeball when the game is over. Take out Demarco Murray when they're up by thirty. The little things.
If you're going to flesh-kebab someone, you might as well give the courtesy of rubbing their meat before applying the heat. That's all I'm saying, and you can quote me on that. We're not looking for a pastor's handshake here. I want my team to feel the concerned but firm grip of a closeted plumber on holiday in a Miami bathhouse, dammit. It's the least they can do after what will probably happen to us on Saturday.
Any other questions? What? Why are you looking at me like that?
[/the sound of flashbulbs, furious scribbling, and phones being dialed.]
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A closeted plumber in a Miami bathhouse! Miami, mind you! Hilarious.
by OhioDawg on Dec 4, 2008 11:28 AM EST reply actions
“I don’t wanna sound queer or nuthin, but quite frankly, we’re excited to play Oklahoma. I have an excitement-tent that Les Stroud would be more than happy to take shelter under.”
by vegas_buckeye on Dec 4, 2008 11:33 AM EST reply actions
Lock up your women, your children, and yourselves. Orson Swindle is again running amok.
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 4, 2008 11:33 AM EST reply actions
@ #5-
Exactly. It won’t take a last 30seconds pass from Bradford in order to beat you Mizzou. You can send everyone back to Columbia from Arrowhead at halftime. Westport isn’t that great anyways.
by Chloe Denmark on Dec 4, 2008 11:44 AM EST reply actions
I am reporting this thread to the FCC.
Shame on you, Orson. Football is a wholesome American sport and you turned it into a homosexual whorehouse or slimy bodies and salad tossing.
by Sarah Palin on Dec 4, 2008 11:44 AM EST reply actions
Done and done. Oklahoma in a choke-slam victory.
by Noel Devine's Gold Teef on Dec 4, 2008 11:53 AM EST reply actions
With that mindset, CGP looks to be a viable candidate for the Greater Opelika school of animal husbandry and sociology.
by hlh on Dec 4, 2008 12:02 PM EST reply actions
Orson, you may have some Hunter S Thompson style ‘out there beyond where you though there ended’ness in your future…….forge on, we watch/listen/read with rapt attention/amusement!
(You do still have a reality grip in your valise somewhere, no?)
by PSUGuru on Dec 4, 2008 12:06 PM EST reply actions
and by though I mean thought, of course…..grrrrrr
by PSUGuru on Dec 4, 2008 12:07 PM EST reply actions
You should really find a way to make this post play the opening music to “2001” or something, so epic was every last word. I applaud you, sir.
by Doug on Dec 4, 2008 12:32 PM EST reply actions
Is anyone else seeing the Muscular Distrophy Association ad at the bottom of the post about helping Jerry’s Kids? Does anyone else think Orson’s ad widget is trying to tell us something about the Missouri Tigers?
by MaconDawg on Dec 4, 2008 12:47 PM EST reply actions
I hear that Gary Pinkel’s soon-to-be-jettisoned TRUCK NUTZ will be sold on the Oklahoma City black market for less than what a bag of marijuana costs these days*
*(there is no mary-juana in GOD’S COUNTRY SON)
by THETexasStateUniversity on Dec 4, 2008 1:15 PM EST reply actions
@5:
You’re right. Kansas will have put up a better effort against OU (45-31) than what QB Mr. “I’m From Southlake Carroll Worship Me You Poor, Worthless Peasants” and company will trot out on Saturday.
by THETexasStateUniversity on Dec 4, 2008 1:20 PM EST reply actions
Google Barbary Pirate Handshake and your number one return? This article… Orson, thanks for this and all of your past and future entries into the internet buzz phrase lexicon.
by stopandstare on Dec 4, 2008 1:33 PM EST reply actions
Beautiful and disturbing at once. As an OU fan, I’m chronically wary of overconfidence at this point, but you’ve broken down my walls with this one, Mr. Swindle. Well done.
by westbrooke on Dec 4, 2008 1:34 PM EST reply actions
Despite most suggesting the tilt a foregone conclusion, if you get mean reversion this week (from last)—and mean reversion is one of the most powerful forces in college football—Mizzou performs better, OU O performs ok & combined with a suspect D, you have a close contest.
by geo on Dec 4, 2008 1:37 PM EST reply actions
EDSBS – come for the college football analysis. Stay and learn a half dozen metaphors and euphemisms for gay handjobs.
by GamecockTony on Dec 4, 2008 3:10 PM EST reply actions
I can no longer recommend this site to my family…but I have heartily endorsed it to all of my football loving friends! Jack Black Manhattans on me next time you’re in DC.
by JRussRhodes on Dec 4, 2008 10:36 PM EST reply actions
+69 for Barbary Pirate Handshake.
I bet Joel Klatt still feels that hit years later.
by Signal to Noise on Dec 4, 2008 11:25 PM EST reply actions
Funniest shit I’ve ever read on here….and that’s saying quite a lot.
Now, what’s the best method of cleaning nose coffee from a keyboard?
by gingole on Dec 5, 2008 9:47 AM EST reply actions
“…you might as well give the courtesy of rubbing their meat before applying the heat.”
Note to self: no more reading EDSBS posts while driving.
/wiping tears of hillarity
by Geaux Irish on Dec 5, 2008 10:04 AM EST reply actions
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