PERCY HARVIN'S INJURIES: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY

by Orson on Dec 4, 2008 3:29 PM EST

Percy Harvin is injured. Big deal, we say: Percy Harvin is always injured. Just before the national title game in 2006, Percy Harvin sneezed and severed his femoral artery. Bleeding profusely and on the brink of death, he put on his pants, strapped on the helmet, and after three cups of Gatorade ripped off 82 yards of total offense and a TD against the Ohio State Buckeyes. He then died immediately postgame, but recovered in time for spring practices.

Like a finely tuned sports car, Percy runs at top speed and, more frequently than not, is on blocks during the week receiving physical therapy, being massaged by virgins, and laughing gustily at the jesters and midgets who amuse the court at Florida. For the uninitiated, here's an easy summary of Percy's injuries over the years.

We left out an ingrown toenail that had him in the ICU until three hours before the South Carolina game. He was slowed to a mere 8 carry, 167 yard performance as a result. Our apologies. (HT: Holly.)

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I hope he can contribute… I am hearing some noise about C.I. making an appearance….

by ALGator on Dec 4, 2008 3:36 PM EST reply actions

The Legend of Mt. Cody wants something a little more substantial than Harvin’s toe. We’ve already told him that Tebow tastes just like chicken.

by Der Schatten on Dec 4, 2008 3:37 PM EST reply actions

Of course Harvin will play. It will be a Festivus miracle!

by jthomas666 on Dec 4, 2008 3:38 PM EST reply actions

You forgot that nasty thigh gash he received when Tebow removed his foreskin…

by CrimsonBarrister on Dec 4, 2008 3:44 PM EST reply actions

I heard that light measures its speed by comparing itself to a healthy Percy Harvin.

by Anonymous IV on Dec 4, 2008 3:50 PM EST reply actions

Damn…gimpy Percy had the same exact offensive output as the entire Buckeye offense.

Sweet irony.

by zzgator on Dec 4, 2008 3:52 PM EST reply actions

@ 6

Well YEAH, but 50 DAY LAYOFF GINN WAS HURT FLUKE TROY SMITH WAS CHUBBY HURR

God freaking damn it.

by poguemahone on Dec 4, 2008 4:00 PM EST reply actions

It sounds like all that Harvin really suffers from is a recurring case of vaginitis. I’m sure Tebow has some cream he can borrow.

by Mrs. Saban on Dec 4, 2008 4:15 PM EST reply actions

Off topic, but I don’t have a Sporting News account. Regarding “coaches in waiting”, it should also be pointed out to Wilbon that of the 4?(FSU, UT, UO, UK) CIWs, 1 (Joker Phillips) is African American and therefore CIWs have a higher % of AAs than do head coaches.

by Crazy Joe on Dec 4, 2008 4:17 PM EST reply actions

With a Name Like That….Dept:

A football player with a name like “Percy” is ridiculous.

He should change it to “Bork”, or something like that, which rhymes with quark.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 4, 2008 5:05 PM EST reply actions

The name game actually gives me some confidence. When Florida’s offense is on the field, it’ll be Rolando, Rashad, Terrance, Lorenzo, Kareem, and Javier against Percy, Tim, Jeffrey, and Louis. I’ll take the first group.

by rtr on Dec 4, 2008 5:31 PM EST reply actions

I also know that he in high school he stumped his toe, cracked a toenail, which, in turn, had a nice fungal infection set in, which he had to miss 6 wks with that, then when he was trying to hop into the bathtub, he slipped and fell and broke his hip, which was another 6-8 wks. All in all, Percy has more time in the hospital and on the sideline, and is sponsored by AFLAC and Blue Cross/Blue Shield….

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Dec 4, 2008 5:44 PM EST reply actions