SEX AND THE CITY: CRIMSON TIDE EDITION
by Orson on Dec 3, 2008 11:21 AM EST
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PrintScene: A Manhattan brownstone at 245 East 73rd Street between Park and Madison. Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson sits on his bed, typing at his Mac and sneaking his sixth last cigarette of the night.
We hear his voice reading the words he is typing on screen.
SJPW: But what if, in the rush to find love, we have forgotten sex somewhere in all the rush? And is there enough sex in our love, and enough sex in our love? And where do both fit with the urge to have sex while you're in love with someone else? And when facing a zone blitz, what the fuck do I do? And the sex? What of the sex?
The phone rings. BRODIE CROYLE is on the line.
SJPW: Hello?
Brodie: What's up bitch? ARE YOU WEARING SHOES?
SJPW: No, I'm just stuck on my column. But I love shoes!
Brodie: Then put on some EXPENSIVE SHOES and get down to the bar. First Cosmo's on me!
SJPW: You always know how to cheer me up.
Brodie: Whatever. And bring your vagina!
SJPW: See you in an hour
The scene changes to an expensive bar you would never go to unless you like whorish displays of wealth and hair gel. At a table sit SJPW, BRODIE CROYLE, PAULETTE FINEBAUM, and Terrance Ann Cody.
Terrance Cody: I like sex!
Paulette Finebaum: I'm looking for love, not sex. There's more to life than just sex, you know.
Brodie: There's shoes AND sex, Paulette!
ALL CACKLE.
Brodie: How's the diet going, Terrence Ann?
Paulette: That's private, Brodie.
Brodie: WHATEVER! SHOES!
SJPW: You can talk about it if you like, Terrence Ann. It's your call.
TAC: I...I can't stop eating lineman.
Brodie: They are fatty.
SJPW: And delicious, if you know what I mean. RIGHT GIRLS!!!
ALL CACKLE.
A suave, diminutive gentleman in a trenchcoat approaches the table.
Mr. Big: Good evening. I'd like to show you something, ladies.
Brodie: Oh, I bet you do big man OH MY GOD---
TAC: I'm hungry.
Paulette: I'm disgusted by your lack of discretion, as I'm the only person in this series who knows their ass from a moral hole in the ground. Also, I have the best ass, by far, but am never seen naked for some cursed reason.
SJPW: Is that...covered in diamonds?
Mr. Big: Not many men can afford a codpiece this big, or need one, for that matter. Fewer still can afford to cover it in rubies and diamonds.
Brodie: Is that...
Mr. Big: An elephant pattern.
SJPW: Where's it's trunk?
Mr. Big: I can show you that later.
ALL CACKLE.
Brodie: SHOES! MORE COSMOS! TELL HERM I'M NOT COMING HOME TONIGHT BECAUSE I AM A WHOOOOOORE!!!
Scene: an abandoned parking lot in Hoover, Alabama.
SJPW: I've hit another predictable crisis where my complete lack of self-awareness and need for approval from any man, no matter how sad, has me walking the streets alone. Lacking acting chops, I will stare at the ground and purse my lips while wearing a five-thousand dollar dress.
A black limousine with Alabama tags pulls up. A window rolls down. Mr. Big smiles from the window.
Mr. Big: Hey, gorgeous. Need a ride?
SJPW: I...(she swoons. From lack of food.)
SJPW: How did you find me?
Mr. Big: I followed my heart...all the way to Hoover.
SJPW: You followed me to the Galleria? That's at least 50 miles. That's more than most Alabamians travel in their whole lives--
He puts a finger to her mouth.
Mr. Big: Shhhhh. Distance means nothing between you and me, JPW. I'll make sure you never have to think about anything ever again. Just like we've been doing all along.
SJPW: Run on almost every first down?
Mr. Big: Yes.
SJPW: Play-action? Screens? Simple stuff, right? Big, I can do the simple stuff. I can!
Mr. Big: Yes, baby. Yes, you can.
SJPW: I'm...I'm so glad you found me.
Mr. Big: Me, too, baby. Most quarterbacks actually want to do something.
SJPW: No, Big, no. I'm yours. Whatever you say, from now on. That's what I'll do. But what if it's too predictable?
Mr. Big: Predictable or not, baby, you can't stop unstoppable.
SJPW: You're right, Big. You're always right.
Big: Now let's go find that elephant trunk I told you so much about, huh?
SJPW: You naughty boy, you.
(They embrace.)
FIN
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Sad thing is that Wilson isn’t as ugly in those pictures as the Real Sara Jessica Parker would’ve been.
by CapstoneReport on Dec 3, 2008 11:26 AM EST reply actions
Is Finebaum the annoying one with the red hair? God I hate her.
by BurritoBrosShits on Dec 3, 2008 11:31 AM EST reply actions
Orson,
You have just ruined Sex And The City for me for life.
by blon on Dec 3, 2008 11:33 AM EST reply actions
Ya know, it’s just not fair to have someone from an opposing fanbase to be this clever…..or this fucking funny…
Well done, sir: see you on Saturday.
by sandman227 on Dec 3, 2008 11:34 AM EST reply actions
Saban will also play the cold, unfeeling Russian.
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 3, 2008 11:35 AM EST reply actions
LMAO!! Brilliant! ….and to keep the same “college football mashed into chick comedy drama’s”, I present this email I received yesterday from an Okie Fan who was a little upset with Texas flying that banner around last Saturday night:
What drama….This is sooo much better than Desperate Housewives ladies.
Did you guys see the Texas funded airplane flying over Ok State, flaunting a banner with the inscription “45-35” the score of the Texas win over OU – …during the OU – OSU game? (that would be Oklahoma State Cowboys – not Oregon State Beavers,…. Mr. Miller)
Well, here is a motivational poster to add to the library.
http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/nn53/zrdan/pic24084.jpg
(now, from a 2nd email later in the day….)
Hi Team,
I hope you are all recovered from Thanksgiving. I still have a hangover.
I didn’t get any response from the ladies on my football email yet…
so please allow me to put this dramatic story another way.
Bree (UofTexas), Susan(TexasTech), Gabrielle(OklahomaU), and Edie(OStateU)
all want to have Carlos’ (BCS) baby (Championship).
Bree, Susan, and Gabrielle conspired against Edie by placing ring pillows
all around her house just before Carlos came over for dinner…..and now
Carlos thinks Edie has incurable hemmorhoids…
With Edie out of the picture there is now only three ladies with the
potential to “make it.”
All three ladies are equally qualified to be the mother of his child (play
in the championship game).
but….. in the meantime…Bree (UofT) shows up uninvited at Gabrielle’s
and Edie’s dinner party (football game), walks in and slaps Gabrielles face
(airplane banner) and runs away laughing.
Gabrielle is unphased by this rude behavior and successfully completes the
dinner party (game) including drinks and deserts. (wins with style)
Carlos (BCS) must make the final decision based on these three remaining
girls (teams) assets, creativity, and prowess as to which one gets the
bedroom action…“playoff game”
Obviously Gabrielle (Eva longoria… I mean OU) has the best assets.. so
Carlos ends up getting her pregnant with twins…
…….and Gabrielle has the final laugh.
How was that?
Chet
wow….Chet has WAY too much time on his hands….
by Mich-Placed Gator on Dec 3, 2008 11:37 AM EST reply actions
@9
Trust me, the pain has only begun. If Florida wins, it’s like an entitlement for O to make you hate yourself and question your fandom.
My therapist tells me to stop going to this website, but I just can’t. It’s like an abusive relationship, and I’m the battered wife.
by vegas_buckeye on Dec 3, 2008 11:39 AM EST reply actions
Mt. Cody will make your gators pay for revealing his middle name.
by Tater Salad on Dec 3, 2008 11:43 AM EST reply actions
Annie Mae Vegas Buckeye, eat some of this cake here. I SAID EAT THE DAMN CAKE ANNIE MAE!!!
by Orson Swindle on Dec 3, 2008 11:44 AM EST reply actions
Jay Barker would never have been such an easy lay.
by Bunkie Perkins on Dec 3, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions
Is Lee Corso’s penis the elephant trunk?
by mangino_ate_my_baby on Dec 3, 2008 11:54 AM EST reply actions
Hilarious piece, Orson, but was it really worth revealing to the world that you watch Sex and the City?
by 4.0 Point Stance on Dec 3, 2008 12:09 PM EST reply actions
I, for one, enjoy being beaten in the back of a limo with a shoe.
Come on, Orson, you can do better than that.
by vegas_buckeye on Dec 3, 2008 12:17 PM EST reply actions
4.0 Stance: We will confess that we’ve watched every episode, and consider ourselves more of a Miranda than anything else.
by Orson Swindle on Dec 3, 2008 12:23 PM EST reply actions
Orson is married to a woman. He has also seen episodes of the Oprah Winfrey Show, What Not to Wear, Maternity Ward, Veronica Mars, A Baby/Wedding/Makeover/Nutcruching Story, and on occasion, a few seconds of Little People, Big World until he runs screaming from the room.
I like shitty TLC and he likes sex. Voila.
by TCOAN on Dec 3, 2008 12:24 PM EST reply actions
That was some fine writing there, girlfriend.
by Raider Red on Dec 3, 2008 12:30 PM EST reply actions
Paulette: Im disgusted by your lack of discretion, as Im the only person in this series who knows their ass from a moral hole in the ground. Also, I have the best ass, by far, but am never seen naked for some cursed reason.
There isn’t enough mental bleach in the world to get me to pursue this analogy, but as for the original (Kristin Davis), you speak nothing but the unvarnished truth, sir.
by DevilGrad on Dec 3, 2008 12:30 PM EST reply actions
Without reading all of this article I can pretty much guess it sucks as much as the Pac 10 without USC. I expect better Orosn. PS…Ron Zook.
by JIMatUA on Dec 3, 2008 12:31 PM EST reply actions
murr….I’m Miranda…. I fuck anything that moves…. murrr
murr….I’m Carrie….I cry a lot because my life sucks because all I do is buy expensive clothes and shoes… murrr
murrr…. We’re the other two who have shitty storylines and noone cares about…. murrr
-Basically what I hear and see when I watch this show.
by BurritoBrosShits on Dec 3, 2008 12:48 PM EST reply actions
#25
TCOAN -
Until I got married, I didn’t understand such – now I do. At Chaos Manor, the menu is Jon & Kate Plus 8, What Not to Wear, Clean Sweep, and NCIS (she’s got the hots for Mark Harmon).
I just shut up – because I like sex too.
Orson -
You had to take the Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson sobriquiet and run with it, didn’t you. Does Finebaum know you did this to him?
by BamaTaxMan on Dec 3, 2008 12:50 PM EST reply actions
My family values allow me to read this article, but not to enjoy it.
Story could have used a vampire or two.
by Rich Rodriquez on Dec 3, 2008 12:51 PM EST reply actions
Orson needs not be ashamed for Veronica Mars. The rest is excusable under the “time spent watching her stuff on TiVo = quality time” clause.
TCOAN makes me sad for remembering TLC when aired things like Junkyard Wars and Full Metal Challenge.
by Albino Tornado on Dec 3, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions
“the Oprah Winfrey Show, What Not to Wear, Maternity Ward, Veronica Mars, A Baby/Wedding/Makeover/Nutcruching Story, and on occasion, a few seconds of Little People, Big World”
One of these things is not like the others.
by Boy Howdy on Dec 3, 2008 1:15 PM EST reply actions
The room is spinning from all the gayness.
by Gene ParmesAg on Dec 3, 2008 1:23 PM EST reply actions
Four women who will die alone with their cats and a box of red wine.
by John on Dec 3, 2008 1:31 PM EST reply actions
“I followed my heart all the way to Hoover.”
That phrase alone should be covered in diamonds and rubies.
by NativeSon on Dec 3, 2008 1:36 PM EST reply actions
The sad thing is that you know so much about this show…
by SouthernComfort on Dec 3, 2008 1:53 PM EST reply actions
The Army-Navy game and the conference championship games mark the end of the regular season, followed swiftly by the bowl games (which although far too numerous, must be watched in their entirety). These are the signs of the end of football season — as certain as end-time religious writings. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. With only the recruiting period and a flicker of spring football how will we manage the upcoming drought?
by Larry Langolier on Dec 3, 2008 2:57 PM EST reply actions
Re #39: Your post reminds me that it’s almost time to pull together the Fulmer Cup pre-season top ten.
by DevilGrad on Dec 3, 2008 3:02 PM EST reply actions
Orson,
Before I was captured and forced to marry, I used to graze the lush plains of the TV(before TiVo) wild and uninterrupted….had to give up NFL Sunday Ticket…….when me and my wife co-habitated, I noticed she had about 4 TV’s and VCR’s recording various tv shows…So I decided to step up and bring her into the 21st century with a Tivo(this was 98-99)..now we have freakin 4 Tivos, all filled with what TCOAN mentioned.
My trade off? The Sopranos—-HBO used to OWN us on Sundays, from Sex and the City, Sopranos and Curb Your Enthusiasm……and I had to draw the line at Wife Swap and Trading Spaces…FX was stepping up but has fallen off the radar for some reason with the lack of Damages and Nip Tuck
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Dec 3, 2008 3:20 PM EST reply actions
Botch. Everyone knows that the hoors and cougars have all abandoned the Gal and moved on to the Summit. It’s got Saks!
I pour out my Red Diamond iced tea to you, sir.
by Vandy J on Dec 3, 2008 3:42 PM EST reply actions
I knew all of you were gay and deep down all of you want a taste of Mr. Big’s trunk. lol.
by Big Daddy on Dec 3, 2008 4:36 PM EST reply actions
The wife started calling him “Princess” the first game of the season. (I think because she didn’t like “Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson Phillips”) and after the Tennessee game we tried to give him an upgrade, I think we went with “Scooter” for about a quarter and a half. He didn’t look so good so we went back to Princess.
Looking forward to playing the University of Tebow Knights of the Crusade Marching Christian Soldiers this weekend, though.
In the words of Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in the movie Tombstone as he accepted a challenge from one of the cowboys: “I’m your huckleberry”.
by Not the Mama on Dec 3, 2008 8:10 PM EST reply actions
Bravo, gents.
I suggest an EDSBS End of the Year awards show based on ridiculous superlatives.
JPW can win the award for best hair in college football, and henceforth the name of the award shall be “The JPW Award for Best hair”.
Other ideas:
Cam Newton award for stupidity
We could host a live award show and pay two obese men to dress as Charlie Weiss and Mark Mangino and have them sumo wrestle.
And Lou Holtz should be the host.
by UFmegood on Dec 4, 2008 12:38 PM EST reply actions
I hope that’s not Orson at Gameday with a Sacks in the City sign.
by Bandobras on Dec 6, 2008 10:30 AM EST reply actions
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