EDSBS LIVE! is on for 9:00 p.m. Peter will…well, Peter will freak out like Franke Potente in Run Lola Run once he gets going about Texas and the BCS.

Come hear the carnage here tonight. We’ll hear you then.

From the Bearcats’ CSTV site, a piece of nut-grabbing bravado:

Egads, that’s awesome, or stupid, or stupidly awesome. We support all three on this website, so you go on with your foolish badassness, Bearcats. You don’t have to play the Buckeyes until 2012, so woof on all you like.

You know, you can hire black coaches. It’s not against the law. Trust us, if you can do it in Mississippi, you can do it in any state in the union. (Mississippi, you’re in the union. Trust us. We’ve checked the lying government maps.)

People do it all the time. For instance, were you aware that Tony Dungy is both the Super Bowl-winning coach of the Indianapolis Colts, and is black, too? Another example: Mike Tomlin, who despite sporting a chinstrap beard has proven himself as a capable head man at Pittsburgh. Or consider if you will the success of Lovie Smith, who led the Bears to the Super Bowl and had a superb career prior to Chicago as the defensive coordinator of the Tampa Bay Bucs.

Better still, consider that the NFL has proven its complete Colbertian colorblindedness by allowing black coaches to become what was only once a career path allowed for white coaches: the hopeless mediocre retread on the verge of exploding at any second.

Dennis Green is just a porky Norv Turner with extra melanin now, a name recognizable enough to fill a coaching position when you need someone who has both done the job before and knows how to clean out an office without too much fuss. If rewarding someone prior to achievement isn’t the ultimate demonstration of cronyism triumphing over race, then you have stumped us on the question of a better definition of the concept.

College has done an abominable job developing black coaches from the bottom to the top, which is the main reason for their ranks being so thin at the top. (more…)

Pete Carroll’s totally happy to give up timeouts to wear USC’s home jerseys against UCLA. Fuck you he won’t do what you tell him! Fuck you he won’t do what you tell him!

The Pac-10 will just make him give up two time outs in the game to do this, which is a price we’d like to see transferred and used as a measure for all kinds of things, like trading all of your time outs if players were allowed play with rollies on, or perhaps giving up your challenges in exchange for the right to play with fully mirrored reflective uniforms. The fun Oregon could have with this would be UNSANE.

Oregon’s LED-illuminated ones would look like the players had been infected with fluorescent jaundice. Make it happen, Phil Knight!

You can’t fault Tidesports.com for their logic, which is closer to epidemiology than actual analysis. Alabama, rather than being a football team, is instead a vector for some kind of infectious agent causing loss of confidence, physical weakness, and an inability to properly communicate with teammates on field. Additional side effects may include loss of coach, ranking, and explosive rectal bleeding:

One statistic drives home the point. Alabama’s 12 opponents were a combined 23-17 (.600) before facing the Tide. After losing, those same teams went 31-39 (.442).

Only two opponents are still ranked, neither in the top 15…Of those three, only LSU is bowl eligible, and like many other SEC teams, they stumbled badly down the stretch.

So the secret is out: Nick Saban has been inserting depleted uranium shell shavings into the Tide’s morning meal of tiger meat and nettles, making the entire squad radioactive enough to induce low-level radiation poisoning.

I see what you are doing, Coach Saban. Vladimir approves.

A walking, Nike-sponsored Chernobyl, if you will. If you do come into contact with the Alabama football team at any point, you should cut off your clothes without removing them over your head, and immediately shower repeatedly with soap and hot water. (Couldn’t be a weak floundering SEC as a whole. Nope. We’re going with depleted uranium shavings as a more plausible explanation.)

CEILING FAT IS WATCHING YOU TAKE OVER HIS PROGRAM.

(From Freek, of course.)

Todd has been daring us into making some kind of “theatrical bet” surrounding the Alabama/Florida SEC Championship. First, there was the proposal of various school-affiliated fight songs, a proposal dismissed as being “done” and “lame;” then the discussion of singing state-affiliated fight songs, and then one thing leading to another, and then the final toxic decision turning this football bet into a true Doctor Strangelove scenario.

Come Alabama or Florida victory, one thing is certain: you all lose. The loser of the game must record in a fashion of their choosing a version of the Creed song of their choice and post it on their website. Sadly, as it is not an offical Creed song, “Gibba Gab” is not eligible, or we’d be warming up our best “DURKA-DOOOOOOO” in the event of a loss.

You’re welcome, and when Todd is on Youtube blaring out “Higher” at a karaoke bar in Birmingham doing his best strip-mall Jesus poses, you may blame not us, but Alabama football for the scars your mind will bear afterward. Conversely, should Florida lose, we’re going to Mary’s and apologizing in advance to the collected crowd of bears and twinks for the horrendous version of the execrable “Arms Wide Open” we’ll shit out of our mouths on video for you.

The SEC Championship: where we all lose no matter who wins. We take your suggestions for presentation, song choice, and costumes below.