We’re doing some Thanksgiving shopping, so hey, look: Florida’s got some injuries, so they plan on rotating our suddenly bottomless well of defensive tackles to cope with the nicks and scrapes.

And now, for no reason whatsover, Evil Nine’s “They Live.”

Tommy Kilborn wants some change he can believe in.

Notre Dame alum and recent graduate Tommy Kilborn gives his two cents on the Notre Dame Coaching Situation. Take it away, Tommy!

Hello, EDSBSers. Tommy Kilborn, Notre Dame graduate and current hard-working young man, has been asked to give his two cents on the current Notre Dame coaching situation. Well, I’d tell you I was too busy to do just such a thing, what with my job with my high-powered finance job I got right out of Notre Dame making six figures. Go, networking!

Unfortunately, I made many trades involving a certain undervalued and unfairly besmirched sector of the market that I believe will eventually make a fine comeback. Just like my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, who have now reached a defining moment in their esteemed history in the fourth season under Charlie Weis, will make a comeback to reclaim their rightful spot as America’s college football team.

It hurts to say this. It hurt to say this when they fired Ty Willingham, a good man and a decent man who could not coach good football if the fate of our world depended on his team getting a first down. I voted for Obama, so I can write this. (Actually, I’m just kidding. I vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I liked her spunk, and I’m a Republican.)

I said as much when the time came on that fateful day four years ago: (more…)

Is USF Coach Jim Leavitt aware you can’t give game balls to journalists? Is the journo in question aware Jim Leavitt may extend his arm to you not to shake your hand, but to rip your shoulder out of socket and the joint and thus teach you a lesson in taking nothing for granted, because though you may be maimed you still have full range of motion in one arm, and isn’t life about making the best of your current situation? Is Leavitt wearing pants?

This really is nothing when it comes to Jim Leavitt being animated in front of a camera, since you don’t build something from nothing without the ability to at least scare everyone in a 1000 foot radius with a glance. Leavitt’s man-fear-smell-emitting glands may have had as much of an effect on attendance as USF’s disappointing 7-4 season: attendance was down this year for the Bulls overall. Expect to see Leavitt standing on the corner of Dale Mabry with a sign advertising tickets…while selling a few Sunday St. Pete Times, too. Leavitt’s a hustler like that.

(HT: The Wiz.)

Just a reminder that we be rolling out EDSBS Live–inshallah–at 9:00 p.m. We’ll do a show if we have to call the goddamn widget from satellite phones in the Hindu Kush.

And now, a few things worth reading while you’re running out the clock on day one of a three-day clock run known as Thanksgiving week.

Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician shares with the world his wife’s short but telling commentary on the Syracuse/ND game. She’s right on all of them.

Tressel did show some burninative instincts against Michigan on Saturday, calling a deep route while up by 35 in the fourth quarter. Is Jim Tressel Urban Meyer? No? Then this is clearly unacceptable and worthy of harumphing.

Black Heart Gold Pants provides as thorough a summary of the Hawkeyes’ win over Minnesota as you’ll need, because 55-0 shouldn’t require anything more than LOLspeak.

Paul promises to pick it up in the Mockery department for Tech week. Come on, tardbillies: them nerdz need a-brandin’, what fer layin’ in them tickle piles all the durn time!

Jeff Sagarin continues to devour mushrooms without regard for their side effects, something providing Doc Saturday further material to wonder what the hell is going on with the BCS. This will all make so much more sense in two weeks, we promise. (Because we will have time to edit memory and reboot. The human brain is amazing.)

[click to enlarge]

Norman, Oklahoma. Saturday night.

Geronimo knew the odds. Imagine him riding across that dusty plain. What did he eat? Probably things he hunted along the way and plants. Did you know that they ate a 35% meat and 65% vegetable diet? At one point there were more anthropologists living with the Apache than there were Apache. There must have been a lot of bored anthropology professors back at Columbia then.

Call? You want a call? Oh, I dunno, how about Z-Right Go Streaks Ace? Whatever. Try that.

[Pass is batted down on fourth down. Oklahoma goes sixty yards in three plays for a TD like this:]

Well, there you go. Y’all are too geeked up. I’ve been thinking a lot about colonial Bombay lately. You know they had a thieves union there? The land had to be dredged up from the harbor using these little three-pronged concrete thingies, and that’s how they made the city bigger. Terrible problem they have with the Parsi towers of silence. Dropping bits of dead people into the water supply, had to move ‘em. It’s a fascinating city. Some of the highest real estate prices in the world.

Again? Okay, how about Elf-eighty alpha split middle? See what that does.

[Graham Harrell is sacked, broken in half, and crawls over to Leach trailing his innards.]

Hey, heckuva problem you got there. You look like Bishop in Aliens when he gets cut in half. Looks like lasagna trailing out his torso and everything. Too geeked up. That’s your problem. You know the erotic artist H.R. Giger? You should. He’s disturbing. And erotic. It’s a helluva combination. He’s Swiss. You know they can take most of their population underground in event of nuclear war, right? Who wouldn’t know that? Pretty handy thing they’ve got built up there.

[Defense is slaughtered and sold for meat on the open market as "stew meat." Pants are stolen.]

Well, that happens sometimes. Adversity’s a funny thing. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear steals your car and your identity, and pretty soon you’re the bear, and you get to go around scratching your back on trees and stealing people’s cars. Didja know bears feel shame, but not guilt? They’re funny that way. Someone help Graham find his legs.

Disappointment has five flavors in 2008. Numbers five, four and three may be examined, too, if you aren’t sad and disappointed enough.

Clemson/Your Potential as Noted in Your Permanent Record. So, your teacher and your mother and your guidance counselor are all seated around the table, and there are these scores: aptitude scores, forty times, profiles, names, James Davis and C.J. Spiller and Cullen Harper and Da’Quan Bowers…and we’re all just wondering, kid: where did we go wrong?

You had so many activities on your resume, Clemson. There were things expected of you.

Ninth preseason. The pick out of the ACC. There were…expectations. You had an appointment with greatness, according to this paperwork in front of us. You had been building for so long for this moment, studying, doing little trial bowls like the Peach Bowl, learning to win…you just looked like, you know, an optimist’s dream, a team that would suddenly take the–pffffiiiip!-liftoff into orbit. You attended that smart camp for smart kids at Duke that one summer. You did a diorama that had the middle school faculty goggling, kid. Just add some study skills and an offensive line, and we were all convinced that it would start working out for you.

But then freshman Jamie Harper got the first carry of the season in the Georgia Dome, and fumbled, and…that kind of embodied the whole season, didn’t it? A preseason promise gone pear-shaped and leading to just another step in a blowout by a team that didn’t spend the entire preseason fantasizing about future glory and the tastycakes that follow hard work?

First you failed the Alabama exam due to underestimating the material and lacking an offensive line. You lay down against Alabama and any team with a decent rushing attack (see Alabama,) and failed to hold onto leads (see Maryland, where you were up 17-6 before coughing the game up to the bizarro Terps.) At no point could we trace any consistency outside of the defense, who unlike the offense seemed to both know what they were doing most of the time and how to do it. Aside from the Alabama game, they showed up every week.

And then you forgot the worst thing of all in the panic induced by deflating expectations: what you were good at in the first place. James Davis and C.J. Spiller were what you were good at, a bruising back and a blazing game-breaker capable of keeping you in games. They got fewer and fewer carries as Clemson morphed from being a run first play-action pass team to dinking the ball all over the place ineffectively like…like Toledo 2003, actually, where offensive coordinator Rod Spence came from in the first place, and where he could be coaching next, for all we know.

He and Tommy Bowden are both gone. Dabo Swinney, the interim coach, has joined Mike Singletary in this year’s audition to be the most outlandish stand-in until the real coach gets hired, calling trick plays, introducing new traditions he has decided will be traditions, and attempting to take complete ownership of an essentially foreclosed house. Going 3-2 may back up your claim of squatters’ rights, or it may not–we have a feeling that after a decade plus of B student performance, Clemson may just bid him farewell and hire someone with no association with the old regime.

But that’s what hurts the most, Clemson. We’ve invested so much time and energy in you. Superb recruiting classes, endlessly positive preseason ink, the late season swings where you looked poised to jump off the plateau and up to the mountaintop of excellence, of an ACC title, and–we dared dream this at one point–a BCS slot. We bought the Baby Einstein, the encyclopedias, the violin lessons, the window dressings we hoped you would build a stately and prestigious house around. We thought you were just taking your time on the way up, was all.

Turns out you were happy with being a B plus student, Clemson. No, please. Let us finish. We’re not even angry. We’re just disappointed, and that…that may be the worst thing of all.

Tell me…have you ever considered technical school?

A leading candidate for the job at Washington in one image:

We’ll believe this when hell freezes over and Lucifer is begging at our door to just come in for a few seconds to warm his poor cloven feet. For extra laughs, just rewatch the robot interview here.