GUEST COLUMNIST: TOMMY KILBORN, ND ALUM
Tommy Kilborn wants some change he can believe in.Notre Dame alum and recent graduate Tommy Kilborn gives his two cents on the Notre Dame Coaching Situation. Take it away, Tommy!
Hello, EDSBSers. Tommy Kilborn, Notre Dame graduate and current hard-working young man, has been asked to give his two cents on the current Notre Dame coaching situation. Well, I’d tell you I was too busy to do just such a thing, what with my job with my high-powered finance job I got right out of Notre Dame making six figures. Go, networking!
Unfortunately, I made many trades involving a certain undervalued and unfairly besmirched sector of the market that I believe will eventually make a fine comeback. Just like my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, who have now reached a defining moment in their esteemed history in the fourth season under Charlie Weis, will make a comeback to reclaim their rightful spot as America’s college football team.
It hurts to say this. It hurt to say this when they fired Ty Willingham, a good man and a decent man who could not coach good football if the fate of our world depended on his team getting a first down. I voted for Obama, so I can write this. (Actually, I’m just kidding. I vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I liked her spunk, and I’m a Republican.)
I said as much when the time came on that fateful day four years ago:
And now, sadly, just as it was four years ago, here we are.
It pains me to say this.
I think it’s time for Charlie Weis to go.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think he really gets the college game. Oh, he’s a good man, and a Catholic, and a great recruiter. He’ll let you pose with his ring anytime, and you best believe that’s helped us land talented young men of character like Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate. He has done good things for the university, and I will always be grateful for the things he has done for the university.
I feel that way about everyone who works at Notre Dame, right down to Clarence the janitor, who was always quick with a witty jibe and a rhythmic slap of the hand, and who jokingly offered to sell me marijuana. It was our little joke for years. I thank Clarence and everyone who did my laundry, cut the grass, and otherwise did the hard work to make our lives there so enjoyable. (Yes, we have people who do our laundry at Notre Dame. Don’t be jealous!)
The pattern is clear: Notre Dame isn’t getting any closer to championships under Charlie Weis. First, we lose to Sparty, and then Fredo, and then…I don’t even want to talk about our losses to the Southern University of California. (SUC!
) Their continued dominance of us alone is reason enough to be concerned. Losing to Navy and Syracuse at home in a two year span is the last straw.
We need to think “out of the box,” and I’m here to help do just that. My short list for candidates is as follows. Notre Dame, we need to make this happen, something I will help to do as soon as my own financial situation rebounds just as my football team will.
1. Bill Belichick Coaching at ND will be the only step up Coach Bill Belichick can take. He’s not personable, but winning cures all of that.
2. Urban Meyer. I’m sure he’ll come. He was born for this job. It’s destiny. He’s named after a Pope, and he’s Catholic. He’s a great football coach. He gets our university. He coaches for a second-tier program and has worked wonders with the scraps he has.
3. The Trinity Plan. Parseghian, Holtz, and the spirit of Knute Rockne. I’m getting a bit fanciful here with the last part. (Though Knute is still very much with us in spirit. I feel his presence every time I sit down in the stadium to watch a game.)
Ara Parseghian is 85, and Lou Holtz is 71. But these two combined could join forces to help the Irish for a year or two until we find just the right person. Guided by the spirit of Knute Rockne, I am sure they could lead the Irish back to greatness. Also, they may join our maker sooner rather than later, making the buyout situation very manageable for the administration.
4. Jon Gruden. If none of the others bite–which won’t happen, but still–we can do well enough with Tampa’s Jon Gruden. He is not my first choice, but he is obviously just waiting on our call. (Plus: who would choose Tampa over South Bend? Adult dance clubs and sweltering weather are not a reason to call a place a city. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, but I just don’t think it compares to South Bend.)
We need to move quickly and decisively. Notre Dame is already number one in our hearts and minds, let’s just put them back where they belong: number one in the polls. WE BELIEVE! GO IRISH!
ps. I am on linkedin and other networking sites if you have job leads, so don’t hesitate to contact me at 4theechoes@gmail.com. GO IRISH.










1
BurritoBrosShits says:
GET THE GINGER OFF MY COMPUTER!!!!
November 25th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
2
George says:
While I guess it is possible Urban Meyer could coach at ND, to call UF “a second-tier program” is pretty ridiculous.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
3
NativeSon says:
You know, I never realized until reading that entry how eerily similar ND compares to Bama.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
4
ChasingMizzou says:
I need to invest my money with El Kabong.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
5
kleph says:
note to self: avoid pissing off orson in the comments.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
6
CrimsonCommodore says:
@ 2. Blasphemy. Take it back…
November 25th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
7
Other Chris says:
I was hoping I was going to get to read “He’s named after a Pope” as a rationale. Good job!
November 25th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
8
The Tusk says:
NS@3 –
Except we got our *unrealistic expextations* coach…and we don’t completely suck.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
9
Atlantadomer says:
Thank you thank you for bringing back one of my favorites and a true voice for all ND alumns.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
10
PW says:
As much as I hate to say it, I think he’s right about Belichick. I mean, he’s accomplished all there is to accomplish at the pro level, and ND is the best job in the college ranks.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
11
urbanisagod says:
I stopped reading at “second teir program”. When will these douche irish fans go away? Please realize that football didn’t stop being played after 1988, it’s just been played much better than what you put on the field.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
12
4.0 Point Stance says:
Wait, do they really do your laundry for you at ND? I picked the wrong f’in college.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
13
Tommy Kilborn says:
Urbangator, you may have the year wrong there. We were good enough for a certain team in 1992.
Maybe you’re just worried about a certain coach coming to where he feels he truly belongs.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
14
dave buschman says:
Um, having been to South Bend, a dreary post-Industrial dump with a menacingy criminal fringe, I can honestly say that a little swelter and a lap dance or two wouldn’t hurt.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
15
tbone says:
#11: did you think subcommandante wayne was real too?
November 25th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
16
a real Irish lady says:
Ug. This little creep represents the worst of my school. There are those of us who aren’t smarmy little Republicans with a wacked out sense of entitlement. I read this hoping for the punchline, that you made him up in order to further mock our school. ND doesn’t “do our laundry,” spoiled brats whose parents never taught them to be responsible for themselves have it sent out and put on Mommy and Daddy’s tab. That said, it has to be satire because not even pasty pale gingers can be that blissfully unaware of racist nonsense coming out of their yappers.
It is true that most of us would like Charlie Weis to be fired. Sadly, while I wish the best for a fellow alumni, you keep your job when you get results. It is too bad we can’t just keep him on to recruit and get someone else to do the actual coaching.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
17
Charlie says:
this guy needs to go a little more over the top, cuz right now he just sounds like a kinda-asshole.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
18
knowterdayme says:
The best thing about ‘ol Tommy is how many people wind up thinking he’s a real person.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
19
DHC says:
After reading that drivel, I noticed the wife’s chick magazine on the table. The cover mentions an article within, “Your most embarrassing gyno moments … SOLVED!”
Coincidence? I think not.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
20
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
A right-wing Catholic named Kilborn? That’s a bit much.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
21
The Sarge says:
Yes you definitely need Gramma (Holtz) back at ND. Hhhmmmmm didn’t leave that program on probation like he did others? Hhhhmmmmm? Yes get Gramma back there pronto.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
22
Bj says:
most of the responses here get a fat facepalm.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
23
dogtown domer says:
Self-important fucks like Tommy always blame others. If Mr. Kilborn were to look a little closer at the problem, maybe he could find that there are cultural problems at Notre Dame that extend to the football team.
Namely, discounting the victory over SUC in ‘05 (”Leinart just got stuffed at the Goal Line! The whole Trojan backfield was just knocked back 3 yards! Notre Dame just beat the Greatest. Team. Ever!”) when was the last time ND looked like the kinda high-character blue-collar team that did its own laundry?
November 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
24
Orson Swindle says:
Gen. Stoopnagle: Shhhhhhhhh….
November 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
25
Touchdown74 says:
In the immortal words of Admiral Akbar…”IT’S A TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!”
November 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
26
Bobby Decatur says:
You can’t really blame them. That’s some hardcore character inhabitation…Orson freaks me out a little bit.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
27
cjdomer04 says:
@12 – yes, but you have to pay them for it.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
28
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
Sorry. Sorry!
November 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
29
chuy says:
Some of the above posters need to adjust their sarcasm meters…almost as funny as the “column” itself…
November 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
30
sb says:
O., thank you for illustrating exactly why everybody thinks so highly of ND…we all know “Tommy”.
I look forward to another 20 million $ worth of Weisian induced angst and frustration.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
31
MaconDawg says:
Yes, Notre Dame, there is a Tommy Kilborn. Just as surely as Charlie Weis has never known the despair of meat sweats, and Urban Meyer is named after a clothing outfitter. He lives whereever your mediocre football team is busy setting off little sparklers of glee in the hearts of service academies and mid-majors.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
32
skinnyphatman says:
Golden Tait! That explains it. I kept thinking they were saying Golden Taint. No wonder the wife only shook her head and called me a dumbass, when I brought it up.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
33
Domer Guy says:
Some of these posters are either first time visitors to EDSBS or are incredibly stupid.
However, it is true that ND has a laundry service where you can drop off a bag of your filthiest rags and have them delivered to you washed, pressed, and on hangers (or folded, if you prefer): http://www.nd.edu/~stmikes/
Fire Jesus Christ.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
34
Kernel says:
If Tommy isn’t enough to make you hate ND, the tone-deaf commenters too mired in self-importance to get a joke will certainly seal the deal.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
35
Holly says:
If Tommy Kilborn isn’t real, where’d I get his Livejournal screencap? Huh, college boy?
November 25th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
36
CincySooner says:
jeez folks…
I bet you’ve already emailed Tommy… haven’t you? don’t lie.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
37
DC Trojan says:
You know you’ve been spending too much time reading EDSBS when you know that Tommy Kilborn isn’t real, but you hadn’t realized that Golden Tate is that young man’s *actual* name rather than another [COACH REDACTED] or similar.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
38
Fredo says:
Tommy-boy,
That’s Mr. Fredo to you.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
39
Cleat Meat says:
Ha ha! Yes, I get it! Domer douchebag is satire, because he’s making fun of … douchebag Domers! Oh, the irony.
Golly gee, Orson, you almost had me there.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
40
ShermanOaksND says:
Come on. Tommy’s original post saying “it’s time for a change” came on 12-1-04 at 7:21 pm, but everyone knows that Willingham’s firing was announced at 11:41 am Eastern Standard Time on 11-30-04. Do you really expect us to believe that Tommy, Bonger et al. didn’t hear the news until at least 32 hours after the fact?
You guys are slipping.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
41
DrBundy says:
If Tommy isn’t real, then I don’t know what is anymore.
Where’s my meds?
November 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
42
paco says:
A Notre Dame alum begging for job leads? Sounds about right.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
43
www.southbendblarney.com says:
Orson,
It definitely looks like you have seen an ND site or 2 in your day! The coaching list is spot on.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
44
NFLmentality says:
Tommy is niiiiiice, but Dick Gozinya is GOLD!
November 25th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
45
sonofsamford says:
That Shermanator picture irritates people enough that they let their guard down. I’m still thinking about emailing that douchebag.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
46
Stagecoach says:
Skinnyphatman @ 32
I was thinking the same thing.
Being single, however, caused my dumbassedness to be confirmed by several women, instead of simply a wife.
You got off light.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
47
Chilltown says:
What is it about ND fans that makes them so gullible? Remember the Tommy Kilborn post from last year about BC?
November 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
48
beckett929 says:
Whats sad is this whole column was written sarcatically from the outside looking in….. yet its EXACTLY how ND fans see their program… Syracuse’s players looked more grown up and more like athletes than the the ND players saturday…. let me say that again, SYRACUSE has better pure athletes than Notre Dame…. that shows where that program stands in 2008.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
49
kleph says:
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November 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
50
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Really Delusional Dept:
Notre Dame has about as much a chance of getting Urban Meyer as Miss Stacy Keibler has of getting some of this (pointing at myself).
November 25th, 2008 at 1:59 pm