GUEST COLUMNIST: TOMMY KILBORN, ND ALUM

GET THE GINGER OFF MY COMPUTER!!!!

While I guess it is possible Urban Meyer could coach at ND, to call UF “a second-tier program” is pretty ridiculous.

You know, I never realized until reading that entry how eerily similar ND compares to Bama.

I need to invest my money with El Kabong.

note to self: avoid pissing off orson in the comments.

@ 2. Blasphemy. Take it back…

I was hoping I was going to get to read “He’s named after a Pope” as a rationale. Good job!

NS@3 -

Except we got our unrealistic expextations coach…and we don’t completely suck.

Thank you thank you for bringing back one of my favorites and a true voice for all ND alumns.

As much as I hate to say it, I think he’s right about Belichick. I mean, he’s accomplished all there is to accomplish at the pro level, and ND is the best job in the college ranks.

I stopped reading at “second teir program”. When will these douche irish fans go away? Please realize that football didn’t stop being played after 1988, it’s just been played much better than what you put on the field.

Wait, do they really do your laundry for you at ND? I picked the wrong f’in college.

Urbangator, you may have the year wrong there. We were good enough for a certain team in 1992.

Maybe you’re just worried about a certain coach coming to where he feels he truly belongs.

Um, having been to South Bend, a dreary post-Industrial dump with a menacingy criminal fringe, I can honestly say that a little swelter and a lap dance or two wouldn’t hurt.

#11: did you think subcommandante wayne was real too?

Ug. This little creep represents the worst of my school. There are those of us who aren’t smarmy little Republicans with a wacked out sense of entitlement. I read this hoping for the punchline, that you made him up in order to further mock our school. ND doesn’t “do our laundry,” spoiled brats whose parents never taught them to be responsible for themselves have it sent out and put on Mommy and Daddy’s tab. That said, it has to be satire because not even pasty pale gingers can be that blissfully unaware of racist nonsense coming out of their yappers.

It is true that most of us would like Charlie Weis to be fired. Sadly, while I wish the best for a fellow alumni, you keep your job when you get results. It is too bad we can’t just keep him on to recruit and get someone else to do the actual coaching.

this guy needs to go a little more over the top, cuz right now he just sounds like a kinda-asshole.

The best thing about ‘ol Tommy is how many people wind up thinking he’s a real person.

After reading that drivel, I noticed the wife’s chick magazine on the table. The cover mentions an article within, “Your most embarrassing gyno moments … SOLVED!”

Coincidence? I think not.

A right-wing Catholic named Kilborn? That’s a bit much.

Yes you definitely need Gramma (Holtz) back at ND. Hhhmmmmm didn’t leave that program on probation like he did others? Hhhhmmmmm? Yes get Gramma back there pronto.

most of the responses here get a fat facepalm.

Self-important fucks like Tommy always blame others. If Mr. Kilborn were to look a little closer at the problem, maybe he could find that there are cultural problems at Notre Dame that extend to the football team.

Namely, discounting the victory over SUC in ’05 (“Leinart just got stuffed at the Goal Line! The whole Trojan backfield was just knocked back 3 yards! Notre Dame just beat the Greatest. Team. Ever!”) when was the last time ND looked like the kinda high-character blue-collar team that did its own laundry?

Gen. Stoopnagle: Shhhhhhhhh….

In the immortal words of Admiral Akbar…“IT’S A TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!”

You can’t really blame them. That’s some hardcore character inhabitation…Orson freaks me out a little bit.

@12 – yes, but you have to pay them for it.

Sorry. Sorry!

Some of the above posters need to adjust their sarcasm meters…almost as funny as the “column” itself…

O., thank you for illustrating exactly why everybody thinks so highly of ND…we all know “Tommy”.

I look forward to another 20 million $ worth of Weisian induced angst and frustration.

Yes, Notre Dame, there is a Tommy Kilborn. Just as surely as Charlie Weis has never known the despair of meat sweats, and Urban Meyer is named after a clothing outfitter. He lives whereever your mediocre football team is busy setting off little sparklers of glee in the hearts of service academies and mid-majors.

Golden Tait! That explains it. I kept thinking they were saying Golden Taint. No wonder the wife only shook her head and called me a dumbass, when I brought it up.

Some of these posters are either first time visitors to EDSBS or are incredibly stupid.

However, it is true that ND has a laundry service where you can drop off a bag of your filthiest rags and have them delivered to you washed, pressed, and on hangers (or folded, if you prefer): http://www.nd.edu/~stmikes/

Fire Jesus Christ.

If Tommy isn’t enough to make you hate ND, the tone-deaf commenters too mired in self-importance to get a joke will certainly seal the deal.

If Tommy Kilborn isn’t real, where’d I get his Livejournal screencap? Huh, college boy?

jeez folks…

I bet you’ve already emailed Tommy… haven’t you? don’t lie.

You know you’ve been spending too much time reading EDSBS when you know that Tommy Kilborn isn’t real, but you hadn’t realized that Golden Tate is that young man’s actual name rather than another [COACH REDACTED] or similar.

Tommy-boy,

That’s Mr. Fredo to you.

Ha ha! Yes, I get it! Domer douchebag is satire, because he’s making fun of … douchebag Domers! Oh, the irony.

Golly gee, Orson, you almost had me there.

Come on. Tommy’s original post saying “it’s time for a change” came on 12-1-04 at 7:21 pm, but everyone knows that Willingham’s firing was announced at 11:41 am Eastern Standard Time on 11-30-04. Do you really expect us to believe that Tommy, Bonger et al. didn’t hear the news until at least 32 hours after the fact?

You guys are slipping.

If Tommy isn’t real, then I don’t know what is anymore.

Where’s my meds?

A Notre Dame alum begging for job leads? Sounds about right.

Orson,

It definitely looks like you have seen an ND site or 2 in your day! The coaching list is spot on.

Tommy is niiiiiice, but Dick Gozinya is GOLD!

That Shermanator picture irritates people enough that they let their guard down. I’m still thinking about emailing that douchebag.

Skinnyphatman @ 32

I was thinking the same thing.

Being single, however, caused my dumbassedness to be confirmed by several women, instead of simply a wife.

You got off light.

What is it about ND fans that makes them so gullible? Remember the Tommy Kilborn post from last year about BC?

Whats sad is this whole column was written sarcatically from the outside looking in….. yet its EXACTLY how ND fans see their program… Syracuse’s players looked more grown up and more like athletes than the the ND players saturday…. let me say that again, SYRACUSE has better pure athletes than Notre Dame…. that shows where that program stands in 2008.

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Really Delusional Dept:

Notre Dame has about as much a chance of getting Urban Meyer as Miss Stacy Keibler has of getting some of this (pointing at myself).

Paco, I don’t think you know of what you speak.

The laundry service is the main reason I chose ND for grad school.

I am a proud proponent of the laundry service at ND. When factoring in time, quarters, and everything else I ended up saving money by using it. Besides, they did dry cleaning too for only a little bit extra.

Shit, my freshman year the men’s dorms still had maid service and you could smoke in classes.

/not as old as I sound there

Also: Tommy- I’m putting in a request right now for access to your livejournal archives.

Waaaaaaay back @ 15:

Subcommandante Wayne is real. I’m a Buckeye fan and student living in Columbus, I see him in the mirror every morning and 25,000 of him on campus every day.

From Wiki-How

How to get more hits on your site:

1) write brilliant article in voice of buttoned up ND fan
2) post link to article on as many ND fan boards as you can
3)???
4) PROFIT AND MAKE IT RAIN, BITCHES!!!!

Sr Swindle-
You complete me.

/ is that awkward?

I can’t believe how soft ND kids are getting these days- the laundry delivers everything back to the dorm? Already on hangers? We had to carry everything back from way the heck out behind Lewis with the string wrapping the packages digging into our hands… You guys don’t know how lucky you are.

“Hello EDSBSers?” That wasn’t enough?

Thanks Orson, you know how to kick a man when he’s down.

Just wanted to let kleph know that he inspired me to go for an afternoon run instead of sitting here and hitting refresh and impatiently waiting for new content.

NEW CONTENT!!!!

Is Ara Parseghian really only 3 years older than JoePa?

Also ND alum…. Come on… he get at LEAST one more year. Last two years are unacceptable but firing him without another good coach lined up is a terrrible idea. That coaching list is a joke. If we were looking for a coach, i think that starts with Butch Davis.

I got my laundry done on 13th (wash/dry/fold/hung) in Gainesville (while living in the student ghetto) without the stigma of high-cost tuition and the burden of snobbery inherent in that bastion of Holier Than Thou…oh, but I had to pick it up myself.

University of Notre Dame – “Washing the cum soaked tube socks of Young Republicans since 1842”

Is this what ND fans are like? What a douche. No wonder people hate the Irish.

I’m trying to figure out what’s more hilariously pathetic. People thinking Tommy Kilborn is real or those sports radio guys who thought Hayley Lafontaine was real because it was posted on DeadSpin.

Hey Tommy, here’s hoping you land on your feet. Let me know if when you get settled at your new place of business. I have some can’t miss IIO Mezzo’s off of Option Arm collateral that would be a great starter at you new gig!

Cheers,
K42

I think a lot of Florida fans are underestimating the draw of coaching at Notre Dame. Urban said himself that Notre Dame is his dream job. Sorry Gaytors, but the massive buyout for Weis is probably the only thing that will keep this move from happening.

This is the funniest G*d@mn thing I’ve ever read.

SIAP but Tommy looks like Rick Astley.

Actually, I would like to hear more from Dick Gozinya, he is the more rational ND fan.
Orson, in the words of BuckWheat, you are a “Moodacull denius”, just like Stevie Wonder, if Stevie Wonder had sight, were white, and were a writer.

This is also real, if you close your eyes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR3nu3cz6vo

Sadly there is a person out there thinking these very thoughts as we speak.

Another holier than thou Cat-lick with a superiority complex. Yawn.

That was pretty much perfect, right down to the insane, overly-defensive comments. Tip of the hat.

The first Kilborn entry got a lot more upset Domers to bite, and this one might have too if the commenters who read the last one had just waited a while before giving up the secret.

Enjoy Chucky Weis ND. There isn’t a fanbase and coach more deserving of each other, even Michigan and DickRod.

What an arrogant prick.

The best ND could get is a Tenuta promotion.

The only way ND should fire Weisss is if they are going to replace him with something almost as entertaining.

How about some protestant blabberdy dash gagiggity from Ole Miss?

Man, I hope the Irish do fire Weiss. It’ll give everyone the opportunity to complete their ND book trilogy. First, Willingham came back and was on his way to restoring the Irish to greatness when he unleashed his own bit of greatness:

http://www.amazon.com/Return-Glory-Inside-Willinghams-Amazing/dp/0316607657

Then, not to be outdone, Weiss published this tome when his turnaround of the best football program ever was complete;

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Gold-Standard-Charlie-Weiss/dp/1933060204

Yessir, these complete turnarounds of ND football are so exciting that I can’t wait to read about Lane Kiffin/Butch Davis/MAC coach to be named and their inspiring turnaround of the previously dormant ND program.

Irish fans, be the first to own all three!

Good news though, if Ty turned it around and then Charlie turned it around, all they did was a 360 and are still headed in the wrong direction. Now this next guy, he’ll do a correct turnaround.

Absolutely perfect. Thanks for that, Orson, head EDSBSer…

And here I thought I’d get rickroll’d when I clicked on the “more” link; instead I get the pleasure of Domers taking the bait.

Kleph: Brilliant!

Bravo! Well played, sir.

So when do we get the “fake blog post from self-hating ironic SEC fan?”

@68

If Urban had ANY desire to coach at Notre Lame, he would have taken the offer 4 years ago. ND fired Ty, fulling planning on signing Urban, and once Urban weighed out locations, facilities, and recruits; Florida was hands-down WAY better than South Bend…..and he choose the best place to win National Championships and raise a family. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. His family loves Gainesville, and he will not take his kids out of school there. He’s also been given full college tution for all his kids to attend UF or any other college of their choice as long as he’s head coach at Florida.

Notre Dame was stunned at Urban’s refusal, and made a very, very poor choice. Notre Dame’s glory days are over….LONG GONE….and I’d bet a year’s pay that they’ll not win a National Championship or even sniff one in the next 20 years, hell, maybe EVER.

Brian O’Blivion @ 75

…Or we could’ve pretended to buy into what Tommy was saying (Belichick to ND = good idea —> PW @ 10)

Is this loser for real?

Who knew that the Sherminator went to Notre Dame. Its good to see those American Pie kids doing well. Go get your lady Sherminator.

+100 cocktails to you, Orson. Johnathan Swift would be proud.

I thought that people on this site “got” sarcasm. Guess they aren’t going to be watching the Ohio vs Miami-Ohio showdown with me and Gladwell this Saturday. Dumb people rule. SiiiiKE!

@ 82:

“He’s also been given full college tution for all his kids to attend UF or any other college of their choice as long as he’s head coach at Florida.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I actually agree with the rest of your post, but that was just crazy.

From a UF partisan, not a Domer:
http://www.floridatoday.com/article/20081120/COLUMNISTS0306/811200343/1065/SPORTS

@88

I assure you, his original contract included that.

The restructured contract, signed in 2007 and goes thru 2012, which is detailed below, changes the wording, but is essentially the same thing.

http://miamiherald.typepad.com/gator_clause/2008/03/meyers-contract.html

Oh Yeah, Domer Guy, I forgot….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

now STFU until you research the facts….

I must admit when I first read this I thought " Is this ND-bag for real? He certainly sounds like others I’ve met." But seriously, Notre Dame sucks hard and enthusiasticly.

Mich-Placed:

I never doubted that his contract included that clause. My hysterical laughter was directed at your apparent belief that the benefit that you identified would somehow be an incentive not to leave Florida.

C’mon, he is making $3-4 million per year. If, hypothetically, Urban were to leave Florida for ND, he would almost certainly be compensated in the same range (probably more). Urban could name his price and terms. Do you really think $100k/ per year per child would stop him from doing whatever he wanted?

Anyway, like I said above, I agree with the majority of your post, especially the part about Florida being better for him four years ago in terms of winning a NC. However, read the link at post 89. I’m not saying it would happen, but it makes an interesting argument….

How about El kabong predicting that Tyrone would have a winless season at Washington… I agree with your picks for the new coach. Urban is the man for the job. He is the best coach in the nation and he has ties to the Bend. It takes a lot of balls to be the coach at Notre Dame and only the President gets more scrutinized. Urban has more than enough moxie and ability

My god, this is awesome.

Best comments in this thread? Tie between #49 and #78. Bravo!

Florida is a “Second tier program”?

I love myopic Notre Dame homers. It makes this video that much funnier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Y7yjxJVlc

Go Trojans! BEAT the Irish!

It’s cracking me up how many people are leaving comments toward the ND alum that wrote this article. I think that might be funnier than the article itself. Nice work, Orson. Apparently you’ve fooled them, or are ND alums really just that much like a charicature in real life? Either way, priceless.

Come on, another one at comment #97? I am in awe of your talent Orson.