GUEST COLUMNIST: TOMMY KILBORN, ND ALUM
Tommy Kilborn wants some change he can believe in.Notre Dame alum and recent graduate Tommy Kilborn gives his two cents on the Notre Dame Coaching Situation. Take it away, Tommy!
Hello, EDSBSers. Tommy Kilborn, Notre Dame graduate and current hard-working young man, has been asked to give his two cents on the current Notre Dame coaching situation. Well, I’d tell you I was too busy to do just such a thing, what with my job with my high-powered finance job I got right out of Notre Dame making six figures. Go, networking!
Unfortunately, I made many trades involving a certain undervalued and unfairly besmirched sector of the market that I believe will eventually make a fine comeback. Just like my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, who have now reached a defining moment in their esteemed history in the fourth season under Charlie Weis, will make a comeback to reclaim their rightful spot as America’s college football team.
It hurts to say this. It hurt to say this when they fired Ty Willingham, a good man and a decent man who could not coach good football if the fate of our world depended on his team getting a first down. I voted for Obama, so I can write this. (Actually, I’m just kidding. I vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I liked her spunk, and I’m a Republican.)
I said as much when the time came on that fateful day four years ago:
And now, sadly, just as it was four years ago, here we are.
It pains me to say this.
I think it’s time for Charlie Weis to go.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think he really gets the college game. Oh, he’s a good man, and a Catholic, and a great recruiter. He’ll let you pose with his ring anytime, and you best believe that’s helped us land talented young men of character like Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate. He has done good things for the university, and I will always be grateful for the things he has done for the university.
I feel that way about everyone who works at Notre Dame, right down to Clarence the janitor, who was always quick with a witty jibe and a rhythmic slap of the hand, and who jokingly offered to sell me marijuana. It was our little joke for years. I thank Clarence and everyone who did my laundry, cut the grass, and otherwise did the hard work to make our lives there so enjoyable. (Yes, we have people who do our laundry at Notre Dame. Don’t be jealous!)
The pattern is clear: Notre Dame isn’t getting any closer to championships under Charlie Weis. First, we lose to Sparty, and then Fredo, and then…I don’t even want to talk about our losses to the Southern University of California. (SUC!
) Their continued dominance of us alone is reason enough to be concerned. Losing to Navy and Syracuse at home in a two year span is the last straw.
We need to think “out of the box,” and I’m here to help do just that. My short list for candidates is as follows. Notre Dame, we need to make this happen, something I will help to do as soon as my own financial situation rebounds just as my football team will.
1. Bill Belichick Coaching at ND will be the only step up Coach Bill Belichick can take. He’s not personable, but winning cures all of that.
2. Urban Meyer. I’m sure he’ll come. He was born for this job. It’s destiny. He’s named after a Pope, and he’s Catholic. He’s a great football coach. He gets our university. He coaches for a second-tier program and has worked wonders with the scraps he has.
3. The Trinity Plan. Parseghian, Holtz, and the spirit of Knute Rockne. I’m getting a bit fanciful here with the last part. (Though Knute is still very much with us in spirit. I feel his presence every time I sit down in the stadium to watch a game.)
Ara Parseghian is 85, and Lou Holtz is 71. But these two combined could join forces to help the Irish for a year or two until we find just the right person. Guided by the spirit of Knute Rockne, I am sure they could lead the Irish back to greatness. Also, they may join our maker sooner rather than later, making the buyout situation very manageable for the administration.
4. Jon Gruden. If none of the others bite–which won’t happen, but still–we can do well enough with Tampa’s Jon Gruden. He is not my first choice, but he is obviously just waiting on our call. (Plus: who would choose Tampa over South Bend? Adult dance clubs and sweltering weather are not a reason to call a place a city. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, but I just don’t think it compares to South Bend.)
We need to move quickly and decisively. Notre Dame is already number one in our hearts and minds, let’s just put them back where they belong: number one in the polls. WE BELIEVE! GO IRISH!
ps. I am on linkedin and other networking sites if you have job leads, so don’t hesitate to contact me at 4theechoes@gmail.com. GO IRISH.










51
Wooderson says:
Paco, I don’t think you know of what you speak.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
52
Texas Gal says:
The laundry service is the main reason I chose ND for grad school.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
53
AllWhoYonder says:
I am a proud proponent of the laundry service at ND. When factoring in time, quarters, and everything else I ended up saving money by using it. Besides, they did dry cleaning too for only a little bit extra.
Shit, my freshman year the men’s dorms still had maid service and you could smoke in classes.
/not as old as I sound there
November 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
54
Texas Gal says:
Also: Tommy- I’m putting in a request right now for access to your livejournal archives.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
55
poguemahone says:
Waaaaaaay back @ 15:
Subcommandante Wayne is real. I’m a Buckeye fan and student living in Columbus, I see him in the mirror every morning and 25,000 of him on campus every day.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
56
vegas_buckeye says:
From Wiki-How
How to get more hits on your site:
1) write brilliant article in voice of buttoned up ND fan
2) post link to article on as many ND fan boards as you can
3)???
4) PROFIT AND MAKE IT RAIN, BITCHES!!!!
Sr Swindle-
You complete me.
/ is that awkward?
November 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
57
gozer says:
I can’t believe how soft ND kids are getting these days- the laundry delivers everything back to the dorm? Already on hangers? We had to carry everything back from way the heck out behind Lewis with the string wrapping the packages digging into our hands… You guys don’t know how lucky you are.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
58
Jason says:
“Hello EDSBSers?” That wasn’t enough?
November 25th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
59
ElTerrible says:
Thanks Orson, you know how to kick a man when he’s down.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
60
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
Just wanted to let kleph know that he inspired me to go for an afternoon run instead of sitting here and hitting refresh and impatiently waiting for new content.
NEW CONTENT!!!!
November 25th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
61
DanF says:
Is Ara Parseghian really only 3 years older than JoePa?
November 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
62
Jon (Austin) says:
Also ND alum…. Come on… he get at LEAST one more year. Last two years are unacceptable but firing him without another good coach lined up is a terrrible idea. That coaching list is a joke. If we were looking for a coach, i think that starts with Butch Davis.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
63
sb says:
I got my laundry done on 13th (wash/dry/fold/hung) in Gainesville (while living in the student ghetto) without the stigma of high-cost tuition and the burden of snobbery inherent in that bastion of Holier Than Thou…oh, but I had to pick it up myself.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
64
Jswinn says:
University of Notre Dame – “Washing the cum soaked tube socks of Young Republicans since 1842″
November 25th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
65
Beamwalker says:
Is this what ND fans are like? What a douche. No wonder people hate the Irish.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
66
John says:
I’m trying to figure out what’s more hilariously pathetic. People thinking Tommy Kilborn is real or those sports radio guys who thought Hayley Lafontaine was real because it was posted on DeadSpin.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
67
Kerwin4two says:
Hey Tommy, here’s hoping you land on your feet. Let me know if when you get settled at your new place of business. I have some can’t miss IIO Mezzo’s off of Option Arm collateral that would be a great starter at you new gig!
Cheers,
K42
November 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
68
mike says:
I think a lot of Florida fans are underestimating the draw of coaching at Notre Dame. Urban said himself that Notre Dame is his dream job. Sorry Gaytors, but the massive buyout for Weis is probably the only thing that will keep this move from happening.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
69
LG says:
This is the funniest G*d@mn thing I’ve ever read.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
70
johnny douche says:
SIAP but Tommy looks like Rick Astley.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
71
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
Actually, I would like to hear more from Dick Gozinya, he is the more rational ND fan.
Orson, in the words of BuckWheat, you are a “Moodacull denius”, just like Stevie Wonder, if Stevie Wonder had sight, were white, and were a writer.
This is also real, if you close your eyes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR3nu3cz6vo
November 25th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
72
Andrew says:
Sadly there is a person out there thinking these very thoughts as we speak.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
73
Bob LaBlaw says:
Another holier than thou Cat-lick with a superiority complex. Yawn.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
74
cw says:
That was pretty much perfect, right down to the insane, overly-defensive comments. Tip of the hat.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
75
Brian O'Blivion says:
The first Kilborn entry got a lot more upset Domers to bite, and this one might have too if the commenters who read the last one had just waited a while before giving up the secret.
Enjoy Chucky Weis ND. There isn’t a fanbase and coach more deserving of each other, even Michigan and DickRod.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
76
JP says:
What an arrogant prick.
The best ND could get is a Tenuta promotion.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
77
keosahawkeye says:
The only way ND should fire Weisss is if they are going to replace him with something almost as entertaining.
How about some protestant blabberdy dash gagiggity from Ole Miss?
November 25th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
78
macker says:
Man, I hope the Irish do fire Weiss. It’ll give everyone the opportunity to complete their ND book trilogy. First, Willingham came back and was on his way to restoring the Irish to greatness when he unleashed his own bit of greatness:
http://www.amazon.com/Return-Glory-Inside-Willinghams-Amazing/dp/0316607657
Then, not to be outdone, Weiss published this tome when his turnaround of the best football program ever was complete;
http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Gold-Standard-Charlie-Weiss/dp/1933060204
Yessir, these complete turnarounds of ND football are so exciting that I can’t wait to read about Lane Kiffin/Butch Davis/MAC coach to be named and their inspiring turnaround of the previously dormant ND program.
Irish fans, be the first to own all three!
Good news though, if Ty turned it around and then Charlie turned it around, all they did was a 360 and are still headed in the wrong direction. Now this next guy, he’ll do a correct turnaround.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
79
PSUfanNYC says:
Absolutely perfect. Thanks for that, Orson, head EDSBSer…
November 25th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
80
PortTrojan says:
And here I thought I’d get rickroll’d when I clicked on the “more” link; instead I get the pleasure of Domers taking the bait.
Kleph: Brilliant!
November 25th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
81
SDF Fan says:
Bravo! Well played, sir.
So when do we get the “fake blog post from self-hating ironic SEC fan?”
November 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
82
Mich-Placed Gator says:
@68
If Urban had ANY desire to coach at Notre Lame, he would have taken the offer 4 years ago. ND fired Ty, fulling planning on signing Urban, and once Urban weighed out locations, facilities, and recruits; Florida was hands-down WAY better than South Bend…..and he choose the best place to win National Championships and raise a family. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. His family loves Gainesville, and he will not take his kids out of school there. He’s also been given full college tution for all his kids to attend UF or any other college of their choice as long as he’s head coach at Florida.
Notre Dame was stunned at Urban’s refusal, and made a very, very poor choice. Notre Dame’s glory days are over….LONG GONE….and I’d bet a year’s pay that they’ll not win a National Championship or even sniff one in the next 20 years, hell, maybe EVER.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
83
PW says:
Brian O’Blivion @ 75
…Or we could’ve pretended to buy into what Tommy was saying (Belichick to ND = good idea –> PW @ 10)
November 26th, 2008 at 12:03 am
84
Peter K says:
Is this loser for real?
November 26th, 2008 at 1:20 am
85
Bill says:
Who knew that the Sherminator went to Notre Dame. Its good to see those American Pie kids doing well. Go get your lady Sherminator.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:05 am
86
Lou Holtz's Rapier says:
+100 cocktails to you, Orson. Johnathan Swift would be proud.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:25 am
87
Geori says:
I thought that people on this site “got” sarcasm. Guess they aren’t going to be watching the Ohio vs Miami-Ohio showdown with me and Gladwell this Saturday. Dumb people rule. SiiiiKE!
November 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
88
Domer Guy says:
@ 82:
“He’s also been given full college tution for all his kids to attend UF or any other college of their choice as long as he’s head coach at Florida.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I actually agree with the rest of your post, but that was just crazy.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:32 am
89
swissby says:
From a UF partisan, not a Domer:
http://www.floridatoday.com/article/20081120/COLUMNISTS0306/811200343/1065/SPORTS
November 26th, 2008 at 10:36 am
90
Mich-Placed Gator says:
@88
I assure you, his original contract included that.
The restructured contract, signed in 2007 and goes thru 2012, which is detailed below, changes the wording, but is essentially the same thing.
http://miamiherald.typepad.com/gator_clause/2008/03/meyers-contract.html
November 26th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
91
Mich-Placed Gator says:
Oh Yeah, Domer Guy, I forgot….
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
now STFU until you research the facts….
November 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
92
David says:
I must admit when I first read this I thought ” Is this ND-bag for real? He certainly sounds like others I’ve met.” But seriously, Notre Dame sucks hard and enthusiasticly.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
93
Domer Guy says:
Mich-Placed:
I never doubted that his contract included that clause. My hysterical laughter was directed at your apparent belief that the benefit that you identified would somehow be an incentive not to leave Florida.
C’mon, he is making $3-4 million per year. If, hypothetically, Urban were to leave Florida for ND, he would almost certainly be compensated in the same range (probably more). Urban could name his price and terms. Do you really think $100k/ per year per child would stop him from doing whatever he wanted?
Anyway, like I said above, I agree with the majority of your post, especially the part about Florida being better for him four years ago in terms of winning a NC. However, read the link at post 89. I’m not saying it would happen, but it makes an interesting argument….
November 26th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
94
JohnnyIrish says:
How about El kabong predicting that Tyrone would have a winless season at Washington… I agree with your picks for the new coach. Urban is the man for the job. He is the best coach in the nation and he has ties to the Bend. It takes a lot of balls to be the coach at Notre Dame and only the President gets more scrutinized. Urban has more than enough moxie and ability
November 26th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
95
mgoblue98 says:
My god, this is awesome.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
96
Bob says:
Best comments in this thread? Tie between #49 and #78. Bravo!
November 26th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
97
socalbryan says:
Florida is a “Second tier program”?
I love myopic Notre Dame homers. It makes this video that much funnier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Y7yjxJVlc
Go Trojans! BEAT the Irish!
November 27th, 2008 at 2:27 am
98
Nashvegas Domer says:
It’s cracking me up how many people are leaving comments toward the ND alum that wrote this article. I think that might be funnier than the article itself. Nice work, Orson. Apparently you’ve fooled them, or are ND alums really just that much like a charicature in real life? Either way, priceless.
November 27th, 2008 at 9:46 am
99
Wolverine Brad says:
Come on, *another* one at comment #97? I am in awe of your talent Orson.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:46 pm