MIKE LEACH'S INNER MONOLOGUE, SOMETIME SATURDAY NIGHT

Norman, Oklahoma. Saturday night.

Geronimo knew the odds. Imagine him riding across that dusty plain. What did he eat? Probably things he hunted along the way and plants. Did you know that they ate a 35% meat and 65% vegetable diet? At one point there were more anthropologists living with the Apache than there were Apache. There must have been a lot of bored anthropology professors back at Columbia then.

Call? You want a call? Oh, I dunno, how about Z-Right Go Streaks Ace? Whatever. Try that.

[Pass is batted down on fourth down. Oklahoma goes sixty yards in three plays for a TD like this:]

Well, there you go. Y'all are too geeked up. I've been thinking a lot about colonial Bombay lately. You know they had a thieves union there? The land had to be dredged up from the harbor using these little three-pronged concrete thingies, and that's how they made the city bigger. Terrible problem they have with the Parsi towers of silence. Dropping bits of dead people into the water supply, had to move 'em. It's a fascinating city. Some of the highest real estate prices in the world.

Again? Okay, how about Elf-eighty alpha split middle? See what that does.

[Graham Harrell is sacked, broken in half, and crawls over to Leach trailing his innards.]

Hey, heckuva problem you got there. You look like Bishop in Aliens when he gets cut in half. Looks like lasagna trailing out his torso and everything. Too geeked up. That's your problem. You know the erotic artist H.R. Giger? You should. He's disturbing. And erotic. It's a helluva combination. He's Swiss. You know they can take most of their population underground in event of nuclear war, right? Who wouldn't know that? Pretty handy thing they've got built up there.

[Defense is slaughtered and sold for meat on the open market as "stew meat." Pants are stolen.]

Well, that happens sometimes. Adversity's a funny thing. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear steals your car and your identity, and pretty soon you're the bear, and you get to go around scratching your back on trees and stealing people's cars. Didja know bears feel shame, but not guilt? They're funny that way. Someone help Graham find his legs.