…Christ almighty, you’re serious, aren’t you? How on earth do you exist in the SEC? I went to Tennessee. My parents went to Tennessee. I lived my whole life in Tennessee. I hate Alabama because I’m supposed to hate Alabama. What’re you, new?

Also, anyone who argues that Auburn becoming bowl-eligible at the expense of Alabama’s national title shot wouldn’t be fucking hilarious has no sense of humor, and a black pit where their heart should be.

14 & 15: reaching.

@#14
If I had to classify the the Adages and Cliches Conference, I’d say…

Miami is Buridan’s ass – Miami cannot decide if it should start winning ACC titles or just jump right into national titles, and in return starves to death

Virginia Tech is suffering from Sophie’s choice – they can either choose to play offense with a scrambling dogfighter-in-training or a white cardboard cutout, but the end result is still 2-39 all time against teams in the AP top 8.

Clemson is suffering from classic Zugzwang. It has to pick a coach, but it is an ACC team, so any move it makes is doomed.

Virginia has the dining philosophers problem – someone in UVA has to grab a pink slip and get two stamps of approval to fire Groh, but everyone is clutching their own stamp waiting for someone else to let go of their stamp and nothing gets done.

NC State is busy trying to prove the falsifiability that Tom O’Brien is a bad coach – ignoring the previous work done on the subject

North Carolina and Duke suffers from Segal’s Law – A Tar Heel or Blue Devil with one watch knows what time it is. A Tar Heel or Blue Devil with two watches is counting down until March Madness.

Marylands’s return to the BCS is on the timetable set out by Parkinson’s Law – it will take forever because the Terps have scheduled it to happen “one day, we guess”

Wake Forest and Georgia Tech steadfastly believe the pen is mightier then the sword, and just draw up a bunch of pretty plays and send out guys who are equivalent to the guys I used to shut down in rec league to run them.

Boston College believes there are no atheists in foxholes, and sit around waiting for the day playing an ACC team makes anyone outside the FCS think about praying for help.

Florida State has lost it’s way with Sayre’s Law – it used to pay no mind to the important issue of players not throwing chairs at girls and more mind to the game of football, but somehow got it’s priorities mixed up along the way.

Also as a fun bonus adage – Lou Holtz this year finally proved Godwin’s Rule of Nazi Analogies applies to college football.

… existentialists.

I know, I know — too easy. But, let us examine the details:

- Florida State & Miami as Gregor Samsa from Kafka’s The Metamorphosis: The former bread-winners of the family now transmuted into insects that will, in time, lay down and die.
- Virginia Tech’s parallel lay in Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra: They may be walking the rope towards Ubermensch, tiptoeing towards greatness, but God is still dead and will not be there to catch them if they fall.
- Virginia, UNC, Duke, and Georgia Tech are Yossarian from Heller’s Catch-22: While intelligent, hard-working, and well-meaning, they will eventually be stamped down by bureaucracy that protects Clemson’s Aarfy (yes, Clemson is a rapist in this analogy), oblivious to the world around him and free to act with impugnity, and nearly bombed by the likes of Boston College’s Milo, hopping from the Big East to the ACC because that’s where the dollars were.
- Maryland, because of their kill-the-Gods, spare-the-peasants play of late, gets this gem from Oppenheimer upon the creation of the atomic bomb: “I have become death, destroyer of worlds.”
- Wake Forest is Dostoevsky’s Underground Man: It can succeed if it wishes, but why bother? Life is oppression; it cannot be overcome.
- and lastly, NC State is the figure from Munch’s “The Scream”: Clutching it’s ears in horror at the state of ACC football and its place in it — terrified of what has passed and what is to come.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f4/The_Scream.jpg

Speaking of good, sometimes Wiki is:

“The Brazil nut tree’s yellow flowers contain very sweet nectar and can only be pollinated by an insect strong enough to lift the coiled hood on the flower and with tongues long enough to negotiate the complex coiled flower. The orchids produce a scent that attracts small male long-tongued orchid bees (Euglossa spp), as the male bees need that scent to attract females. The large female long-tongued orchid bee pollinates the Brazil nut tree. Without the orchid, the bees do not mate, and therefore the lack of bees means the fruit does not get pollinated.”

Oh, and – You’re doing it wrong!

“Capuchin monkeys have been reported to open Brazil nuts using a stone as an anvil.”

- ND turned the ball over 5 times to a BC team that scores an average of 26 points, yet w/5 turnovers BC only scored 17 – this means ND’s defense might be good-ish

- navy’s secondary is bad – like way bad – like 109th in pass efficiency d bad – barring another multi-INT outing by jimmy, and if the weather doesn’t hamper that whole “passing” thing, ND’s air game should have some success

also, a quick note on the texass/kansas game – texass has lost their starting center for this game, and since the backup got booted for being a racist (nothing new for texass – see: 1969 team), a true frosh is starting at the most vulnerable position on the o-line – too bad kansas doesn’t field a defense – also, let’s not forget texass’ fondness for coughing up mind-blowing late-season losses on their way to the holiday bowl – go jayhawks?