Notre Dame @ Navy

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Navy possesses what may be my favorite stat line in college football this year: 2nd in the country in rushing, 119th in passing. (Second favorite stat line: Jimmy Clausen’s 13 interceptions.) A Notre Dame defense that has been merely all right against that bitchcake schedule won’t contain Shun White and Eric Kettani both. Not for long, anyway.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Ram Vela is still on the roster, meaning at any point he may fly into a horrified Jimmy Clausen and sack him for a drive-crippling loss. Navy has a winning record. Notre Dame is 1-16 in the Charlie Weis era against teams who have more wins than losses. Gravity pulls down. Girls with hats want attention. Zingers are an underappreciated snack food. A guy coughing repeatedly at a party though he has no apparent head cold is flatulent and covering up for it by theatrical hacking. We do not bet against immutable laws of nature, and a possession-killing offense like the Navy triple option means ND’s best weapon, Clausen and cast of receivers, spend too much time on the bench to get ND a road win.

#11 Ohio State @ Illinois

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. There’s a scene in The Office where Michael Scott comes to an annual meeting and, when asked where his numbers are, calmly presents them shortly after a co-worker goes down in flames when asked for his. Coach [REDACTED] lost to Western Michigan last week. The equation demands that Illinois win this game, because just when you are totally ready to write off the comically incompetent, they do something to support the notion of being merely inconsistent. (He has his numbers, and is happy to give them to you.)

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Breathe regular, America. A two-loss Ohio State is no threat to our precious national title game. Which means you can enjoy them beating the living daylights out of Illinois. (Which they will. Wells, if not healed, is healed enough, and Pryor is going to be truly frightening in seasons to come, but for now, we can watch and point and snicker with impunity.)

Northwestern @ Michigan

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Allow me to summarize this matchup in easily digestible Around-the-Horn-steezy form. Northwestern: gritty, gutty, gutsy, plucky, spirited, spunky, tenacious, moxie, gumption. Michigan: eh. I kinda do wish they were better, so I could make more THREET LEVEL MIDNIGHT JOKES. They are not.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Michigan finishes strong because the universe demands that Rich Rodriguez begin to ascend while Bill Stewart stumbles to a finish. Tyrell Sutton being hurt is the actual impacting-type factor here, but citing mystical astronomical law is more fun that saying “GOOD RUNNER GUY WRIST HURT OWIE LOSE.”

#3 Texas @ Kansas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Todd Reesing’s arm has kept Kansas in most game until late when the defense coughs up one too many scores and puts the offense into Sisyphean territory, heaving point after point of effort up a hill they cannot possibly conquer. We bet on further heroics for our new favorite existential hero, Dr. Reesing, who attends to the plague-stricken Kansas team though he sees no hope or cure because he cannot tolerate the thought of surrender, and that, mon ami, is enough in zees bitter vale of tears. (CAMUS FTW!!!)

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Kansas has lost three of the last four. Here are points allowed by Kansas in those games: 45, 63, 45. Here is what Texas is really, really good at: Scoring points. They’ve racked up 40 or more points five times this season. Their lowest-scoring game? 28 points. Yes, it’s the Big XII, and yes, these numbers are to be expected—but Kansas doesn’t have the firepower to keep pace with this fully operational Longhorn battle station.

#10 Georgia @ Auburn

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Georgia has not fared so hotly against top-caliber SEC talent this season. Auburn is not that sort of team, though; even this snooze-button-abusing Dawg squad should dispatch them with ease. And they could use the tuneup—a suddenly sinister Georgia Tech is lurking in the finale slot. (In all honesty for just a second here—to be clear, we’re all pulling for the red and black this weekend in the name of Auburn getting its sixth win two weeks from now in the Iron Bowl, right? Right.)

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Auburn’s offense may be paralyzed with a neuromuscular disorder, but the right treatment may be a dose of Georgia’s extremely healing defense that is now handing out 38 points a game just because NO ONE WILL BEAT THEIR LOW LOW PRICES. Take the ten points of Auburn suckage off that sum, and you’re talking 28 points. Georgia can score that and will.

#25 South Carolina @ #4 Florida

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: It seems like the perfect trap game. Spurrier returns to the Swamp under cover of night, bringing a South Carolina team with a decent record. (It’s at 3:30, so barely dusk, really.–ed.) [Dramatic license. --ed.2] But this is not the OBC of yesteryear, and more importantly, this is not the Florida team of September. All the juju in the SEC won’t be enough to overcome the hordes of raw talent on the Gator sideline.

Cal @ Oregon State

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL AND BAFFLED: Webs within webs, y’all. Get a bead on either of these teams. I dare you. OSU has found its equilibrium nicely just in time for the balance of their conference schedule…after losing to Utah, a team whose relative worth we still cannot decipher. Cal trails by a game in conference play, hung in there in that weird USC game, but lost to Mike Stoops, which violates our Mike Stoops Loses Football Games EDSBS Law Of The Universe. I mean, the Beavers will win. I’m not saying they won’t. But I can’t shake the feeling that both these teams are just fucking with us.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. We bet on a Jeff Tedford team at the risk of giving up our footing and surrendering the fight in order to get a killing blow on a prediction. That is how one ends up in the icy lake. Oregon State and Jacquizz eke this out in what will be a low-scoring scrum of a game.

#16 UNC @ Maryland

ORSON, CHANNELING PASCAL. It is incomprehensible that the ACC should exist, and it is incomprehensible that it should not exist; such is the probabilistic agony of the ACC as the roulette wheel turns and more random moments terrify your overwhelmed and faithless mind. Maryland should lose this game. They will win. If the silence of these infinite spaces terrifies you, well…they should.

HOLLY, SCREAMINGLY IRRATIONAL DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME: Maryland will beat UNC so badly Tennessee will lose interest in acquiring Butch Davis as a head coach. They will do this because of all the nice things I have said about turtles this week. Don’t argue. This makes just as much sense as anything else Maryland has done all season.

Boston College @ #19 Florida State

HOLLY, SIMPLISTIC BUT RATIONAL: The ‘Noles have a run game now! Neat! BC is allowing the fewest rushing yards in the conference. Oooooooh! Yeah, it won’t matter. Florida State only loses to good-ish teams this year.

ORSON, CONTRARY TO CURRENT EVENTS. Boston College will play a Florida State team currently wincing from the public embarrassment of an on-campus brawl. You forget: schools in Florida who have people get arrested are called “good college football teams.” Florida State by default ACC score of 21-17.

#6 USC @ Stanford

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Watch Stanford blitz. It’s like watching us eat a bowl full of mixed nuts. Some people nibble at mixed nuts. We don’t; we hover over them using our hand as a scoop and devour until fine, expensive tropical oils begin to seep through our flesh. Exception: Brazil nuts. Fuck Brazil nuts. They taste like dirt and require a hammer to open. Stanford’s just like that, but with blitzes. Stanford covers with pressure, but still loses to a far superior USC team.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: You could argue USC will know better than to let Stanford pull another upset stunt. But you could have said the same thing when the Trojans traveled to Corvallis. That defense, though…it’s first in the country for a reason. And that reason….is NUMBERS. YEAH. UP TOP, BRAH. [/rickreilly'd]