EDSBS: THE MAGAZINE!
by Orson on Nov 13, 2008 11:44 AM EST
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PrintCOMING SOON!!! What better time than a recession to launch that most golden of enterprises, THE SPORTS PARODY MAGAZINE. With literally DOZENS of subscribers, imagine the fun we'll have. It'll be bigger than Taint Magazine! (Click for full size.)
Features will include:
--A weekly column on the foibles of college football by celebrated football expert CTHULU THE UNSPEAKABLE
--Incisive reporting! As in includes actual stabbings!
--Free gift lunchmeat mailed inside each and every issue.
--Lou Holtz's Crothword Thscramble
--Stunning Nude Pictorials of some of college football journalism's most striking journalists.
--Beauty tips from back-page skincare guru Rick Neuheisel
--SUBSCRIBE NOW OR YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE IF YOU DO NOT FORWARD TO 10 FRIENDS IMMEDIATELY.
--Back page columnist Rick Reilly! No really, it's just Rick Reilly's column, copied word for word, and pasted onto the back page. Your dad may love it!
EDSBS the Magazine! Contains only trace amounts of toxic heavy metals. Operators are standing by!
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So that nude pictorial page would be what? Just a blank month after month?
by Harris on Nov 13, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions
Cheesecake Centerfold?
by Excuse me Stewardess, but I speak jive on Nov 13, 2008 11:49 AM EST reply actions
your ideas intrigue me and i wish to subscribe to your newsletter
by okiedomer on Nov 13, 2008 11:49 AM EST reply actions
You can start with Holly.
Sorry, obligatory.
by Bobby Decatur on Nov 13, 2008 11:50 AM EST reply actions
Brian Orakpo is most certainly a member of the High Holy Chosen Guard of the Blood God. Other members of They Who Are His In Bloodiness include Rickey Jean-Francois, Chris Long, Vernon Gholston, and insert-2006-Florida-DE-here.
I’ve been screaming “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” over on WLA for two weeks now that the UM-OSU game draws nigh, btw. You can only be in the presence of such plebes for so long before the righteous bloodlust comes over oyu.
by poguemahone on Nov 13, 2008 12:00 PM EST reply actions
Just as long as the centerfold is not Larry.
Will there be pictures of Coach’s pointing?
by Kerwin4two on Nov 13, 2008 12:00 PM EST reply actions
both Holtz pieces are incredible in plausibility. I could buy a young pre-doctorate Lou killing a revered Socialist figurehead with a sharp object. And I can easily imagine Dr. Lou trying to fill in the Times crossword on a Sunday morning, but can figure out why none of his words fit.
by bj on Nov 13, 2008 12:05 PM EST reply actions
You’re telling me I can collect on my mom’s will just by not subscribing?
Tempting… but I also want some of that Carl Buddig formed turkey… maybe I’ll forward onto 6 friends and let the chips fall where they may.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Nov 13, 2008 12:07 PM EST reply actions
Dr Lou never axed Trotsky. It was Rasputin.
by yoyofutbawl on Nov 13, 2008 12:07 PM EST reply actions
I like it. Buck this trend of magazines ditching their traditional circulation in favor of online media, and just go the other direction.
by Vol on Nov 13, 2008 12:09 PM EST reply actions
Bobby, if you’re going to make LOL WE HAZ A GIRL ARP jokes, at least make a half-assed effort at funny.
by Holly on Nov 13, 2008 12:11 PM EST reply actions
Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
by Etch Westgrin on Nov 13, 2008 12:12 PM EST reply actions
College football with Warhammer references. Didn’t think it was possible.
by Bones Crosby on Nov 13, 2008 12:19 PM EST reply actions
Good God. It was tongue in cheek. Sort of like the mag mock up. You know, in that same spirit and what not.
by Bobby Decatur on Nov 13, 2008 12:23 PM EST reply actions
I almost read that Holtz feature as “Crotchword.” God help us if Lou ever is responsible for a Sudoku.
by Signal to Noise on Nov 13, 2008 12:32 PM EST reply actions
Define “Most striking journalists.”
On second thought, don’t.
by Counter Trap on Nov 13, 2008 12:32 PM EST reply actions
I noticed this interesting headline from the BBC – Bone marrow ’cures HIV Patient.
I think we all KNOW where that bone marrow came from.
ARP ARP ARP
by Raleigh Urbain on Nov 13, 2008 12:35 PM EST reply actions
We really meant “striking” as in “you will want to hit yourselves, not in a sexy way”, so be sure and surround yourselves with soft objects before perusing.
by Holly on Nov 13, 2008 12:36 PM EST reply actions
Fight the trends of the publishing industry. BE THE SALMON!
by ChasingMizzou on Nov 13, 2008 12:37 PM EST reply actions
Re #12 — Holly, we’re deadly serious here. Well, at least temporary restraining order serious here.
[/half-assed attempt at funny]
by DevilGrad on Nov 13, 2008 12:38 PM EST reply actions
–Stunning Nude Pictorials of some of college football journalism’s most striking journalists.
Holly Rowe? You mean Holly Rowe, right? Please say you mean Holly Rowe…
by WarCardinals on Nov 13, 2008 12:43 PM EST reply actions
You’re walking away from HUNDREDS of dollars here, Swindle. HUNDREDS!
by OhioDawg on Nov 13, 2008 12:44 PM EST reply actions
@22
Your forget where you are. We get Mike Patrick.
by poguemahone on Nov 13, 2008 12:45 PM EST reply actions
@21 See? That was funny. If I’m going to be objectified I want a laugh out of it, dammit. Good show.
by Holly on Nov 13, 2008 12:47 PM EST reply actions
Hey waaaaait a second. You can’t try to hijack the Supreme Court with your friend’s cervix and then get a tad pugnacious when you’re pseudo-objectified….
by Bobby Decatur on Nov 13, 2008 12:51 PM EST reply actions
Can I opt for an EDSBS That Dog phone instead of the lunchmeat?
by NativeSon on Nov 13, 2008 12:51 PM EST reply actions
ok, ok, ok… I’ll subscribe,
but to hell with you if you think I’m signing up for EDSBSInsider.
by CincySooner on Nov 13, 2008 12:53 PM EST reply actions
As long as there’s a “Supplying the Butt” feature and LOLCOACHES every issue, sign me up.
by Brian O'Blivion on Nov 13, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions
Will it come with a football phone? I hear that’s a great promotional item.
by sevenDs on Nov 13, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions
#27, The ring is probably something like “Hey there, boy, answer my damn phone already!” And if it’s lunchmeat, it better be grade B bologna.
by jakldawg on Nov 13, 2008 1:12 PM EST reply actions
Won’t work. …and you may end up fired.
Sincerely,
D.Manchione,
College Station, Tx.
by Ltrain on Nov 13, 2008 1:13 PM EST reply actions
Just to be clear. Holly, are you willing to remove your orange and white checkerboard bra for the commentariat? If you are, then sign me up for a lifetime subscription.
by Crabapple Buck on Nov 13, 2008 1:13 PM EST reply actions
Guys, Holly is probably still drinking away painful memories of a loss to Wyoming. On homecoming.
Spare her the “I’m-twice-your-age-and-getting-my-internets-mack-on” routine for once.
by poguemahone on Nov 13, 2008 1:20 PM EST reply actions
This has absolutely nothing to do with the tense and delicately veiled sexism current already running through these comments, but…
But when it comes to the weight loss ads, why do we get NAKED guy and FULLY CLOTHED girl?
by devin on Nov 13, 2008 1:24 PM EST reply actions
How much do I have to pony up to make this happen, O? The thought of Pam Ward…mmmm….positively narcoleptic
by Der Schatten on Nov 13, 2008 1:36 PM EST reply actions
If you started this magazine, you would have to purchase a football grotto, and that would be sweet. You could even have a coast-to-coast chain of “EDSBS Players’ Clubs.” So many possibilities.
by Brian on Nov 13, 2008 1:40 PM EST reply actions
I’m really confused as to why we don’t have a grotto already. We could use it as a giant cooler.
by Holly on Nov 13, 2008 1:43 PM EST reply actions
If I pay now for 12 breathingly amazing issues, do I get my choice of EDBS jorts or EDBS coozie?
by bevo on Nov 13, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions
Hooded sweatshirt
Hooded sweatshirt
C’mon baby hooded sweatshirt!
by PeayHog on Nov 13, 2008 2:15 PM EST reply actions
Holly @ 39 – because if you use the grotto as a cooler you have to have a special waiver from the Health Department for visits from tOSU fans. And there’s always the risk of finding Matt Leinart reliving the glory days with 5 barely-legal groupies somewhere in the back. Really, it’s not worth the trouble.
by DC Trojan on Nov 13, 2008 2:18 PM EST reply actions
I, for one, cannot wait for the Buzz Bissinger profile of Jon Tenuta, “Eyes Eyes Hit Them On The Rise”. Surely this is in the works…
by Flatlander on Nov 13, 2008 2:34 PM EST reply actions
How about Mark Mangino as the first centerfold? Just sayin…
by Touchdown74 on Nov 13, 2008 3:01 PM EST reply actions
#45, a centerfold featuring the heavies of the college football world. Or the daily caloric intake of a lineman. So where do we send money to make this happen?
by Anonymous IV on Nov 13, 2008 3:16 PM EST reply actions
As a proud post-victory exhibitionist, I volunteer to be the first centerf . . . wait, where’d everybody go?
As for Taint magazine, nothing they ever did was as incisive or down-and-dirty as this special report from “The Daily Show” —
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=114553&title=level-of-taint
by Doug on Nov 13, 2008 3:28 PM EST reply actions
@ 44
Hilarious. +1 Okiedomer.
What scared me about the inclusion of ‘stunning nude pictorials of striking journalists’ is I took that as Orson talking about himself, not good looking women. The baby devil outfit he superimposed his face on freaks me out enough.
by tzubear on Nov 13, 2008 3:59 PM EST reply actions
I’m still laughing about bevo’s EDBS edition.
Ebonics issue?
by hlh on Nov 13, 2008 4:00 PM EST reply actions
OhioDawg-
HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS! That’s that chart-topping man UNKNOWN HINSON kinda BIG $$$$$$.
by yoyofutbawl on Nov 13, 2008 4:37 PM EST reply actions
What about an Erin Andrews Scratch’N’Sniff centerfold?
by www.southbendblarney.com on Nov 13, 2008 10:12 PM EST reply actions
Mangino + Friedgen = BBM (Big Beautiful Men)
by swampchomp on Nov 13, 2008 10:23 PM EST reply actions
Although I’m sure the articles would be great and all, if history is any indicator of the future I’d probably just let the three-page centerfold flap open every time and never actually get around to reading.
by crawtater on Nov 13, 2008 10:50 PM EST reply actions
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