Mike Patrick shares his thoughts in his semi-regular feature, Mike Patrick’s Cabinet of Wonders.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Thanksgiving! The Patrick household is gonna be stocked with all the Thanksgiving fixings: turkey, dressing, and Mom’s favorite, Darvocet.

Do mongoose kill snakes, or do they just put them to sleep and take them home to be friends?

You know what football team no one’s thinking about in the SEC? South Carolina. They’re pretty good! You know what else you’re not thinking enough about? Plague.

Sometimes in life your really do get six in one hand and half a dozen in the other. When someone says this, I usually think: I’m not really good at math, and I go back to sharpening my fillet knife. In the dark.

Thanksgiving also means Todd comes over to eat! I just feed him and feed him! Someday it’ll happen! SOMEDAY IF GOD LOVES ME IT WILL HAPPEN!!!

Good fortune is really just preparation times talent. And black powder is 100 parts saltpeter, 18 parts charcoal, and 16 parts sulfur. Both are explosive in their own right!

What is Britney doing with her life?

It’s not cheating unless you get caught, and it’s not arson if you use a non-traceable accelerant easily confused with a household cleaner that could plausibly be called an accident.

Little Debbie’s lost a step. Has she created anything as revolutionary as her initial work with the Oatmeal Creme Pie or Swiss Cake Roll lately? She taught us how to unwrap a smile; I believe she can do it again. Who’s with me, America?

You know, everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present, and yesterday was Tuesday, which is what I call “Suffocating a meter maid in a dumpster with a plastic bag-day.” Again.

I cancelled my subscription to the New Yorker. A magazine where you can’t lift the print up with Silly Putty is no friend of mine, amigo!

I believe education builds the bridge to the future, and that our children need to cross that bridge, and that when they do it would be really, really cool if this happened again, because LOOK AT THAT GO. Also, I despise children.

Did you know bees don’t like fire? I haven’t found an animal that likes the stuff yet! But I’ll keep looking. Oh, yes, I will.