ULTERIOR MOTIVES: HIRE JON GRUDEN!
by Orson on Nov 11, 2008 10:44 AM EST
Email
Print
Who needs Mike Leach? He likes scoring points, and you know what happens when you score more than fifty points? You go gay, and if we can say anything confidently about the state of Tennessee, it's that it hates all things gay. (With the notable exception of Kenny Chesney.)
You know who is totally ungay in every way? JON GRUDEN. He's so ungay he burned down Disneyworld after the Super Bowl, sparing the Country Bear Jamboree because "Mechanical bears aren't gay." (We checked: dancing bears, gay; mechanical jug bears, merely "campy.") He's so manly he makes faces on the sidelines and has bravely sacrificed his fair skin in the name of coaching in the sun while wearing only a visor! GRRR MELANOMA!!! He looks like he's shitting out whole barnacles in midgame! You know it's intensity because it looks like intensity.
He's a great deal financially, since he's only making $4 mil a year in Tampa, an easy buyout by almost anyone's standards.* He also has head coaching experience, which isn't necessary, especially if you're Notre Dame, but it helps. There's a lot of ways to think about him: like Bill Callahan, but even more burnt-out while running the same indecipherable offense, or like a sober Johnny Majors without the ties to the university and ten times as expensive, or even like Phil Fulmer, but minus 100 pounds of body mass and plus hundreds of adorable freckles!
Given the successful track record of professional coaches at the college level, we therefore heartily endorse extremely un-gay, teeth-gritting, and highly affordable Jon Gruden for the Tennessee job. It's a slam-dunk! He'll stay forever!
This advice comes objectively from EDSBS.com and includes no ulterior motives. None at all.
*Only Alabama, really. But look where he's got them! And unlike Saban, Gruden doesn't have a track record in college, hasn't ever really shown the inclination to coach at the college level, and doesn't have a national title at the college level. It's a lock!
24 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Those creepy eyes are becoming a weekly standard, beelzebub. Perhaps you could make this week’s shtick the mustachioed Crimson Tide supporter having his heart to heart on youtube.
by Geori on Nov 11, 2008 10:56 AM EST reply actions
Whoever Hamilton hires we are going to FUCK YOU GUYS UP next year because the guy is going to be so awesome that awesome will be running out of his ears! HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha….ha!
fuck
by etsuVol on Nov 11, 2008 11:08 AM EST reply actions
Wow. That devil picture of you has ungayed me. And Anne Geddes has given up the still image all together after that.
At least there’s the “How I lost 46 pounds in 3 months” banner to re-gay me at the bottom of the story.
Question, though: Will Chucky on 3 months of the Knoxville High-fructose corn syrup diet be succesful, entertaining, sad or any of the combination of the 3? Honestly, no combinations of those adjectives would surprise me.
by dogtown gator on Nov 11, 2008 11:13 AM EST reply actions
Gruden? Nonsense. Lane Kiffin? No way, Jose. Don’t settle for lame Oakland Raider retreads. Give UT whom they deserve. The original item.
Al Davis.
by yoyofutbawl on Nov 11, 2008 11:16 AM EST reply actions
Reports out of Athens say that the mere thought of Mike Leach at Tennessee has caused UGA Defensive (sic) Coordinator Willie Martinez to commit seppuku.
by Raleigh Urbain on Nov 11, 2008 11:22 AM EST reply actions
Franchione – no buyout, SEC experience, it would distract us Bammers from our glorious season, and he’s undefeated in Neyland.
by BamaCPA on Nov 11, 2008 11:32 AM EST reply actions
gruden does have ties to UT. he was a grad assistant.
by hrn on Nov 11, 2008 11:32 AM EST reply actions
Doug’s right, Chan the Man would be a good hire on Rocky Top. He’s already moderately pudgy, his offense will never be confused with the spread, and he might even bring Reggie Ball in to coach quarterbacks.
But you know who would be a really solid hire? Greg. Robinson. Maybe he would retain Dave Clawson . . .
by MaconDawg on Nov 11, 2008 11:37 AM EST reply actions
I can’t believe that EDSBS hasn’t taken up the “Hire Lane Kiffin” mantle. According to ESPN’s Chris Low, Kiffin is the surest, shortest route to bring back Ed “Buy a’ Humma’” Orgeron to the SEC. That alone would ensure another couple of years of grade A premium material for Orson.
by CrimsonCommodore on Nov 11, 2008 11:42 AM EST reply actions
Since the day he agreed to leave Richmond, I have questioned why Clawson would want to leave Richmond for Tennessee. Why step into that snakepit when he could have remained the HC at Richmond for another year or two and take a job like UVa when Groh had enough, they had enough him, etc.
Also, would rather live in Richmond or Knoxville? No comparison
by Coop on Nov 11, 2008 11:43 AM EST reply actions
Gruden doesn’t want to leave apparently, and UT is after Butch Davis. So hush it.
by Vol on Nov 11, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions
gruden should bring Raymond James Stadium’s pirate ship and put it outside Neyland. That way the Vol Navy can have some real firepower
by bj on Nov 11, 2008 12:07 PM EST reply actions
Is anyone – besides me – worried that Charlie Strong may leave the Gators and end up as head coach somewhere? I mean – it would be great for him and all…but…
by hobeg8r on Nov 11, 2008 12:12 PM EST reply actions
Devil Baby Orson is making my brain bleed, for the love of Damian please make it stop…
by Just another Michigan Man on Nov 11, 2008 12:21 PM EST reply actions
@ # 12, CrimsonCommodore
Are you calling Orson a “System Blogger?”
by Brian on Nov 11, 2008 12:33 PM EST reply actions
@ 17 – We have established why this will not happen.
The only types of jobs Strong has been interested in recent years are the types of jobs he will not get, in that he interviews terribly.
So, to recap: as long as Strong is only interested in BCS jobs, he will remain a highly paid coordinator at Florida.
If you think the above is because of another issue, I would advise you to watch Strong’s interviews as interim head coach before the 2004 Peach Bowl.
by Coop on Nov 11, 2008 12:34 PM EST reply actions
Butch Davis is coming to UT. Just pay him enough. He’s probably holding out for a 4 or 5 million dollar offer.
by Geori on Nov 11, 2008 12:35 PM EST reply actions
Why hire Jon Gruden when you could hire Mike Sherman?
The man must have the second highest buyout in college football for a reason.
/commits seppukku by jumping into polar bear tank wearing sardine-lined tuxedo.
by Gene ParmesAg on Nov 11, 2008 12:36 PM EST reply actions
It’s a done deal !!!!!! Jon Gruden will be the next U T Head Football Coach , he’s just waiting till after Phil Fulmer Day to anounce it. Look at his comments he’s made . He’s about to bust now!!!!!!!
by james on Nov 12, 2008 12:35 PM EST reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
