FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: TCU AT UTAH
by Orson on Nov 6, 2008 2:23 PM EST
23 comments
Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of TCU at Utah. A gift from the gods dropped into your lap in the midst of the football week, the matchup between the Horned Frogs and the Utes keeps the winner alive in the token BCS Rogue Bastard slot and sends the loser streaking back to smoking obscurity the second or third spot in the outstandingly competitive Mountain West. who as we like to remind you owns the Pac-10 this year lock, stock, and barrel.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. 9 to 0, or the ratio of touchdowns to interceptions thrown by TCU qb Andy Dalton since his return from a knee injury three games ago. Like many a defensively minded coach, Gary Patterson goes run first and stays run first unless he has to, but passing-wise TCU has been as efficient and effective as a good cooler working a rowdy roadside bar.
Dalton prepares the way champions do: covered in canola oil.
They'll also line up Jeremy Kerley in the shotgun and have him do the Tebow Smash, something that was very effective against BYU in the 32-7 rout of the Cougars.
BYU defenders looked like cavalrymen riding into the teeth of a sputtering Gatling Gun against the look, so expect at least a hint of that tonight against the Utes.
The Nebulous State of Dubious Statistical Validity for Utah: 13, the number of points the Utes scored against New Mexico. Offenses have shitty days, and they don't get much more shitty-ish than getting dinged by New Mexico's defense. Utah will eclipse this number, but they do tend to spurt out points in bunches and then go dead for stretches of the game.
Advantage: Utah. Their offense won't be stuffed two games in a row.
Utah, You've been factor'd!
Category Two: Mascot:
You can take your chances with a punk buzzard of some sort, or you can trust the most abbed-up and ripped mascot on the planet, SuperFrog.
He made you a painting. It's violent and sexual.
Advantage: TCU
TCU, you've been factor'd!
Category Three: Aura. While they still lost to Oklahoma, TCU managed to hold the Sooners to 35 points, their lowest total on the season and testament to the top-to-bottom quality of their zone-blitz-heavy defensive scheme. Yes, we just complimented TCU for "only giving up 35" to the Sooners. Check the balance sheet: in a long list of razed cities, they held out against the Golden Horde longest.
Utah's marquee win thus far came against a Michigan team apparently suffering from a teamwide outbreak of Guillain-Barre syndrome, as they've degenerated and slowly lost function over the course of the season, but will come back soon enough.
Advantage: TCU.
TCU, You've Been Factor'd!
Category Four: Names. Utah spits fire here: Boo Andersen, Zane Beadles, Colt Sampson...just a superb bag of monikers all around. Yet we cannot award them the point so long as this man breathes on their sideline and wears the colors of Texas Christian University:
Starting out your kid as a member of the Peerage? Simply brilliant. He is but waiting for a woman to come woo him, for she may have title in exchange for a yearly allowance of five hundred pounds paid directly to the Demarco Bledsoe estate. The only player in college football whose injury report might read "Out 1-2 weeks, Fox Hunting." Well, besides the esteemed LaRod Stephens-Howling of Pitt, of course.
Advantage: TCU
TCU, You've been factor'd!
Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? TCU lost 27-20 last year--ooh, fresh revenge points! However, TCU has also lost four out of its last five with Utah, meaning revenge, while overdue on balance, hasn't been on the menu often.
Utah, you've been factor'd!
EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, TCU You've Been Factor'd! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM, especially when we're writing about the Moutnain West.
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Gary Patterson used to fuck guys like Andy Dalton in prison.
by beerbaron on Nov 6, 2008 2:32 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Does Utah do the whole “hole through a sheet” thing like BYU?
by Shane on Nov 6, 2008 2:33 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Expected cooaching scouts in the stands from just about damned near everywhere. Except Syracuse, which continues to evade the medication/electroshock/face reality orderlies.
Possible Mormon sorcery side story: If you stare at the pic of Super Frog long enough, he begins to resemble Lavell Edwards. Make of that what you wish, Utites.
by Counter Trap on Nov 6, 2008 2:33 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I hope the TCU players are ready for the cold …
We had 10 inches of snow yesterday. It will be below freezing on the field tonight. Not exactly Green Bay in January, but still.
by Utah_gator on Nov 6, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
wait…so sir demarco bledsoe of piedmont is from oklahoma and my Sooners didn’t recruit him?
that’s it. i want stoops fired, like, yesterday
by okiedomer on Nov 6, 2008 2:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I believe you have the mascot pick wrong. I’d take Swoop the red-tailed hawk over the Sleastacks any day. Even if he does rock out to a fight song that resembles the Mickey Mouse cheer.
“What if calls my momma a whore?”
Dalton: “Is she?”
by Raider Red on Nov 6, 2008 2:54 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Don’t fuck with a streak. Home dogs on Thursday nights are a great pick. Go Utes with the +1.5!
by Seth on Nov 6, 2008 2:54 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Not sure if anyone reported this or not yet, but…
by ClwFlGator on Nov 6, 2008 3:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Weather could play a factor in this game. I like the Utes!
by Football Fanatics on Nov 6, 2008 3:11 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I sometimes miss references here, so I double checked Moutnain.
by Crazy Joe on Nov 6, 2008 3:13 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Is it normal to have sweaty palms after your first Guillain-Barre syndrome joke?
by Ted on Nov 6, 2008 3:20 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
The Story of Johnny Appleseed was based on Patterson, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men. That’s true, you can look it up. Also, while Utah is a much better team than BYU, the “blackout” will fail them and they haven’t seen anything slightly resembling Jerry Frogzilla Hughes.
by Sir Wesley Willis on Nov 6, 2008 3:35 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
No points for the “FrogHorn”? I’m shocked. That thing is finer than a frog’s hair split four ways.
Also, how long until some unsuspecting freshman wideout goes plowing into that thing! There will be more than one broken bone fo’ sho’!
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Nov 6, 2008 3:52 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Oops… let me try that again, I just noticed the link wasn’t working:
by ClwFlGator on Nov 6, 2008 4:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Incomplete List of Reasons why Roadhouse is awesome:
1. Use of monster truck in film
2. Lead villain wears an ascot and a fedora.
2a. Lead villain’s name is Brad Wesley.
3. Pain don’t hurt.
4. Philosophy majors are awesome.
5. Gratuitous nudity.
6. Apparently you can kill the town asshole and as long as nobody sees it, you’re clean.
by beerbaron on Nov 6, 2008 5:05 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I hate TCU with the very core of my being. Normally, I would be fervently rooting for Utah to deliver a humiliating whooping on uppity TCU. But here’s the catch, if Utah goes undefeated (especially with style points) then it could go to a BCS game and TCU gets a cut of that money and respectability, which is also unacceptable.
No matter, if the upside of an impressive undefeated Utah is TCU wimpering home with its lizard tail between its legs, then I’m willing to take that chance and will just pray for BYU to pull its head out and win on 11/22.
by diamondm on Nov 6, 2008 5:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
@19
It takes a serious dedication to your hatred to root for the team you hate so that they might not receive the secondary benefits that result from their loss.
by ClemsonHorn on Nov 6, 2008 5:35 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I have to believe that diamondm is Pat Sullivan.
by HeadThief on Nov 6, 2008 6:58 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Sorry 21, but TCU may be BCS bound if they finish with one loss.
by Steve on Nov 6, 2008 9:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
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