OMG CATMATT IS PSYCHIC!!!

To deflate the mystical, we all knew Ron Prince was going to be fired…er…asked to resign. We just didn’t know that day would be today.

To honor him, let’s share our favorite Ron Prince moments together in quiet reverie: (more…)

Friends, tonight we have made history. We have finally elected someone who believes in the things we all hold dear: periodic drunkenness, esoteric and vulgarian taste in just about anything, the importance of caffeine as our nation’s lifeblood, the value of a fine mustache, hot ass, and lastly, the almighty importance of football as our nation’s grand cultural feedin’ trough.

Therefore, with the long campaign behind us, let us set forth building some foundations for those castles in the sky. We promise in the remainder of the season to fulfill all of the following promises.

–We vow to replace the CGI stadium behind Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit in the booth on ABC Saturday night games with this:

–To continue to piss Penn State fans off by pointing out their weak schedule and lack of a title game, something they cannot help but so sad for you, this is life.

–To find a new college football icon/goddess to absorb the glare of the eyes of slobbering manhood on Erin Andrews. You cannot all stalk the same gawky, charming blonde, and we will work tirelessly to comb the communications programs of this nation to find a suitable person to spread the wealth of your scary, possibly felonious attentions.

–We also vow to speed up filming of a Pacific Life commercial where krill-eating whales attack and swallow a sea-kayaker whole. We’re tired of just watching them swan about idly. Get to work doing what wild animals should be doing, which is eating or being eaten in beautiful HD for us to watch on the Discovery Channel

–Mandate at least one onside kick per game. Take it whenever you like, but you must kick one, because it always feels like your team is breaking the law when it happens. It’s like going watching someone blast through a toll booth at high speed every time.

–We also promise to deliver on our campaign promise to deregulate the trade barriers to the Bowl System, opening up international venues like the Port-au-Prince Burning Tire Bowl sponsored by Michelin, the Vladimir Putin’s Huge Bulging Pecs Bowl sponsored by Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin, and the Manila Micro-briefcase Bowl Sponsored by Tebow Expandable Micro Briefcases.

(Remember: it isn’t made from real foreskins, it won’t expand to three times its normal size when you rub it, and it most definitely isn’t a Tebow Expandable Micro-briefcase without the Tebow seal of approval!)

–Finally, in conclusion we promise to deliver on the promise to defend Georgia from outside aggression no matter the costs, since the only people who can run roughshod by 39 points and get away with it are the Florida Gators.

God bless you all, and God Bless the United States of America. In conclusion: Get money, get paid.

…the magnificence of Pedialyte. Hangover suggestions taken, utilized, and kicking like a mule in a good way.

The St. Pete Times has a list of the top ten toughest jobs in college football and hits many of the gimmes–Alabama, Auburn, and any other school fond of training snipers on their coaches from day one and waiting with the finger poised just over the trigger–but we must disagree with at least one.

Ask Rich Rodriguez how tough this job is. This is a program that chased off Lloyd Carr, who never lost more than five games in a season, won at least 10 games six times and won or shared five Big Ten titles, not to mention he ran a clean program.

Michigan fans are many things: neurotic, doublethinking, fretful, brooding…but “chased off” doesn’t exactly capture what happened to Lloyd Carr, no? Or account for the the luxurious red carpet and rich Corinthian leather given to Rich Rodriguez, who got a new weight room at the drop of a hat? They seem cooperative and patient enough….unless you’re thinking like a Michigan fan…and that this could be just what they want Rich Rodriguez to think…just before pulling the lever to the hidden office trap door….

Millions of dollar a year and everything you want is OBVIOUSLY A TRAP.

Okay, reader input solicited. Hangover is in FULL effect. We’re going to list our immediate hangover solutions, because we have one, and need to get over it in order to stop staring blankly at the computer screen. Our usual repertoire:

1. Coffee. Kind of like Tussin, in that we apply it to every problem we’ve ever had physically. Just rub it deep into the bone there. Get it all the way in.

2. Crying. Just heave forward, think of puppies being thrown into a wood chipper or something, and cry. It helps, even if it reduces your dignity hit points to zero on the day. Considering that your brain is literally dehydrated from consuming a poisonous substance, they’re pretty low to begin with, no?

3. A beer. Just one, or maybe in extreme circumstances. This is for the most dire, world-destroying of hangovers only.

4. Running until vomiting. Since we’re a bit pukey anyway, this works like a charm, but getting up the gumption to do it is the hard part. An old Army hangover trick learned from a sub five foot woman who can field-strip an M-16 can’t be wrong.

5. Chik-Fil-A. Like coffee, may be applied liberally to any serious problem or moment in your life.

Please leave your own suggestions below. We’ll try anything at this point.

MS Paint strikes again!Your mustache of the day belongs to: Barack Obama.

Master Paint-er: Oops Pow of BHGP.

You know what happens if you drink a lot of vodka YOUR HEAD IT HURT OW OW OW OW. Playing hurt today people. Working coffee and hitting toes with hammer to stay awake. It’s working for the moment.