FAT BOYZ IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT
Tennessee Football Offices. 11:30 a.m., November 4th, 2008.
Fulmer: Well, that does it. I’m off Atkins for the next month.
He takes a donut from green and white box. A solitary tear runs down his cheek.
PF: I just…what am I gonna do with the rest of my life?
[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]…
Marky M: YeaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Phil Fulmer: Couldn’t you have taken the door?
Marky M: FAT BOYZ BOUT TO PUREE THIS SHIT LIKE A STEAK SMOOTHIE, LAWYA! STAY STROOOONNG AND DROP…THAT….BEEEEEAAAAAAAT!!!!
What!
What!
What!
What!
BREAK YO’ SELF FOOL it’s the Velvet Fog
Pissin’ on them chump haterz like a crazy dog
Like the hustlaz in the streets who be makin’ it snow
Phil Fulmer, Marky M, yo we makin’ the show
Drop them tightass pants and them Atkins fools
My belly’s not a gut, it’s a shed for my tool
Get the forklift out and you get it quick
Cause lo-carb bitches gots to suck this dick
And if they wanna get the meat you gotta move some pounds
Marky M and fat boys straight keepin’ it round
You can fire Fat Boyz either righty or lefty
But we keep our buffets and buyouts hefty
T. Stutz, tell them lawyaz what it’s bout.
Tom Amstutz: REEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXX!!!! I’m fat, and I’m resigning, too.
T-Stutz:
Big pants
Big dance
Big rangs
Big chance
To let these bitches know Fat Boyz don’t stay down
Might tip us over
Might wreck the Rover
Might put us in a diabetic coma
With a cherry turnover
But one thing you gotta know
They way we makin’ this dough
We literally make dough
No, seriously. I was paid in cookie dough.
BACK TO THAAAA TRAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marky M:
Fat Boyz in the building tonight
Turn the AC on, cause we melting this ice
You don’t even gotta bring your jacket out
Cause we keepin’ it hot like it’s the dirty souf
Fat Phil sittin on his desk with hands
On his face cause he just got tha boot from the man
So sad that he paid for gettin’ the can
So sad that he got a problem with his wackass glands
It’s ain’t the hand you got,
It’s the playa,
And if we talking games
You can call me the mayor
McCheese, if you please
And you down on you knees
Sucka MCs blowin’
like a tropical breeze
Fat Boy, keep them chins high
Eyes to the sky
Every playa gotta bleed
For them bacon pies
Every player gotta live
three lifes fore he die
Every player gotta sample
That he dyin’ to try–WHAT!!!
[outro]
And for Marky M…
That sample is cherry almond bark from Trader Joe’s!
THAT SHIT IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!
Keep it greasy, Phil. Pimp a pimp for life.
BRING IT BY THE POUND AND THEY CAN’T BRING YOU DOWN!!!
Yeest Roll Produktions, I see you…
WE OUT
[/outro]
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1
Harris says:
Thank your for tuning in to KTLA News at 10. I’m Slap Beefchest.
In our top story, a young blond woman with fabulous hair is in custody tonight. Police arrested her this afternoon as she staggered down the 405 wearing only one shoe and a heavily soiled Tennessee Volunteers football jersey. Jack Tungsten has more.
Thanks, Slap. LAPD has identified this woman, Holly Anderson, as the woman seen in this video. As you can see, she is clearly in a state of drunken euphoria as she throws bottles of something she later called “corn likker” and flashes her bare behind at passing vehicles.
Her words are slurred and she speaks in a thick Southern accent, Slap, but I believe she is screaming, “Death to the Fat Man” and “Fulmer can suck my dick.” We’re not sure what she’s referring to here.
Police have sedated the young woman, saying she kept trying to kiss every black officer and saying, “You look like Eric Berry. Give mama some sugar.” Police have not been able to identify this “Eric Berry,” though we assume he works in some capacity with the Securities and Exchange Commission because she kept chanting, “SEC, SEC.”
Anderson has not yet been charged, but police expect to charge her with drunk and disorderly, public nudity, misdemeanor vandalism and threatening a federal official.
Reporting live from police headquarters, I’m Jack Tungsten. Back to you, Slap.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
2
Holly says:
Bitch, I haven’t been blonde since high school.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
3
Anonymous IV says:
The Burger King ad at the end makes it more tasty.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
4
Larry Langolier says:
Severance package: Bacon double cheeseburger,curly fries, and a large strawberry milkshake?
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
5
Sean Glennon's Jersey says:
Orson,
You are a true vulgarian, aren’t you.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
6
Cochese says:
“Drop them tightass pants and them Atkins fools
My belly’s not a gut, it’s a shed for my tool
Get the forklift out and you get it quick
Cause lo-carb bitches gots to suck this dick”
Ill-harious. And it passed like 5 minutes of this never-ending day before this election that has made my productivity level drop like Fat Boyz’ new album–which is when? ‘Cause I’m already in line.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
7
Sean Glennon's Jersey says:
Could someone with more skillz than myself please turn Mark Mangino into Baron Harkonnen, 1984 Dune style?
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
8
jrbirdman says:
Bacon pies??? Man, I’ve led a sheltered life. It does explain a lot though.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
9
TJ says:
It’s ain’t the hand you got,
It’s the playa,
And if we talking games
You can call me the mayor
McCheese, if you please
And you down on you knees
Sucka MCs blowin’
like a tropical breeze
Straight unfiltered genius. I’m a little disappointed that Baby Mangino didn’t come in for the chorus. Next time, perhaps.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
10
weagle251 says:
Is there supposed to be a Beach Boys cameo in there somewhere?
/old and white-bread
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
11
Orson Swindle says:
MARKY M DON’T PLAY, FOOOOOOOOOOOLZ!!!!
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
12
Orson Swindle says:
You are a true vulgarian, aren’t you.
Claro que si!
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
13
Harris says:
So suggesting that you would stumble drunk and half naked down a major highway, screaming at people to suck your dick and trying to make out with a dozen or so cops isn’t a problem so long as I get your hair color right? . . . Okay, I can see that. What are going with then? Honey brown? Executioner’s black? Volunteer orange?
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
14
WhiteSpeedReceiver says:
Thank you, sir. You make being freshly unemployed much more enjoyable.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
15
DC Trojan says:
@ Harris – it’s possible that the hair color was such a slap that Holly didn’t get to the rest of the mooted activities. Me, I’d have thought that shoes were an all-or-nothing proposition, but what would I know…
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
16
Vol says:
At least we can see the light at the end of the tunnel with regard to this “Clawfense” nonsense. I bet Randy Sanders is laughing his ass off.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
17
Crabapple Buck says:
I’m usually in the can’t spell crap without rap in it camp. But I believe between Orson, Holly and LSUFreek, the creative genius in our midst is a national treasure. I am humbled by your gifts to the football blogging world.
I’m voting for the Hall-Anderson ticket tomorrow as long as LSUFreek is in your cabinet.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
18
hailstate says:
I guess Sylvester Croom is now the Dean of Fat SEC Coaches. Hopefully, not for very much longer.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
19
dudis41 says:
Fat Boy, keep them chins high
Eyes to the sky
Every playa gotta bleed
For them bacon pies
Fucking. Brilliant.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
20
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
Damn that flow goes just right with Eazy-E’s “My Name is Eazy”
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
21
The Holy Grail says:
But… what will come of the Fulmer Cup?
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
22
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
The Other Fat “Ef” Dept:
Memo to ND’s Mother Superior: Please do not FIRE your fat man just yet. I want to enjoy another USC beat-down of the Dome-aniacs with Weis’ on the sidelines going nuts with spittle and snot grossing everyone out.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:38 pm
23
Bamaleg says:
Hopefully, I will be forgiven for a complete inability to generate a sympathetic thought reqarding fillup’s impending departure. I only hope that we, along with Georgia and Florida, played some small part in the decision to accelerate his retirement. By the way, I would also like to place my name in the hat to replace foolmer and in doing so, assure the tennessee power base that when it comes time to fire me (say January of ‘09), I will go peacefully in consideration of a mere $2,000,000 buy out.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
24
gosouthgohard says:
Did you have this prewritten, like the New York Times and obituaries for famous people?
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
25
Rawk says:
Fulmer was supposed to blow up as a rapper this season after bringing in producer M.C. Clawfense to remix his beats, but instead his game was as predictable as his previous albums, “Bitches be Krisping for my Kreme” and “K-F-See Deez Nuts”. The lone highpoint of his latest album was the opening track, “Pimping is Winning” featuring Rick Neuheisel aka “Dick Nu-bile”
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
26
Football Fanatics says:
I’m sure Tennessee fans were rejoicing in the streets when news broke this morning.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
27
hlh says:
The Harris/Holly fight had legs. It made me overcome “The Debacle.” I need more therapy.
Holly?
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
28
crawtater says:
As of this writing, the google ad below this post reads: “I hate my belly fat: Read how I lost 47 pounds in 3 months with no diet!” Has our perception of the once dominant chieftain of orange degenerated so much that even AdSense has no problems finding an ease of association between Fulmer-generated banter and…lard?
Yes. Yes it has.
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:34 pm
29
roaminggator says:
One by one, the villians of my childhood are leaving….First the Midget (Terry Bowden), now the doughboy…..soon…..Papa Bowden.
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:36 pm