EDSBS NAKED SUSHI BUFFET PICKS: WEEK TEN
by Orson on Oct 31, 2008 2:30 PM EDT
Email
Print
Wisconsin @ #21 Michigan State
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: It would be intellectual dishonesty to say that these are anything but two perfectly average teams playing perfectly average football: numbers do not lie in either case. Wisconsin in particular has little to say about suddenly changing a game in either direction; they don't pick off passes, they don't change games with special teams, and they can be dick-deficient in the passing game. Michigan State is at home, and therefore will likely win in a game reminding you of everything bad about Big Ten Football (to wit: ACC football, but colder.)
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: My streak of picking coaches for their perfectly trapezoid-shaped heads ends with you, Bieleieleielma. Spartans.
Michigan @ Purdue
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Purdue is one big snowball of suck rolling downhill without their starter Curtis Painter, who is likely out with a separated shoulder. Michigan has been demonstrably awful by both the standards of casual assessment and Brian Cook-bot obsession, but they are not Purdue-bad. Close, but not quite there. Diabeetus 10, Brundlefly Michigan larvae-team 17.
HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL IN THE FACE OF BLINDING HATRED: Purdue is so, so bad. This is science. So bad I can't even pick them over Michigan, which is a team losing lots and lots of games and which produced He Who Must Not Be Named, But Who Is Very Fat And Has No Super Bowl Ring. Wolverines, grudgingly.
West Fuckin' Virginia @ #25 Connecticut
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: The run doth not trouble the 3-3-5; passing does, and UConn hath not the potential to handle this. Also, our very own favorite football term ever--"gold frontz" speed--comes in reference to Noel Devine, and the term itself emergeth from our preferred Fat White Guy, who writes:
Saying WVU's defense is unique is like saying superman was "gifted." The 3-3-5 is like a mid-season migraine for all offensive coordinators: seven previous weeks of Lombardi-esque basics and all of a sudden someone is rocking the boat.
Unpredictable micro machine migraines FTW.
HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Not that Connecticut can pass even against non-mutant defenses. WFV FTW, but if this late-season display of competence saves Bill Stewart's job I'ma have some very strong and stabby words for the higher-ups in Morgantown.
Miami @ Virginia
ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. We've picked against Virginia three games in a row, and yet the Meh-mperor sits with his Cavaliers atop the ACC Coastal division. Having awakened to this fact is a sure sign Groh-mentum ends here, and UVA Cavs RB Cedric Peerman suffers a down game, and that it all goes pear-shaped if we bet on UVA. Therefore, Canes and Robert Marve, the qb with more "he's improving! Really!" stories tacked to him, will prevail even if Marve doesn't play, since Lieutenant Winslow don't lie, motherfucker: Jacory Harris is the balls.
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL BUT NOT WRONG: In which we place our trust, however misguided, in a fledgling but fanged Miami squad over giving Al Groh the opportunity to break our hearts.
Kansas State @ Kansas
ORSON, SEMI-RATIONAL. K-State is bad. They lose football games. LALALALA Todd Reesing rules. Also, this:
If you want more rational than that, you're in denial. Kansas wins for the baby Mangino.
HOLLY, COMPLETELY HORRIFIED AND STRUCK DUMB BY THE ABOVE PHOTO. Kansas. God. Just scroll down so I don't have to look at DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING.
Auburn @ Ole Miss
ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Ole Miss, because GIGGITY BOTUNKUS BARFLACUS!!!
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Ole Miss, because this Auburn skid is the college football equivalent of googling "backyard wrestling accident" and giggling for four hours at bones and bits of shattered picnic tables poking through skin. (What?)
#15 Florida State @ Georgia Tech
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. A vintage Florida State defense meets a struggling GT offense incapable of topping 24 points. The skies darken over downtown Atlanta; a car crash is heard; a mascot in Chuck Taylors is blown out at home by a vastly improved Seminoles team. Did you know that 1 out of 6 Tech graduates are allegedly millionaires? And will be fans of a losing football team this Saturday, because this is year one of the flexbone and no one's still exactly sure how to manipulate the apparatus to maximum effect yet?
HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: "Fifteenth-ranked Florida State." Say that without shuddering. No, try it. That sensation? That's your skin trying to crawl off your body and skitter away in the wake of the wheel of fortune spinning 'Noleward once more. FSU, rising. Miami, rising. Nebraska, in no way rising LOLZ. It's unnatural as it is unavoidable.
Tennessee @ South Carolina
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. South Carolina. With the scrap parts he's working with at South Carolina, Spurrier the White is 1-2 against his former rent-a-whore, Fulmer. Tennessee scored points and a dominant victory against Mississippi State, the football equivalent of the odd can of tuna found in the desert consumed just days before getting even more lost and then dying in the arid wastes. Gamecocks trump them anyway because they can actually score points.
HOLLY, TALK RADIO RATIONAL. I swear to you, the Music City Bowl will piss off Knoxville more than sitting home in January. If we even rate the Music City Bowl. Oh, god. Still: Whatever. We got this.
#1 Texas @ #7 Texas Tech
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Texas. If Colt McCoy has a bad day, he only completes 70 percent of his passes. This is still seventy percent of his passes. Also, Mike Leach has only beaten Texas twice in his tenure there, Brian Orakpo is the most menacing pass rusher the Red Raiders have faced, and the clock rules now favor Texas--slowing budding a running game now--in a clock situation.
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL WITH VISUAL AIDS:
Pictured: Mike Leach, bringing guns to a cannon fight. Longhorns roll.
#5 Florida vs #8 Georgia
HOLLY, RATIONAL AND SCARED:
Florida, unreservedly. Oh, they're fast. Oh, they are so fast and I don't know where they found their real football team but I'm just glad it's not us. I have advance survivor's guilt and it's not even my team rolling into Jacksonville to die. So. Fast.
ORSON: COMPLETELY BONKERS AND IRRATIONAL.
Ka Mate! Ka Mate!
Ka Ora! Ka Ora!
Tenei te ta ngata puhuru huru
Nana nei i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra
A upane ka upane!
A upane kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!!
Life is good. Life is good. Death is good. Death is good. Come win or loss, we're past the point of rationality on this game. The frenzy revives. The violence sustains. The marrow sings with the sound of twenty-two bodies firing at full force at once. Get your war paint on. It's time to dance.
Into the sun that shines, into the sun that shines. Go. Gators.
40 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Is that that haka stuff? O, you are really getting desperate. That shit don’t work.
/drinking chicken blood, putting roots under porches and stabbing blue dolls with hatpins.
by hlh on Oct 31, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
Holly,
These are the “higher ups” you speak of in Morgantown. What exactly are you going to say to them?
http://wbgv.wordpress.com/2008/05/08/fast-eddie-gets-deposed/
http://mountainlair.blogspot.com/2008/07/fire-mike-parsons-ok.html
by Johnny on Oct 31, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
hlh: We’re contracting with Laveau, Bombay, and Halliwell for the voodoo end of the service spectrum this weekend.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 31, 2008 2:48 PM EDT reply actions
Johnny, my initial plan involves shaking them until all the hours of my life they’ve wasted fall out, but I’ll get back to you.
by Holly on Oct 31, 2008 2:51 PM EDT reply actions
Wow, I haven’t heard a haka since the Sugar Bowl. That one didn’t scare me either.
Don’t drink too much and go peeing in parking garage stairwells. You are in Jacksonville.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Oct 31, 2008 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
No Cal-Oregon pick? It was the game of the year last year (before Cal imploded). Remember the froced fumble at the goaline for a touchback to preserve the victory in the final seconds?!?!?!?! College Game Day was there????
I understand though, neither team is in the Top 25 and who gives a shit about west coast football anyways right?
by oaklandbear on Oct 31, 2008 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
All the hours of your life they’ve wasted? What, you didn’t find Erin Andrews’s bewildered “Nobody down here seems to have any idea what’s going on” sideline report in Boulder car-crash entertaining?
by Doug on Oct 31, 2008 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
ARP-flu infests Clarke County schools:
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3674820
by softbatch on Oct 31, 2008 3:07 PM EDT reply actions
Think of this WFV season as watching a ninety-car pileup. The first fifty or so are entertaining, but then you just get queasy.
by Holly on Oct 31, 2008 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
Mike Leach has only beat Texas once, in Lubbock in 2002. However, Mack Brown has lost to Tech twice, 2002 and in Lubbock his first year, 1998.
by Tony Barnhart on Oct 31, 2008 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
My grandfather graduated from UF exactly 50 years before I did, and managed to fully pass on his hatred of Georgia. This was initially a challenge, because my highschool – college years fell during the time period when we were regularly beating UGA like a Thai hooker, and I mainly felt pity for them.
A conversation held during the “Half a Hundred between the Hedges” in ’95 will serve as an illustration:
Me: “We’re really stomping the hell out of Georgia again today, huh Grandpa?”
Him: “Yeah, this is nice, but I wish they’d lay it on a little more. Georgia once beat us 75-0, and I can’t go to my grave knowing some Georgia S.O.B. has one point over me.”
Me: “….When did that happen?”
Him: “1942.”
I didn’t understand that level of hatred at the time—how you could hold a grudge over a football game for over half a century—but I understand it now. I want a breaking of limbs, a rendering of souls for everyone who ran off that bench last year and danced.
“To crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women…”
by Pinto on Oct 31, 2008 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
UConn is beating West Virginia this week. You do NOT come to East Hartford, Connecticut and come away with a victory. 11 pregame Rick Astley dances, 11 straight wins at the Rent for UConn.
For the zero people that care…Im going as Coach Edsall for a big Halloween party tonight. My plan is to annoy the fuck out of people with coachspeak and by constantly yelling playcalls into a headset I bought. Best Halloween Costume Ever.
by Edsall is God on Oct 31, 2008 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
@6
What, dawgs can dance but UF can’t? And it’s not meant to scare, just serve notice. Kind of a warning siren, if you will. Then again, once you hear the siren, it’s usually too late.
So. fast.
by NativeSon on Oct 31, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions
Edsall:
I thought that plan was your average Tuesday, not anything special for Halloween.
by Albino Tornado on Oct 31, 2008 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
I’m forward to a UGA murder-fest of the chainsaw variety.
by The Rainey-Demps Quantum Theory on Oct 31, 2008 4:04 PM EDT reply actions
verbs > me… there is a “looking” somewhere in my post…
by The Rainey-Demps Quantum Theory on Oct 31, 2008 4:16 PM EDT reply actions
Really, Native, dancing is soooo 2007.
Jorts. Arp. And such.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Oct 31, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
Man, I really hope the UF players are wrapped as tight about The Celebration as most of their fans seem to be.
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 31, 2008 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
Sean,
My optimistic theory is that they will be, to the point of pressing and committing stupid penalties.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 31, 2008 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, I thought you were just saying “White Devil White Devil.”
My mistake.
by Tater Salad on Oct 31, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions
The Michigan offense is like “go-kart” your uncle made that was just a washing machine motor strapped between two bicycle frames.
But Purdue is the refrigerator box full of old sink parts that the slow kid down the street is playing with.
by ChasingMizzou on Oct 31, 2008 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
Biggus,
I think pressing and stupid penalties are a given for both sides. Flag throwing arms will be exhausted by late 3rd….
by Pinto on Oct 31, 2008 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
UConn, even if they lose, can still improve in their performance against WVU just by not giving up NINE TOUCHDOWNS this year…
by Beckett929 on Oct 31, 2008 5:06 PM EDT reply actions
Where I can put $100 on “EiG is going home alone tonight?”
by Walt on Oct 31, 2008 5:12 PM EDT reply actions
What?!!? You’re calling the Badgers average?? Uh, thanks. It’s nice to be promoted.
by MinneBadger on Oct 31, 2008 5:21 PM EDT reply actions
What about USC versus the monster 47 point spread?
The spread has a better defense than what Willingham’s ever put out on the field in Washington.
by Jeff from LA on Oct 31, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions
Why is Lee Corso not in the EDSBS RAW naked sushi buffet picture?
by Mad Professor on Oct 31, 2008 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
I object to the description of Big Ten football as “ACC football, but colder”. Big Ten football is low-scoring (sometimes) because we actually play defense. ACC football is low-scoring because the offenses are pure suck. (Okay, to be fair, that describes Michigan and Purdue this year too. But it’s damn near everyone in the ACC.)
by SpartanDan on Oct 31, 2008 7:03 PM EDT reply actions
Mad Prof:
Who do you think is wearing the sushi?
by the croominator on Oct 31, 2008 9:40 PM EDT reply actions
SpartanDan: But we have warmth! And Mountains! And…Oceans. And… and things like NOT SNOW and stuff.
Yeah. Top…that, flatlanders.
by Digital Headbutt on Oct 31, 2008 10:07 PM EDT reply actions
If LSU play to their real capabilities, LSU 62, Tulane 0. It’s happened three times in this series already, and the Tigers need a good warmup before Armageddon Saturday next week in BTR vs. ’Bama.
by Studley on Nov 1, 2008 10:16 AM EDT reply actions
As CBS patiently waits on Meyer for the post game interview, the VICTORIOUS Dawgs lay waste to the surround countryside taking any and all unspoken for wimmins and libations to throw the biggest celebration ever witnessed in JAX.
When the flushed face of Urban finally emerges, all he can say is DAMN.
Amen.
by Dr. Death on Nov 1, 2008 11:55 AM EDT reply actions
As CBS patiently waits on Meyer for the post game interview, the VICTORIOUS Dawgs lay waste to the surround countryside taking any and all unspoken for wimmins and libations to throw the biggest celebration ever witnessed in JAX.
When the flushed face of Urban finally emerges, all he can say is DAMN.
Amen.<——
Reckon you got that one wrong, hoss. GO GATORS. 49-10.
DANCE TO THAT BITCHES!
by Wolf on Nov 5, 2008 3:55 AM EST reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
