Dig for oil with them heels. The Quad goes facefirst into the Cocktail Party Trough, first introducing you to wonders of Luke and Skip, oft-cited by Dan Mullen and Tim Tebow in meetings.

You know it’s HAUNTINGLY FUNNY because they use Creed to open it. Also: Dan Mullen and Tim Tebow watch a lot, a lot, a lot of film. GORY HORRIBLE FILMS (like the Ole Miss tape, for example.)

Penzance: NOT FRIGHTENING. Andy Staples wonders out loud what the retaliation would be in Jacksonville for Florida; we recommend making a FRIEND OF HORROR YOU MUST MAKE A FRIEND OF HORROR. Hopefully it will all involve rubber intestines, fake blood, and Beefcake the Mighty on bass.

A tale of horror so intense it had to happen in Cincinnati. South Florida fades again down the stretch; if you watched this game, it was apparent what they were walking into, and like gullible characters always do, they made every mistake: stubbornly pounding the run for no gain on first down, splitting up when staying together would have meant survival, allowing big plays and running into the woods when they could have made a stand in the house.

(Mardy Gilyard’s hug of the kid he barreled over in the stands did earn him some serious trim, though. Women love it when you don’t run screaming from children, much less hug them when they’re crying. We mean: “did earn him some SPOOOOKY trim.”)

Treason! Such ghoulish treason. Doug commits Dawg treason by revealing that he’s not really a zombie, he’s just lurching along like Sean from Sean of the Dead to blend in and avoid being devoured. Please also see his skin-crawling horrifying preview of the Cocktail Party.

We find your playcalling PETRIFYING(ly boring) Jim Tressel deals with an uncharacteristically pugnacious Buckeye press corps following SUFFOCATING boredom in a CURSED performance against a RE-ANIMATED Penn State team:

Though he pointed out that most offensive “gurus” he had heard of were selling insurance or doing commentary, his remarks on potential personnel changes or turning over the playcalling were encouraging if you count yourself in the 98% of all Buckeye fans wondering WTF is up with the offense:

Perhaps he’ll go with the wishBONE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!