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TIPS FOR COCKTAIL PARTY TRAVEL: PART ONE.

If you are planning to travel to the World's Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy, here are a few important tips for the intrepid traveler looking to get to Jacksonville and maximize their fan experience.

How to Get There: You may fly into Jacksonville International Airport, a lovely airport by any standards. For the seasoned traveler, this should give you great pause on the way in, since there is an inverse relationship between the likeability of an city's airport and the city itself (New York/Any surrounding airport, Paris/CDG, LA/LAX, or London/Heathrow.)

You may also drive, as I-95 and I-10 both run through the River City, but don't feel limited by roads. To experience Jacksonville properly, drive wherever you like and at any speed. For all intents and purposes, the entire county and city (one and the same by zoning) constitute one uniform space for public traffic. Any and all buildings are considered part of the roadway, and therefore must yield to oncoming traffic.

Feel free to meet the denizens of Duval county the up close and personal way: by driving into their living rooms. You'll be simultaneously improving the landscape and architecture of the city and making new friends all at the same time just like the locals do.

This is perfectly legal, and will stand up in any court in the land!*

This message brought to you by EDSBS, who doesn't understand what or why Jacksonville is, and never has.

*Not vetted by any lawyer or legal authority.

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Comments

Display:

ohmygodohmygodohmygodwhycantsaturdaygethereanyfaster?

by Jmuthaf'nT on Oct 30, 2008 1:48 PM EDT reply actions  

Zurich, Barcelona and Madrid airports really aren’t THAT bad.

by marcillac on Oct 30, 2008 1:58 PM EDT reply actions  

Oh when will those Duke boys ever learn!??

by Schnelly-Ade on Oct 30, 2008 2:00 PM EDT reply actions  

I spent a week in Jacksonville one night.

/I also once shot a man there, just to watch him die. But that’s a story for another day.

by GamecockTony on Oct 30, 2008 2:03 PM EDT reply actions  

Duval isn’t understood by anyone. It is not meant to be understood, only marveled at.

Enjoy the fine eating establishments (Waffle House), culturally and racially diverse clubs (Free Bird!), politically active residents (Kill the terrorist!), and skull-crackings free of charge (anywhere west of the beaches.)

It’s one of those places that isn’t worth a visit, save the Coke Orgy, but you take some pride in growing up there.

Don’t mind the stray bullets, one-legged whores, roads without signs, and industrial complexes that stretch to the horizon. Enjoy your stay in the nine-oh-four.

by JL on Oct 30, 2008 2:11 PM EDT reply actions  

Contracts up in 2010, right?

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Oct 30, 2008 2:19 PM EDT reply actions  

Best comment on Jacksonville was by Tony Kornheiser when he heard they were going to host the Super Bowl.

“What! Was Tuscaloosa booked?”

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 30, 2008 2:20 PM EDT reply actions  

The only international flight I ever missed was when being hassled in the Madrid airport. Two Guardia Civil packing machine guns kept even the surliest traveler in line.

by OhioDawg on Oct 30, 2008 2:23 PM EDT reply actions  

Listening to EDSBS Live right now. This is what I’ve surmised:

GEORGIA IS THE WORST FUCKING SHIT STAIN ON THE UNDERPANTS OF AMERICA!!!! GEORGIA FANS!!!! ARGH!!!!!!

But Atlanta is freaking awesome, Savannah is a great booze town, and Athens is far and away the greatest college town in the history of mankind, and all three are slap-full of Georgia fans.

The dichotomy of your life knows no bounds.

by Silver Britches on Oct 30, 2008 2:27 PM EDT reply actions  

We’re perpetually in a bind, Silver Britches.

by Orson Swindle on Oct 30, 2008 2:31 PM EDT reply actions  

You don’t need road signs in Jax if you follow your nose. Go two miles past the egg smell, till you smell sewage, take that bridge till you smell soggy cereal hang a left and go until you smell microwaved ground beef sandwiches. If you smell ammonia you went too far.

 This weekend though, the sandwich smell will be replaced with Southern Comfort.

I can’t knock the Landing, because Atlanta’s got the Underground, which is it’s equal in the “Some taffy, two Sunglass Haven*, and a magnet store ought to draw them in” school of downtown renovation.

When Sunglass Hut gets too classy for your your world famous gathering place, you’ve got a problem.

But you can Eat in Jacksonville. Paradise Alley is perfectly capable of making the best burger in the world. Or at least they were- spent a decade there ’tween 97 and ’00. It might take them 2 hours, and it might not be what you ordered, but it will be damn fine with english pub cheese smothered on i Also, order from their selection of over 500 stale import beers!

You used to be able to get good sushi there at Yoshi’s, too, but after they closed I survived on Paradise Alley and Pint Sized triple vodka tonics at Carrabbas.

Who am I kidding, It was the time of my life. Brand New 2 bedroom townhome 100 yards from the ocean for $540 a month?! I moved the living room furniture into the patio and patio to the beach, and drank port from dixie cups all weekend while looking down on all the other pathetic souls who called that place home.

Ah the memories.

by WhiskeySean on Oct 30, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions  

Orson – by “bind” you mean, “Drank-fueled stupor”, right?

by GamecockTony on Oct 30, 2008 2:35 PM EDT reply actions  

You may also enjoy any number of water sports on our beautiful river. Be on the look out for the maneating algae though. It is a clever predator and lightning fast…for plants, anyway.

by Biggus Rickus on Oct 30, 2008 2:38 PM EDT reply actions  

Definitely looking forward to an awesome time in Jacksonville. The college kids will be out in full force at the Landing tomorrow night. It’s a shame they charge $20 now to get in.

by Football Fanatics on Oct 30, 2008 2:39 PM EDT reply actions  

the last of the V-8 interceptors, it is not.

by kleph on Oct 30, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions  

What?!!
$20 to get “into” the Landing? That cannot be correct. Serios?

by OmarBradley on Oct 30, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions  

@ 16.OmarBradley -

Unfortunately, yes.

by ClwFlGator on Oct 30, 2008 4:58 PM EDT reply actions  

Has the road construction at the at the southbound turn of 95 just north of downtown been in flux since around ’93?

by Jake Barnes on Oct 30, 2008 5:36 PM EDT reply actions  

That video had my redneck sense tingling.

BONUS: My wife thinks that’s a place near where she grew up.

by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 30, 2008 5:41 PM EDT reply actions  

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