HATE WEEK: MAKING FUN OF MARK RICHT IS EASY

We sat down for an interview with Mark Richt. Or maybe we didn't. Anyway, there's little point in doing it for the purposes of a hit piece, because he's a terrible target, as the following script suggests, unlike targeting many of the fatuous ignoramuses who root for Georgia, which is like shooting a cow stuffed into a barrel.

Orson: Thanks for joining me, Coach Richt. Not that I'm happy about it.

Mark Richt: No problem. I'm happy either way. Excuse me, I have to put away these photos of my trip visiting troops in Afghanistan this offseason. Such inspiring bravery and commitment, you know?

Orson: No problem. First, Coach Richt: what's it like to suck so much?

Mark Richt: That's funny, Orson. I'm actually 79-20 as a head coach, have two SEC titles, and was a successful coordinator at Florida State. I don't know if suck is the right word.

Orson: Ha! There you go again with...um...numbers.

But enough about your "record." What about your support of domestic terrorism in the form of offering a scholarship to a player named MOHAMMED, huh?

Mark Richt: If you mean Mo Massaquoi, he's a fine young man, and not a survivor of the horrors of the Liberian civil war. He is, however, the child of Liberian parents. I'm tolerant of all faiths, as is our program.

Orson: Whatever, Coachsama. What about your profoundly annoying religious faith you tout in recruiting and shove down people's throats at any and all opportunities, huh?

Mark Richt: I think you're talking about Tommy Bowden.

Orson: No I am! Yes I'm not! Anyway, it's not like you're not all like, "So I walk it like I talk it."

Mark Richt: We did adopt two Ukrainian orphans, and consider ourselves blessed to have them.

Orson: Whatever. Like you're adopting the difficult ones. I bet these were the ones with third kidneys to sell on the black market WOOO BURRN GO GATORS!

Mark Richt: Actually, one of them has Proteus Syndrome and an indomitable spirit. I'll provide a helpful film if you like:

Orson: More "details and facts." You use the film because you graduate none of your players, and thus have to use slideshows and simple pictographs to communicate with them.

Richt: That was a problem, but I would point out that we're working on that, and I acknowledge that it's a problem. Our 958 APR score is the highest among SEC schools, however. I would like to just point that out.

Orson: Whatever! I SCORE ON A DEEP PASS TO THE BACK OF THE NO-SPINDZONE! GIVE THE MAN SIX!!! Go cry in the arms of your trophy wife, sucka!

Richt: I'm married to the same woman I've always been with, a well-liked cancer survivor who works on the sidelines giving the players Gatorade, and is kind of hot even to a jaded, soulless blogger like you.

Orson: LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUUUUU!!!!! [/chugs entire bottle of sweet-tea flavored vodka, runs out of interview.]

Richt: I forgive you.

Really, he's like a PR ninja. You throw knives at him and he disappears in a cloud of smoke.

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