HATE WEEK: MAKING FUN OF MARK RICHT IS EASY
by Orson on Oct 28, 2008 12:44 PM EDT
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PrintWe sat down for an interview with Mark Richt. Or maybe we didn't. Anyway, there's little point in doing it for the purposes of a hit piece, because he's a terrible target, as the following script suggests, unlike targeting many of the fatuous ignoramuses who root for Georgia, which is like shooting a cow stuffed into a barrel.
Orson: Thanks for joining me, Coach Richt. Not that I'm happy about it.
Mark Richt: No problem. I'm happy either way. Excuse me, I have to put away these photos of my trip visiting troops in Afghanistan this offseason. Such inspiring bravery and commitment, you know?
Orson: No problem. First, Coach Richt: what's it like to suck so much?
Mark Richt: That's funny, Orson. I'm actually 79-20 as a head coach, have two SEC titles, and was a successful coordinator at Florida State. I don't know if suck is the right word.
Orson: Ha! There you go again with...um...numbers.
But enough about your "record." What about your support of domestic terrorism in the form of offering a scholarship to a player named MOHAMMED, huh?
Mark Richt: If you mean Mo Massaquoi, he's a fine young man, and not a survivor of the horrors of the Liberian civil war. He is, however, the child of Liberian parents. I'm tolerant of all faiths, as is our program.
Orson: Whatever, Coachsama. What about your profoundly annoying religious faith you tout in recruiting and shove down people's throats at any and all opportunities, huh?
Mark Richt: I think you're talking about Tommy Bowden.
Orson: No I am! Yes I'm not! Anyway, it's not like you're not all like, "So I walk it like I talk it."
Mark Richt: We did adopt two Ukrainian orphans, and consider ourselves blessed to have them.
Orson: Whatever. Like you're adopting the difficult ones. I bet these were the ones with third kidneys to sell on the black market WOOO BURRN GO GATORS!
Mark Richt: Actually, one of them has Proteus Syndrome and an indomitable spirit. I'll provide a helpful film if you like:
Orson: More "details and facts." You use the film because you graduate none of your players, and thus have to use slideshows and simple pictographs to communicate with them.
Richt: That was a problem, but I would point out that we're working on that, and I acknowledge that it's a problem. Our 958 APR score is the highest among SEC schools, however. I would like to just point that out.
Orson: Whatever! I SCORE ON A DEEP PASS TO THE BACK OF THE NO-SPINDZONE! GIVE THE MAN SIX!!! Go cry in the arms of your trophy wife, sucka!
Richt: I'm married to the same woman I've always been with, a well-liked cancer survivor who works on the sidelines giving the players Gatorade, and is kind of hot even to a jaded, soulless blogger like you.
Orson: LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUUUUU!!!!! [/chugs entire bottle of sweet-tea flavored vodka, runs out of interview.]
Richt: I forgive you.
Really, he's like a PR ninja. You throw knives at him and he disappears in a cloud of smoke.
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Mo Massaquoi, hes a fine young man, and a survivor of the horrors of the Liberian civil war.
Actually it was Rennie Curran who is a survivor of the Liberian civil war.
OOOOH Buuurrrnnn, YES in the face
by crane on Oct 28, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions
Sweet-tea flavored vodka — now THERE’S a beverage this Southern girl can get behind.
by Other Chris on Oct 28, 2008 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
Thank you Swindle! This place needed a little humor today.
Once you brush up on your computer language, I’m sure you’ll interview the evil cyborg running the Florida program.
Die Florida, Die!
by OhioDawg on Oct 28, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
The student has become… the master!
Gen. Stoopnagle sigh says that Mark Richt learned his ninja ways from the best in St. Bobby.
Dadgumit.
Five DADGUM holding penalties! Go to the locker room and pray about it!
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Oct 28, 2008 12:56 PM EDT reply actions
Firefly Vodka!
This just proves that RFN was a true American hero. On more than one occasion he defeated that domestic terrorist Massaquoi.
by BDoc on Oct 28, 2008 1:00 PM EDT reply actions
It’s Powerade! She serves Powerade!
When can we expect your sitdown with Brandon Spikes regarding nuclear proliferation of nations on the “State Sponsor of Terror” List?
by Silver Britches on Oct 28, 2008 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
Orson: Coach, aren’t you the same man who orchestrated a massive bench-clearing mosh pit at the beginning of last year’s Florida game, making a huge fight a definite possibility and drawing 67 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties?
Richt: Yes, Orson, I did. I intended only for the 11 on the field to celebrate, but the guys really got into it. Turned out it got us to the Sugar Bowl and a #2 ranking.
Orson: How did… but… why does Urban look like the dick in this situation?!?!
Richt: Don’t worry about it, Orson. Football is a game, remember? It’s all about the kids having fun. (/Eyes twinkle)
Orson: (Breaks down, sobs) I love you.
Richt: (pats Orson’s head) I know.
by ronald on Oct 28, 2008 1:12 PM EDT reply actions
Ronald: we’re not talking about that! Consult your talking points, as handed out by Urban earlier this week!
by Orson Swindle on Oct 28, 2008 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
No worries, Orson! Evil Richt will be in full effect on Saturday. You’ll have plenty to wax profane about afterwards.
For real, though, I’m really having trouble getting up for hate week this year. Can somebody get me a two minutes’ hate for Florida? Surely some of you mullet toting, jean shorts losers can come up with something.
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 28, 2008 1:23 PM EDT reply actions
Good stuff. It’s a treat having him head your program. The “celebration” aside (which, although it was a dick move, was obviously effective), he’s a classy guy. It’s nice to see good guys win (even if its 3 out of 18 times…)
by OVN on Oct 28, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
God, after watching that sad story, I feel bad for beating Georgia during the Blackout, since the lil Ukrane kids were dressed up in their lil black unis and Coach Richt had to go home and tell them that Alabama beat them, which probaly made them cry.
So maybe for the Florida game Georgia will go with a more “festive” theme and wear red…call it “REDRUM” or something like that…
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 28, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
10 — Dadgum right it’s Powerade. Any other sportsy-type electrolyte replacement method (All-Sport, Tang, POCARI SWEAT!)will be confiscated by the ghost of John Pemberton.
by brougham on Oct 28, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, I really wanted to know his plans for this years
Wilford Brimley bukakke party.
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 28, 2008 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
MPP and Ronald: +100
Sean Glennon – If you can’t hate Florida, you can’t hate. Consider it a blessing!
by OhioDawg on Oct 28, 2008 2:03 PM EDT reply actions
Us cows in a barrel really appreciate this Orson.
Richt is love.
Come over to our side and he will love you up and coach you up. He may even fill a little of that hole left in your soul from Steve Spurrier. You can go on a mission trip to Costa Rica and feel the joy of helping others.
by NewsDawg32 on Oct 28, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions
Does Georgia really have a higher APR than Vandy?
by dudis41 on Oct 28, 2008 2:08 PM EDT reply actions
Our Messiah can beat up your Cyborg. But enough about the election…
That’s a thing of beauty, what I just did there.
/weeps into elephant-themed kerchief
by Jason on Oct 28, 2008 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
OhioDawg,
No, my hategland is working perfectly. Tennessee fills me with rage every year. I dunno. I think it was the “You gotta love us” statement from Fulmer after Clint Stoerner handed the Vols the SEC that year.
Tennessee does it to me every year. Now Florida? Man, we’re 2-2 the last four seasons, so I just look forward to a good game.
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 28, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
Any chance of Evil Mark Richt making an appearance for Moustache Wednesday?
You know he has one… he’s… well.. EVIL!!!
by CincySooner on Oct 28, 2008 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
Sean Glennon’s jersey,
If there’s not steam coming out of your ears right now just thinking about the Cocktail Party, then I’m sorry, your hate gland is not only working properly, it’s non-existent entirely.
Your reasoning that UT was a monster game since we’re 2-2 in the last four against them is outrageous comparing to how you believe UF is, effectively, just another game, although . Hell, we’re now 6-3 against UT in years starting with the number 2. May I remind you that we’ve won a whopping THREE of the last EIGHTEEN against Florida?
Florida is huge for recruiting. It’s huge for pride. It’s huge for the division crown. It’s huge for walking around in the Landing watching jorted dudes moping around, desperately hoping that their Busch Light will bring them solace and greener pastures.
Get your head in the game. Come on.
by ugacrow on Oct 28, 2008 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
I noticed a certain undercurrent of “redneck” when reading todays post (some admittedly true) when describing some factions in the Bulldog fandom. Just to make certain that the blog is “fair and balanced” I must describe for the gentle reader a scene I witnessed not far from that bastion of etiquette and civility called Gainesville. (some FL fans refer to it as “God’s Counrty”) I was traveling down hwy 301 between Waldo, FL and Starke when I witnessed a group of North Florida sophisticates taking part in what has to be a holdover from those regal days of yore – the “Mudd Bogg”. High above the dapper crowd was hoisted a standard, nobly flapping in the afternoon sunlight. It was the trifecta of tasteful frivolity – A long section of PVC pipe festooned with, in descending order, the Confederate battle flag, a Florida Gators Banner and the emblem of all who have taste and excellent breeding: A white “3” boldly standing out against Ravens Wing Black. Yes my friends, and all of this taking place not three hundred yards from a boutique also frequented by the well heeled of New York and Beverly Hills: the truck stop selling trinkets and understated home decor masterpieces such as the severed Gator head and bouncing Hawaiian Girl, two items surely gracing the coffee tables of West Palm Beach.
by Jake Barnes on Oct 28, 2008 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
Jake—
We would tell you how full of shit you are, but…
We’ve seen that house. It stands today.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 28, 2008 2:54 PM EDT reply actions
(PSSSSST! ugacrow! I’m trying to draw the jort set into a cunning trap with understatement and feigned indifference…..)
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 28, 2008 2:57 PM EDT reply actions
Orson,
Apparently you didn’t notice Richt’s incredibly lame comments before and, worse yet, after getting pounded by Bama. He’s a much easier target than suggested (albeit jokingly) here.
by MSR on Oct 28, 2008 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
It would be more biting if I hadn’t witnessed the same gathering (or it’s kissing cousin to stay with the theme) not thirty minutes west of my beloved Savannah.
by Jake Barnes on Oct 28, 2008 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
As a current resident of SC and a future resident of the ATL, I was proud to see last weekend that the sweet tea vodka had penetrated the ATL. Now I don’t have to continue smuggling the stuff across the border to friends.
by Joe Mama on Oct 28, 2008 3:25 PM EDT reply actions
Even this South Carolina fan has trouble hating Mark Richt. Hating Georgia is easy, but hating Richt is not. Which should make me hate his unhateable self more, but I can’t even manage that.
Sigh.
by cocknfire on Oct 28, 2008 3:25 PM EDT reply actions
Mark,
Please, Please, Please come back to Tallahassee (with sugar on top)!
by Don on Oct 28, 2008 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
Gatorade?!? We don’t have that Pepsi swill Between the Hedges!
by NCT on Oct 28, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
Jake:
If you don’t like the South, boggin’, and/or Dale, feel free not to come back.
As for this week, anything North of Florida is the North. And I reckon you know how we feel ’bout Yankees.
GO GATORS!
by Wolf on Oct 28, 2008 5:44 PM EDT reply actions
Wolf,
I also dislike guns, God, children and old people. Relax, put your z71 in park. Take a joke. I have been “boggin” and would never consider leaving the “Real South” (does it get any more southern than Savannah?) Then again, maybe it was your (mobile) house I passed. I never thought I would get the “if you dont like Dixie…..”
Jake Barnes
by Jake Barnes on Oct 28, 2008 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
I must say that last year i tried vodka and sweet tea and it was one of the most disgusting things i have ever had. ugh. course it didnt help that it was hawkeye vodka, which tastes just like pure ethanol, kinda like everclear without the edge.
by cyclonestate on Oct 28, 2008 6:06 PM EDT reply actions
GT fans can come up with lots of creative terms for St. Richt.
by Techie on Oct 28, 2008 11:35 PM EDT reply actions
UGA doesn’t serve gatorade – Powerade only.
by Wilson Bang Bang on Oct 29, 2008 7:05 AM EDT reply actions
“I must say that last year i tried vodka and sweet tea…”
No, my son, you’re doing it wrong. Not sweet tea and vodka – sweet tea-flavored vodka. Get thee to a liquor store and ask for Firefly.
by Josh M on Oct 29, 2008 7:06 AM EDT reply actions
I think Orson failed to realize the hate runs that deep. Yes sir Mr. Swindle, quite a few Georgia fans are so adament in their Gatorhate that they refuse to drink Gatorade. I concur with this sentiment.
And for 3 reasons,
1) People working for the University of Florida invented a urine-flavored concotion that Quaker Oats made famous, and I’m pretty sure the school still gets royalties. I’m not giving money to that school.
2) Coca-cola makes Powerade, and is a company which supports UGA and employs many of its graduates. I am willing to give money, in a roundabout manner, to UGA.
3) It tastes better.
So in summation, Gatorade is evil and should be stricken from the face of the earth.
by Mr. Egger on Oct 29, 2008 9:45 AM EDT reply actions
as an objective reader. this fark interview is pretty stupid. the attempted humor was a far stretch and pretty childish. i feel like i’m reading the weak musings of a 19 year old college freshman. you can do better.
by joel on Oct 29, 2008 11:18 AM EDT reply actions
So Orson, “Sweet Tea Flavored Vodka”….. I see you’ve been introduced to the FireFly. Or as its been renamed here in its home local of Charleston: ‘Co-ed Crack’. Its some good stuff. Will leave you appreciating tomorrow, though, in the form of a solid headache.
by Charlestowne on Oct 29, 2008 11:51 AM EDT reply actions
So you decided to go with the political attacks against the humanitarian efforts of Coach Richt. Exactly what I would have done. (insert sarcasm).
Couldn’t you at least be creative. Making something up about Coach Richt would at least not be offensive in the most crass way.
To make fun of Coach Meyer’s talking in the third person is nothing like making fun of Coach Richt’s daughter.
Once again you go too far.
by PreacherDawg on Oct 29, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions
It would appear some Georgia fans do not get it… Which, despite not being shocking, makes it even better.
by Will on Oct 29, 2008 8:26 PM EDT reply actions
Great humor as usual. Some of us get it, some don’t. Such is the life of a humorist. Some folks are offended by “hello.”
-Dodd Dimmitt
by Dodd Dimmitt on Oct 29, 2008 10:21 PM EDT reply actions
Orson has once again transcended his schools bias in favor of true humor, one of the many reasons this is a first stop for most college football fans.
btw all the liquor stores keep running out of Firefly
by Bobafet7 on Oct 30, 2008 6:09 AM EDT reply actions
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