With Holly on the road, our pick-off will be less sushi and more suedehead this week with the appearance of special guest pick-off artist and college football aficionado Morrissey.


Hello. I’m sad, but in a semi-ironic way. Let’s talk football.

Texas Tech @ Kansas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL.Texas Tech. Based solely on the notion that Kansas’ attack is too loaded on Todd Reesing, making them the kind of team that thus far battles heroically against larger competition only to fall short by respectable but nevertheless losing margins. Tech in an all-in match with large piles of metaphorical pointschips.

MORRISSEY, MOROSE. Kansas.

Fat man, you put a flower on
To go down to the fair with your girl

The sight of both of you is enough to make a boy cryyyyyyyiiiieee….

[/looks at nails.]

Wake @ Miami

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. What the Patrick Nix offensive system for kids what rite gud needs to succeed is a quarterback who will not only hand off smoothly to a running back, but who will also forget everything “taught” to him, run around, and make shit up. Jacory Harris is just such an amnesiac and athletically gifted death butterfly, and will actually move the ball despite the best designs of his offensive coordinator. Also, Wake is on the skids, and we don’t want to catch a falling knife here.

MORRISSEY, IRRATIONAL. Miami.

There was a boy, a lonely boy
So you took him down to the beach
And when I saw his glistening hide in the sun
I thought only of myself, and I criiiiiiied.

[/looks at nails.]

Kentucky @ Florida


Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, Rich.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Florida, as in all of our Florida picks are irrational, but a quick note of the factual should make us look less homer-ish: Kentucky is busted up something fierce in the injury department, the game is in Gainesville, and Florida may be approaching something like full gear here in week eight. Otherwise it’s all WOOOOHOOOO GIT ‘EM!

MORRISSEY, SARDONIC. Florida, but a cruel and unfair margin.

And now Rich knows how Joan of Arc felt,
Now he knows how Joooan of Aaaarc feeeelt…

[/takes off shirt.]

Duke @ Vandy

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Vandy, but only because they seem further along the winning curve than Duke and more talented down the roster.

MORRISSEY, WITTY. Vandy.

If you need me at the bar, that’s where we are
Celebrating Thatcher’s offspring with our pint hands
Our chubby, chubby little pint haaaaands…

[/despisesyoufornotbeingvegetarian.]

OK State @ Texas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Colt McCoy’s accuracy FTW. Period. If we have nothing else to hang a victory on here, it’s increasingly malicious defense played by the Longhorns and the telepathic lock he’s got with his receivers. Oklahoma State won’t be able to rush the ball and slow the game down, and against Oklahoma and Mizzou this meant a Texas win.

Morrissey, LUSTILY. Oh, sly wan Colt McCoy…

A boy in the bush
Is worth two in the hand
I think i can help you get through your exams
Oh, you handsome devil

[/doesn't not not sleep with men/women.]

Georgia @ LSU

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. Georgia, because we’ve been betting on Matthew Stafford to go off for a few weeks running now, and would very much like him to do that here and get it out of his system prior to the Florida game.

MORRISSEY, DETACHED. LSU.

Stop me, oh oh oh stop me
Stop if you think if you’ve heard this one before
Les Miles gets a crucial fourth down and calls a fake punt.
My lyrics musn’t always rhyyyyyme…

[/looks craggy.]

Alabama @ Tennessee

Orson. Alabama, because any and all attempts to move through the air will be stifled not only by Tennessee’s self-declared war anything beyond merely competent passing, but by Alabama’s hostility to the notion of people gaining yards on them.

MORRISSEY, LUDIC. Alabama.

And if a double decker bus
Kills the both of us
It still won’t hurt as much as being sat on by Terrence Cody.

[/makes that aaa-WAAA!!! noise and gestures to the crowd.]

–who is not playing, but cut him some slack, he is Morrissey.–ED.

Penn State @ Ohio State

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Penn State, but only because we’re betting against a streak on the backs of Royster, Clark, and the possibility that Ohio State still doesn’t really have a quarterback despite having VY 2.0 OMG Terrelle Pryor at qb.

MORRISSEY, RESIGNED BUT WISTFUL. Penn State.

Please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me…let me
Get what I want this time.
Which is brains, and at least eleven points.

Notre Dame @ Washington

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Notre Dame, because Washington is just donkey-ass awful.

MORRISSEY, IRRATIONAL. Notre Dame.

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
He smelled…like cookies and haaaaam…

[/stares at shoes to finish song.]

Ole Miss @ Arkansas

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY BOTANKUS BOFARGILIGULLY DANG RANG DIGGITY!!!!

MORRISSEY, ODDLY ATTRACTED.Arkansas.

I would go out tonight
But I haven’t got a stitch to wear
This man said “I’ll text you, but only on my private, non-school phone.”

[/seriously eyeing Houston Nutt, but knows it will all end with him alone.]