SPECIAL GUEST PICK-OFF: MORRISSEY
by Orson on Oct 24, 2008 3:49 PM EDT
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PrintWith Holly on the road, our pick-off will be less sushi and more suedehead this week with the appearance of special guest pick-off artist and college football aficionado Morrissey.
Hello. I'm sad, but in a semi-ironic way. Let's talk football.
Texas Tech @ Kansas
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL.Texas Tech. Based solely on the notion that Kansas' attack is too loaded on Todd Reesing, making them the kind of team that thus far battles heroically against larger competition only to fall short by respectable but nevertheless losing margins. Tech in an all-in match with large piles of metaphorical pointschips.
MORRISSEY, MOROSE. Kansas.
Fat man, you put a flower on
To go down to the fair with your girl
The sight of both of you is enough to make a boy cryyyyyyyiiiieee....
[/looks at nails.]
Wake @ Miami
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. What the Patrick Nix offensive system for kids what rite gud needs to succeed is a quarterback who will not only hand off smoothly to a running back, but who will also forget everything "taught" to him, run around, and make shit up. Jacory Harris is just such an amnesiac and athletically gifted death butterfly, and will actually move the ball despite the best designs of his offensive coordinator. Also, Wake is on the skids, and we don't want to catch a falling knife here.
MORRISSEY, IRRATIONAL. Miami.
There was a boy, a lonely boy
So you took him down to the beach
And when I saw his glistening hide in the sun
I thought only of myself, and I criiiiiiied.
[/looks at nails.]
Kentucky @ Florida
Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, Rich.
ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Florida, as in all of our Florida picks are irrational, but a quick note of the factual should make us look less homer-ish: Kentucky is busted up something fierce in the injury department, the game is in Gainesville, and Florida may be approaching something like full gear here in week eight. Otherwise it's all WOOOOHOOOO GIT 'EM!
MORRISSEY, SARDONIC. Florida, but a cruel and unfair margin.
And now Rich knows how Joan of Arc felt,
Now he knows how Joooan of Aaaarc feeeelt...
[/takes off shirt.]
Duke @ Vandy
ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Vandy, but only because they seem further along the winning curve than Duke and more talented down the roster.
MORRISSEY, WITTY. Vandy.
If you need me at the bar, that's where we are
Celebrating Thatcher's offspring with our pint hands
Our chubby, chubby little pint haaaaands...
[/despisesyoufornotbeingvegetarian.]
OK State @ Texas
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Colt McCoy's accuracy FTW. Period. If we have nothing else to hang a victory on here, it's increasingly malicious defense played by the Longhorns and the telepathic lock he's got with his receivers. Oklahoma State won't be able to rush the ball and slow the game down, and against Oklahoma and Mizzou this meant a Texas win.
Morrissey, LUSTILY. Oh, sly wan Colt McCoy...
A boy in the bush
Is worth two in the hand
I think i can help you get through your exams
Oh, you handsome devil
[/doesn't not not sleep with men/women.]
Georgia @ LSU
ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. Georgia, because we've been betting on Matthew Stafford to go off for a few weeks running now, and would very much like him to do that here and get it out of his system prior to the Florida game.
MORRISSEY, DETACHED. LSU.
Stop me, oh oh oh stop me
Stop if you think if you've heard this one before
Les Miles gets a crucial fourth down and calls a fake punt.
My lyrics musn't always rhyyyyyme...
[/looks craggy.]
Alabama @ Tennessee
Orson. Alabama, because any and all attempts to move through the air will be stifled not only by Tennessee's self-declared war anything beyond merely competent passing, but by Alabama's hostility to the notion of people gaining yards on them.
MORRISSEY, LUDIC. Alabama.
And if a double decker bus
Kills the both of us
It still won't hurt as much as being sat on by Terrence Cody.
[/makes that aaa-WAAA!!! noise and gestures to the crowd.]
--who is not playing, but cut him some slack, he is Morrissey.--ED.
Penn State @ Ohio State
ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Penn State, but only because we're betting against a streak on the backs of Royster, Clark, and the possibility that Ohio State still doesn't really have a quarterback despite having VY 2.0 OMG Terrelle Pryor at qb.
MORRISSEY, RESIGNED BUT WISTFUL. Penn State.
Please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me...let me
Get what I want this time.
Which is brains, and at least eleven points.
Notre Dame @ Washington
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Notre Dame, because Washington is just donkey-ass awful.
MORRISSEY, IRRATIONAL. Notre Dame.
Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
He smelled...like cookies and haaaaam...
[/stares at shoes to finish song.]
Ole Miss @ Arkansas
ORSON, IRRATIONAL. GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY BOTANKUS BOFARGILIGULLY DANG RANG DIGGITY!!!!
MORRISSEY, ODDLY ATTRACTED.Arkansas.
I would go out tonight
But I haven't got a stitch to wear
This man said "I'll text you, but only on my private, non-school phone."
[/seriously eyeing Houston Nutt, but knows it will all end with him alone.]
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Les Miles will have a fleaflicker into a reverse to Tolliver and then a HB pass with one second to go to win the game vs Jawja, nobody would ever expect it on 4th down.
by DrB on Oct 24, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
The sad thing is, Johnny Marr was actually available to do this, and really could have used the work.
by RandBall's Stu on Oct 24, 2008 4:19 PM EDT reply actions
The only reason I could tell that wasn’t actually Holly is that Holly would’ve had something to rhyme with “GIGGETY.”
by DevilGrad on Oct 24, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
I got an image of Neuheisel as the “Hairdresser on Fire”…is that wrong?
by sb on Oct 24, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
Nuttjob better get it done this year cause it will be the last. You will have to do it with your own players next year.
10 years of giggity boredom…….good riddance.
Ol piss is loving it because they needed a rah-rah cheerleader and not a coach.
We on the other hand, needed a coach that’s not whooped before he gets on the field (9 in the box – kiss my ass!) Throw it dammit Houston, I dare you!
by Rzbker1974 on Oct 24, 2008 4:30 PM EDT reply actions
I had to sneak into your room
Just to read your playsheet
It was just to see, just to see….
All the crazy intensity…you’re going to piss on meeeeee…….
Illinois all over Wisconsin this week.
by Count Monsterrod Von Hugenstein on Oct 24, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
I have no idea who Morissey is, and this is still hilarious.
by 4.0 Point Stance on Oct 24, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
Seriously, how the fuck do you not know who Morissey is? Did you fail “life knowledge 101”?
by Nathan on Oct 24, 2008 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
Nathan – he probably got full marks in “doesn’t give a fuck about music or its iconoclasts” and “likely too old or too young to appreciate him”
by Ryno on Oct 24, 2008 4:52 PM EDT reply actions
can’t name a single morrisey tune of the top of my head either. Sounds like the name of an alcoholic brother they kicked out at my catholic HS.
by Brian on Oct 24, 2008 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
Thanks, now I’ve got the sound of Marr’s guitar work from “Stop Me If You Think That You’ve Heard This One Before” over and over in my head…
No, seriously. Thanks. I know it sounds sarcastic.
by Pants McPants on Oct 24, 2008 4:58 PM EDT reply actions
I have a feeling that the second half @ PSU last week (not the Toledo game) is when the flames rose to RichRod’s Roman nose, and his walkman started to melt.
(weeps gently as first trip to big house becomes inevitable streak-breaking loss to rival)
by now_a_hoo on Oct 24, 2008 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
y the h8, dooder?
We’re not all devotees of random emo bands from the ’80s.
by 4.0 Point Stance on Oct 24, 2008 5:06 PM EDT reply actions
The Smiths were a “random emo band” like Nirvana was just another grunge outfit.
Ah, fuck it. You’re probably too young to understand that reference either.
by DevilGrad on Oct 24, 2008 5:14 PM EDT reply actions
I was only joking when I said
By rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.
by Freehawk on Oct 24, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
Screw that touch-feely, navel gazing, mopey,“lyrics make no damn sense”, can’t decide if he’s heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or asexual nancy boy.
FREEBIRD!!!!!!!
/redneck off
by General Disarray on Oct 24, 2008 5:19 PM EDT reply actions
Viva hate!
Third Saturday used to be such a great hate week. Damn you Fulmer for fucking that up. And fuck the schedule too for making Third Saturday on the fourth Saturday.
As for The Smiths, they were one of the most influential bands of their time. Describing them as a “random emo band” is just plain ignorant.
by Brian O'Blivion on Oct 24, 2008 5:23 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t sweat it, y’all. 4.0 Point Stance simply hates it when his friends become successful…
by Papa Lou BSU on Oct 24, 2008 6:41 PM EDT reply actions
Musical snobbery rears its head on the webs. Shocking.
Brian, the most influential band of any time only influences young folks in a specific age group, no matter the era.
I was influenced by bands that no doubt informed the Smiths’ music, but all the Emo bands fall into one category I call: Yawn.
by NRBQ on Oct 24, 2008 6:43 PM EDT reply actions
Educate, don’t hate!
If you care to know more about the Smiths, the Library of Congress recommends the following Youtube links as included in this sentence.
Like most of the music referenced on this blog, they tend to sing out of both corners of their mouths at once. Hence singing “Girlfriend in a Coma” with a happy guitar lick thrumming along in the background.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 24, 2008 7:06 PM EDT reply actions
the most influential band of any time only influences young folks in a specific age group, no matter the era.
Does this standard apply to the Beatles, Stones, Led Zeppelin? I think not.
Whether you personally like ‘emo’ bands or not, I find uninteresting. What I was referring to regarding the Smiths influence was other bands that followed, not people, specifically.
There’s a whole lot of bands still in existence now who had the Smiths as an influence, some of which you might even like. I suggest Radiohead.
by Brian O'Blivion on Oct 24, 2008 7:17 PM EDT reply actions
Morrisey describes Tennessee Offense in song:
When you say it’s gonna happen “now”
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I’ve already waited too long
and all my hope is gone
You shut your mouth
how can you say
Goin 3 and Out is our best play?
we either fumble or punt on 4th doooowwwnnn
just like everybody else does
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 24, 2008 7:38 PM EDT reply actions
Mr. Pelican Pants, that was simply awesome.
Here’s a verse:
“I simply stare…
I’m in despair….
…at all this talent that is criminally wasted”
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Oct 24, 2008 8:24 PM EDT reply actions
Love the Smiths/Moz stuff.
The Tony Franklin song…
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now
by CK on Oct 24, 2008 8:41 PM EDT reply actions
As someone who saw the Smiths in Ybor City in 84-85? and Morrissey at the O’dome in 92, I have to say congrats Orson you made 2 alternate universes collide today. College football and Emo existed in parallel universes until today.
And so they sat on their hands
And cried like they want to die
We’ve already been waiting to long
So please score lots of motherfucking poooiiinntss
Thank yooouu Timm Teeebooow.
by Old Guy on Oct 24, 2008 8:42 PM EDT reply actions
“The coach with a thorn in his side, behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire for s-s-s-s-speeeeed…..”
For Urban Meyer.
by Signal to Noise on Oct 24, 2008 9:27 PM EDT reply actions
O,
Thanks for the advice. I’ll pass on the L.O.C’s musical opinions.
Brian,
Got ya. But I find bands influenced by the Smiths of little interest, too.
You’ll both understand when you are as old and in the way as myself.
Get off my lawn.
by NRBQ on Oct 24, 2008 10:35 PM EDT reply actions
For a college football website, I’m pleasantly surprised at the number of posters who know this much about Morrissey song lyrics.
Orson, which songs were you referring to for the
Texas Tech @ Kansas, Wake @ Miami, and Duke @ Vandy games?
BTW, Mr. Pelican Pants @25, that was awesome.
by boondoggle on Oct 24, 2008 11:47 PM EDT reply actions
@29 — What . . . Orson? D’yer truly mean (gulping hard) Morrisey wasn’t really himself contributing these pithy predictions from his dusty flat window this slate gray dawn? Is this all a sick joke? I am truly outraged. Where’s that Stoli bottle?
And furthermore, I subscribe to the Duke Ellington philosophy of musical taste. I prefer “good” music.
“But Duke, the journalist queried, “How do you know if it’s ‘good?’”
“If I like it,” the Duke replied, eyes a twinkle, “it’s ‘good!’”
by Bonzo's Ghost on Oct 25, 2008 5:26 AM EDT reply actions
Thanks…I love parodys…
Personally, my taste in music is truly wide range…
Case in point….since this is Tenneessee hate week,
my musical guest would have been, in honor of Holly,
Kenny Chesney and a few of his hits….Holly, this is for you and for Phil Fulmer—“Better as a Memory”:
I move on like a dinners prayer
Go thru a buffet like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don’t care
Always blame Coach Cutt for my mistakes
Arguments I win cause I’m never wrong,
Throw screens when there’s no need
I run up the middle when your blitz is on
I always hangin at the Krispy Kreme..
My only friends are donuts;
That’s just all I know….
But I’m better as a memory than as your Coach
And for his manlove of Tim Tebow:
“I still Think Tebows Sexy”
I still think Tebows sexy
It really turns me on
I’m always staring at him
While he running along
I like the way he’s passing and picking up first downs
I’m even kind of crazy about his end around,
He’s the only one who really understands what gets me
I think Tim Tebows sexyyyyyyy
Running these stadiums in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate lordy here he comes
With a basket full of scaples to go slice on a foreign kids pee pee…
A makeshift operating room and he comes up
A lil circle cut and spurt a lil blood
Just look at his face he ain’t a foolin me
(repeat chorus)
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 25, 2008 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
The Smiths and (later) Morrissey…indisputed definitive artists of their genre…and the lyrics…"How could you stay with a fat girl who says “Ooooh, would you like to marry me, and if you like you could buy the ring”, she doesn’t care about anything…"
or
“Long done do does did…words which could only be your own, and then produce the text from whence was writ, some dizzy whore from eighteen hundred and four…if you must write prose and poems, the words you use should be your own, don’t plagiarize or take on loan, there’s always someone somewhere, with a big nose who knows, who’ll trip you up and laugh when you fall…” illustrate a wonderfully prolific imagination and descriptive capacity.
Of course, Johnny Marr’s guitar was simply amazing.
by sb on Oct 27, 2008 9:38 AM EDT reply actions
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