LIVE FROM THE RED COCKTOBER, T. BOONE PICKENS

by Orson on Oct 24, 2008 11:43 AM EDT

Men and women file into a vast conference room. Large HD screens dominate the front wall; others are mounted on side walls and on scaffolding. On the screen is an empty chair in front of a scene of blinking lights, pulsing meters, and inscrutable technology.

An old man in a form-fitting purple uniform sits in front of the camera.

Hello, fellow Cowboys. You may be well aware of certain rumors and scuttlebutt circulating around the T. Boone Pickens Endowment currently helping the Oklahoma State football program. It is true that due to certain prevailing market conditions, the collateral backing up the $200 million loan facilitating stadium construction has been temporarily devalued to a point of subprime equity.

You may say, "well, T. Boone, that sounds a lot like zero." I'd like to ask you: if we all believed in the definite value of zero, if we really thought zero was a death sentence, how many of us would be here today? Zero is just a starting point for negotiations, that's all. T. Boone'll get this thing up and humming in no time flat, just you wait.

Zero is just life flashing you half of the "OK" sign to go ahead and do what you dream of doing in life. Or should I say, OK STATE? HAHAHHAA!!

LAUGH!!!! ALL OF YOU LAUGH!!! YES!!!

In the meantime, our beloved university is going to have to get some liquidity working to keep the lights on, so let's look at what we've got in terms of resources.

I'm a big believer in alternate forms of energy, so let's review the uncapitalized markets we could tap around the block.

Dirt. That's one thing Oklahoma has plenty of, and something we could lean on as a stopgap measure while the fund recovers.

In case you're wondering who owns the dirt rights for Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, and Louisiana, you're looking at him, and that includes particulate household matter. That's right: you're sweeping pennies of my fortune out your door every damn Sunday and you didn't even know it. I should have the legal paperwork governing dryer lint and vacuum bag filth complete and submitted to the Department of the Interior any day now, too, so we've got that as well.

Harvesting our elderkin. I'm not suggesting murder, but for those who've entrusted us with their life insurance policies, let's return the favor by making their final departures from this world more interesting. Have any of you considered cave diving, or perhaps a vacation to Afghanistan? Are you eating enough rich food, or have you been foolish enough to stop smoking, thus buying into the liberal media's sad bias against the noble tobacco industry? That last note is a particularly important one: I will send you the cigarettes myself in the mail if you like.

Red gold. Or what you might call the new commodity of the old future: human blood. Just look at our students and faculty and imagine the riches they have coursing through their veins every second of every day. It's just sitting there waiting to be tapped, or to be coaxed gently out of them for free t-shirts and cookies.

Our very own (consults index card) "Mike...Gundy" will lead the media charge himself, encouraging students to "Bleed Red for the Orange and White."

I have a proposed PR campaign in full detail under your chair. These sit atop the bombs I have strapped to each of your seats. Thank you for listening attentively.

We're gonna get this straightened out, people. Meaning, I'm gonna do it, and you're gonna sit back and watch. If you have any questions, I'll be in my solid platinum, solar wind--powered spaceship, the Red Cocktober, cruising 500 miles above the surface of the earth.

GO COWBOYS,

Admiral T. Boone Pickens.

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Comments

When I read that Spencer Hall’s story about this on some Sporting Blog, I deposited a moutful of coffee on my monitor. Mildly reckless behavior by the Okie State leadership.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Oct 24, 2008 11:50 AM EDT reply actions

Okie Lite – the Ed McMahon of college football.

by hobeg8r on Oct 24, 2008 11:59 AM EDT reply actions

Honestly, I would like to know more about the two invisible unicorns with hair made of wool.

by BDoc on Oct 24, 2008 12:04 PM EDT reply actions

The invisible unicorns are always taking the fall when the absurdly wealthy squander away all of my money.
I need some homosapien accountability up in here.
When will a politician finally stand up and say “The buck stops here. It does not get passed on to the unicorns, visible or invisible!”

by shawnoc on Oct 24, 2008 12:09 PM EDT reply actions

This is why you buy high and sell low…….IN BIZARRO WALL STREET!! WTF is going on?
Do you think Gordon Gecko would let someone else manage his money? Methinks this is what is gonna happen to that hedge fund manager:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/36665/saturday-night-live-reliable-investments

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 24, 2008 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

a scene of blinking lights, pulsing meters, and inscrutable technology

Sounds like the typical trading floor to me.

by DevilGrad on Oct 24, 2008 1:15 PM EDT reply actions

Does the Two Minutes Hate revolve around the chick that wrote the column that inspired the Gundyfest?

by poguemahone on Oct 24, 2008 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

Wind turbines on the stadium should solve this problem easily. That is until one of them throws a blade and takes out the band.

by Brian on Oct 24, 2008 1:32 PM EDT reply actions

Really the thing is the only one you’d think this affects is T Boone. He seems like a shifty wheeler dealer, but probably an upstanding guy to Okie State. My thought is that he will just donate the required funds, and not try to out game the Oklahoma State University endowment, which, because it is a university and thus has an infinite investment time horizon, would probably not have taken this aggressive investment route leading to the loss of the “donation.”

The only reason OK State would have to be scurred is if T Boone did this with the rest of his money too.

by Brian on Oct 24, 2008 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

It’s a great time to invest!

At least thats what all my friends with useful degrees say.

by Kecalf Bailey on Oct 24, 2008 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

Most interesting BOONE fact from Wiki:
Pickens lobbied for the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act (HR 503) which would prohibit the slaughter for human consumption and the trade and transport of horseflesh and live horses intended for human consumption.

Saban loves horseflesh

by Kecalf Bailey on Oct 24, 2008 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

@ Mr. Bailey (#10)

Which degrees are the useful ones?
Not any from one of them fancy football playing universities, I can guarantee you that.
I have a tig-welding certification that’ll show a college boy how useful that piece of paper is!

P.S. T. Boone didn’t need no degree to send a platinum (plated) rocket into orbit!

by shawnoc on Oct 24, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

All T. Boone needs is to be sitting in some modern chair, wearing a Nehru-type jacket with a white Persian cat in his lap to complete the picture.

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 24, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

@1 – Guys from my high school used to spit coffee on their computer monitors all the time. It was no big deal.

by FRAT STUD on Oct 24, 2008 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

Next stop, T.Boone Pickens Hotel and Casino…..
Now where does the money go? I find it hard to believe that he did not have a stop loss on it, and would let it disappear like Keyser Söze….poof, it was gone…
You see kids, this is why margin calls are bad bad bad…let this be a $300 million dollar lesson to you.
Its like a casino, when you are up, and you know you are up, leave…the longer you stay, odds are you will go broke….trust me, I have lost tens of dollars, I know what I am talking about….

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 24, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

This is what happens when Oklahoma State tries to overturn the will of the college football gods. Ok. State will always be a 2nd tier program. At best, they are the Va. Tech of the midwest/southwest (really, we in Oklahoma have no singular geographical affiliation. Could be south, southwest, or midwest depending on your opinion). At worst, they are Baylor without the education. When you trifle with fate, you get your face melted like the nazis. You want to know why the market has tanked/is tanking? T.Boone’s orange aggie folly. Remember, the last time Oklahoma State tried to surpass OU? They thought all was well, and then the tech stocks crashed. OU goes back on top, and the economy is all good. Ok State gets its mega-donation, and a short while later this happens. Never put faith in an aggie.

by Them Oklahoma on Oct 24, 2008 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

Brian,

That should allow Okie State’s endowment to cash in on all of those life insurance policies, thereby settling this issue of lack of funds.

by DLB on Oct 24, 2008 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

Laugh all you want, land thieving Pokes wannabe’s. You’re stuck in Norman freakin Oklahoma. The home of the Motor Mile and 3rd rate tittie bars and nothing else. Oh I suppose you could also add the Domino’s Pizza Delivery Driver Academy, or whatever the name of that school down South is… While we bask in the glory of all that is Stilly. Home of beautiful, slender, intelligent coeds: ( With all their original teeth!) A school that actually has degrees that can’t be used as proof that you’re eligible for government cheese allocations, and T BOONE MUTHERFUCKIN PICKENS!!!

Dream on Fuckers… Dream on. See you Thanksgiving weekend in BPS!

by Heywood Boren Blowme on Oct 24, 2008 3:41 PM EDT reply actions