SKIN, REDACTED
It is a common motif in interviews for [NAME REDACTED] to be just cleaning up after a shower. For some reason, he is forever just entering or exiting a bath of some sort during interviews, leading us to think he wishes that, like a cat, he could just self-clean on the go. Science eventually prevails, though.
GAMEDAY, 2012.
File footage from 2008 Gameday. Lee Corso head-in-jar not pictured.
Graying Chris Fowler: Big matchup coming this Saturday when the Illini go to Camp Randall to face the Badgers. We’ll be right back with Coach [NAME REDACTED].
Director:…aaaaand out.
Head of Lee Corso in Jar: CHANGE THE LIQUID IN HERE! I CAN SMELL MY OWN FACE!
Kirk Herbstreit: Hey, can we get LC some fresh head punch here?
Fowler: Every day I dream of a life I will never have and a death I cannot confront.
Make-up tech: What did you say? Could you turn to the left a little?
Fowler: Oh, sure. Yes. I’ll do that.
Herbstreit: Hey, how about a little touch-up over here?
Director: Stop it, Kirk. We all know you don’t wear or need makeup on television, and never have!
Herbstreit: I know! HA! (A bluebird lands on his shoulder. He exchanges high-fives with its tiny little wing.
CORSO: WHO’S PUTTING THE HAT ON ME THIS WEEK?
Fowler: Does it matter? Does any of this…matter?
Herbstreit: Hey, where’s the Zooker?
CORSO: HOLY FAHCKING SHIT.
Director: He should be walking up any second, I mean I sent HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
[NAME REDACTED] Heya folks. Glad to be here. Good to see ya. Gotta get on the stage. Questions to answer. Gotta talk to people. Makin’ it happen. That’s the Zooker. Hey, howya doin?
Herbstreit: Hey, Ron? What’s with the meatsuit, bro?
[NAME REDACTED]: All that showering. Too time consuming. Callin’ recruits in the shower. Freakin’ people out. Didn’t like talking to the Zooker naked. 24 minutes of every day spent in the shower. Now, BOOM! 24 minutes the Zooker’s got to make it happen some more. Ya likin’ it?
Corso in Jar: I’M LIKIN’ IT! YOU LOOK CUT, BROTHER!
Fowler: And now horror has made my waking and my nightmares one and the same.
[NAME REDACTED]: Feel free now. Except for the plastic wrap. Gotta put it down wherever I go. Leaving little gooey splotches. Moms don’t like it. Ruins the couches. Shouldn’t shop at Rooms To Go anyway. Helpin’ you out a splotch at a time.
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! [flexes visible muscles, lifts Gameday desk over head.]
Herbstreit: He’s pumped! And oozing a little.
Director: Thirty seconds! Get him miked, and wear a gloves when you do.
Corso in Jar: SO WHEN DO YOU TAKE OFF THE FUNNY SUIT?
[NAME REDACTED]: This is my suit. Gotta like it. Getting better every day. Less skin, more win. That’s what we say at Illinoise.
Director: Get me some fucking paper towels! In 3..2..1…
Fowler: Dear Santa. Short list. Cerebral hemorrhage. Early delivery accepted…AND we’re back!
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1
Holly says:
FOWLER: Not that it matters, since we’re all gonna die anyway, but key matchups today include…
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
2
Sean Glennon's Jersey says:
That’s totally inaccurate. [NAME REDACTED] will totally be “almost there” and “getting better every week” with the Idaho Vandals by 2012
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
3
AllWhoYonder says:
I never really pictured Fowler as Marvin before, but by 2012 that might just fit.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
4
DC Trojan says:
Fowler: Audiences know what they expect and that is all they are prepared to believe in
Herbstreit: Whatever, emo boy. Ohio State will win the next 5 national championships, and I am certainly not getting a hummer under the table from the President of the tri-Delts.
Corso’s Head: Whatever, emo boy. Ohio State will win the next 5 national championships, and I am certainly not getting a hummer under the table from the President of the tri-Delts.
Herbstreit: Why can’t you ever say anything original? Why do you always just repeat everything? I’m sick of making the running all the time!
Corso’s Head: I can’t think of anything original! I’m only good in support!
Herbstreit: It’s all right, I’ll see we’re all right
Corso’s Head: But we’ve got nothing!
Fowler: Generally speaking, things have gone about as far as they can possibly go, when things have gotten about as bad as they can reasonably get.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
5
Holly says:
@DCTrojan– Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
6
Jim Grizzle says:
Uhh…the credit in the picture of the GameDay crew says 2008 File Footage. That is actually a pic of the crew from 2006 while in Fayetteville, AR. Notice the Hog helmet (they played Tennessee that night). Also notice the sign with McFadden’s face on it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
7
Kyrana says:
Wonder what they get in their coffee mugs?
Fowler–absinthe
Corso–Redbull & Jolt Cola mixed
Herbstreit–can’t decide–maybe herbal tea, maybe an Appletini?
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
8
Joepas TriFocals says:
@7
‘Bout damn time we got a new absinthe reference! It’s been some time since that Parisian footbaw-lovin’ monkey fell under the spell of the Green Fairy.
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
9
tzubear says:
“You don’t understand the humiliation
of it… to be tricked out of
the single assumption that makes our existence bearable.
That somebody is watching.”
Bravo Holly/DC Trojan. Someone was.
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
10
Holly says:
That’s the most at home I’ve ever felt in a comment thread. Anywhere.
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
11
Other Chris says:
Between the musical theater and the Tom Stoppard, I just don’t know what to think anymore. Does Orson really write these? Or is it a group effort?
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 am
12
tzubear says:
I dunno Holly, your purge fest thread was remarkably entertaining.
However, if DC Trojans wit made you feel at home, disussions at your home must be be lively.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:09 am