GUNNER & GUNNERER: TCU-BYU COMPATIBILITY SCREENING.

by Holly Anderson on Oct 16, 2008 4:14 PM EDT

It's a Thursday night game. You know in your pitted hearts you have nothing better to do. Take our handy quiz to determine your loyalties for the evening.

Your preferred tailgating beverage is:
A) Beer
B) Milk

Your go-to antiseptic in event of injury is:
A) Beer
B) Milk

You drive to the game in:
A) A pickup truck that seats four.
B) A family van or SUV seating no less than ten.

You like your jeans to be:
A) Cowboy tight.
B) Ironed with a crease every time.

Your mascot:
A) Is a nightmare engine that SPITS BLOOD FROM ITS EYES DAMMIT WE DON'T CARE WHAT THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL SAYS ABOUT ANTS
B) Actually killed a relative of yours three weeks ago.

Show me sexy.

You think breast implants are:
A) Hot and worth it
B) May I give you some literature?

Shotgun weddings are:
A) A fact of life
B) Redundant

You have a year's worth of food in the house because:
A) You keep a Texas-sized kitchen YEEEHAW
B) Because your religion requires you to.

Your first sexual encounter:
A) In the back of the truck.
B) Through a hole in the sheet.

Your favorite polygamist:
A) J.R. Ewing
B) Joseph Smith

I drill for a living, baby.

You are threatened by:
A) Wolves, lightning, economic insecurity, your current partner's exes, and earthquakes.
B) Black people.

Your women are best kept:
A) Barefoot and pregnant.
B) In Keds and pregnant.

Your quarterback got the starting job:
A) Because he is named "Dalton," and by Texas law anyone named after the lead in Road House gets whatever they want.
B) Because of his pinpoint accuracy.

Pencils down! Those answering mostly A are natural TCU fans; those answering B will find their reward with BYU. This has been a public service of EDSBS and Swindle Industries, LLC.

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Comments

As a student of TCU, you would be surprised that there are more kids looking like they live in Nantucket or Cape Cod than cowboys on campus. You wouldn’t think boating shoes would be popular 5 hours from a body of water.

by Shane on Oct 16, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

Shane, you are completely disrespecting Joe Pool Lake.

by Headthief on Oct 16, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

Racist…check
Sexist…check
spiritual, therfore stupid…check

WAIT – you forgot to call them fat editediteditedit

by Ryno on Oct 16, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

But can the Mormons also drink Red Bull through that hole in the sheet?

by Turd Ferguson on Oct 16, 2008 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

I thought that Bring’em Young had about 50 wives, far outstripping (pun intended) Mr Smith.

What? No commentary on the trumuphal re-entry of Mr White Sunglasses/Red Shoes to Raleigh?

T minus 1 hr 45 minutes & 92 miles to Beer30. Off to witness Death Of A Coach in Knoxville Sattiday.

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 16, 2008 4:45 PM EDT reply actions

They are not fat. There’s not enough food to go around after feeding all twelve kids for them to be fat.

by Texy on Oct 16, 2008 4:51 PM EDT reply actions

Texy, not to mention the three wives.

by Shane on Oct 16, 2008 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

I hope BYU can play tonight, that left ankle looks a little dodgy.

by BennyBeav on Oct 16, 2008 4:53 PM EDT reply actions

+1 for the polygamy / drilling combo.

by Geaux Irish on Oct 16, 2008 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

shane’s right…some serious yuppy’ing going on over at tcu. they can’t hang with smu, but they try.

by gerry dorsey on Oct 16, 2008 5:06 PM EDT reply actions

J.R. Ewing is all that is man.

“Contracts were made to be broken, honey, but a handshake is the law of God.”

A true Texas icon.

by Nutter on Oct 16, 2008 5:09 PM EDT reply actions

“But can the Mormons also drink Red Bull through that hole in the sheet?”

Dude, can you? That’s anatomically……..impossib….improb…..creative?

by RobC on Oct 16, 2008 5:10 PM EDT reply actions

Seeing that horny toad reminded me of when I invested a boatload of money in a company that was going to make a diabetes drug out of synthetic gila monstor spit but it turned out to be only effective when given with other drugs and my wife got mad saying stuff like if you think gila monstor spit can cure diabetes don’t you think hollywood starlets would be out in the desert hiring mexicans to find gila monstors so they could lose weight and still be employed and be top shelf commodities and if read about some other hair brained eye of newt type thing please at least run it by me since I am the one that has any sense around here.

I tend to get Faulkner-esque when I’m sad

by hlh on Oct 16, 2008 5:15 PM EDT reply actions

#11: It’s more of a comparison between Mormons and Jews. It’s been proven (by the Upright Citizens Brigade) that the Chosen People can eat pork, smoke cigarettes and even hump computers through a hole in the sheet. But can young LDS men do the same?

by Turd Ferguson on Oct 16, 2008 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

Jews? Are there any Jews in Texas or Utah
Just askin.

by shovel-pass on Oct 16, 2008 5:37 PM EDT reply actions

“Through a hole in the sheet.” Never heard that one before, bravo. Its kinky, like a glory hole at a truckstop bathroom, but not as likely to get you diseased. Its very clinical, almost German. Pickup line at both schoosl is probably, “Are you saved?”

by Brian on Oct 16, 2008 5:39 PM EDT reply actions

What if my truck was a single cab? Does that count?

by dfdub on Oct 16, 2008 5:41 PM EDT reply actions

Brian, the most commonly used pick-up line at TCU is “Are you drunk?” Actually, the administration doesn’t say Texas Chrsitian University because we’re not religious at all. Hell, we have Reverend Wright an award last year.

by Shane on Oct 16, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions

Ryno, the trick to calling out close minded bigots is to not reveal yourself to be one in the following line.

by Chg on Oct 16, 2008 5:54 PM EDT reply actions

Q: What is the featured song at the wedding recpetion

A) “Let’s Get Drunk and Screw”
B) “Puppy Love” The Osmond Brothers

by The Holy Grail on Oct 16, 2008 5:55 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, this post is actually pretty far off the mark, regarding TCU anyway. They are actually quite snobby, espically to the poor, state schooled UT or A&M types.

But that is OK, TCU is in Texas, and Texans in general and pretty close to that type.

by meatybob on Oct 16, 2008 5:56 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, Ryno, that’s a dumbass statement. Even though I am religious, I am also an chemical engineer, so I can safely say that I am probably smarter than you.

But thats OK, I make dumbass statements all of the time. Live and learn.

by meatybob on Oct 16, 2008 6:04 PM EDT reply actions

As a Jew who grew up in Fort Worth, I can attest that not only are there Jews in Texas, there are a good number of Jews attending TCU.

by ClemsonHorn on Oct 16, 2008 6:08 PM EDT reply actions

THEN:
TCU: Dennis Franchione, LT
BYU: Gary Crowton, Luke Staley
NOW:
Coach Fran, tv commentator
Coach Crowton, LSU O-coordinator

LT-NFL MVP
LS- 7th round pick

I think the “hole in the sheet” is a requirement for some religions, it was on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” with Gina Gershon

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 16, 2008 6:45 PM EDT reply actions

Gina Gershon is mad hot. Id do her with a hole in the sheet.

by Brian on Oct 16, 2008 11:45 PM EDT reply actions

Regarding the hole-in-the-sheet thing: it’s an urban legend, usually assumed of more stringent sects of various religions (and often Orthodox Judaism), with the assumption that they view sex as strictly for baby-makin’, and there shouldn’t be any sensual enjoyment, like caressing or bodies rubbing or such.

by Magic Hobo on Oct 17, 2008 1:52 AM EDT reply actions