SLOW NEWS DAY: TAKE THIS TIME TO PURGE.
In lieu of refunding everyone’s daily subscription fees for what’s turning out to be the first letdown day following the OMG GREATEST FOOBAW WEEKEND EVAR 2K8, we’re taking a step back. There’s absolutely nothing interesting happening today, so we’re focusing inward and using this time to improve ourselves as fans by confessing our greatest cardinal football sins. We surveyed ourselves, fellow bloggers just as strapped for content as we are this afternoon, and a few intrepid commenters. The following is our preliminary list of trespasses against our fellow man, our school loyalty, and in several cases against humanity itself.

Forgive me father, for I enjoy the sounds of “Rocky Top”.
ORSON, Florida: “I like Georgia’s colors.”
HOLLY, Tennessee: “I think the recitation of Neyland’s Maxims is one of the dumber traditions in college football and would like nothing better than to see it scrapped.”
PB, Texas: “I don’t hate Kirk Herbstreit like I should. It’s pitiful. He has some weird charisma that overwhelms my rational mind. Maddening.”
SIGNAL TO NOISE, USC: “I’ve started to hate Mark Sanchez. I was uneasy with it; there was something I couldn’t place. I was kind of “well, he’s the QB of the team I root for,” but when the announcers last week compared him to Vince from Entourage, my hate made sense.”
ROCKABYE REGGIE NELSON, Florida: “I prefer games on TV to games in person.”
WORSTFAN, Ohio State: “I want Ohio State to lose again, so I can stop trying to rationalize how they still deserve to be in consideration to be “in it”. I say this as a holder of two Ohio State degrees and former 5 year resident of the 43210.”
BURRITOBROSSHITS, Florida: “Feigning love for the Buckeyes to get laid. Actually worked but I felt really dirty and guilty afterwards. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, though, so I just bounced.”
MONDAY MORNING PUNTER, Ohio State: “Daryll Clark is the man! He strikes me as the kind of guy that could take a girl out to a nice dinner the one minute and then toss her down a flight of stairs the next.”
LT. WINSLOW, Miami: “Fuck it. I don’t regret it. I shared a brief, romantic moment with my coke-whore ex girlfriend’s best friend inside the privacy of a stall in the women’s bathroom in the west endzone of the Orange Bowl at the ‘06 Miami-FSU game. There were little teardrop shaped titties and a baggie of white powder and I’d do it again if I had the chance.”
We feel better already. Please, do join the purge party below with your worst transgressions.
350 Responses to “SLOW NEWS DAY: TAKE THIS TIME TO PURGE.”
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151
Jerkwheat says:
Jerkwheat – Arkansas
1. Whenever I go back for Arkansas games, I often think that I probably got a better education at my midwestern directional university than I would have had we not moved away from Arkansas when I was in high school.
2. There are times when I look at the schedule and lust for membership more geographically appropriate Big 12.
3. I don’t hate Texas as much as I’m supposed to.
4. I really wanted to hire Mike Leach to replace Nutt last year just for the comedic possibilities.
5. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for the wishbone to become the preeminent college football offense again.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
152
Koheez says:
Koheez, Colorado;
1) As a 10 year old I cried in the Orange Bowl after Rocket returned the kick, pre-flag. Instant water works.
2) You can never justify a 5th down…..
3) Boulder is not heaven on earth. Its a place where rich white kids from California and the east coast have priced out in-state kids while making it a less diversified city. There aren’t even hippies in the city anymore, just yuppies.
4) Who cares if we have the mountains. I’d rather have a 106K stadium and great game-day scene. Tailgates + Suburbans with ski racks = zzzzzz
5) Colorado should leave the Big 12 and join the Pac-10. It can’t compete with Texass and Oklahoma.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
153
MikeLew says:
MikeLew, Ohio State:
1) I cannot stand many OSU fans, who remind me of spoiled children, complaining about every little thing.
2) I really liked Lloyd Carr as a coach, even before Tressel went 6-1 against him.
3) I passed on PSU-OSU tickets in 2002, instead going to a game with a girl that I didn’t have a chance of getting with.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
154
Coop says:
That priest looks like Tommy Bowden.
Anyway, yeah I admit that I like Steve Spurrier. Hated to see him become the coach at South Carolina like the rest of the Clemson fanbase because he was, and by was I mean was, a great coach at one time, but I hated to see it personally because I liked him a great deal when he was at Florida.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
155
NRBQ says:
Late to the party, but as a reader of Doug’s blog, I’m shocked that he’s dating someone.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
156
WarDamnEagle says:
WarDamnEagle, Auburn
1. I still can’t coherently explain the whole Tigers-War Eagle-Plainsman thing to any non-Auburner.
2. In spite of their damned jumping mascot, South Carolina’s entrance is the best in football. Hands down. It blows the locked-arms thing at Auburn out of the water.
3. The greatest parking lot scene in college football isn’t outside of Jordan-Hare Stadium… or any other S.E.C. stadium. It’s at, gulp, Notre Dame.
4. USC would have killed — not beat, killed — Auburn in the 2005 Orange Bowl. Oklahoma probably would have won, too.
5. Tommy Tuberville’s blind loyalty to SOME of his assistant coaches, but not others, hurts the program… especially these days.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
157
Carolina_girl says:
Carolina girl: South Carolina Gamecocks.
1. I grew up in a Notre Dame household and became an avid SoCal fan.
2. I applied to and got a scholarship to Southern Cal before I even thought/heard of another school called USC.
3. I too think Cullen Harper is hot.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
158
RotoJeff says:
RotoJeff, Northwestern: I’m *really* jealous of the Gameday experience that virtually every other school has compared to us. Forget the win-loss record and talent on the field – I can deal with that. It’s the lack of cool traditions, full stadiums, loud fans, loud bands, or hell, even a non-generic mascot that drives me nuts. Even when we’re good, our fanbase is lame.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
159
TJ says:
I still love Ron Zook. One of the highlights of undergrad was meeting him before the 2004 Outback Bowl against Iowa.
I like FSU’s fight song. Not the War Chant thing, but the real fight song. …and now it’s in my head.
“There’s no other name so glorious” is a bit strong.
I like Peyton Manning. It helps that I never really saw him as a threat at Tenn, I guess.
I was raised a Notre Dame fan.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
160
kwajmahall says:
Auburn fan here.
Unless we are playing against each other, I want Alabama to win every game they play. I like those ole Crimson Tide rascals. My daddy is the spitting image of Bear Bryant.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
161
Schnelly-ade says:
Schnelly-ade, Florida Atlantic
1. My program is just 8 years old, I am envious of all college programs & traditions because we have none. No really, we do not have anything.
2. I went to the Cap One Bowl with some of my best friends and fell in love with Wisconsin Football and the Fifth Quarter.
3. I believe in the man, the legend himself Coach Schnellenberger will bring us to greatness and that I just hope the time I spent celebrating in New Orleans as the quickest program to win a bowl game will be repeated much sooner rather then later!
4. I love college football and will gladly give up my fall Sundays so I can have my Saturdays.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
162
Schnelly-ade says:
@145
Regarding your claim of lamest college footbaw band, I raise you my FAU Marching band. Reasons that illustrate our lameness:
1. At our home game against Troy their band was larger by at least 2 to 1; they were so loud too and our band was like little church mice.
2. Our band wore uniforms that were identical to concession stand workers at arena where Florida Panthers play.
3. We outsourced our band to different High Schools for about 2 seasons.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
163
Biggus Rickus says:
1. I think Buck Belue is an annoying douchebag.
2. I like Georgia Tech’s unis.
3. I kind of liked Spurrier’s arrogance when he was coaching at Florida.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
164
Jersey Gator says:
I sing the ND fight song all the time.
I love Michigan’s winged helmets.
I think Pete Carroll is awesome.
I have a huge Colt McCoy man crush, have since his freshman year.
And, most embarrassingly, I’ve been to one college football game in my life…………..Rutgers vs Pitt.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
165
Jon Galt says:
Bama fan-
While walking around Tuscaloosa on gamedays and sitting in Bryant-Denny, I wish we could swap our fans with a more rational, educated set of fans. Auburn often comes to mind
October 14th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
166
Darkknight says:
I found Chris Leak not only likeable, but physically alluring.
And I’m a Bulldawg.
And a man.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
167
Beau Trahan says:
Beau Trahan, Texas:
I loved watching Adrian Peterson run the football. I always felt a little cheated that he battled the injury bug because he had the chance to be the greatest running back of his generation. He should own at least one Heisman Trophy and be widely regarded as the best running back of his generation.
And he seems like a much more likeable guy than that sorry excuse for a human being we were handing the ball off to, Cedric Benson.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
168
softbatch says:
Heh, I just saw the real Orson Swindle on PBS’s Frontline.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
169
Bones Crosby says:
Alabama fan:
1. The smug arrogance of some Alabama fans annoys me to no end.
2. I’ve never met an Auburn or Tennessee graduate I didn’t like.
3. The way Nick Saban became coach at Alabama left something to be desired. But I would not want anyone else coaching the team.
4. After getting a parking ticket in Columbus, Ohio in the summer of 2006, I uttered some curse about the Buckeyes not winning a championship until I got my $20 back…..There are witnesses to this
October 14th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
170
hlh says:
10. I became a bandwagon Bama fan because of their ‘92 national championship team.
Excommunication. Burn.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
171
Daywalker trailer park says:
I had/have a mancrush on Mike Shula. He wasn’t the man for the job, but he did everything with class, even his departure.
I envy the War Eagle fly-in and wonder why we can’t get an Elephant.
I attended my 1st College Football game at UW Husky Stadium, and think its lakeside setting is spectacularly beautiful.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
172
This Guy says:
This Guy, UF
1. I didn’t choose a small private school over UF…I didn’t get into UF. (Well, the second time around. I DID actually choose a small private school over a public one
2. Mark Richt seems like an okay guy.
3. Even though there’s probably no connection, I’m inordinately flattered that there is now a That Guy on the EDSBS comment section.
4. There’s too much smoke in UF’s recruiting office to have no fire.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
173
socalbryan says:
Confessions of an USC alum, Los Angeles:
I grew up a bRuin fan, and would still cheer for them if it didn’t mean automatic harassment from my bruin friends.
When I first went to USC, it hurt to put on that t-shirt and instantly become a smug rich kid.
I hate most of the fans at the coliseum, be they rich snobs or raider fans looking for a replacement for the long ago departed nfl team.
I think reggie took the money, and I hope he blows out both knees as punishment from god. However, I want to keep his heisman so we have just as many as ND and tOSU.
I like Rick Neuheisel. In fact, I think the combination of he and Norm Chow will end up bringning balance to the force… er, pac 10. Plus, rick is smart (USC law alumni and was admitted to princeton).
I miss norm chow. Pete has not and will not win the MNC without him.
Matt Leinart is a douche.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
174
Raider Red says:
Texas Tech:
Our fan base is a bunch of cheapasses.
I admire the unison and coordination of Aggy.
I am jealous of UT’s recruiting budget.
I wish the Big 12 had a national game on network TV each week.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
175
dixiehack says:
Dixiehack, Alabama
* LSU has a kickass band, mascot, cheerleaders, tailgate scene, etc. My young son has adopted them as his favorite team … and I don’t really mind.
* I have a soft spot for UAB, and actually want the program to survive and prosper.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
176
mike says:
40-ish New South White Liberal Apologist with a Ph.D. he probably doesn’t deserve, Mississippi State University: I don’t think Sylvester Croom is ever going to get it done here. Special teams look like they’re straight out of the SWAC.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
177
Tripper says:
Tripper, Florida
Not only to I like Rocky Top, Warchant, Hold That Tiger, Hey Alabama and Leroy Brown (UGA), but I also think our fight song blows. It’s corny, 1970s rah-rah crap. There, I said it.
I think our tailgating situation is terrible unless you have an extra 13 grand to pay for Bullgator parking. But even then, there is no shade and even less grass.
Georgia girls are hotter, classier and know more about football.
In fact, Florida’s fanbase, for the most part knows very little about football pre-1990. The students know very little pre-2001.
I once wore a UGA hat to a UGA football game on Thanksgiving weekend. I cheered for them to beat Ga. Tech. In my defense, I was drunk enough to explain that the G on the hat stood for Gators, and I didn’t miss the FSU game … it was our bye week.
I used to have a mullet. I still have jean shorts. I don’t care.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
178
JamesWest says:
Forgive me, Father, but as a devout Sun Devil fan, I’m beginning to doubt Dennis Erickson’s abilities. I’m willing to say 10 Hail Mary’s and believe you if you tell me that it will all be alright after Koetter’s rejects leave school and DE gets his own players on the squad…amen.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
179
devin says:
Georgia:
-Despite the sacrilege of anything anti-stafford, I can’t help but think Joe Cox wouldn’t have thrown two picks inside Tennessee’s red zone.
-It’s not a man-crush exactly, but despite his allegiance to Tennessee I can’t stop picturing Eric Berry in Red and Black. I wonder if he does the same thing, and it makes me sad. Plus he never calls home anymore.
-Ole Miss girls are hotter than UGA girls. I can’t believe I said it, but it’s true and universally known. It’s that whole “increased academic standards” thing in Athens. THE HOPE SCHOLARSHIP IS KILLING OUR ASS RANKING!!!
October 14th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
180
softbatch says:
1. I love the Atlanta Braves over any other sports team.
2. I’ve attended only three GA Tech games and only one while a student.
3. Of those three games, I’ve only been drunk once, and it wasn’t when I was a student.
3. Growing up in a UGA household but having gone to Tech, I’m only slightly happier when UGA loses vs. when they win.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
181
joaj34 says:
joaj34, Georgia:
I also prefer games on TV rather than in Sanford Stadium
I cannot control myself at tailgating anymore, so I think I need to stay home
Rockytop lives inside my head along with The Victors and Victory March…and Fight On
I believe we’re overrated…sometimes vastly
Something about Tech’s triple option makes me happy
October 14th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
182
ronald says:
UGA:
I grew up an Auburn person in SW Georgia, so I hated UGA with a passion until the HOPE scholarship essentially dragged me there. I had to convert or face four years of total football misery. I received my father’s permission (no kidding). It took four years, up until last year’s blackout game, for me to cheer against Auburn. And despite the fact that I have come to love UGA and have lived here in Athens for six years now, I know I will never love college football as much as I did when life was simpler and I was just an Auburn guy.
DAMN YOU, CRIPPLING FEAR OF STUDENT LOAN DEBT
October 14th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
183
Tommy says:
Tommy, Ohio State
“The Victors” sticks in my head for weeks after the tOSU-UM game…I feel ashamed, yet can’t get rid of it
October 14th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
184
WarlikePlainsman says:
WarlikePlainsman, Auburn
I envy Alabama’s power. Not just the championships and the prestige but the dark side of the power as well.
I think that the fact that the Bear could get us put on probation every time we turned him in for cheating is badass. Not just new Corvette badass but Bronson and Eastwood in a bareknuckle brawl circa 1975 badass.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
185
jacketexan says:
As a GaTech alum:
-I love the music for “Up with the White & Gold”, but I think the lyrics are incredibly cheesy (especially compared to “Ramblin Wreck”)…I just think it’s lame to mention your rival in your fight song.
-I like UGA’s Battle Hymn song.
-Occasionally I find myself rooting for Clemson…although I usually feel icky about it and immediately repent.
-Think that The Varsity is too greasy.
-Secretly wished (until this year) that Mark Richt was our coach.
As a Texan, born and raised:
-Am somewhat glad that the SWC broke up.
-Frequently find myself rooting against Univ. Texas, even when I dislike the team they are playing.
-I cannot get excited about a TCU vs. SMU rivalry…sorry, but tailgating parties should not be catered, and should never have a BMW ratio of over 50%.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
186
Etch Westgrin says:
Alabama – It’s been said, but the eagle flying around Auburn’s stadium is really cool.
Also, large swaths of Alabama’s fanbase embarrass me.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
187
VolunteerValtrex says:
Volunteer Valtrex – UTK
The Victors is a great fight song.
I hate the “Wooooo” in Rocky Top.
Most Vol fans are FAT.
Cowbells are awesome.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
188
Walter FTW says:
Walter FTW, Auburn fan.
1. I think Tray Blackmon is overrated.
2. I think Nick Saban is the best coach in the SEC, and I hope to see his team in the MNC.
3. I like LSU just as much as Auburn, and yes, I realize that this is dumb.
4. I have occasionally rooted for Miami.
5. I care about the Saints and the Colts much, much more than I do Auburn or LSU, and no, I can’t explain why.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
189
maskedavenger says:
Michigan fan
1. OSU’s skull session rocks
2. ND has a beautiful campus
3. Given it’s stature in college football, Michigan should have more than one national title from 1949 to now.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
190
Synaesthesia says:
As a Virginia Tech fan, I continue to believe that some day we will have an offense decent enough to go with the kind of defense we produced the last 4 years (not including this year), and that we will be able to make a legitimate run at a national title.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
191
VandyDores04 says:
Vandy Fan here,
I almost wanted to marry a Tennessee fan… *shudder*
I think that our marching band might be worst in the country (we had a bleeping paper mache shark one year on the field)
I like the Tennessee marching band and that damn circle..and I actually watch it when they come to play at Vandy
I kind of miss expecting to lose and dreaming for the win… this whole expecting to win thing feels dirty and wrong.
i am not going to cut myself to make the pain stop…
October 14th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
192
TJ says:
I didn’t mention it explicitly before, but Florida fan here.
One more: the Tennessee band’s pregame show, including when the football team runs out, is really fucking cool.
Also, to the Vandy fan above: don’t worry, your band is still not nearly as bad as Miami’s. Most high school bands aren’t even that bad.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
193
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
Ok, so it’s my turn to confess…
Gen. Stoopnagle, Georgia:
As an undergrad at a small third-tier public university in Texas, I cheered for Auburn. But for good reason: they beat UF in the Swamp.
I think too many UGA fans are rednecks and that many others have an overblown estimate of UGA’s place in CFB history.
I, too, would sometimes rather sit at home and watch a full slate of games with the wife and hounds than spend all day ‘gatin’ and then ‘tween the hedges.
I also have a massive man-crush on Pete Carroll (but I don’t really think this is a sin – perhaps because I’m Episcopalian?)
And… I kind of like Jessie Palmer as a color guy on ESPN.
That last one really makes me feel dirty because I know he is somewhere, right now, wearing capri pants.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
194
VolunteerValtrex says:
Volunteer Valtrex – UTK Vols
addendum*
I tried Crystal Meth once, ’twas extraordinary.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
195
cone says:
*and God cried*
October 14th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
196
Big Jon says:
Arizona State (still)
We have the worst fanbase of any program that is/aspiring to be a national level program. Fickle, whiny, and generally uninterested. I won’t even get into the administration’s choking out of tailgating, which certainly doesn’t help the issue at hand.
The kids in Tucson have a nicer campus and gameday atmosphere than we do in Tempe.
I really wanted to go to U of A, but ASU offered me a scholarship and my family basically forced me to either go there or somewhere in-state (VA). There was actually a time in my life when I had to lobby to the parents as to why UA and Tucson were better than ASU and Tempe, and I meant every word of it. Luckily I caved. Fucking sell-out.
This is terribly therapeutic. Thanks, Holly and Orson.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
197
That 5.0 Guy says:
That 5.0 Guy, USF -
-I love the football team, hate the university itself with a passion. Particularly Genshaft.
-Our students are retards in some many different ways from not knowing how to taligate to being living, breathing douche bags.
-Matt Grothe looks like a fetus.
-Those gliter guys you found pictures of? I’ve met them, and if I met them again in a stairwell, I would gladly push them down, then light their broken bodies on fire.
-I have anger management issues, which means I understand Jim Levitt in ways I didn’t think were really possible.
-There’s a reason the school has talented players and that reason is low entry requirements. It’s why I want to murder all lower-classmen I ever had to deal with.
-So, yeah, point one sums it up, I like the team, hate the school.
-And I secretly envy the power-running game of UConn. It’s like a the scene in Saving Private Ryan where the guy gets stabbed by the german as slowly stabs him. It’s gut-wrenchingly amazing.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
198
Geaux Irish says:
GI, Domer:
In 1996 I thought Holtz was no longer a good coach and that the grass would be greener on the other side.
I received my karmic bitch slap with Davie, O’Leary, and Willingham.
I, also, think that Andre Ware is a good color commentator for the early Saturday games on ESPN.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
199
joaj34 says:
This is soul cleansing, so I’ll add some more sins:
I like Lee Corso, Mark May and Lou Holtz
I don’t really like a lot of other UGA fans and sometimes secretly wish of being an alum of a small school with no football team from the northeast so I could just relax and enjoy Saturdays in the fall
Bye-weeks bring me a feeling of unexplainable joy; there’s no pressure or liver damage (well…)
I, too, have harbored questionable feelings about Pete Carrol
I preach about discipline and fundamentals in football, but still get giddy thinking about the endzone dance in JAX last year
October 14th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
200
oneeyegeorge says:
Oneeyegeorge, U of Arkansas
I openly rooted for Texas during the Red River Shootout.
I masturbated on a full-to-the-max Greyhound bus.
You can decide which is worse. Both are bad.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:55 pm