PHAN-TOMMY OF THE OPERA

by Orson on Oct 13, 2008 2:37 PM EDT

A darkened stage. One spotlight illuminates the darkness. Tinkly piano music begins to waft up from the orchestra pit.

TOMMY BOWDEN:

Momma...just killed a team
Took a championship squad
Lost to Bama, shot my wad...

Momma....the season's just beguuuun...
But now I've gone and throooown it aaaaallll awaaaay...

Mommaaa----

SKEERRREEEEECHHHHHH!!!!

The sound of a needle coming off the record. Bowden looks around with a confused look on his face. From the back of the stage comes thundering guitar and a crowd of people surrounding a blonde-headed guitar god on a pile of skulls.

THE WILLY KORN MAFIA: YOU! STOP THERE!

Massive guitar riffs crash in. A soloist steps forward. He is THE ANGRY CLEMSON FAN.

ACF: You went to Atlanta, shit the-

WILLY KORN MAFIA: BED BED BED!

ACF: Had visions of bowl games, now we're--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!

ACF: Ralph Friedgen eats too much--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: BREAD BREAD BREAD!!!

ACF: And he still beat us, now we're---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: FED FED FED!

ACF: Up....

Bringin' it down now. Slow piano shuffle...

TOMMY BOWDEN:

Don't blame me,
Cullen Harper couldnt' pass!
Don't blame me if he
Had his head up his ass.

I'm just a victim of consequence
Don't blame me
Blame Rob Spence!

CHORUS:

He's just a victim of consequence, of consequence, of consequence....
We'll blame the quarterback, the offensive line and Coach Rod Spence

Don't blame Tommy--
BLAME C-O-N-S-E-Q-U-E-N-C-E

CON-SE-QUEEEEEEEEEENCE!!!

Blaring drums and guitar thump back up from the pit. dumdumdumdumdumDUMDUMDUMDUMTHUMPTHUMPATHUMPATHUMPA

ACF: You stuck at 8-5 and we're--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: PISSED PISSED PISSED!!!

ACF: Picked for the title and you--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: MISSED MISSED MISSED!!!

ACF: All that booster ass that you---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: KISSED KISSED KISSED!!!

ACF: Don't matter now that you've made the

WILLY KORN MAFIA: SHIT SHIT SHIT---

ACF: Liiiiiiiiiiiist.....

Bringin' it down one last time before the finale...piano...

Tommy Bowden: No...it can't be....Jeff?

Jeff Bowden:

Up here it's peaceful
With nary a care,
Brother come join me
Up here in the air

In coaching heaven
There's no bloggers or press
No recruits to badger
No contracts, no stress

The back nine is waiting
The beer's always cold
Have you played this Wii thing?
It's awesome.

Seriously, you know, I always thought video games were just for kids, but since I don't have to work anymore I....

THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA ROCK!

WILLY KORN MAFIA: YOU GOTTA GO!!!

Tommy: But I promised recruits carries...

ACF: Tommy can you hear me hope you can 'cause you know you gotta--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: GO!!!

Tommy: But I've got this pesky buyout and you'll--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: GO!!!

Tommy: But the people---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: LISTEN TO THEM, TOMMY!!!

CLEMSON FANS, EN CHORALE:

Do you hear the Tigers sing?
Singing a song of 8-5,
It is the music of a people
Whose team is in nose dive,

When your team is paralyzed
By your bitch mentality
Four million dollars to send you home
Is a paltry feeeeeee!!!

Will you hire Will Muschamp?
Will you just play want and see?
Beyond the Music City Bowl
Is there life in the ACC?

To fight
for the right
To play
In a bowl game someone wants to seeeeee?

ALL:

WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?
WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME?
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE'S A COACH WHO'LL GIVE THE BACKS
THE CARRIES TO SUCCEED!!!

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
C-L-E-M-S-O- (PAUSE) N!
WHATEVER HAPPENS PLEASE DON'T LET US
LOSE TO WAKE FOREST AGAIN!!!!

AAAAHHHH!!!

AHHH!!!!!

LOSE TO WAKE FO-REST AAA-----GAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!!

Tommy Bowden: Fuck all y'all.

Cullen Harper: You deserved it.

FIN

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Comments

Glorious.

by Dr. StrangeCock on Oct 13, 2008 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

Curtain. Up.

by Adam West's chauffeur on Oct 13, 2008 2:44 PM EDT reply actions

It was better than Cats.

by Holly on Oct 13, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

Who knew that lurking inside Orson was a musical theater director struggling to come out? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

by ProfKid93 on Oct 13, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

Or curtain down? I’m not sure. But neither was Terry Don the last few years.

by Adam West's chauffeur on Oct 13, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Bravo!! BRAVO!!!

by Adrian "The Assassin" White on Oct 13, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

clap. clap. clap.

by Tolley Jenkins on Oct 13, 2008 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

All that needed was an appearance by Zakk Wylde.

by ClemsonHorn on Oct 13, 2008 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

The role of Jeff Bowden will be played by Daniel Craig after three weeks of trips to Golden Corral.

by Grimey on Oct 13, 2008 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

Of course it’s better than Cats! Notice the lack of Andrew Lloyd-Webber material in the post!

by Other Chris on Oct 13, 2008 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

Hey, wait a minute, bad Willy Korn photoshops are my bread and butter mannnnnnnnn.

http://www.block-c.com/category/ekr/

by Chili on Oct 13, 2008 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

Huzzah and kudos. Speechless

by Zone Left on Oct 13, 2008 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

That. Just. Happened.

by poguemahone on Oct 13, 2008 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

Trust me, Clemson, don’t hire the interim coach permanently. Trust me.

by Noel Devine's Gold Teef on Oct 13, 2008 2:55 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, was that you I saw wearing a UF jersey and jean shorts at the Les Mis show held at the Fox theatre two weeks ago?

Those weren’t real guns they were shooting. You shouldn’t have shot back.

by DrPeterV on Oct 13, 2008 2:55 PM EDT reply actions

Amazing.

by CStiger on Oct 13, 2008 2:55 PM EDT reply actions

I heard that if you turned out all the lights, and invoked the name of Willie Korn 3 times while in the bathroom with a flashlight shining on your face while looking in the mirror, you could make Tommy Bowden disappear…..Holy Shit! It works!!!
I can pair those lyrics with a multitude of Metallica songs…“Fade to Black” seems appropiate…….
The Tommy Bowden version of “The Express” would be called “The Excuse”………“You’re average, he’ll make you worse”

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 13, 2008 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

That is a think of beauty.

by CUvinny on Oct 13, 2008 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

rich rod will return to clemson to take the hc job…will get out of michigan buyout by claiming michigan reneged on deal by failing to complete stadium renovations before the toledo game

by steve on Oct 13, 2008 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

And speaking of Youtubeage with bad songs attached to it, gentlemen, I give you Clemson on probation highlights(they actually were good when they cheated):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfJ_WZuxaOA

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 13, 2008 3:06 PM EDT reply actions

I never thought I’d see the day – a Warhammer 40K miniature on a CFB blog. And it’s an old school Noise Marine to boot.

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d81/TheDarkApostle/other%20stuff/noisemarinsewithguitar.jpg

My worlds are colliding…

by Mark on Oct 13, 2008 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

Clemson fans spelling “consequence” right? The only flaw in this musical.

by hasuprotoss on Oct 13, 2008 3:20 PM EDT reply actions

I was wondering if Orson and Holly were like the NYT and had some obituaries written and ready to go at the demise, or if this was done with SEC speed at the news. Either way, excellent work!

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 13, 2008 3:20 PM EDT reply actions

Awesome beyond words. Cocktails to you, sir!

by jthomas666 on Oct 13, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

Mike Patrick thinks its better than Britney’s new single.

by Ted on Oct 13, 2008 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

FWIW,
Holly or Orson,
if you get the tune of Coldplays “Clocks” in you head, it matches up perfectly starting with the Jeff Bowden part….which would be fitting since Tommy Bowden is out of time…..“am I part of the cure or am I part of the disease”

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 13, 2008 3:29 PM EDT reply actions

And let me be the first to say, that future highlights of Wille Korn will be know as “Korn Porn”…carry on

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 13, 2008 3:32 PM EDT reply actions

I dont even like musicals, but THAT was good.

I even sang along.

by tzubear on Oct 13, 2008 3:35 PM EDT reply actions

looks like the fastest penis surgeon in the SEC helped ol’ lou get rid of his penis hookworms…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTA8HH-k-DI

GO GATORS

by J on Oct 13, 2008 3:36 PM EDT reply actions

@Crabapple—-Not a bad idea. And doing one ahead of time for Bill Stewart could be rrrrill therapeutic.

by Holly on Oct 13, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

You magnificent bastard. 100+ Cocktails to you, sir.

by EufaulaPete on Oct 13, 2008 3:39 PM EDT reply actions

Do Tuberville now! C’mon, do Tuberville, do Tuberville!

by Bobby Decatur on Oct 13, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

@26: Naw, that’s Castle on a Cloud from Les Miz — even the image works with it.

by Other Chris on Oct 13, 2008 3:41 PM EDT reply actions

@ 21 – Sharp eye there.

Les Miserables, Warhammer 40K, and college football. I am speechless.

by Bones Crosby on Oct 13, 2008 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

Holly -

I would think that the sure things this year are Greg Robinson and Ty Willingham. You should also have a ‘Bobby Petrino changes jobs’ post ready at all times. The best will be when Charlie Weis gets wacked. JoePa and Daddy Bowden should have real obits ready.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 13, 2008 3:57 PM EDT reply actions

Ahh, ahhhh, geek-high-culture overload AAHAHAFGHGHGHAHAGH!! head esplode

by MCab on Oct 13, 2008 3:57 PM EDT reply actions

No words can encapsulate the awesome involved in this.

Bravissimo! Encore! Encore!

by Signal to Noise on Oct 13, 2008 3:59 PM EDT reply actions

Tommy Bowden gets the Syracuse job, book it.

by John on Oct 13, 2008 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

Holy Crap, could you RIP OFF Block-C.com’s EXTREME KORN REPORT any MORE?!? At least link to the originators or something!

EKR!!!

by Pissed Off EKR Fan on Oct 13, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

We doubt you really understand the concept of plagiarism, Scalp ’Em, or realize that we recommended Block-C as essential reading today in SN Today, or that the Willy Korn joke started in a liveblog on Yahoo and spread here because of the awesomeness of the WKRs.

But sure. This is actually cut and pasted directly from Block-C! Especially the Les Miz parody! You got us!

by Orson Swindle on Oct 13, 2008 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

Dear Orson,

My Extremeness for the day overcame me… I was kidding… lighten up. :)

POEF

by Pissed Off EKR Fan on Oct 13, 2008 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

Great save, Scalp ’Em!

Although I’m glad we met you…a Clemson-Florida State hybrid is the greatest single walking argument for crib death I can imagine. You’re quite a specimen!

by Holly on Oct 13, 2008 4:29 PM EDT reply actions