PHAN-TOMMY OF THE OPERA

A darkened stage. One spotlight illuminates the darkness. Tinkly piano music begins to waft up from the orchestra pit.

TOMMY BOWDEN:

Momma...just killed a team
Took a championship squad
Lost to Bama, shot my wad...

Momma....the season's just beguuuun...
But now I've gone and throooown it aaaaallll awaaaay...

Mommaaa----

SKEERRREEEEECHHHHHH!!!!

The sound of a needle coming off the record. Bowden looks around with a confused look on his face. From the back of the stage comes thundering guitar and a crowd of people surrounding a blonde-headed guitar god on a pile of skulls.

THE WILLY KORN MAFIA: YOU! STOP THERE!

Massive guitar riffs crash in. A soloist steps forward. He is THE ANGRY CLEMSON FAN.

ACF: You went to Atlanta, shit the-

WILLY KORN MAFIA: BED BED BED!

ACF: Had visions of bowl games, now we're--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!

ACF: Ralph Friedgen eats too much--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: BREAD BREAD BREAD!!!

ACF: And he still beat us, now we're---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: FED FED FED!

ACF: Up....

Bringin' it down now. Slow piano shuffle...

TOMMY BOWDEN:

Don't blame me,
Cullen Harper couldnt' pass!
Don't blame me if he
Had his head up his ass.

I'm just a victim of consequence
Don't blame me
Blame Rob Spence!

CHORUS:

He's just a victim of consequence, of consequence, of consequence....
We'll blame the quarterback, the offensive line and Coach Rod Spence

Don't blame Tommy--
BLAME C-O-N-S-E-Q-U-E-N-C-E

CON-SE-QUEEEEEEEEEENCE!!!

Blaring drums and guitar thump back up from the pit. dumdumdumdumdumDUMDUMDUMDUMTHUMPTHUMPATHUMPATHUMPA

ACF: You stuck at 8-5 and we're--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: PISSED PISSED PISSED!!!

ACF: Picked for the title and you--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: MISSED MISSED MISSED!!!

ACF: All that booster ass that you---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: KISSED KISSED KISSED!!!

ACF: Don't matter now that you've made the

WILLY KORN MAFIA: SHIT SHIT SHIT---

ACF: Liiiiiiiiiiiist.....

Bringin' it down one last time before the finale...piano...

Tommy Bowden: No...it can't be....Jeff?

Jeff Bowden:

Up here it's peaceful
With nary a care,
Brother come join me
Up here in the air

In coaching heaven
There's no bloggers or press
No recruits to badger
No contracts, no stress

The back nine is waiting
The beer's always cold
Have you played this Wii thing?
It's awesome.

Seriously, you know, I always thought video games were just for kids, but since I don't have to work anymore I....

THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA ROCK!

WILLY KORN MAFIA: YOU GOTTA GO!!!

Tommy: But I promised recruits carries...

ACF: Tommy can you hear me hope you can 'cause you know you gotta--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: GO!!!

Tommy: But I've got this pesky buyout and you'll--

WILLY KORN MAFIA: GO!!!

Tommy: But the people---

WILLY KORN MAFIA: LISTEN TO THEM, TOMMY!!!

CLEMSON FANS, EN CHORALE:

Do you hear the Tigers sing?
Singing a song of 8-5,
It is the music of a people
Whose team is in nose dive,

When your team is paralyzed
By your bitch mentality
Four million dollars to send you home
Is a paltry feeeeeee!!!

Will you hire Will Muschamp?
Will you just play want and see?
Beyond the Music City Bowl
Is there life in the ACC?

To fight
for the right
To play
In a bowl game someone wants to seeeeee?

ALL:

WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?
WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME?
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE'S A COACH WHO'LL GIVE THE BACKS
THE CARRIES TO SUCCEED!!!

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
C-L-E-M-S-O- (PAUSE) N!
WHATEVER HAPPENS PLEASE DON'T LET US
LOSE TO WAKE FOREST AGAIN!!!!

AAAAHHHH!!!

AHHH!!!!!

LOSE TO WAKE FO-REST AAA-----GAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!!

Tommy Bowden: Fuck all y'all.

Cullen Harper: You deserved it.

FIN

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