ASK AN OHIO STATE FAN
by Orson on Oct 7, 2008 3:00 PM EDT
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O-H!From time to time we like to invite a member of the Ohio State Fanbase to comment on their team's campaign thus far in 2008. Today, we present Kevin Banks of Columbus, Ohio, a diehard Buckeye fan and guest contributor to EDSBS. Enjoy.
I had to come on today because we have kind of a crisis in the Buckeye nation, and I want to address it head on and just come out and hit it in the mouth, because that's what we do at THE Ohio State University. We hit the shrugs and the weights and we then we hit people in the mouth like Andy Katzenmoyer. Just like I'm about to hit this red-hot topic right in the mouth like its name was Mike Hart.
Are you ready? Are you ready Ow-WAH-AH-AH-AH!!!! Get down with this sickness, Buckeye:
THE PISTOL FORMATION ISN'T GAY.
Can you feel that? Oh shit, there, I said it.
It started gay, sure. A lot of good things start gay. Like hair product, for example. I don't hit the town without putting some shit in my hair to make sure I'm looking good, and it sure as hell isn't my grandfather's leftover airplane engine grease from World War Two. That shit catches flies in it.
No, I use a little bit of gel, which if you're honest with yourself, is something that started with the gays.
See, they're like pioneers. Pioneers who try stuff so you don't have to look stupid. When you see something you like, you take it from them, and then bang-o, they've gotta go try something new, because they don't want to be confused for poon-wreckin' sex hound like me, because I'm into women, and they're into dudes.
Also, they're like pioneers because they like cowboys and wearing leather. There's a lotta them out West, which explains my main point: the Pistol was gay, because it came from the WAC, which is nine times of Nancy-dancin' Scissor Sisters gay. All of 'em. Hawaii? Shirtless guy in a dress. Boise State? Buuu-rokeback! San Jose State? They're the Trojans. That's all you need to know, right there: THIS IS SPERM-TA! Up top! YEAH!
There's other teams, and they're all gay, too. But one of them thought up the Pistol, which was totally gay until Ohio State manned up and covered it in AXE body spray and got the bitches running. Just look at the old one:
The running back and quarterback practically start in a game of San Fran Leapfrog. I just wanna leave the two of them alone for some private time. We'll just be in the next room guys, and if you'd play some Cher to cover the noise, we'd appreciate it. That formation is clearly the gayest thing I've ever seen that doesn't actually involve two dudes fucking. Which I've never seen. Because I like chicks, and not dudes.
Whatever. I don't judge. All I know is that Tressel saw through the fog of Chanel for Men and thought: "Maybe I can totally ungay this by making this package un-gay with Terrelle Pryor and Beanie Wells, which would be the manliest thing ever."
See the difference?
If you hear something at your door, it's a nude woman ready to go and hump it up with this scheme. There's three dudes in the backfield now, meaning it's like the extremely straight I-formation, but all bent up like a crooked dick. Some chicks really like those, so it's all good and hetero. Also, twins right with a tight end. AND TWINS!!! YEEESSSS!!! Nothing's straighter than twins, and I think you know what I MEAN!!!!
See, there's an accredited process here. Something's gay, which is cool, and I'm not judging or anything, even though I like chicks. More for me, man. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, then someone in power or cool or famous takes something exclusively gay like the Pistol and turns it into something ungay like the Pryor pistol, which by the way whipped some Badger ass on Saturday. Suck it, Wisconsin.
See, take this example:
Before: Gayer than spending Christmas in Cockstown, Republic of Manassistan:
Hold it, though: we're about to reverse polarity here.
After: BOOM! What's the sound of 45,000 pairs of panties exploding all at once? THIS:
I'm ordering one in scarlet foil as we speak, and it's gonna get me more ass than a toilet seat at fat camp. Woman ass, that is.
O-H! I-O!
OUT!
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Was Subcommandante Wayne stuck in his mom’s basement, errrr, unavailable?
by Raider Red on Oct 7, 2008 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
cut the sleeves off that jacket, and he might wear it.
by bj on Oct 7, 2008 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
So, Fred Durst jumped on the Ohio State bandwagon. Good to know.
by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Oct 7, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
Buckeye: "I’m not gay, I swear! Just because I take it in the ass at least once a year after telling everyone how legit we are and that we will be the one’s pitching this time DOES NOT MAKE ME GAY!!!’
Uhhh… we, on the other hand, think you are all natural catchers and are actually starting to like it
by TheMightyErik on Oct 7, 2008 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
The Subcommandante was unavailable as his lameass mom hasn’t paid the phone bill yet.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 7, 2008 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
Thooooo….when you go out with your hair gel in, where do you go? What do you do? Do you danthe, laugh, cry? What are your fearth? your joyth? Where doeth your laughter come from? What do your tearthe tathte of? I want to know you. I want to thee ur pithtol formation.
by Derk on Oct 7, 2008 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
Methinks the dude doth protest too much, brah.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 7, 2008 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
Fred Durst was born in NC and did his “growing up” whilst beginning his “rapping career” in Jacksonville Florida, all heart of ESS EEE SEE country…
I only bring this up, because classifying all Buckeye fans as overcompensating closeted homosexuals is one thing….but linking us to Fred Durst??? Fuck you, man….
by Pants McPants on Oct 7, 2008 3:25 PM EDT reply actions
pants,
We also gave you Lynyrd Skynyrd and Pat Boone. I guess I’ll go ahead and blame .38 Special on Jacksonville too. You’re welcome.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 7, 2008 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
The gays are not accepting Ohio State fans at this time, btw. I checked.
by Holly on Oct 7, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions
@Xaryn – we all LIKE women. Only some of us sleep with them, though.
@Pants: + a cocktail.
by GamecockTony on Oct 7, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions
All this talk of panties and twins and now I’m going to need some alone time.
by Man from Canuckistan on Oct 7, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
Terrelle loves it when there’s another boy in his backfield.
by NativeSon on Oct 7, 2008 3:42 PM EDT reply actions
Where this parody goes off the rails is the mention of the Scissors Sisters. No dude in Ohio knows who that group is. Replace it with N’Sync and you get a less funny, but entirely more believable piece.
by SDF Fan on Oct 7, 2008 3:46 PM EDT reply actions
If anyone in Columbus has heard of the Scissor Sisters, then they’re officially has-beens.
(This a corollary to my long-held investment strategy idea of finding out which “hot” retail trend finally made it to the Lima Mall — and then shorting the stock.)
by DevilGrad on Oct 7, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
That jacket would go nice with my teef.
by Noel Devine's Gold Teef on Oct 7, 2008 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
orson’s just having a hard time wrapping his mind around a team with two capable running backs, which is understandable for a florida fan, especially considering the concept of a team with even one is giving them fits
by bup bup bup on Oct 7, 2008 4:08 PM EDT reply actions
With that jacket, I can communicate with E.T…….without the Speak and Spell.
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 7, 2008 4:09 PM EDT reply actions
If you have sex with your clone, does that make you gay, or is it just a really elaborate form of masturbation?
by vegas_buckeye on Oct 7, 2008 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
Fred Durst didn’t sing down with the sickness, Disturbed did. But Fred is a penis.
by Shane on Oct 7, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
Remember, it is ok to have sex with your doppleganger, but you must kill them afterwards. You know, it’d get akward between you two . . . and it might believe it’s human.
by That 5.0 Guy on Oct 7, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
@13 and 27 — Isn’t that Fred in the picture?
by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Oct 7, 2008 4:33 PM EDT reply actions
If some one asks you if you are “down with the sickness,” no matter what you think you should say, the answer is always a resounding, “Yes, sir.”
by ChasingMizzou on Oct 7, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
For the record, Chris Ault, HC @ Nevada invented ‘the pistol’. Boise State runs a similar set, called ‘the Q’. I’m going to go ahead and say that the ‘Buckeye Pistol’ is gayer than a bag full of Elton John’s penises. The true pistol doesn’t need an extra running back in the backfield, because every other team that runs it also has a quarterback that can throw the ball (novel concept), unlike Vince Young Jr. Hey, they do have more in common than wanting to man up the gloryhole in the bathroom at Nelson Park!
by Blue Turf on Oct 7, 2008 5:40 PM EDT reply actions
“the Pistol was gay, because it came from the WAC, which is nine times of Nancy-dancin Scissor Sisters gay. All of em.”
Big 10 fan calling the WAC gay? I present BCS game win% of both conferences, all time:
WAC
.500
Big Ten
.471
“like the Pryor pistol, which by the way whipped some Badger ass on Saturday. Suck it, Wisconsin.”
20-17…over a team that has beat a quarter of the MAC and lost to Michigan. Nice body of work.
Buckeyes suck. Good day.
by gindole on Oct 7, 2008 5:46 PM EDT reply actions
As a Michigan fan who hates everything about Ohio St…this shit was awesome. Totally not gay at all. Not that there’s anything wrong w/ that
by Big Lund on Oct 7, 2008 5:55 PM EDT reply actions
this was absolutely terrible, every joke sucked, stop fucking writing please
jesus christ
by WOW on Oct 7, 2008 6:15 PM EDT reply actions
O-
Thanks for clearing that up. It’s something that’s always bothered me.
Now, where’d that clone run off to? daddy’s feelin randy.
by vegas_buckeye on Oct 7, 2008 6:21 PM EDT reply actions
You do realize Columbus has the largest population of homosexuals in the Midwest (outside of Chicaaaago), and highest per capita outside of San Francisco right? We’re swimming in sequins and fabulous here.
by AgnosticTheocrat on Oct 7, 2008 6:34 PM EDT reply actions
I reiterate that there is no way Orson hasn’t been to central Ohio. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you fully 90% of white males in the greater Columbus Area between the ages of 18 and 30.
After the 30 the baseball cap flips around to the front and that’s about all that changes.
by poguemahone on Oct 7, 2008 6:34 PM EDT reply actions
pffft, Axe body spray. we would never be caught dead with that, its still gay.
Old Spice, ftw.
Stuntin’ like our daddies. and granddaddies.
by db on Oct 7, 2008 7:22 PM EDT reply actions
db – I concur. Old Spice is a good way to go… or if you really want to hetero it up consider… Mandom.
by Hokie Andrew on Oct 7, 2008 7:47 PM EDT reply actions
More proof that 11warriors is nastier than a Wisconsin band/dairy cow orgy (rotten cheese vaginanitis struck tOSU the 1st half).
Great read boys!
by Brutus43 on Oct 7, 2008 8:03 PM EDT reply actions
Fact-check: San Jose State is actually the Spartans, not Trojans. Still gay though.
Carry on.
by chickensupernova on Oct 8, 2008 7:32 AM EDT reply actions
Biggus Rickus, Ohio actually gave you someone worth while, like David Allen Coe, who totally trumps Skynaaard man! Coe would have like homeless dumpsters full of Columbian after the show!
Oh and the WAC is completely gay. Good luck riding the Boise St. win over Choklahoma. We saw what Georgia did to Hawaii!
by Tricky Dick on Oct 8, 2008 8:19 AM EDT reply actions
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