ALL HAIL ASSMANN
by Orson on Oct 7, 2008 10:03 AM EDT
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Really? Yes? This is happening? He saddles up: shoulder pads, kneebrace, helmet. He reviews his playbook, the script for the first fifteen plays, and takes a quiet knee to collect his thoughts and ask God for protection and the wisdom to make the right decisions on the field. He rises, and the click-clack of his cleats against the concrete floor are his metronome: the symphony is about to begin.
He takes the stand, a conductor in full possession of his powers. Assmann, ready to go.
Capital quarterback Marty Assmann and Ohio State backup quarterback Todd Boeckman are total strangers, but they should do lunch sometime. Chances are the conversation wouldn't have to start with the weather.
The conversation would probably begin: "Holy shit! You're name is ASSMANN? YES!!! (fistpump/awkwardmoment)" Because his name really is Assmann, and he plays quarterback for Capital University, a D-III Evangelical Lutheran school in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Assmann is the second-leading passer in the Ohio Athletic Conference, and is totally and completely actually named Assmann.
Capital University, if you make the jersey, we will buy it...so long as it's made with the Original Assmann Quality we've come to expect from all things Assmann. You don't want to ruin a fine name like that. Like Assmann. Assmann. (Giggle.)
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I got recruited to play at Capital, at least until my slothful ass let my grades drop and I didn’t qualify, and it is a D-U-M-P. The weight room was a dank two-car garage and the field was about the same quality you’d find at a municipal park. Had I gotten the chance to play with Assmann however, none of that would have mattered.
by Harris on Oct 7, 2008 10:11 AM EDT reply actions
one fer MA BOY! he damn whale bater grown up to be an Assman like he’s Diddy.
by pp on Oct 7, 2008 10:13 AM EDT reply actions
OK, I guess. As long as he doesn’t “stop short” with Boeckman.
by beast in 'bama on Oct 7, 2008 10:14 AM EDT reply actions
“Last season was supposed to be Assmann’s coming-out party.”
Nice
by RedDawg on Oct 7, 2008 10:15 AM EDT reply actions
Who would want to go through life with that last name? Someone should tell Marty that he can get his name changed. Maybe we should start a charity drive to help him with the court and attorney fees? Our good deed for CF for the year?
by blon on Oct 7, 2008 10:19 AM EDT reply actions
I hear his father Richard N. Assmann was a hell of a QB in his day
by t on Oct 7, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions
@8
The name is not so bad… the last “n” is silent
by CrimsonBarrister on Oct 7, 2008 10:29 AM EDT reply actions
Am I the only one who remembers Dick Assman from Letterman back in the early 90s?
He was the manager of a PetroCanada station in Regina, SK.
by PeteJayhawk on Oct 7, 2008 10:32 AM EDT reply actions
Marty has 1,300 friends on FB. 1,300! and a friend request from the skinnyphatman. Fingers crossed for acceptance.
by skinnyphatman on Oct 7, 2008 10:35 AM EDT reply actions
“Sir what are you doing you can’t park here!”
“Dr. Cosmo Kramer [points] proctology.”
“My mistake!”
by Brian on Oct 7, 2008 10:43 AM EDT reply actions
@11
One of the great Letterman moments of all time, Paul Schaffer telling Dave “I don’t know any ass men, myself.”
Riiiiiiight.
by Flatlander on Oct 7, 2008 10:56 AM EDT reply actions
No where near as bad as Asswipe, even though it is pronounced As-we-pay.
by Unhappy Monkey on Oct 7, 2008 11:24 AM EDT reply actions
@2
Actually, Cap’s facilities are freaking palaces now—they did a major renovation (with local Bexley taxes helping out—thanks, Mayor ^%$#@ Madison) a few years ago. The field is now the same field turf that they have at OSU; the weightroom is very, very nice. Sorry you missed out on them.
by Dawg on Oct 7, 2008 11:25 AM EDT reply actions
Didn’t Letterman have a whole segment dedicated to some guy named Dick Assman a few years back? That was just cheeky.
(Horrible, I know.)
by gatorphunk on Oct 7, 2008 11:38 AM EDT reply actions
Best. Name. Evar.
The real question is: How does the play-by-play guy stop from giggling every time he has to say Assmann? (Maybe the answer is: He’s Pam Ward?)
by Sgt. Barwis's Beatdown Brigade on Oct 7, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions
My brother played travel ball with Marty when they were kids- he and his brother went to Bishop Hartley, where we beat up on them for four years- they pronounce it “Ahz-min”, but everyone called him Ass-man.
The one that QBs at Capital is OK, his brother and dad are douchebags.
by MikeLew on Oct 7, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
My parents hail from Pierre, South Dakota, a dumpy little town whose only redeeming qualities are the access to prime pheasant hunting and that it was somehow chosen as the state capital. Coming into town on Hwy 14, one of the major thoroughfares, there is a large sign for a business called “Assman Farm Service & Shop Supply,” which totally fits the backwater feel of Pierre. I can’t imagine how many times that sign has been stolen.
The Assman family is also involved in a liquor distribution business in Pierre, but they unfortunately they didn’t name it “Assman Liquor”… the unintentional (or intentional) comedy scale might have broken with that one.
by Double Eagle on Oct 7, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
@10 Great line!
Bet Marty does a great Freddy Mercury and who can argue with that!
by croc on Oct 7, 2008 8:46 PM EDT reply actions
Late yes, but while researching the ruins at Mehanjo-Daro in Pakistan this evening, I came upon a Mr……
K. N. Dikshit
Archaeologist who was involved in the uncovering of said ruins. I had to bring it back here.
by Kecalf Bailey on Oct 8, 2008 3:25 AM EDT reply actions
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