BILL STEWART: PLATYPUS SWISS ARMY KNIFE COACH

by Orson on Oct 1, 2008 3:26 PM EDT

Bill Stewart "jumbo shrimps" himself when discussing the insertion of Jarrett Brown into multiple spots in the offense:

"I'm the biggest conservative in the world, but yet I have enough riverboat gambler in me to go for it," head coach Bill Stewart said of putting Brown in those different roles.

Stewart is a conservative riverboat gambler. He's also a true cynic with a heart of gold, a thinker with an impulsive barbarian's heart, and a man with a woman's emotional sensibilities, which is why he's mad at Pat White, but says he's fine, just fine. He'll double down, up the ante, and then fold just to be safe. He'll push that envelope, take it just to the redline, see the checkered flag come out, and then power down just to be safe. He sometimes uses a safety razor to cut the throats of this enemies. He's a vegetarian who's not afraid to order a steak once and a while. Don't box him in with your petty little logic-prisons. He's drinking decaf with his meth, and there's nothing you can do to stop him from doing it.

He's a platypus mated with a swiss army knife crossed with a cyborg peacock, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

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You have to admit it’ll be tough to figure out what his next move might be: handoff to Noel Devine up the middle, or triple-reverse flea-flicker White to Devine to Brown to Sanders back to White downfield to an eligible tackle?

The possibilities are endless.

by Um, no really -- on Oct 1, 2008 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

you also have no idea if hes playing for OT or going for the win…. the mass confusion he creates is used to help throw the defense off-guard…

by beckett929 on Oct 1, 2008 4:11 PM EDT reply actions

don’t worry…Coach Stewart has hired Tony Franklin to straighten out his mess

by InsaneCoachPosse on Oct 1, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

Hes a platypus mated with a swiss army knife crossed with a cyborg peacock with a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR BUYOUT.

by Holly on Oct 1, 2008 4:29 PM EDT reply actions

Sure wish someone would pay me big bucks to suck at my job. Even though he hasn’t hit the ‘Fat Charlie’ level yet he does have that ‘I think I just farted hot yogurt in my drawers’ look on his face like Weis does on most Saturdays.

by TheMightyErik on Oct 1, 2008 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

Bill Stewart: the industry leader in decisive indecisiveness, PERIOD.

by David Puddy on Oct 1, 2008 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

It will be interesting to watch the 2,000,000 West Virginians who became legal experts during the RR buyout discuss why Stewart should not get his $4,000,000.

by maskedavenger on Oct 1, 2008 5:35 PM EDT reply actions

If he doesn’t know how to call a timeout, we can just just pay his buyout in Monopoly money and he’d be none the wiser. I’m already dreading what Auburn will do to the old gambler.

by montani semper liberi on Oct 1, 2008 6:03 PM EDT reply actions

Ya cant box him in….He makes Jesco White do the Soldier Boy while listening to Mozart…….he drinks Diet Coke with a Triple Baconator Thickburger w/cheese combo…..He sleeps while standing up, dreams of overtime…….

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Oct 1, 2008 6:20 PM EDT reply actions

Cyborg peacock? Why not just robot chicken?

by Jube0 on Oct 1, 2008 6:30 PM EDT reply actions

So what you’re saying is, Bill Stewart is an egg-laying mammal? Somehow I’m not surprised.

by WarCardinals on Oct 1, 2008 9:09 PM EDT reply actions

“but yet…”

Sigh. Bill Stewart, I keep 2 lists of people for my coming reign over the world, and you just made the wrong one.

by domer.mq on Oct 1, 2008 9:58 PM EDT reply actions

I know you all despise charlie wise, but he never had clock management problems…nor the sense to send his FG kicker out when the chances are less than 10% said kicker will make it—WHATEVER the distance. (anchors away!) also, due to my magnanimous nature, i will share the fact that if you DO hate him now, you aint hated nothin’ yet. (the dingo-saurus “ate your baby!”) as in CW and the Irish are about “engulf” the collegiate landscape. this year is a test run, next year hide the woman and children. (not that it will do you poor, pathetic souls any good) no, no—that okay…no thanks necessary. just consider me an early detection system.

by patty-pat-pat on Oct 2, 2008 6:52 AM EDT reply actions