Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Louisiana Tech versus Boise State. The historical rivalry continues. Remember, men died in this rivalry, grown ones with children and beards, so respect this rivalry for what it is: a cross-country WAC showdown between two teams who’ve sort of kinda hated each other since July 1, 2001. Don’t disrespect seven years of mild distaste like we know you want to, philistine. Boise State keeps them corks poppin’.
From the Pillblogger, who helpfully watermarked that superb image.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For Boise State, it would be 100, the number of victories that a win tonight over Louisiana State would give them on the Smurf Turf, a number that won’t matter a bit if they don’t strap it on and get out there and play like their asses are on fire! [/coachspeak'd]
Another number: Kellen Moore, 7, or his rank in terms of passing efficiency nationally. (more…)
“I’m the biggest conservative in the world, but yet I have enough riverboat gambler in me to go for it,” head coach Bill Stewart said of putting Brown in those different roles.
Stewart is a conservative riverboat gambler. He’s also a true cynic with a heart of gold, a thinker with an impulsive barbarian’s heart, and a man with a woman’s emotional sensibilities, which is why he’s mad at Pat White, but says he’s fine, just fine. He’ll double down, up the ante, and then fold just to be safe. He’ll push that envelope, take it just to the redline, see the checkered flag come out, and then power down just to be safe. He sometimes uses a safety razor to cut the throats of this enemies. He’s a vegetarian who’s not afraid to order a steak once and a while. Don’t box him in with your petty little logic-prisons. He’s drinking decaf with his meth, and there’s nothing you can do to stop him from doing it.
He’s a platypus mated with a swiss army knife crossed with a cyborg peacock, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is all the sex you want over at the EDSBS Champagne Room. It’s like Twitter in that it’s a place to drop links, tips, and chat in 150 character bursts with the fellow members of the commentariat. Unlike Twitter, it could be very, very useful if you happen to like football and only football in this bitter hammer fight of a world of ours.
Also, don’t believe what you hear: there’s all the sex you can handle in the Champagne room. Just register, login, and WHAMMO. Sex. We promise. And now, the obligatory clip to accompany such an announcement.
The Tony Franklin spread came to Auburn, a misbegotten experiment that in the process of teleportation from Troy to Auburn somehow acquired fly DNA along the way, and then began losing body parts until it became a raving, useless mass of receivers dancing 3 yard cha-cha routes and a quarterback lofting fungo-balls into the secondary. It was begging to be put out of its obvious misery, even with all the shiny Fred McGriff endorsements.
What you’re doing there? Yes, see, the problem is that it sucks.
“We don’t run Tony Franklin’s spread offense,” Tuberville said. “This is Auburn’s offense. It’s like our defense. We’re going to run what works and what we’re going to match up better with the other team. Everybody has to do that. You can’t put a square peg in a round hole. Why would you do that?”
Auburn is currently 90th in the nation in total offense and 97th in passing, the backbone of Franklin’s spread, so it’s a mercy killing at this point. Their imminent switch to a more “Auburn fan-friendly” offense includes something called “the War Eagle” formation, which we’ll guess is just the Wildhogrebel, but run with Mario Fannin, and does not involve anything so vulgar as passing more than one out of every ten snaps. Given that Ole Miss averages damn near nine yards a snap with the formation DAMMIT SHIT DAMMIT SHITFIRE DAMMIT, why not copy America’s favorite aggravating high school formation gone feral?
Suspenders, exploded. Well, that was fun. Don’t come to Murfreesboro and expect NOT TO GET KILLED. That’s how they do.
Audio’s out of sync, but the gist of what happened is clear enough here:
Them Midgetzz is HOTT. Mike Belotti has seen the template for beating USC, and it represents the lollipop guild and goes around chanting ONE OF US! ONE OF US! USC’s silver bullet: huge offensive lines, teeny eensy weensy snack-sized running back:
“I thought Oregon State attacked them pretty well,” Bellotti said. ” ‘Quizz Rodgers, in all honesty, it was unbelievable how he got through some of those holes.”
The Ducks don’t employ the same schemes as Oregon State and don’t have a 5-foot-7 starting back who can sneak through narrow spaces.
The quick search for an iBack Nano will continue in local middle schools and circuses throughout the remainder of the week and through Saturday morning.
The Shoot and Shoot. SMU’s Run ‘n Shoot offense is 119th in D-1 rushing stats, meaning it is not only inaccurately named, but that you can look forward to their quarterback living the Colt Brennan experience versus UCF this weekend. (You know how hard George O’Leary likes to run his defense–oh, heavens. Redact! Redact!)
Illinois is meh to the max. Illinois’ pre-season expectations were mixed to optimistic, and thus far the season has been mainly mixed. Juice Williams hasn’t been as errant as some (pointing toward self) thought he might be, and Brit Miller is averaging 11 tackles a game…but there’s defensive gaps-a-plenty in the secondary, the passing game hasn’t completely picked up the slack, and special teams (a [NAME REDACTED] specialty in his career as an assistant) have been mediocre.
Take their random performance thus far and mix it with a gawky adolescent of a Michigan team, and the game Saturday could be one of the more bizarre, herky-jerky playscripts of the year. And a blocked punt! And a fumble! And a lateral, which is then passed…forward? Wait…
First in scoring defense….Kentucky. Chris Low points out your latest sign of impending blood rain: not only is Vanderbilt hosting Gameday and leading the SEC East, but Kentucky leads the nation in scoring defense. Myron “Rerun” Pryor in the middle is a dual figurative/literal factor in this, but they’re solid all over, and being injury-free will give Alabama their biggest challenge yet across the lines. (Georgia gets a flyer for injuries and a sudden wafting over of the infectious Tommy Bowden Bitch Mentality from Clemson for a half. Damn those Low Country coastal wind patterns.)
Give him ass cancer and death. EDSBS Parnassus resident P.J. O’Rourke has cancer of the ass, and will likely recover, but kind thoughts and boozy hat tips sent his way anyway from us. As you can see, the best part about writing about your own hypothetical death is that no one has the balls to edit you. Gusty and lusty, baby!
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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