The weekend’s agenda:

ORSON (JAX):
WLOCP, Live
Texas @ Texas Tech, via some manner of bar television

HOLLY (undisclosed South Carolina-ish beach location):
WFV @ UConn
Florida vs. Georgia
Oregon @ Cal
Tennessee @ South Carolina
Texas @ Texas Tech
Arizona State @ Oregon State

Ron Paul:  Orbiting the Cocktail Party in his trusty dirigible nouveau, and wondering who, exactly, is PAYING for all these cocktails?  THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE THE TRUTH. And a return to the gold standard. This message approved by Ron Paul, who thinks you should have to pay for air.

And you, sirs?  Agendas, empty threats from actual Ron Paul voters (I know you exist), and preliminary smack talk below.  Happy Halloween.

Wisconsin @ #21 Michigan State

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: It would be intellectual dishonesty to say that these are anything but two perfectly average teams playing perfectly average football: numbers do not lie in either case. Wisconsin in particular has little to say about suddenly changing a game in either direction; they don’t pick off passes, they don’t change games with special teams, and they can be dick-deficient in the passing game. Michigan State is at home, and therefore will likely win in a game reminding you of everything bad about Big Ten Football (to wit: ACC football, but colder.)
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: My streak of picking coaches for their perfectly trapezoid-shaped heads ends with you, Bieleieleielma. Spartans.

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This is the movie we’d like to watch this weekend.

A quiet farmhouse in the southeast corner of Georgia. Crickets do not chirp in the dead air of a tepid evening.

MARK RICHT stands on the porch with his quarterback MATT STAFFORD.

MR: Coming here was a great idea, Matt.

MS: Yup, coach.

MR: Just a quiet place to get the team away from the craziness in Jacksonville. And only one bridge to get in and out of this island! Crazy, isn’t it? No one will be able to bother us here.

MS: Nope, coach. ‘Specially since I blew up the bridge on the way in. (more…)

We would also like to say that on this DAY OF HORROR that you should let the dead rise yourself and submit your own cocktail party memories below. For example, perhaps this was you:

If it was, please feel free to share the story of how, if at all, you regrew your dignity after biting a woman’s boob in public, or after soiling yourself in public, or soiling a woman’s boob in the parking lot.

Please note the new poll question for the Cocktail Party. Our bet: Godzillabillion.

Doc Saturday gives superb blog on the Meaningless Revenge Classic in Fayetteville between Tulsa and Arkansas. Gus Malzahn can get revenge on a team he never really got to coach against a coach he bears no unique or special animus towards: now that’s a storyline!

Tulsa, your opponent for week eight is…

That said, it is the only real shot Tulsa has at doing anything close to bolstering an anemic schedule that included:

Aug 30 at UAB W 45-22 1-0 (1-0)

Sept. 6, 2008 at North Texas W 56-26 2-0

Sept. 20, 2008 New Mexico W 56-14 3-0

Sept. 27, 2008 11 Piece Dinette Set W 62-34 4-0

Oct. 4, 2008 Rice (CSTV) W 63-28 5-0 (2-0)

Oct. 11, 2008 at Gallaudet W 37-31 6-0 (3-0)

Oct. 18, 2008 Texas-El Paso W 77-35 7-0 (4-0)

Oct. 26, 2008 Herd of stray dogs (Humane Society Benefit) W 49-19 8-0 (5-0)

Nov. 1, 2008 at Arkansas 1:00 pm CT

Nov. 15, 2008 at Houston 4:00 pm CT

Nov. 22, 2008 Tulane 2:00 pm CT

Nov. 29, 2008 at Marshall

Todd Graham plans to beef up the schedule for next year by taking another coaching job and playing their schedule instead, which is a much easier way to do it rather than actually having to do all that work of calling people and juggling calendars.

Where to eat: A tired habit of those trouncing Jacksonville’s culinary tastes is to cite the frequency of Waffle Houses. This is a northeastern nabob’s crutch, as most any large city in the Southeast boasts a Waffle House, the yellow and black-trimmed phenomenon offering up fresh ingredients at ruthlessly low prices. Jacksonville is not alone in this; in fact, Atlanta, Birmingham, Nashville, and Charlotte all have large numbers of Waffle Houses. (Fun note: there are not two, but three Waffle Houses in Titans TE Alge Crumpler’s large intestine alone.)

Instead, this guide would like to focus on the little-mentioned pleasures of Jacksonville’s lesser-known family restaurants. Like this one, for example:

They have the most innovative little dish there that you might want to try: the “Riblet.” We’ve often found that the most frustrating part of eating ribs isn’t the mess they make, but all of the pesky chewing. Throw in the persistent reminder that you’re eating something that was once an animal, and the pleasant illusion of penalty-free meat-cake evaporates. It’s like having sex with a woman who has pubic hair, and who does that?!? NOT US BRAH UP TOP [/pound]

Instead, they take some part of a pig and compress it into little planks that they then batter fry and coat with barbecue glaze. We don’t know what part of a pig, really: the ass, the actual asshole, the pre-ass and the peri-ass, we’re pretty sure they’re all represented in force. Whatever. Take away the similarity to any actual animal and those things start going down like congressional pages during recommendation letter season.

It’s as authentic a Jacksonville treat as 2 for 1 daquiris on Tuesday night, and a great way to ensure the bare minimum of roommates crashing in your hotel. After you scream out a foul cannonade of toxic Riblet remnants blended with the Tuscan cheese sampler and two whole baskets of nacho chips, you should kill half of them within 20 feet of the blast zone, anyway. The rest will likely seek shelter elsewhere.

This message brought to you by EDSBS, who is seriously considering eating lunch tomorrow at a strip club due to lack of quality restaurant recommendations in Jax.

If you are planning to travel to the World’s Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy, here are a few important tips for the intrepid traveler looking to get to Jacksonville and maximize their fan experience.

How to Get There: You may fly into Jacksonville International Airport, a lovely airport by any standards. For the seasoned traveler, this should give you great pause on the way in, since there is an inverse relationship between the likeability of an city’s airport and the city itself (New York/Any surrounding airport, Paris/CDG, LA/LAX, or London/Heathrow.)

You may also drive, as I-95 and I-10 both run through the River City, but don’t feel limited by roads. To experience Jacksonville properly, drive wherever you like and at any speed. For all intents and purposes, the entire county and city (one and the same by zoning) constitute one uniform space for public traffic. Any and all buildings are considered part of the roadway, and therefore must yield to oncoming traffic.

Feel free to meet the denizens of Duval county the up close and personal way: by driving into their living rooms. You’ll be simultaneously improving the landscape and architecture of the city and making new friends all at the same time just like the locals do.

This is perfectly legal, and will stand up in any court in the land!*

This message brought to you by EDSBS, who doesn’t understand what or why Jacksonville is, and never has.

*Not vetted by any lawyer or legal authority.

Le object: The Colt McCoy commercial for a Texas pharmacy, done before he signed with the University of Texas and therefore not in conflict with any NCAA regs. Examine:

Le deconstruction:

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