SPEC-TAC-U-LAR
It’s the weirdest thing.
I feel like I’ve been in a coma for fifteen days…and I’m just now waking up.
Spec-tac-u-lar.
RE-MATCH! RE-MATCH! RE-MATCH! RE-MATCH! RE-MATCH!
September 29, 2008
BLOGPOLL DRAFT, WEEK FIVE: STOIC EDITION
The Blogpoll! Which makes more sense this week than it did last week thanks to the undeniable stink of losing permeating the defenestrated top ten. Apologies and explanations follow below.
| Rank | Team | Delta |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma |  4 |
| 2 | Alabama | 6 |
| 3 | Penn State | 3 |
| 4 | LSU |  1 |
| 5 | Texas | 7 |
| 6 | Missouri | 1 |
| 7 | South Florida | 4 |
| 8 | Brigham Young | 2 |
| 9 | Georgia | 7 |
| 10 | Southern Cal | 9 |
| 11 | Utah | 8 |
| 12 | Auburn | 2 |
| 13 | Vanderbilt | 11 |
| 14 | Kansas | 4 |
| 15 | Florida | 11 |
| 16 | Oklahoma State | — |
| 17 | Texas Tech | 4 |
| 18 | Wisconsin | 1 |
| 19 | Ohio State | 4 |
| 20 | Connecticut | 6 |
| 21 | Northwestern | 5 |
| 22 | Michigan State | 4 |
| 23 | Virginia Tech | 3 |
| 24 | Boise State | 4 |
| 25 | Ball State | 1 |
Dropped Out: Wake Forest (#9), TCU (#21), Fresno State (#22), Nebraska (#23), Georgia Tech (#25).
Initial proviso: Alabama could just as easily be number one. They might very well be the best team playing the best football in the country, but we’ll happily admit that the reason Oklahoma is up there despite blowing the doors off the flimsiest of opponent prior to this weekend is that they’ve been better with the established Stoops Performance Machine longer than Alabama. That is the only thing keeping Alabama from that spot in our minds: the established performance of the Sooners over time. In terms of 2008 resume, Alabama’s performance is the strongest in the nation, and a brutal, brawny kind of strong, not a bronzered-up Mr. Olympia-kind of strong. (See: USC.)
Top ten notes: Penn State might really be that good, and we’ll ride that like the MARTA until it breaks. (more…)
COLT MCCOY IS TRIXY HOBBIT TRICKY
Colt McCoy on a keeper this weekend, with camera work every bit as stellar on this play as the crack ABC crew’s effort on tracking Steven Threet’s 58 yard qb keeper against Wisconsin (3:18 or so), which to be fair was as unlikely as discovering a staffed and spotless Smoothie King in the middle of the Gobi Desert. (Or anywhere for that matter.)
If you’re looking for your NCAA on Junior Varsity numbers of the week, draft McCoy’s day against the Razorbacks: 17/19 for 185 and 3 TDs, and 9 rushes for 84 yards and 2 TDs. (Say, Arkansas has troubles against a mobile white qb, you say? No, no reason. We’re just curious.) McCoy has been working quietly in the shadows of ballyhooed Chase Daniel and Sam Bradford, but he’s the best overall qb working in the Big 12 in the air and on the ground. In addition to that, he still has the most pornalicious name of any qb, and that has to count for something in this life. Colt McCoy is: LONGHORN: The Sweet Impalement. Out on Vivid DVD this fall!
CURIOUS INDEX, 9/29/08
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Poll voters reach deep inside ass, pull out rankings. As badly as Georgia was hammered by Alabama on Saturday night–and it was, as commenters noted, a balls-deep hammerbanging prison romance for the first half, and a noble but doomed comeback in the second–Alabama was a ranked team, unlike Oregon State or Ole Miss. If you’re gauging degrees of defeat, you rank Georgia’s as the most respectable of debacles (since Alabama really is that good by evidence,) followed up by USC’s (on the road) and then Florida’s (completely imploding and eating self-ass pie at home.) The fact that Southern Cal is above Georgia is the first time we’ll actually side with Georgia fans: you’re getting the UFIA for the second time this weekend. With that stated…that was some Final Destination-level killing out there. Heavy objects being dropped on unsuspecting heads. Grown men in tears. Death, inescapable crushing death.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET NICK SABAN PLAY WITH HEAVY MACHINERY!!! Like USC after the Oregon State game, the Alabama Slamma’s toll is more than just psychological: Knowshon Moreno has a severe contusion on his elbow (in casual terms, a kickass, bone-deep bruise,) TE Tripp Chandler reaggravated a shoulder injury, split end Kris Durham sprained his ankle, and linebacker Dannell Ellerbe sprained his knee. All are doubtful or just plain out for the Tennessee game. “Alarming.” Well, that’s one word for it. Florida is getting back to work, which is good since they did very little effective work over the weekend. You know how that is: you roll out of bed planning to go to the office, then X-Men 2 on FX sucks you in for an hour or two, then you dither with the idea of cleaning out the fridge because that week old vegetable stew is starting to grow legs, and then you lose to Ole Miss at home. Meanwhile, a jubilant Ole Miss contingent discovered that you don’t touch Florida Field during gametime: It’s open the whole week, but during the game they guard it with dogs and billy clubs. This is an improvement over the Sixties, though, when National Guardsmen ringed it with bayonets. The Nutt family nearly had the dogs turned on them as they took the field to celebrate, as well, which would have been the only real defense played on the field that day by a representative of UF. Playbook includes “sack” and “throw away safely.” The qb competition opens up again for Tennessee because Jonathan Crompton has been positively crapulent under center for Tennessee. There’s more on this later, but if the backup comes in and takes a one yard sack every time they step in, this would be an improvement over the horrorshow that has been the Clawfense thus far. Numbers: they’re fun! Against Auburn, Crompton was 8-of-23 for 67 yards. During the fourth quarter, he was 0-for-6. Those eight completions were a team low since Rick Clausen went 8-for-20 for 69 yards in UT’s 2004 loss to Auburn in the SEC championship game. Jake Locker, mercifully out of commission. QB Jake Locker was injured in Washington’s home loss to Stanford, and has mercifully been put on the bench. If there’s any justice in this world, Ty Wilingham will soon follow with a torn resume and severely bruised career. Excellence in commenting, Vol. 23. RUMSFELD!!! Somehow I think Tebow’s summer of playing with little boy’s wangs had a part in this. We received no less than four comments that were a variation on this theme. When’s the plague happening? Soon? Soon enough? The Stand is a comedy, right? Laurie Garrett, TCOAN and ourselves are heading to Montana with a T1 line, arms, and three years worth of supplies. The rest of you are on your own. |
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September 28, 2008
ALPHABETICAL UP. WOUNDS, SCARRING UP NICELY.
The Alphabetical, our grand attempt to summarize the week’s action in 26 pieces, is up at the Sporting Blog. it’s a lovely day: the sun is shining, the birds are really and literally singing outside the window, and the Dane is lying comfortably in the grass. What more could one ask for, really?
Besides a yard? ONE DAMN YARD, DAMMIT.
This house is going to be spotless by the time we’re done with this. Like, Joan Crawford spotless.
Clean up THIS MEEEEEESSSSS!
Our only consolation is that across the state of Georgia there will be thousands of other spotless homes by the end of the day, too. Nifty thing: our cleaning makes them feel better, too, via the endless loop of mutually reinforced schadenfreude.
Meanwhile, Ole Miss, don’t lift a thing today. You should spend the day drinking, and drinking heavily and eating on the reddest and velvetiest of red velvet cake. Ragin’ Cajun Rebel texted us at 1:30 in the morning last night with the question: “Does it still sting?” Yes, which means your football team did somethin’ right, son. Giggitys all around.
Enjoy your Sunday. We’ll see you tomorrow.
September 27, 2008
CALL TO ARMS. FINGERS. WHATEVS.
Live coverage on tap tonight for Alabama-Georgia, beginning around 7:30 EDT, and a cry for help:
Wait, make that two cries for help: As you may have noticed, our liveblog software, though lovely and featureful, is a bitch and a half to run. And tonight, we’re soliciting some help so we can actually watch the game. Looking for two or three brave souls willing to pretty much do nothing but approve comments all night. If you’re interested in playing deputy for us and are gonna be around for the whole game, shoot me an email (wolfbearclownshark, gmail) kindly identifying yourself by commenter name, and we’ll get you set up with a login.
For us. For your blog brethren. For Tommy Bowden’s bitch mentality. For humanity. See you there, lawyas.
OLE MISS 31, FLORIDA 30
At least someone’s happy about this. Frankly, you’re probably fortunate if you lose by one after you spend the entire third quarter practicing the “fumble” drill. You’re actually fortunate to not lose by two TDs, actually, given the number of flubs, mistakes, miscues, clusterfucks, missed tackles, blown assignments, dropped passes, and fumbles fumbles fumbles fumbles fumbles did we mention fumbles yes fumbles.
The defense made one critical mistake, and that was Major Wright deciding to guard the wrong side of the field on the long pass to Shea Hodge. The rest is on the offense: the offense that kept playing the lunch buffet with the play-calling, calling up a seemingly random slew of plays to turnover the ball with, the offense that gave the Ole Miss offense the ball three times inside the fifty, the offense plunged this team headfirst off a cliff with errors and a final fatal playcall—the Tebow Smash that hasn’t worked at all going on now four games into this season–that was doomed from the beginning.
Turnovers killed Florida for the majority of the game. Then play-calling delivered the coup-de-grace. Someone tell us how Tim Tebow morphed into low-carb Jared Lorenzen in the span of a single offseason, and we’ll give you a dollar for your efforts. Holy fucking cowcunt, we just lost to Count Giggity in game four in classic Houston Nutt fashion: countless mistakes by the other team, outrageous high-school playcalling, a quarterback who goes 9/20 but throws nothing but backbreakers on those completions.
If your team’s undefeated right now, do us a favor: watch. your. fucking. ass. Oh, and if the game’s on the line, and you’re a bit skeevy on the idea of having your kicker try a 51 yarder, try something that doesn’t play into the obvious weaknesses of your team thus far and the other team’s strengths simultaneously.
September 26, 2008
EDSBSGPS: WHERE WE AT, WEEK 5
Viewing agenda for the weekend:
ORSON (ATL):
Maryland @ Clemson
Ole Miss @ Florida
Tennesse @ Auburn
Colorado vs. FSU
Alabama @ Georgia
Illinois @ Penn State
San Jose State @ Hawaii (YEEEEEEAH)
HOLLY (undisclosed desert location):
UNC @ Miami
Virginia @ Duke
Tennessee @ Auburn
Arkansas @ Texas
Marshall @ WFV
Croom State @ LSU
Alabama @ Georgia
San Jose State @ Hawaii (THASSRIGHT)
Lane Kiffin: Nowhere near any northeastern United State, and certainly not interviewing for the Syracuse job. What Syracuse job? Look, a huge distracting thing!
You’re damn right we’re staying up for the 11:59 PM kickoff in Hawaii. Share your destinations and plans below for all to see and stalk. It’s been a long week. Welcome back to bat country.
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