Go fuck yourselves, because we’re still not eating at the Olive Garden. “You do the math; I’ll do the Alfredo!” That math says that games now contain fewer plays and yet are just as long as they’ve ever been, according to the Wiz. The increasing commercialization of the sport shouldn’t anger any of you with the icy soul of an economist ticking away in your heart; what should irritate you are the ads themselves. Attention: we’re never, ever, ever eating at the Olive Garden, though we’ll consider investing with Pacific Life because when we think of something that never gets endangered, we think of…whales, yes.

This one, though, is totally acceptable.

Semantic mirrors, you say? We have no idea what you’re talking about.

Notre Dame’s Tightpants Pants Police Gets Tighter. Our visit to Notre Dame was pleasant enough, but the order chafed our inner Free Bird:

These ushers serve as nannies, not only refusing to allow any and all funness to occur outside the student section, but actively quieting fans down and quashing standing. You want to know who Hitler’s willing accomplices were? These people. One minute they’re telling you to sit down, and the next minute they appear outside of your house asking where your neighbors are. Screw these people in the ear; in our perfect stadium, they’re thrown screaming off the upper deck by the angry masses.

The rage for order spreads: Notre Dame police are now filming tailgaters and demanding people demonstrate sobriety to return to their seats, going as far as administering breathalyzers to people on the spot. Your ND gameday experience brought to you by the Malibu Police Department, who remind you to keep your ugly fuckin’ goldbrickin’ ass out of their football community.

(Oh, and we know the guy involved in the horse incident. He’s as harmful as a gun made of marshmallows. What do you have to do to make Southern policemen look tolerant? Answer: this.)

Jaybo! Jaybo Shaw may have the starting job at Georgia Tech locked down thanks to a nagging early season injury to Josh Nesbitt, but he toes the party line nicely in the AJC. Georgia Tech plays Duke Saturday and better watch their ass, because it’s Duke 2008 and they’re fully committed to the Great Preppie Football Uprising of 2008, a.k.a. the Axis of Formerly Feeble. (See Northwestern and Vanderbilt.)

Greg Rob Lunn, Voice of a Generation. Thoughts from a Fat White Guy, quickly becoming the voice of a generation, answers your questions. Re: linemen and their relative charms with the ladies:

But I think linemen do well because, like many-a-fat chick, we may never have been the best looking or most athletic guys, so by the rules of Bar-Darwinism we were forced to develop a personality, lest we rely solely on our marginal good looks, and thus starve in this proverbial survival of the fittest. They say that if you can make a girl laugh you make her do anything. Even date a fatty.

No bailout for Crompton. Financial metaphors fit everything, but most especially the plummeting stock of Jonathan Crompton. We mean this: send in someone to take a one yard sack and punt, a.k.a. the “three step drop.” It would be an improvement on passing down, and would make Tommy Tuberville rabidly jealous.