FEDS CALL FOR 38 POINT BAILOUT OF USC

I blame the spread offense for point inflation.

I apologize, but I can no longer post today. I’ve been called to Washington D.C. to save the country.

Carry on.

I think that there should be this bailout, as most Americans do, where we give the points to the team, Orson. We give them to the team, and we do it, we give the points, without blinking. We must not blink. And uh, when Americans look at our health care and the economy and the threat of nucular terror, Orson, from Putin and the Iraq and such as and we see a critical, critical part of our way of life that so often comes under attack from those who would seek to destroy us, Orson, that cannot be part of a multi-faceted solution that comes from Washington and provides less referees but—but smarter referees, we need to change college football, and that’s what this campaign is doing for everybody in America, we change things. Look, John McCain is the Maverick and everyone knows that, and when you have a system where USC loses to—they lose a football game, Orson, and Americans who, they won’t, it’s a catastrophe like 9/11.

Just like these dang Democrats to tax USC points for being elite and upoerclass, then when the system fails blame the Republicans and demand a 38 point bailout. I’m moving to Canada.

Jay Rockefeller and Robert Byrd want to add a proviso that prevents excessive, windfall compensation to Bill Stewart, in the event that he is shitcanned.

I think it is up to the winning teams to each give up a few of their superfluous points each to go toward the USC fund, until that fund can finance the USC bailout. Teams beating the spread will be taxed 2 points for every touchdown that beats the spread up until the point of just barely beating the spread. A proxy for this would be a a regressive tax of 1 point per score for every score over the spread, up until the spread is just barely beaten. In this way we can restore the natural balance.

Barney Fwank Dept:

USC looked worse than Barney Fwank did yesterday.

Actually, Barney Fwank would have tackled OSU’s Jacquizzy better than anyone on the SC defense.

The USC team, coaches included, should punish themselves this weekend and instead of watching good footbaw teams spend it at the Mall watching the chick-flick Rodanthy-something-or-other. Or is that too much punishment?

Well considering the government force USC to loan out to hundreds of thousands of individuals who were extreme credit risks, I think for this act of government facism they should be reimbursed, but like hell should OSU be punished for it…..ROLL TIDE ROLL YOU ARE GOING TO A FUNERAL MOTHER$#!%!

Brilliant, O.

I believe Saxby was lobbying for the post-game awarding of a TD against the Cocks last year. Anyhow, he makes a mean grilled chicken sandwich w/ Saxby’s sauce.

I blame Subprime Coaching, we paid a high price for this coach and he is defaulting on the promise to show up in games, highly overvalued and his stock is falling like a brick.

I woke up this morning thinking that last night was all a bad dream. All I remember is some Nebraska alum trying to console me at the bar: “It gets easier every year… you won’t be so tense on game days when your team sucks… I looked stressed and defeated like you back in 2000.”

The real question is where do we expect these points to come from? As a Bama fan, we need all of our points for this weekend. If USC wants a bailout they should have to get it from the PAC-10, and stop taking unnecessarily from the rest of us.

I cannot stand by the Trojans when they are choosing a path that is so clearly against the interests of the sporting nation. It is incumbent on all good Americans to support Oregon State in this time of great crisis.

What’s that? I said in 2006 that I thought that the Trojans were the bright future of college football and that I was happy to call them my friend and be their mentor? No, that’s not true at all, you must be thinking of some other integrity-laden Senator from the Nutmeg State.

I would just like to point out that while Sen. Chambliss did attend UGA for his undergraduate studies, he went to the Tennessee for law school, which means he is therefore a TRAITOR and a blight on the reputation of our proud university, as he is on most things.

Gov Palin Question Dept:

1. - Gov Palin: Thank you for your commentary. Us US-Americans, including South Carolinians, are happy about your views and outlook towards The Iraq.

 On another matter: How seriously are you considering Hef’s offer to pose in your b-day suit for his mag?

SEC schools to advance to the top spot! That’s change I can believe in!

1. wins (no point-sharing required).

In addition who will have oversight of these “bailout” points? We can all agree that the PAC-10 officials have shown a lack of judgement this year and that the points should not be controlled by special interest groups such as ESPN. I propose a “Points for Players”? It’s a comprehensive plan where you get 5 points for every 5 star recruit you give up. This way USC could walk though the National Title Game without ever having to go on the field again, while restoring parity to the PAC-10.

We are prepared to bail out USC from out fine stock of excess cash, War Bonds, shares in Acme Amalgamated Holdings, etc…

…oh wait, you want POINTS?

Um…can’t help ya….would you take an INT?

Ron Paul would never let this happen because score-setting runs counter to every basic tenet of free market capitalism gold standard veer offense VOTE RON PAUL!!!

Senators and representatives from Florida and Louisiana are also raising concern about the proposal.

“If we bail out Southern Cal, then who else is going to come along and ask for a retroactive bailout? Ohio State? I know the Florida delegation is with me on opposing any and all bailouts for OSU that will inevitably come in the wake of this,” said Sen. David Ritter, R-Louisiana.

“Their failures in recruiting ESS-EE-CEE SPEEEEED shouldn’t fall on the rest of us, especially our boy Tebow,” added Sen. Bill Nelson, D-Florida, who performed a Gator Chomp after the conference.

Any truth to the rumor that majority leader Reid was trying to slip in a continuing resolution to prevent tailgating within 2 miles of NCAA stadiums?

JIMatUA @ 18 – that’s Socialist and unAmerican!

MARKET REPORT:

Petrinoleum futures are up 20%, as speculators believe it will have run out in Arkansas by 2010.

The price of coal is dropping due to additional production. The industry has capitulated to the Labor Union’s request to add Saturdays to the work week.

The PAC-10 opened down 25% on heavy overnight trading.

And now, Linda Wertheimer

Dammit, it’s Senator Vitter, not Ritter. Fuck.

Unfortunately, Holly, Tennessee will not benefit with the rest of the SEC as it was forced into Chapter 11.

Congress will also direct Sports ILLustrated to place Bama on the cover permanently after their win over Georgia Saturday night. In fact, the new name of the magazine will be “BAMA’S BACK” to celebrate their rise to their rightful place on top of the polls. The name of the magazine will go back to Sports ILLustrated once Bama lays an egg against Auburn.
(The Bama meltdown will be because JPW is way overvalued this year due to his yo-yo stock performance when the chips were down)

The Pac-10 as been taken off the trading board and replaced with the ACC. What a sad, sad day for the Pac-10

This whole mess would not fly in my administration. I call for the resignation of SEC Chairman Mike Slive…because he is in some way responsible for all this.

#25

Senator Vitter knows all about that.

Correction to the Chapter 11 filing by Tennessee…in fact, Smokey and the Vols will be seeking bankruptcy protection under the more favorable Chapter 12 which is specifically earmarked for Family Farmers.

Second correction to an earlier report filed yesterday. PAC 10 Commissioner Tom Hansen has not yet returned from his European vacation. In response, his office stated that “since nothing important is going on in the PAC-10, he didn’t feel the need to cut his vacation short.”

In a related development, Sen Patty Murray (D-WA) was asked about a bailout of Seattle-based WaHu along with WaMu.

Her press spokesman commented that “we’ll defer all decisions to Coach Willingham on that one. However, from our point of view, the UDub football program is in worse shape that an uncollaterized credit default swap.”

1. - 100 cocktails to you. God knows you need every one of them.

BREAKING NEWS….

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that the NCAA, in tandem with the FDIC, has shut down the Pac-10 and seized its assets in what is being called the biggest conference failure in U.S. history.

This according to sources inside the FDIC, which is still trying to find a buyer for the Pac-10’s assets on the whole. The source told the WSJ that most buyers are only interested in UCLA’s college basketball championships, but they are negotiating with the Big XII.

FDIC spokesman John Jacobson did confirm the seizure, but would not comment on negotiations.

“We wanted to put off the seizure until after Fresno State whooped UCLA’s butt on Saturday, but given what happened on Thursday night in Corvallis, we had to act to save those with serious investments in the well-being of this conference,” Jacobson added.

The FDIC is still searching for a buyer for the Atlantic Coast Conference, and is concerned that a loss by Florida State at home on Saturday could further jeopardize its efforts to liquidate its assets, as most financial firms seem to think only the "U’ has any upside right now.

Oh sure, the feds will bail out the corporate giant but when their middle class neighbor gets their house foreclosed upon by the aforementioned GO DAWGS SIC EM WOOF WOOF WOOF, where is this social net of which FDR once spoke? Where I say!?

Eh, I guess we were just another victim of a subprime coaching loan. You guys ever heard of Erickson Bank and Trust?

#28

How does a Pac-10 team beating another Pac-10 team relegate the conference below the ACC?

What I admire most about this plan is its boldness. It would be easy to just provide USC with the points necessary to reverse its destabilizing stroll down Beaver Ruin Road (insider joke for Atlantans) last night. But that would not provide the requisite confidence in college football’s future, particularly for the Chinese investors who are footing the bill for the whole show.

It’s critical that USC be allowed to allocate its additional 38 points prospectively as well, to give Americans the assurance that the Trojans will win the MNC even if they “lose” another game or two, due to overpriced assets attributable to the Samoan Talent Bubble of the past few years.

After all, if we lose faith in The Humanitarian, will anything be sacred, ever again?

35

John Swofford exercised a beautiful butterfly option spread on January Cotton prior to the Clempson-Bama game and saved the ACC from financial ruin.

Unfortunately, the Pac-10 failed to hedge properly in the event of a Beaver win and is at the edge of receivership.

Good ’Ol Days Dept:

As as USC fan, I could use a good diversion right about now from this post….the piling-on is funny butt…..

.In the good ’ol days some pretty ladies with big shiny ones would pop up in here and take away some of the misery of having to wait another day for good college footbaw….

We shouldn’t second guess Notre Dame’s football effort because we can not ever afford to send a message that we would allow a second Bob Davie, for one.

Notre Dame has got to have the opportunity and the ability to play football. They are our biggest reason for watching college football. They need us, and we shouldn’t second guess their efforts

As a fan of a Main Street football program, I, for one, oppose this wasteful and extravagant bailout. If USC gets 38 points, we can only imagine how much the Fed will have to spend on Michigan and Syracuse.

Metaphor Friday is kicking some serious ass. We should do this every week. It’s like the nerd bunda.

I just heard that the Pac 10 has been added to the no-short sale list…

#41:

Nerd bunda! I resemble that remark.

But to all of you who are expressing the never-extinguished reactionary desire for a return to Bunda Friday (so, so 2007), I’m shocked you want to diddle while Troy burns.

SKLM must be tired of yanking it to Ms. Kiebler’s photos. He tried to ‘pull’ for ol’SC last night and that went without satisfaction too.

It appears that just when they had a deal to take over CFB, the Trojans pulled out of negotiations and let the Beavers finish them off.

Damn today sucks. Nothing to do but hang around and take the beating though.

#20:

If the veer option is the Gold Standard, then I suggest that the Spread Offense is the 7/1 ARM. This spread marketing campaign really got a lot of underqualified teams into offenses that were more than they could afford, (I’m looking at you Auburn). When the offensive LIBOR readjusts, some of these programs are going to be royally fucked.

The offensive capital crunch is going to bite the mid-majors the hardest, especially the ones that rode the speculative Spread Offense wave and engaged in risky schemes.

Perhaps instead of just giving USC a “blank scoreboard”… we can see some sort of government out-right takeover, and then fire-sale some of the assets and restructure the remaining.

Look at the wonders done by doing this under the Big East 2005 Plan did…. So if the Pac 10 removed volitale assets from the balance sheet, such as Arizona State, Cal, and Arizona… they are no longer carrying those over-inflated and underperforming funds, and leave room for investment in upstarts with some potential such as BYU, Fresno, and Utah. Its not an overnight fix, but it points the ship in the right direction and offers a better ROI.

#45:

Sure it sucks. But for us non-USC fans, it beats the hell out of sitting around waiting to find out if we’re all in a time machine headed back to 1929.

Besides, after the endless abuse of sports jargon by politicians for a century or so, it’s refreshing to see the metaphors running in the other direction for a change.

ocphil @45

As a regular on the wrong end of the abuse, welcome to our club. Can I get you something to drink?

DevilGrad @ 40 – and even the Chinese wouldn’t have enough to cover Notre Dame.

Crabby Dept:

#44: USC deserves all of the humiliation today, no problem about that…..But, Ms. Keibler does not!

Some of us demand answers why certain programs are favored for a bailout, while others are tossed aside and allowed to fail?

donkeydawg @ 48 – No kidding, I’ve got my kids practicing to sell apples and pencils as I type. I’m working the “adorable ragamuffin” approach for them, so we can afford to load up the Model T and drive out to Monterey.

Are you guys serious?! Is this really going on? Are thinking of just giving USC points to win the game!?

This hits home for every American, for we know we may be next, even those of us who did not accept the $450,000 mortgage FOR ONLY $658 A MONTH!!!! A Dawg/Bammer (choose one) will wake up in this inexorable state of suffering come Sunday. LSU/Florida, Oklahoma/Missouri. We all will suffer. No American will be unscathed. We laugh not at you Trojans, but with you. … well, not really, but you get the idea.

Greg Schiano was seen leaving a Creditor in neighboring Wilmington, Delaware earlier this morning. It has long been rumored that Schiano’s close ties to the Wilimington banking and credit industry influenced his decision to stay at Rutger’s despite a meteoric rise in 2006 and 2007. Schiano, who has since seen his team plummet to the depths of Division 1 football at the hands of perennial powerhouse, Navy, had this to say about the Midshipmen: “They put all the money in the military industrial complex. Sure Army lost to Akron, and Navy to Ball State. But then they get this boost. Look at Notre Dame last year. Now its Rutgers. Someone must step in and help us small state schools out. But I am sure that being in New Jersey means we will once again get left out in the cold”

Schiano left the scene in a truck marked “Waste Management”.

Does that mean that we, the humble rank and file, will own 80% of those points?

The sad thing is, I live in Georgia and have no trouble seeing Saxby Chambliss (or any other state official from UGA) saying that.

I want to name Holly as chief negotiator of the deal. Her SEC lobbying work is impressive – the value of BEE has now been legally protected from declining.

“The New York Stock Exchange continued to add to the list of securities covered under the Securities and Exchange Commission’s temporary ban on short selling. Stocks added to the NYSE No-Short List on Wednesday and Thursday:
…
BEE… Strategic Hotels & Resorts”

http://www.cnbc.com/id/26891025

As a college football fan I want to buy all you sarcastic bastages a beer. As a Trojan alum, I want to stake all your tongues to the bar with a rusty spork.

And to my brethren, no bloody whining about x, y, and z- the boys got beat, badly. Now we must take our beating. If you must console yourself, remember that every guy who is clowning you knows that his boy wants to play ball at SC, his girl wants to be a Trojan Song Girl, and his lady wants you to dress her up as one.

Fight On …and to all you bastages- enjoy your footbaw tomorrow.

What is a “spork”

The SEC thanks the Beavers for keeping USC at home during the BSC championship this year