COMMUNITY SERVICE: WE PUN SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.
The sheets aren’t even cold and already media outlets from coast to coast are scrambling to concoct cringe-inducing single-entendre Beaver-Trojan headlines for your perusal and nausea. In the immediate aftermath of tonight’s upset, we took the liberty of assembling every one we could find in a safe location, to be devoured or avoided as you see fit. Little humanitarian effort, from us to you, on the eve of what promises to be another weekend through the looking glass.
Jacquizz, where’s your protection?
Trojans Can’t Pull It Out
Hungry Beavers Suffocate Trojans
Trojans Can’t Get It Up For Big Night With Beavers
Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack
Trojans Can’t Come From Behind, Fall Short
22 Trojans, No Protection
USC to Sleep in Wet Spot
Faced With Angry Beavers, Trojans Flaccid
Trojans Penetrate into Soft Waiting Flesh of Beavers, Fall Asleep Inside
Beavers Poke Surreptitious Hole In Trojans, Snatch Victory
Ejaculate Football Sodomy Metaphor Cockslap Lagos Hookerface
Something’s Fishy In Corvallis
Mark Sanchez is a Vag
We’re sure you can take it from there, unlike USC’s receivers. Sleep tight!
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1
tool shed says:
I’m going to remember that name for a long time….Jacquizz Rodgers….the people went nuts at the bars in Muncie, Indiana!
September 26th, 2008 at 2:00 am
2
PDXgonegator says:
Trojan tip leads to Beaver pleasure?
Trojans suffocated in Beaver red zone?
September 26th, 2008 at 2:03 am
3
P.J. says:
“Toothy beavers ravage Trojans”
(I suppose you have to know what vagina dentata is to truly appreciate the double entendre”
September 26th, 2008 at 2:09 am
4
PDXgonegator says:
muffed kick helps Beavs snatch game, Pete(r) falls short
September 26th, 2008 at 2:19 am
5
PortTrojan says:
Having attended the game, I can tell you there was a beautiful sunset. I never thought it would be a metaphor signalling the end of my team’s National Championship hopes, but it was quite beautiful.
Beaver fans were very classy. Congratulations to them and Coach Riley. A well deserved win. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat some ice cream and go to bed.
Trojan ribbed in Corvallis….politely so.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:24 am
6
PDXgonegator says:
Don’t sweat it, PortTrojan.
I was similarly bummed after Florida’s loss to Auburn in 2006, and they came back to put on that nice clinic in Arizona for tOSU in January. It’s early yet. The SEC and the Big 10 will grind themselves up from the inside as they always do and USC will be right back in the thick of it.
Stay Classy, Los Angeles
September 26th, 2008 at 2:41 am
7
Beaverette says:
They had T-shirts after the game that said:
“Trojans break under pressure”
September 26th, 2008 at 2:51 am
8
TideDruid says:
Trojans turn lame deep in Beaver territory
September 26th, 2008 at 3:08 am
9
BeaverJohn says:
@PortTrojan
I was in the east endzone. The hills were nicely backlit by the sunset. It was almost as good as what was going on down on the field.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:08 am
10
Old Ducker says:
Haiku this, bitches:
Where Trojans seek big holes.
Cows are only in the stands.
Rubbers limp, no tight ends.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:20 am
11
Schnitzengruben says:
Beavers Strap On, Trojans Bent Over
September 26th, 2008 at 5:20 am
12
Tom says:
Trojans Can’t Tackle Slippery Beaver.
By the way, if “Quizz” isn’t a term for something dirty, it should be.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:39 am
13
Old Ducker says:
lemme try this again:
Trojan seeks nice hole,
only cows are in the stands,
goes limp, no tight ends.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:49 am
14
Tricky Dick says:
To all the trojan fans who saw your team lose last night. This buckeye fan knows how you feel.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:01 am
15
Irwin Fletcher says:
“TROJANS PROVIDE NO PROTECTION AGAINST AGGRESSIVE BEAVERS”
@ 11 – tOSU lost to a (highly) ranked team – that should provide at least some additional comfort to THE OSU faithful.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:34 am
16
Dr.Ed PHDxyz says:
Holy Choke !!!!!! Batman,did you see that ? Yes Robin, but we must not draw pleasure from someone else’s misfortune. Batman, Fuck YOU, I’m going over to Batgirls’ and wear out a couple more Trojan’s. I’m so happy I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch!!
September 26th, 2008 at 6:52 am
17
yoyfutbawl says:
Are we sure that that wasn’t USCe in USCw uniforms masquerading again as a D-1 team?
September 26th, 2008 at 6:57 am
18
NCT says:
“Ejaculate Football Sodomy Metaphor Cockslap Lagos Hookerface”
Holly, you slay me. Honest, you do.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:02 am
19
Johnny says:
Trojans Buried in Beaver Victory!
September 26th, 2008 at 7:09 am
20
Erica says:
@yoyfutbawl
We’re the Cocks, they’re just the Trojans…
and as a USCe employee I have to say that this Cock loves the Beavers!
And also:
Rabid Beavers Tear Through Flimsy Trojan Defense
GEAUX ESSSEEEECEEE!!1!!
(Did I mention I’m an LSU Tigah fan?)
September 26th, 2008 at 7:09 am
21
Chuckles says:
“Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack”
Gold. Well done Holly.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:29 am
22
vegas_buckeye says:
Season of Schandefreude 2 – Electric Boogaloo.
“may you live in interesting times”
—
I loved this quote from the yahoo sports article:
“I’m beside myself,” USC coach Pete Carroll said.
I just have this mental image of Petey needing his wooby and a man slave to console him later in the evening. OSU did what tOSU couldn’t – my hat is off to you oh flat-tailed-toothed team with the name that makes young boys giggle.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:33 am
23
Imarealist says:
“Beavers Prevail Against Eight in the Box”
September 26th, 2008 at 7:36 am
24
URBN G8R says:
Sanchez even said that USC couldn’t “keep it up”. (Check SportsCenter for verification.)
September 26th, 2008 at 7:52 am
25
Allahver Fist says:
Beavers have penises. Trojans have flaginas.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:56 am
26
NewAZTiger says:
Hot Beavers Shred Cold Trojans
Muff Dive: Trojans take it on chin from Beavers
September 26th, 2008 at 8:05 am
27
BDoc says:
Another glorious night of Thursday college football in the books. It’s quickly become the best way to start the weekend.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:05 am
28
Houston's Nutts says:
“Beavers gnaw at Trojans, USC team now riddled with AIDS.”
September 26th, 2008 at 8:06 am
29
OhioDawg says:
Trojans fucked!
September 26th, 2008 at 8:08 am
30
Tater Salad says:
Small Beaver Scrappy – Busts Holes Throughout Trojan Defense
September 26th, 2008 at 8:15 am
31
Count de Monnet says:
Orson-
I WAS WRONG I WAS WRONG I WAS WRONG!
I had no idea that the Beavers could or would win last night. Wow.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:17 am
32
Tater Salad says:
@23:
Winner.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:17 am
33
Synaesthesia says:
Huh. I guess you can’t win EVERY game by paying your players.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:22 am
34
hobeg8r says:
This is now Day 2 of the Mark May suicide watch. Dr. Lou needs to talk him down off the ledge.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:23 am
35
Pants McPants says:
It much be a bizarre kind of hell to be a USC fan…
“Who do we play this week?” Top Ten Ohio State. “Whew, I can relax”
“Who do we play this week?” Some horrible unranked team we should beat by 4 TDs “Awww, CRAP!”
September 26th, 2008 at 8:31 am
36
mhentz says:
Two times in a row now the Trojans have failed to stiffen to the test in the Beavers’ house . I’m beginning to believe the Trojans don’t really like Beavers all that much.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:35 am
37
Dawggone says:
Trojan Offense Cockblocked by Beaver’s Defense
September 26th, 2008 at 8:45 am
38
Devin Lansing says:
Trojan Failure Leads to Helmetless Victory in Beaverland
Prickly Beavers tear Trojans
September 26th, 2008 at 8:46 am
39
another good one says:
Trojans get crushed by 5′6″ Beaver.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:54 am
40
teddy dupay says:
in surprising turn of events…beavers give trojans a shocker.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:58 am
41
Edsall is God says:
All I can say is HOLY SHIT!!! I never thought OSU had a chance to win…even when it was 21-14 late in the 4th. Unreal…why can’t USC squashed these crappy teams?
September 26th, 2008 at 8:58 am
42
devin lansing says:
Beaver Explosion Hoses Trojans
Trojans Melt under Beaver Heat
September 26th, 2008 at 8:59 am
43
Doug says:
Of course the Trojans broke under pressure. Not even the strongest Trojan can contain that much Jacquizz.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:01 am
44
URBN G8R says:
Trojans pound Nuts, slip softly against Beavers. Next up: the big O.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:02 am
45
SC_Gator says:
From this day forth, in my mind at least, referring to a team as “tOSU” or any applicable variant thereof will now mean THE Oregon State University.
It’s kind of crazy, but we have had some awesome Thursday night games this year, and at least one bad assed Friday night game (KU-USF) to go with them.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:02 am
46
PW says:
Beavers Transitively Dominate Nuts
September 26th, 2008 at 9:04 am
47
PW says:
any update on Rey?
September 26th, 2008 at 9:06 am
48
Brando says:
“Beavers Tighten Up Against Trojans”
September 26th, 2008 at 9:15 am
49
spartymike says:
And to think I went to the final IMAX showing at my local theatre of TDK (4th time, thanks) instead of watching this…
Beavers Tighten Up; Trojans Can’t Push Through
September 26th, 2008 at 9:19 am
50
Dawggone says:
Beavers finding holes in Trojans Defense Capitalize on Baby’s Daddy Mistakes.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:21 am
51
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
Trojans fail to answer Beavers Quizz!
Beavers bite during Dirty Sanchez
September 26th, 2008 at 9:23 am
52
Dawggone says:
Sweaty Beavers Romp all over Trojans Flacid Defense
September 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
53
Go Dawgs!!! says:
trojans not up for beavers
trojans fail against beavers
trojans worn out by angry beavers
beavers reject trojans
beavers devour trojans
trojans 99% INeffective against beavers
trojans fail to penetrate beavers
trojan protection ineffective against eager beavers
September 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
54
Jesus says:
Trojans Ineffective as Fervent Beavers Thrash Their Way Trough USC’s Thin Line of Protection; Impregnate Their Own Endzone with no Remorse.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:40 am
55
InsaneCoachPosse says:
words do not fully grok this flamdubbery
September 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am
56
billybobstupid says:
How about:
After tearing into a pack of Trojans, their was Quizz all over the field in Corvallis
September 26th, 2008 at 10:05 am
57
Liz says:
Truly brilliant – what a fantastic laugh to start a Friday!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
58
Irwin Fletcher says:
Haiku:
Hot Beavers Smack Troy
Peter Looking For Answers
‘Quizz All Over the Field
September 26th, 2008 at 10:38 am
59
TIGERinATL says:
Since I was up by 46 at the half, I felt good about my wager and hit the sack.
Now the looming threat of 1929 all over again was what had me tossing.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
60
DC Trojan says:
Beavers reject Trojans and shoot Quizz all over the field.
Trojans discover creampuff is creampie as Quizz runs down the middle
September 26th, 2008 at 10:43 am
61
HeadThief says:
Beavers delight as Trojan bursts
September 26th, 2008 at 11:00 am
62
Brian says:
Tiny beaver turns back trojan
September 26th, 2008 at 11:05 am
63
spartymike says:
Team That Shares Name With Juvenile Slang Term For Female Sex Organ Destroys National Title Hopes Of Team That Shares Name With Brand Of Male Birth Control Product
September 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
64
Ben says:
succinctly put 63.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
65
DC Trojan says:
Rubbers bounce off dick mittens.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:42 am
66
Tampa Green says:
“Trojans come up short in hostile take-over attempt of Beavers.”
AP – Trojans everywhere are recovering today after another failed attempt at acquiring control of the Beavers. After emasculating losses to PSU and Stanford, Beaver stock was nearing an all-time low, leading major analysts to predict an easy assumption of controlling position by the powerful Men of Troy. However, perhaps sensing an easy “lay down” sale by the Beavers, who were seen as still licking themselves from the conquests forced upon them the previous weekends, the Trojans strategized a “soft sell”. The result? Failure to penetrate the Beavers, who quickly got on top and stayed there until the wild, jubilant, bubbly-spraying finish…
September 26th, 2008 at 11:54 am
67
NewAZTiger says:
Jacquizz Penetrates Trojans for Beaver Victory
September 26th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
68
TheMightyErik says:
Holly,
One of the few articles that Jenni has ever read and she nearly pissed herself
September 26th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
69
Smm says:
It was almost as much as watching the horns beat ‘em 06. Almost.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
70
911doc says:
Porous Trojans pelted by excitable and slippery beavers.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
71
Holly says:
@Erik—Oh, you think that’s bad, just wait’ll Jim gets a look at this one.
September 26th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
72
patrick says:
Angry Beavers rupture Trojans.
Trojans limp, Beavers drip with joy.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
73
JasonC says:
This has probably been used, but I am not reading through every single one:
Trojans break during a difficult night with Beavers
September 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
74
seattleite says:
Beavers Big O Too Much For Belated Trojan Spurt
Trojans Break In Corvallis To Tight Beaver Squeeze
Beavers Too Slippery for Trojans
September 27th, 2008 at 12:58 am
75
james says:
Beaver this good doesn’t need Trojan….
September 27th, 2008 at 9:15 am
76
Oh the HUMANITY!!! says:
Some day, even better than OSU and USC (West Coast), the Beavers are going to play the OTHER USC… South Carolina… Thats right, some day the Beavers and the Gamecocks are going to line it up on the turf, and at that point, let the puns fly. The Cocks and Beavs, going at it on the field for 60 minutes.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pm