COMMUNITY SERVICE: WE PUN SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
by Holly Anderson on Sep 26, 2008 2:52 AM EDT
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PrintThe sheets aren't even cold and already media outlets from coast to coast are scrambling to concoct cringe-inducing single-entendre Beaver-Trojan headlines for your perusal and nausea. In the immediate aftermath of tonight's upset, we took the liberty of assembling every one we could find in a safe location, to be devoured or avoided as you see fit. Little humanitarian effort, from us to you, on the eve of what promises to be another weekend through the looking glass.
Jacquizz, where's your protection?
Trojans Can't Pull It Out
Hungry Beavers Suffocate Trojans
Trojans Can't Get It Up For Big Night With Beavers
Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack
Trojans Can't Come From Behind, Fall Short
22 Trojans, No Protection
USC to Sleep in Wet Spot
Faced With Angry Beavers, Trojans Flaccid
Trojans Penetrate into Soft Waiting Flesh of Beavers, Fall Asleep Inside
Beavers Poke Surreptitious Hole In Trojans, Snatch Victory
Ejaculate Football Sodomy Metaphor Cockslap Lagos Hookerface
Something's Fishy In Corvallis
Mark Sanchez is a Vag
We're sure you can take it from there, unlike USC's receivers. Sleep tight!
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I’m going to remember that name for a long time….Jacquizz Rodgers….the people went nuts at the bars in Muncie, Indiana!
by tool shed on Sep 26, 2008 3:00 AM EDT reply actions
Trojan tip leads to Beaver pleasure?
Trojans suffocated in Beaver red zone?
by PDXgonegator on Sep 26, 2008 3:03 AM EDT reply actions
muffed kick helps Beavs snatch game, Pete® falls short
by PDXgonegator on Sep 26, 2008 3:19 AM EDT reply actions
Having attended the game, I can tell you there was a beautiful sunset. I never thought it would be a metaphor signalling the end of my team’s National Championship hopes, but it was quite beautiful.
Beaver fans were very classy. Congratulations to them and Coach Riley. A well deserved win. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat some ice cream and go to bed.
Trojan ribbed in Corvallis….politely so.
by PortTrojan on Sep 26, 2008 3:24 AM EDT reply actions
Don’t sweat it, PortTrojan.
I was similarly bummed after Florida’s loss to Auburn in 2006, and they came back to put on that nice clinic in Arizona for tOSU in January. It’s early yet. The SEC and the Big 10 will grind themselves up from the inside as they always do and USC will be right back in the thick of it.
Stay Classy, Los Angeles
by PDXgonegator on Sep 26, 2008 3:41 AM EDT reply actions
They had T-shirts after the game that said:
“Trojans break under pressure”
by Beaverette on Sep 26, 2008 3:51 AM EDT reply actions
@PortTrojan
I was in the east endzone. The hills were nicely backlit by the sunset. It was almost as good as what was going on down on the field.
by BeaverJohn on Sep 26, 2008 4:08 AM EDT reply actions
Haiku this, bitches:
Where Trojans seek big holes.
Cows are only in the stands.
Rubbers limp, no tight ends.
by Old Ducker on Sep 26, 2008 6:20 AM EDT reply actions
Trojans Can’t Tackle Slippery Beaver.
By the way, if “Quizz” isn’t a term for something dirty, it should be.
by Tom on Sep 26, 2008 6:39 AM EDT reply actions
lemme try this again:
Trojan seeks nice hole,
only cows are in the stands,
goes limp, no tight ends.
by Old Ducker on Sep 26, 2008 6:49 AM EDT reply actions
To all the trojan fans who saw your team lose last night. This buckeye fan knows how you feel.
by Tricky Dick on Sep 26, 2008 7:01 AM EDT reply actions
“TROJANS PROVIDE NO PROTECTION AGAINST AGGRESSIVE BEAVERS”
@ 11 – tOSU lost to a (highly) ranked team – that should provide at least some additional comfort to THE OSU faithful.
by Irwin Fletcher on Sep 26, 2008 7:34 AM EDT reply actions
Holy Choke !!!!!! Batman,did you see that ? Yes Robin, but we must not draw pleasure from someone else’s misfortune. Batman, Fuck YOU, I’m going over to Batgirls’ and wear out a couple more Trojan’s. I’m so happy I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch!!
by Dr.Ed PHDxyz on Sep 26, 2008 7:52 AM EDT reply actions
Are we sure that that wasn’t USCe in USCw uniforms masquerading again as a D-1 team?
by yoyfutbawl on Sep 26, 2008 7:57 AM EDT reply actions
“Ejaculate Football Sodomy Metaphor Cockslap Lagos Hookerface”
Holly, you slay me. Honest, you do.
by NCT on Sep 26, 2008 8:02 AM EDT reply actions
@yoyfutbawl
We’re the Cocks, they’re just the Trojans…
and as a USCe employee I have to say that this Cock loves the Beavers!
And also:
Rabid Beavers Tear Through Flimsy Trojan Defense
GEAUX ESSSEEEECEEE
(Did I mention I’m an LSU Tigah fan?)
by Erica on Sep 26, 2008 8:09 AM EDT reply actions
“Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack”
Gold. Well done Holly.
by Chuckles on Sep 26, 2008 8:29 AM EDT reply actions
Season of Schandefreude 2 – Electric Boogaloo.
“may you live in interesting times”
I loved this quote from the yahoo sports article:
Im beside myself, USC coach Pete Carroll said.
I just have this mental image of Petey needing his wooby and a man slave to console him later in the evening. OSU did what tOSU couldn’t – my hat is off to you oh flat-tailed-toothed team with the name that makes young boys giggle.
by vegas_buckeye on Sep 26, 2008 8:33 AM EDT reply actions
Sanchez even said that USC couldn’t “keep it up”. (Check SportsCenter for verification.)
by URBN G8R on Sep 26, 2008 8:52 AM EDT reply actions
Beavers have penises. Trojans have flaginas.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 26, 2008 8:56 AM EDT reply actions
Hot Beavers Shred Cold Trojans
Muff Dive: Trojans take it on chin from Beavers
by NewAZTiger on Sep 26, 2008 9:05 AM EDT reply actions
Another glorious night of Thursday college football in the books. It’s quickly become the best way to start the weekend.
by BDoc on Sep 26, 2008 9:05 AM EDT reply actions
“Beavers gnaw at Trojans, USC team now riddled with AIDS.”
by Houston's Nutts on Sep 26, 2008 9:06 AM EDT reply actions
Small Beaver Scrappy – Busts Holes Throughout Trojan Defense
by Tater Salad on Sep 26, 2008 9:15 AM EDT reply actions
Orson-
I WAS WRONG I WAS WRONG I WAS WRONG!
I had no idea that the Beavers could or would win last night. Wow.
by Count de Monnet on Sep 26, 2008 9:17 AM EDT reply actions
Huh. I guess you can’t win EVERY game by paying your players.
by Synaesthesia on Sep 26, 2008 9:22 AM EDT reply actions
This is now Day 2 of the Mark May suicide watch. Dr. Lou needs to talk him down off the ledge.
by hobeg8r on Sep 26, 2008 9:23 AM EDT reply actions
It much be a bizarre kind of hell to be a USC fan…
“Who do we play this week?” Top Ten Ohio State. “Whew, I can relax”
“Who do we play this week?” Some horrible unranked team we should beat by 4 TDs “Awww, CRAP!”
by Pants McPants on Sep 26, 2008 9:31 AM EDT reply actions
Two times in a row now the Trojans have failed to stiffen to the test in the Beavers’ house . I’m beginning to believe the Trojans don’t really like Beavers all that much.
by mhentz on Sep 26, 2008 9:35 AM EDT reply actions
Trojan Offense Cockblocked by Beaver’s Defense
by Dawggone on Sep 26, 2008 9:45 AM EDT reply actions
Trojan Failure Leads to Helmetless Victory in Beaverland
Prickly Beavers tear Trojans
by Devin Lansing on Sep 26, 2008 9:46 AM EDT reply actions
in surprising turn of events…beavers give trojans a shocker.
by teddy dupay on Sep 26, 2008 9:58 AM EDT reply actions
All I can say is HOLY SHIT!!! I never thought OSU had a chance to win…even when it was 21-14 late in the 4th. Unreal…why can’t USC squashed these crappy teams?
by Edsall is God on Sep 26, 2008 9:58 AM EDT reply actions
Beaver Explosion Hoses Trojans
Trojans Melt under Beaver Heat
by devin lansing on Sep 26, 2008 9:59 AM EDT reply actions
Of course the Trojans broke under pressure. Not even the strongest Trojan can contain that much Jacquizz.
by Doug on Sep 26, 2008 10:01 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Trojans pound Nuts, slip softly against Beavers. Next up: the big O.
by URBN G8R on Sep 26, 2008 10:02 AM EDT reply actions
From this day forth, in my mind at least, referring to a team as “tOSU” or any applicable variant thereof will now mean THE Oregon State University.
It’s kind of crazy, but we have had some awesome Thursday night games this year, and at least one bad assed Friday night game (KU-USF) to go with them.
by SC_Gator on Sep 26, 2008 10:02 AM EDT reply actions
And to think I went to the final IMAX showing at my local theatre of TDK (4th time, thanks) instead of watching this…
Beavers Tighten Up; Trojans Can’t Push Through
by spartymike on Sep 26, 2008 10:19 AM EDT reply actions
Beavers finding holes in Trojans Defense Capitalize on Baby’s Daddy Mistakes.
by Dawggone on Sep 26, 2008 10:21 AM EDT reply actions
Trojans fail to answer Beavers Quizz!
Beavers bite during Dirty Sanchez
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 26, 2008 10:23 AM EDT reply actions
Sweaty Beavers Romp all over Trojans Flacid Defense
by Dawggone on Sep 26, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions
trojans not up for beavers
trojans fail against beavers
trojans worn out by angry beavers
beavers reject trojans
beavers devour trojans
trojans 99% INeffective against beavers
trojans fail to penetrate beavers
trojan protection ineffective against eager beavers
by Go Dawgs!!! on Sep 26, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions
Trojans Ineffective as Fervent Beavers Thrash Their Way Trough USC’s Thin Line of Protection; Impregnate Their Own Endzone with no Remorse.
by Jesus on Sep 26, 2008 10:40 AM EDT reply actions
words do not fully grok this flamdubbery
by InsaneCoachPosse on Sep 26, 2008 10:52 AM EDT reply actions
How about:
After tearing into a pack of Trojans, their was Quizz all over the field in Corvallis
by billybobstupid on Sep 26, 2008 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
Truly brilliant – what a fantastic laugh to start a Friday!
by Liz on Sep 26, 2008 11:19 AM EDT reply actions
Haiku:
Hot Beavers Smack Troy
Peter Looking For Answers
’Quizz All Over the Field
by Irwin Fletcher on Sep 26, 2008 11:38 AM EDT reply actions
Since I was up by 46 at the half, I felt good about my wager and hit the sack.
Now the looming threat of 1929 all over again was what had me tossing.
by TIGERinATL on Sep 26, 2008 11:41 AM EDT reply actions
Beavers reject Trojans and shoot Quizz all over the field.
Trojans discover creampuff is creampie as Quizz runs down the middle
by DC Trojan on Sep 26, 2008 11:43 AM EDT reply actions
Team That Shares Name With Juvenile Slang Term For Female Sex Organ Destroys National Title Hopes Of Team That Shares Name With Brand Of Male Birth Control Product
by spartymike on Sep 26, 2008 12:22 PM EDT reply actions
“Trojans come up short in hostile take-over attempt of Beavers.”
AP – Trojans everywhere are recovering today after another failed attempt at acquiring control of the Beavers. After emasculating losses to PSU and Stanford, Beaver stock was nearing an all-time low, leading major analysts to predict an easy assumption of controlling position by the powerful Men of Troy. However, perhaps sensing an easy “lay down” sale by the Beavers, who were seen as still licking themselves from the conquests forced upon them the previous weekends, the Trojans strategized a “soft sell”. The result? Failure to penetrate the Beavers, who quickly got on top and stayed there until the wild, jubilant, bubbly-spraying finish…
by Tampa Green on Sep 26, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
Jacquizz Penetrates Trojans for Beaver Victory
by NewAZTiger on Sep 26, 2008 1:57 PM EDT reply actions
Holly,
One of the few articles that Jenni has ever read and she nearly pissed herself
by TheMightyErik on Sep 26, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
It was almost as much as watching the horns beat ’em 06. Almost.
by Smm on Sep 26, 2008 3:36 PM EDT reply actions
Porous Trojans pelted by excitable and slippery beavers.
by 911doc on Sep 26, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
@Erik—-Oh, you think that’s bad, just wait’ll Jim gets a look at this one.
by Holly on Sep 26, 2008 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
Angry Beavers rupture Trojans.
Trojans limp, Beavers drip with joy.
by patrick on Sep 26, 2008 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
This has probably been used, but I am not reading through every single one:
Trojans break during a difficult night with Beavers
by JasonC on Sep 26, 2008 9:32 PM EDT reply actions
Beavers Big O Too Much For Belated Trojan Spurt
Trojans Break In Corvallis To Tight Beaver Squeeze
Beavers Too Slippery for Trojans
by seattleite on Sep 27, 2008 1:58 AM EDT reply actions
Some day, even better than OSU and USC (West Coast), the Beavers are going to play the OTHER USC… South Carolina… Thats right, some day the Beavers and the Gamecocks are going to line it up on the turf, and at that point, let the puns fly. The Cocks and Beavs, going at it on the field for 60 minutes.
by Oh the HUMANITY!!! on Sep 30, 2008 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
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