MIKE PATRICK'S CABINET OF WONDERS

by Orson on Sep 23, 2008 11:09 AM EDT

Mike Patrick shares his thoughts in his semi-regular feature, Mike Patrick's Cabinet of Wonders.

Fall is here! Now we get to carve pumpkins, which probably don't have any nerves. If they did, though, they probably would only feel the first cut, and then they would go into shock until they died. And then, even if that didn't do it, then pulling out their guts would probably finish them off. I love Halloween!

Starbucks' French Vanilla Scones are delicious and addictive! They make me fat fat fatty, but Todd can eat forty at a time and HE NEVER GAINS A POUND THAT BASTARD. Unrelated: Have you seen The Talented Mr. Ripley? Matt Damon speaks to the soul in that movie.

Could you feed a camel lemonade and tap its hump, and turn it into a lemonade-spouting camel? And could we name him Steven, and take him around the Sahara drinkin' lemonade and looking at the Pyramids? Please say we can!

I give all my nephews and nieces knives for Christmas. It helps them learn responsibility and first aid at the same time.

You know what else I like about fall? I get to break out all my old sweaters from storage. They're soft, cuddly, and hide a few pounds gained over the offseason. And a knife. A good, sharp knife. You can't see that, either.

What is Britney doing with her life?

I don't think dolphins "talk," so much as they "shriek like stabbed homeless men."

Have you seen Bangkok Dangerous! Funny thing: it's not porno! Boy, was the missus surprised at that. And disappointed.

Artichokes are God's way of saying, "Sorry, you don't get a better vegetable today. Because I hate you, and want you to die."

Life's not a destination, but a journey. If you want a destination, go to Branson, Missouri. Now that's a destination.

I don't believe in thank you notes. Instead, I like to say thank you the old-fashioned way: with the gift of arson.

The eyes of a child never lie, especially when you've just hit their dog with a car, because it's hard to fake tears like that.

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Comments

I still have no fucking idea what he was thinking when he made that philosophy store comment. Was it a slip of the tongue or is he just stupid?

by Christian on Sep 23, 2008 11:20 AM EDT reply actions

sweet jesus Orson…

I think you punctured my brain.

by CincySooner on Sep 23, 2008 11:24 AM EDT reply actions

He catches hell from all directions, but I kind of like the guy. I’ll take irreverent over a stat spewing ‘analyst’ any day.

by Bobby Decatur on Sep 23, 2008 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

Please Lord, allow Mike Patrick to do the Alabama-Georgia game again…..and he wants to also let you know that Nick Saban wants Larry Munsons last memory of the Georgia Bulldogs is the empty stadium at halftime. Happy retirement Larry!

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 23, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

Get out of my head, Mike Patrick!

by Biggus Rickus on Sep 23, 2008 11:38 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, did you drink the water from the TN River when you were at the Vol Navy? You know it’s like the It’s a Small World Ride at Disney. Hallucinogenic powers.

by jbob on Sep 23, 2008 11:39 AM EDT reply actions

I thought the ‘philosophy store’ store thing was funny. I think he was actually ripping philosophy majors there. Perhaps it was inadvertent, not sure, but still funny.

by Brian O'Blivion on Sep 23, 2008 11:40 AM EDT reply actions

I like Todd Blackledge. I like Ron Franklin. Why aren’t those two doing the SEC night games??

I forgot the gloriousness of the Britney game last year until I saw it on ESPN Classic a few weeks back. Mike Patrick and Tony Kornheiser should be sent to a reserved part of hell to call games.

by Edsall is God on Sep 23, 2008 11:41 AM EDT reply actions

I grok this in its fullness. Thank you. Thank you. Jack Handey lives.

I actually like Mike Patrick, but I always thought he was much better suited to NFL than to college. Does the fact that this observation has not occurred to ESPN surprise me? No, it does not. Uncle Ron, we miss you!

by Fightin' Englishman on Sep 23, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions

Where on Earth did the WWL find this guy. And why oh why did they move Ron Franklin to the early Pac10 game to make room for this idiot? Hopefully moving Ron back south was part of the new TV deal.

by TIGERinATL on Sep 23, 2008 11:44 AM EDT reply actions

Try talking for hours on end – and make everything you say sound incredibly intelligent. After having read hundreds of transcripts taken during depositions, it is near impossible. I love Mike Patrick. His enthusiasm for college football rivals Verne. On the other hand, listening to Todd talk about the food he eats is pointless and stupid. I’ll take the philosophy store and Britney comments over a cheeseburger critique any day of the week.

by hobeg8r on Sep 23, 2008 11:47 AM EDT reply actions

My dream is to one day be enjoying a football game in which Joe Kines is teamed up with the Orgeron in the booth. Those two in my ear plus maker’s in my belly = Game over!

by C-Train on Sep 23, 2008 11:52 AM EDT reply actions

One thing is certain about Mike Patrick. He is always on the main screen with the volume up to hear what dumbfuckery comes out of him. He is the Les Miles of broadcasting, where the unexpected is expected.

Ron Franklin is the best, but his partner, Ed Cunningham, is just a step above David Norrie. If Franklin and Blackledge were paired together, nobody would listen to the other wwl stations.

by Crabapple Buck on Sep 23, 2008 12:02 PM EDT reply actions

Patrick used to be THE VOICE of Raycom/ACC basketball. He was on all the time, and he was quite good at it, back then. He balanced Packer’s bitterness and Bonner’s goofiness, depending on who he was paired with.

However, at some point someone decided he should be doing football games, and he has not been the same since.

It is as if football has transformed him into a giant sack of crazy, because his gibberish on ACC games leaves you shaking your head.

However, like “Uncle” Verne and Vitale, Patrick has a hard on, the good kind, for Duke basketball and K, so I tolerate it.

Even I have to mock Verne’s description of Chris Duhon diving for a loose ball, when Duhon had a cracked rib, which he had already told us 30 times in the 1st half…

“What a player! What a MAN!!!!!”

by Coop on Sep 23, 2008 12:09 PM EDT reply actions

Is this Bad Announcers Day on EDSBS?

Is a Pam Ward article coming soon? I’m expecting equal time to the female gender.

by blon on Sep 23, 2008 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

They need to bring back Gary Thorne, who was fantastic (thuper!) in calling Florida – Florida State in ’06.

Not bad for a hockey guy.

by DHC on Sep 23, 2008 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

Mike Patrick is about as useful as a bag of dicks at a lesbian convention

by WarCardinals on Sep 23, 2008 12:44 PM EDT reply actions

Did anyone else successfully read that piece keeping Mike Patrick’s voice in their head the entire time?

If you did, and have succeed to exorcise said voice from your brain…

SEND HELP, PLEASE!!!!

by dudis41 on Sep 23, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

Similar to blon’s post, are we also going to see the Tom Hammond version of this too?

by Geaux Irish on Sep 23, 2008 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

Yes!!! And we can all go to TGI Lemsday’s after the game for Chiknwaffas and a JackDannya’s banana Split!!!

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 23, 2008 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

Thank God the door was closed or else an entire courtroom would have heard me losing it.

C-Train, you forgot Tenuta. How ‘bout having him and the Ogeron in the booth with Kines having to play referee. I’d pay money to watch and listen to that.

by Snowedin'Bama on Sep 23, 2008 2:10 PM EDT reply actions