SIDELINE CONVERSATION: ANDREW HATCH AT AUBURN

by Orson on Sep 22, 2008 3:57 PM EDT

Second Third quarter, LSU at Auburn.

Andrew Hatch: Golly, that smarts. Let me sit down for a second.

LSU Team doctor: (puts down cigarette.) Hold on there, son. Wass' rong with you?

Andrew Hatch: Oh, I'm just...just a bit woozy, you know? Like someone hit me really hard.

LSU Team doctor: (lines up needle with vial) Hold on there, son. Gonna take care of that right here and now.

Hatch: No, doc, I...wait, that's drain cleaner. Very clearly on the side of the bottle. Right there.

Doc: So...so it does. Hey, so you've got a concussion, you think?

Hatch: I...wait just a goshdarn second. You're the doctor. You're supposed to tell me if I have a concussion. Do you even have a medical license?

Hatch: OOOhhhhh...I think that's a punctured lung. Yup, pretty sure. Coach, I'm going to need a hand up.

Coach Miles: Hey, lemme see how my boy Andrew is doing. Jerraud Powers got ya, didn't he? Just WHAMMO reached in and popped you, right?

Hatch: My, it was a humdinger of a shot. I think I'm ready to go, though.

Miles: I'll be the one who determines that, Andrew. First question: where are you right now?

Hatch: I'm...I'm playing football in Auburn.

Miles: Good! Now, tell me what church you go to?

Hatch: I'm...I'm Mormon, coach.

Miles: HA! What is that?

Hatch: Well, you see, there were these lost tribes of Israel, and there was a guy with a hat and some stones, and...

Doc: (picks up cigarette) More like "stoned," if you ask my medical opinion.

Miles: HAAhAHHAHAHAAH!!! And he's not even a doctor! Kid, you sound positively scrambled. Now, answer this question: How did you get here?

Hatch: I don't really appreciate the comments about my religion, coach. But if you have to know, I tranferred from Harvard, and--

Miles: HARVARD!!! Oh, God. Get the stretcher. He thinks he transferred here from Harvard. That's rich. Can I get you some tea, son? Or perhaps a chai latte? Do they even play football there?

Hatch: Why, yes they do!

Miles: "Pardon me, but your cravat was knocked crooked by the rude force of such a brutish tackle!"

Doc: "My yacht is worth more money than your yacht!"

Miles: "After the game, I shall have crumpets and examine my stock portfolio!"

Doc: (minces around Hatch on toes) "I'm rich!"

Miles: "I think I'm going out to Hollywood to write a screenplay and test out the business!"

Hatch: No, I'm not concussed! I really am Mormon, and I really did transfer from Harvard, and--

Doc plunges a needle containing sedative into Hatch's arm. He stops speaking, goes mute, and is helped to the sidelines by trainers.

Miles: Great stuff right there. Can you believe that?

Doc: Up top, brah!

They high-five.

Miles: Um, who are you, anyway?

Doc: I'm just some guy who randomly injects football players around here. I'm not even a doctor. Hell, I'm not even a high school graduate, Coach. I don't even know what half of this shit is.

Miles: (thinks, looks concerned.) Is it working?

Doc: I dunno. But whatever I put into the d-line seems to be working.

Miles: You just keep doing what you're doing then, Doc.

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I was just watching ESPN and several players had bad injuries this past weekend (I assume it was all this weekend). Two neck/spine, this poor guy, Irby at Texas…

by blon on Sep 22, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

real life is stranger than fiction as it would have it.

by ThreenOut on Sep 22, 2008 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

And here I was thinking it was just a classic “Welcome to the SEC” hit by Jerrud Powers.

Little did I know it was a “Heaven Can Wait” hit that meant the deer-in-the-headlights-Freshman-who- couldn’t-hit-water-at-high-tide-first-half QB would turn into a skilled veteran SEC passer who couldn’t miss even while being pummeled with the same hits given to Hatch.

My God. The hat did it again.

(Repeatedly stabs self in eye with dull spoon)

Despite the above emotions, big kudos to the kid who grew up in a hurry and the LSU team that won in style. Helluva game.

by Sullivan013 on Sep 22, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

And they said it couldnt be done…….
“TOUCHDOWN AUBURRRRRN!”

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 22, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

Jerraud Powers turned Andrew Hatch into a cucumber.

Related: Jarrett Lee turns into Steve Young?!?!

by Rockabye Reggie Nelson on Sep 22, 2008 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

The stickler in me wants to point out this “conversation” actually took place in the 3rd quarter.

by SaveFarris on Sep 22, 2008 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

Do I sense you channeling a bit of John Kennedy Toole here, Orson? Comedy, I tell you.

by FastEddie on Sep 22, 2008 4:23 PM EDT reply actions

I used to write off the Miles bullshit to pure luck, but I converted to True Believer after last Sat night.

by Bobby Decatur on Sep 22, 2008 4:28 PM EDT reply actions

Word from Lesticles’ presser today was that Hatch suffered a “little bit of a strained neck” -Gotta love The Hat!

by ElAndy on Sep 22, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

#4: Nice.

And to think that that Lee kid was 3rd string during LSU’s spring…

Just once, when we knock a QB out, can the backup suck like he’s the backup. KPLZTHX.

BTW, Power’s didn’t knock him out, it was the knee to the head by the offensive lineman that made him woozy.

by NewAZTiger on Sep 22, 2008 4:45 PM EDT reply actions

I always thought LSU had some sort of Cajun witch doctor on staff.

by ChasingMizzou on Sep 22, 2008 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

Right, like Les Miles knows what a cravat is.

by Doug on Sep 22, 2008 5:11 PM EDT reply actions

Credit to AZTiger. I came here to say there. The hit was fierce, but the knee to the helmet was the unseen hand so to speak of Bubba Smith, Adam Smith’s brother who wrote about brutish things like sport female hysterias back in the late 19th century.

by Joshua on Sep 22, 2008 5:24 PM EDT reply actions

AZ nailed it. Hatch getting hurt was the worst thing that could have happened for us. Game was going swimmingly as long as he and Lee were taking turns.

And I am through chalking Miles’ success to insanity and luck. He’s a class act and one hell of a coach. I hate just the sight of him right now, but I would love him if he were my team’s coach.

Tubby needs to get his balls back.

by TIGERinATL on Sep 22, 2008 5:32 PM EDT reply actions

that is funny shit! Mais Chez is down.
I am sitting at a bar (go figure, football fan???) in Franklin TN and wearing purple and gold. No one, and I mean NO ONE has asked me about Hatch. Dude, he was messed up. “How many fingers am I holding up?” answer “Thursday”

by LSU Harleyman on Sep 22, 2008 6:02 PM EDT reply actions

http://ballsiest.com/sportsblog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/lsu-hotties.jpg

by lsuHarleyman on Sep 22, 2008 6:04 PM EDT reply actions

I’d also like to thank ESPN for going an entire Auburn game, against LSU, no less, without mentioning “Chop Block”.

by NewAZTiger on Sep 22, 2008 6:06 PM EDT reply actions

I’m pretty sure the medical ritual involved fire, alcohol, and a chicken sacrifice. Just sayin’ cher.

by Erica on Sep 22, 2008 9:35 PM EDT reply actions

@16 Is that to make up for the now famous YouTube video? You know which one…. This one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdGIbW1GCg8

by Carolina_girl on Sep 22, 2008 10:00 PM EDT reply actions

Not very funny. Anyway, Hatch is lucky to be alive with the way his head was pounded by one, if not both of Helm’s knees. The hit by the defender had nothing to do with it other than to deliver him to the spot where he was pounded senseless. His head snapped violently to the right with about as much force as you can deliver. Aside from the concussion I would imagine that he has a pretty badly sprained neck at the least. He’s lucky he was even able to get up without being carried off. Must be that clean living.

by Gregg on Sep 22, 2008 11:17 PM EDT reply actions