HATE HATE HATE: THREATS, CONT'D
by Orson on Sep 19, 2008 12:53 PM EDT
66 comments
To cap off a lackluster hate week, we salvage by threatening each other with the worst tortures we can possibly think of. Enjoy?
Orson: Ready to hate?
Holly: It's been too long since I was referred to as a "dick mitten."
Holly: (yes. hateyourface.)
Orson: I will open this with: I will throw you in a closet full of BEES and name Dave Clawson as your offensive coordinator.
Holly: [yourpastorheardyousaythat'd]
Holly: I don't even need to do anything to you. I will strand you, as is, in the Wisconsin student section. They'll love your fluffy widdle fauxhawk.
Orson: I'll die from the fumes first. SO....MUCH..BOOZE....
Holly: Or from the FREE HAM sign I will place about your neck.
Orson: Speaking of Booze: how is Johnny Majors?
Holly: Virile.
Orson: And flammable.
Holly: ....I just died a little. Oh, did I tell you? I got you a walk-on part for Ghost Rider 2. You're welcome.
Orson: Damn you. That's the worst thing you could have threatened me with.
Holly: You led with a body blow. It was that, or assigning you to Ben Mauk's legal defense team, which lord knows has to still be operational.
Orson: I will let your team win a national championship, but not with your heralded white quarterback, but instead with a mobile black qb who took money from boosters.
Holly: So will I! (Chris Leak was getting help from SOMEBODY.)
Orson: Revlon.
Holly: Maybe he's born with it. I will tell Will Muschamp you're hurt.
Orson: I will give you a house next to Neyland Stadium, but it will be on "Casey Clausen Court, not Peyton Manning Way.
Holly: vikbhwGHIV;.vikbhnvj:?BF ;
Orson: That one buuuuuuuurns.
Holly: I, in return, will subject you to a variation of waterboarding known as Jimmy Clausen Hair Runoff Torture.
Orson: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Holly: After which you will be required to pull out Charlie's post-op stitches. Without gloves or a mask.
Orson: I will cover you in batter and signs reading "Free Ammo!" and throw you at a horde of LSU fans.
Holly: I will inform Randy Shannon that you failed to separate your recyclables. His sad, disappointed eyes will drive you to seppuku.
Orson: (Like anyone in Miami recycles.) I will stab you to death with the planet Mars.
Holly: I'm telling Mike the Tiger you sassed him.
Holly: Also, Rey heard you're full of candy.
Orson: I will give out your cellphone number as Erin Andrews'. The sharks will never cease their circling.
Holly: I'm giving yours out as Greg Robinson's. A different sort of shark.
Orson: I will inform several Alabama message boards that you keyed Nick Saban's solid gold Cocksman 300 Sedan. You KNOW that one's gonna suck.
Holly: I will show you the true meaning of the verb form of Kragthorpe.
Orson: I'm pretty sure that involves my anus, and not in a good way.
Holly: Know what you need? A guest appearance on Dr. Lou: Acupunture Edition. (builtbythehomedepot)
Orson: I will make you go menswear shopping with Chris Fowler on clearance sale day.
Holly: I have three words. Fire ant ball.
Orson: I will force you to work as a gravy swabber on Charlie Weis' new 18 foot long land-yacht, the Frying Crutchman.
Holly: You'll be laughing when I strap you to a mechanical bull, sidesaddle in front of Brent Musberger, who's 97 sheets to the wind and singing bluegrass.
Orson: You will wake up in a bathroom. Your leg will be chained to a radiator. A saw will be on the floor. A loop of the Randy Sanders 2005 offense will be running on the television. Make the decision you must make.
Holly: Good, because I'm sending you to a Baptist picnic with storebought banana pudding. And while you're gone I"m hiding Big Red under your bed and Little Red in your closet. It's no use running.
Orson: I will tie you to a post and allow Mike Patrick to read his journals aloud to you. No man has made it past page 16 without becoming incurably insane.
Holly: Giant Trev Alberts is just outside the door. He heard what you said about his pores. And he's most displeased.
Orson: I'll shoot you with a gun that fires other guns.
Holly: I'll shoot you with a bear-gun (that's a gun that shoots live bears)
Orson: I'll do that, but instead of bears, it will fire bullets. Wait...
Orson: I will turn you into a man just to cockpunch you.
Holly: I will do the same OOOOHHHHHH BUUUUURN In summation: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh, and I'll cut you. Again.
0 recs |
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The rivalry: stupid, classless, hilarious, awesome. All at once.
by poguemahone on Sep 19, 2008 12:59 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Orson: I will let your team win a national championship, but not with your heralded white quarterback, but instead with a mobile black qb who took money from boosters.
Mobile pun intended?
Re: Dr. Lou acupuncture -
Sarah Palin:lawmaker::Dr. Lou:brain surgeon
by WarCardinals on Sep 19, 2008 1:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“Orson: I will cover you in batter and signs reading Free Ammo! and throw you at a horde of LSU fans.”
geaux classico.
by Rich on Sep 19, 2008 1:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will turn you into the 2008 Auburn Spread Offense.
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
In addition to that, the spread offense is geared to score 50 points……a game……….not throughout the year………
The Clawfense is actually an offense, and not a defense as once thought.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 1:11 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The Clawfense is actually an offense
On that, I’m still unconvinced.
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 1:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Im sending you to a Baptist picnic with storebought banana pudding.
GASP
(hand flies to heart)
Oh Holly. Please tell me you didn’t just threaten that. I thought we were friends! Don’t visit the sins of the blogger on the picnickers!
by TCOAN on Sep 19, 2008 1:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holly: Ill shoot you with a bear-gun (thats a gun that shoots live bears)
Orson: Ill do that, but instead of bears, it will fire bullets. Wait
To be fair, if it were THESE bears…
Yeah, THAT would be bad.
by the croominator on Sep 19, 2008 1:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I love you guys. You act like family.
“And while youre gone Im hiding Big Red under your bed and Little Red in your closet. Its no use running.”
That’s just pure evil, Holly. Too evil for football hate.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Sep 19, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@TCOAN—-you’re right; that does infringe on the “leave family out of it” code, doesn’t it?
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Hate for Holly,
I’d retroactively have Bill Stewart plan your Sweet Sixteen, and Bill Callahan to plan your Honeymoon.
I’d lock you nekkid in a dark room with Noel Devine, with nothing to protect you but a roll of aluminum foil.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 19, 2008 1:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
And I will send a mass email with your name and number to multiple life insurance companies requesting more information on all their products, you are highly interested and would like to make an appointment, for anytime,with the first available agent…
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 1:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Id retroactively have Bill Stewart plan your Sweet Sixteen
Oh, that’s just MEAN.
Id lock you nekkid in a dark room with Noel Devine
I would lock me naked in a dark room with Noel Devine, so I guess this one’s a push.
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 1:31 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
What, no threatening of torture stylings?
“I hate you so much that I’d tie you down and make you listen to my team’s fight song on a loop or, worse, ”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A-05wPlQQ4" rel="nofollow">this."
by Signal to Noise on Sep 19, 2008 1:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
And the Winnahhh is….Dept:
Holly wins this one in a split decision….it goes the distance without a knock-out punch…
by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Sep 19, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Also, a reminder: It’s TLIP Day, so pirate taunts are encouraged, scurvy knaves.
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’d force you to live in Oxford during Presidential Debate Week…and find a parking space ON CAMPUS.
by the croominator on Sep 19, 2008 1:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
ahhh I love football in the fall…. the smell of boubon, beer and tailgates mixed with pure hate
I think I shall make a list of these hate thoughts to carry with me this weekend… to keep the bile moving donchaknow
by InsaneCoachPosse on Sep 19, 2008 1:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Apologies on the political content. I was more trying to paint a picture of Dr. Lou performing an appendectomy.
“Thcalpel. Thithors. Making thix incth inthithion. Removing Appendikth.”
by WarCardinals on Sep 19, 2008 1:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Great Moments in Hate Week History:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2006/09/12/tennessee-hate-week-commences-sandwiches-bitches/
by John on Sep 19, 2008 1:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll coat you with donut glaze and lock you in a room with Fulmer.
I’ll turn you into a sports writer (burn!) and make you write mean things about Mike Gundy’s quarterback.
I’ll appoint you as Tyrone Willingham’s recruiting coordinator. Oh, wait.
by Brian O'Blivion on Sep 19, 2008 1:40 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will make you play NCAA 2003 with Jay Paterno. You are Temple, and he is Penn State with the CUSTOM PLAYBOOK. Oh and the TV is 10" big.
by psuphiman80 on Sep 19, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holly + Noel = Son of Sam (McGuffie)
Also, I still haven’t figured it out after watching last night’s game on mute: is it Noel as in (FSU) ’Nole or Noel as in “Noelle”, like the French Santa?
by poguemahone on Sep 19, 2008 1:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Thcalpel. Thithors. Making thix incth inthithion. Removing Appendikth.
My blood just ran a wee bit frostier.
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 1:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you play QB for Mississippi State…forever (or until you die from the massive internal injuries, which should be somewhere in the middle of your third season).
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 19, 2008 1:44 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@ WarCardinal
Yeahyoustillsuxpolitics=bad
by meatybob on Sep 19, 2008 1:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you be Sylvester Croom’s grippers for a day. In August. After Taco Bell.
by GTBEES on Sep 19, 2008 1:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will make your instate rival these people:
by sevenDs on Sep 19, 2008 1:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“I will stab you to death with the planet Mars.”
THIS is what I have been waiting for since last year’s Hate Week.
you guys are awesome.
by NativeSon on Sep 19, 2008 1:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you work The Bear’s Den concession stand the next time your Vols ring up a 2007esque performance.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 19, 2008 1:57 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Hey, do we get to see Holly’s rack this year?
by Bill Clinton on Sep 19, 2008 1:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Orson: I will chain you to a chair, tape your eyelids open, & make make you watch endless video of the Georgia/Florida game for the 50 years prior to Spurrier arriving as coach.
Holly: I’ll buy you dinner while Orson goes mad.
by Mark on Sep 19, 2008 2:03 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
How ’bout this one Dept:
“I will lock you in the Port-a-Potty right after Fullmer takes a dump”
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 19, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will make you, during the pregame moment of silence at Bryant-Denny, scream “Bear Bryant IS STILL DEAD”.
by ChandlerPIrvin on Sep 19, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holly:
I’ll grant your wish to have Phillip Fulmer fired, however the replacement committee will take so long, the only available coach for them to hire will be Steve Cragthorpe, Bill Steward, and (my personal favorite) DacoachO.
Face with limited options, they go with the Orgeron, and the entire SEC rejoices.
by Not You on Sep 19, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
OMG, Holly, I would set u up on a blind date with this Karoake singer who got booted out of a VFW while singing screwed and chopped songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79kRf_HqU4Y
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 2:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will change your legal name to Hicks Poor, drop you in the middle of a Sean Combs party and make you do the Kelly Washington “The Squirrel” dance or else the bomb I planted in your trunk will explode (unless Keanu Reeves can save you by bench pressing more than the 95 lbs now that he’s off the juice).
by Marcus on Sep 19, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holly,
I’ll make you teach Jerrell Powe how to read and write.
by Cubehead on Sep 19, 2008 2:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I thought for a minute there Holly might threaten to permanently unredact [Name Redacted]…(shutters).
by Ltrain on Sep 19, 2008 2:49 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I told Terrence Cody that you’re both life-like pinatas full of Hot Pockets and cake frosting. That sound you hear is oncoming reckoning.
by woolf on Sep 19, 2008 2:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll tell your mom you posted your rack on EDSBS.
(Oh . . . never mind.)
by DevilGrad on Sep 19, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll beat you with Nick Saban’s belt.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll force you to explain why Alabama fans use Houndstooth when the Bear wore plaid hats. (Srsly, find me one pic with the Bear in a Houndstooth hat.)
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll stuff you in Les Miles’ hat with nothing but Rogaine to drink.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@DevilGrad—-OW.
(She’s still not over that.)
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 3:21 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll merge your stream of consciousness with Houston Nutt’s.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@ WarCardinal
Come on man, you can’t go down that easy. Its HATE week, you should be posting that I, as a “holocast dening, nazi-commie loving, closet homersexual, ice-road trucker flunkie” can go die from “the prolapse that you have hanging our your bathroom part from the pulling-outing of the 12” Alabama black snake that you so crave, yet wish to have laws against said actions that produced the outward display of the poop tube."
So what I am saying… I can’t remember.
by meatybob on Sep 19, 2008 3:27 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will turn you into a huge Ohio State fan for your whole life, make you live in Georgia and then replay the first 3 probably 4 weeks of this season! You will feel like you have been lied to for the last 3 years, and even question 2002.
Now that is torture!
by Tricky Dick on Sep 19, 2008 3:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you try to find a job with a sociology degree from Auburn.
by CrimsonBarrister on Sep 19, 2008 3:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you one of Julio Jones’ ribs, and then have JPW throw passes at you in games.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will drop you off in Punxsutawney, PA where you will relive the 2005 Iron Bowl over and over and over… until you get Andie MacDowell to fuck you.
by texasAUtiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:49 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll turn you into a blood cell and make you try to navigate Mangino’s coronaries.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 3:55 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will make you fly coach, seated between Mangino and Weis…non-stop…to Asia… from Atlanta
by CrimsonBarrister on Sep 19, 2008 4:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I will make you fly coach, seated between Mangino and Weis non-stop to Asia from Atlanta… Covered in Hollandaise Sauce.
by NewAZTiger on Sep 19, 2008 4:01 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Re #57: Hmmm . . . I might take that deal. (Then again, when it comes to the Iron Bowl, I’m Swiss.)
by DevilGrad on Sep 19, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@ meatybob
I’ll let you just hate yourself enough.
I’ll spray paint your car rainbow colors with gay pride stickers all over it, deposit you and it in lower Alabama with only a Jeff Gordon poster to defend yourself.
by WarCardinals on Sep 19, 2008 6:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I LOVE THIS! It somewhat salvages a less than stellar Hate Week. But then again, topping last year’s masterpiece was going to be a major chore, at best.
by Studley on Sep 19, 2008 6:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Motherfuck. I was literally just rear-ended by some fuckhead named Heath S.
Unreal. There goes a $500 deductible. Vols, watch out for a Lawrence W to nail you in a head-on collision.
Fuckatash.
by dogtown gator on Sep 19, 2008 10:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll make you travel back in time and be a starting d-lineman for Nebraska against USC last year.
by Brizzle on Jan 12, 2009 3:42 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
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