To cap off a lackluster hate week, we salvage by threatening each other with the worst tortures we can possibly think of. Enjoy?
Orson: Ready to hate?
Holly: It's been too long since I was referred to as a "dick mitten."
Holly: (yes. hateyourface.)
Orson: I will open this with: I will throw you in a closet full of BEES and name Dave Clawson as your offensive coordinator.
Holly: I don't even need to do anything to you. I will strand you, as is, in the Wisconsin student section. They'll love your fluffy widdle fauxhawk.
Orson: I'll die from the fumes first. SO....MUCH..BOOZE....
Holly: Or from the FREE HAM sign I will place about your neck.
Orson: Speaking of Booze: how is Johnny Majors?
Orson: And flammable.
Holly: ....I just died a little. Oh, did I tell you? I got you a walk-on part for Ghost Rider 2. You're welcome.
Orson: Damn you. That's the worst thing you could have threatened me with.
Holly: You led with a body blow. It was that, or assigning you to Ben Mauk's legal defense team, which lord knows has to still be operational.
Orson: I will let your team win a national championship, but not with your heralded white quarterback, but instead with a mobile black qb who took money from boosters.
Holly: So will I! (Chris Leak was getting help from SOMEBODY.)
Holly: Maybe he's born with it. I will tell Will Muschamp you're hurt.
Orson: I will give you a house next to Neyland Stadium, but it will be on "Casey Clausen Court,” not “Peyton Manning Way.”
Holly: vikbhwGHIV;.vikbhnvj:?BF ;
Orson: That one buuuuuuuurns.
Holly: I, in return, will subject you to a variation of waterboarding known as Jimmy Clausen Hair Runoff Torture.
Holly: After which you will be required to pull out Charlie's post-op stitches. Without gloves or a mask.
Orson: I will cover you in batter and signs reading "Free Ammo!" and throw you at a horde of LSU fans.
Holly: I will inform Randy Shannon that you failed to separate your recyclables. His sad, disappointed eyes will drive you to seppuku.
Orson: (Like anyone in Miami recycles.) I will stab you to death with the planet Mars.
Holly: I'm telling Mike the Tiger you sassed him.
Holly: Also, Rey heard you're full of candy.
Orson: I will give out your cellphone number as Erin Andrews'. The sharks will never cease their circling.
Holly: I'm giving yours out as Greg Robinson's. A different sort of shark.
Orson: I will inform several Alabama message boards that you keyed Nick Saban's solid gold Cocksman 300 Sedan. You KNOW that one's gonna suck.
Holly: I will show you the true meaning of the verb form of Kragthorpe.
Orson: I'm pretty sure that involves my anus, and not in a good way.
Holly: Know what you need? A guest appearance on Dr. Lou: Acupunture Edition. (builtbythehomedepot)
Orson: I will make you go menswear shopping with Chris Fowler on clearance sale day.
Holly: I have three words. Fire ant ball.
Orson: I will force you to work as a gravy swabber on Charlie Weis' new 18 foot long land-yacht, the Frying Crutchman.
Holly: You'll be laughing when I strap you to a mechanical bull, sidesaddle in front of Brent Musberger, who's 97 sheets to the wind and singing bluegrass.
Orson: You will wake up in a bathroom. Your leg will be chained to a radiator. A saw will be on the floor. A loop of the Randy Sanders 2005 offense will be running on the television. Make the decision you must make.
Holly: Good, because I'm sending you to a Baptist picnic with storebought banana pudding. And while you're gone I"m hiding Big Red under your bed and Little Red in your closet. It's no use running.
Orson: I will tie you to a post and allow Mike Patrick to read his journals aloud to you. No man has made it past page 16 without becoming incurably insane.
Holly: Giant Trev Alberts is just outside the door. He heard what you said about his pores. And he's most displeased.
Orson: I'll shoot you with a gun that fires other guns.
Holly: I'll shoot you with a bear-gun (that's a gun that shoots live bears)
Orson: I'll do that, but instead of bears, it will fire bullets. Wait...
Orson: I will turn you into a man just to cockpunch you.
Holly: I will do the same OOOOHHHHHH BUUUUURN In summation: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh, and I'll cut you. Again.