To cap off a lackluster hate week, we salvage by threatening each other with the worst tortures we can possibly think of. Enjoy?

Orson: Ready to hate?

Holly: It's been too long since I was referred to as a "dick mitten."

Holly: (yes. hateyourface.)

Orson: I will open this with: I will throw you in a closet full of BEES and name Dave Clawson as your offensive coordinator.

Holly: [yourpastorheardyousaythat'd]

Holly: I don't even need to do anything to you. I will strand you, as is, in the Wisconsin student section. They'll love your fluffy widdle fauxhawk.

Orson: I'll die from the fumes first. SO....MUCH..BOOZE....

Holly: Or from the FREE HAM sign I will place about your neck.

Orson: Speaking of Booze: how is Johnny Majors?

Holly: Virile.

Orson: And flammable.

Holly: ....I just died a little. Oh, did I tell you? I got you a walk-on part for Ghost Rider 2. You're welcome.

Orson: Damn you. That's the worst thing you could have threatened me with.

Holly: You led with a body blow. It was that, or assigning you to Ben Mauk's legal defense team, which lord knows has to still be operational.

Orson: I will let your team win a national championship, but not with your heralded white quarterback, but instead with a mobile black qb who took money from boosters.

Holly: So will I! (Chris Leak was getting help from SOMEBODY.)

Orson: Revlon.

Holly: Maybe he's born with it. I will tell Will Muschamp you're hurt.

Orson: I will give you a house next to Neyland Stadium, but it will be on "Casey Clausen Court,” not “Peyton Manning Way.”

Holly: vikbhwGHIV;.vikbhnvj:?BF ;

Orson: That one buuuuuuuurns.

Holly: I, in return, will subject you to a variation of waterboarding known as Jimmy Clausen Hair Runoff Torture.


Holly: After which you will be required to pull out Charlie's post-op stitches. Without gloves or a mask.

Orson: I will cover you in batter and signs reading "Free Ammo!" and throw you at a horde of LSU fans.

Holly: I will inform Randy Shannon that you failed to separate your recyclables. His sad, disappointed eyes will drive you to seppuku.

Orson: (Like anyone in Miami recycles.) I will stab you to death with the planet Mars.

Holly: I'm telling Mike the Tiger you sassed him.

Holly: Also, Rey heard you're full of candy.

Orson: I will give out your cellphone number as Erin Andrews'. The sharks will never cease their circling.

Holly: I'm giving yours out as Greg Robinson's. A different sort of shark.

Orson: I will inform several Alabama message boards that you keyed Nick Saban's solid gold Cocksman 300 Sedan. You KNOW that one's gonna suck.

Holly: I will show you the true meaning of the verb form of Kragthorpe.

Orson: I'm pretty sure that involves my anus, and not in a good way.

Holly: Know what you need? A guest appearance on Dr. Lou: Acupunture Edition. (builtbythehomedepot)

Orson: I will make you go menswear shopping with Chris Fowler on clearance sale day.

Holly: I have three words. Fire ant ball.

Orson: I will force you to work as a gravy swabber on Charlie Weis' new 18 foot long land-yacht, the Frying Crutchman.

Holly: You'll be laughing when I strap you to a mechanical bull, sidesaddle in front of Brent Musberger, who's 97 sheets to the wind and singing bluegrass.

Orson: You will wake up in a bathroom. Your leg will be chained to a radiator. A saw will be on the floor. A loop of the Randy Sanders 2005 offense will be running on the television. Make the decision you must make.

Holly: Good, because I'm sending you to a Baptist picnic with storebought banana pudding. And while you're gone I"m hiding Big Red under your bed and Little Red in your closet. It's no use running.

Orson: I will tie you to a post and allow Mike Patrick to read his journals aloud to you. No man has made it past page 16 without becoming incurably insane.

Holly: Giant Trev Alberts is just outside the door. He heard what you said about his pores. And he's most displeased.

Orson: I'll shoot you with a gun that fires other guns.

Holly: I'll shoot you with a bear-gun (that's a gun that shoots live bears)

Orson: I'll do that, but instead of bears, it will fire bullets. Wait...

Orson: I will turn you into a man just to cockpunch you.

Holly: I will do the same OOOOHHHHHH BUUUUURN In summation: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh, and I'll cut you. Again.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.