FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: WEST VIRGINIA AT MACCHU PICCHU
by Orson on Sep 18, 2008 5:17 PM EDT
Email
PrintWelcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of West Virginia at Colorado. If this seems loopier than usual, we blame the lack of oxygen up here. In Atlanta. At 1057 feet.
Ahhh, blackface: do you ever fail to amuse? GO BIFFS!
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For West Virginia, we will select the number 5380, or the number of feet above sea level that Folsom Field sits at give or take a few feet here or there depending on how the location of your seats and how much Boulder-standard zoink weed you've consumed prior to entry.
West Virginia fans are very, very, very concerned about this number:
Every time I write something about Bill Stewart's reluctance to make a big deal out of the altitude problems playing in Colorado, the e-mailers come out of the woodwork. They relate personal stories of the difficulties they've faced adapting to altitude and begging someone - anyone, please - to convey the seriousness of the situation to West Virginia's coach.
We would pay at least thirty dollars to read one of the more impassioned one of these e-mailers.
Altitude is and isn't a factor for teams in Colorado: Florida State trounced Colorado in year one coming from the frosty alpine valleys of Tallahassee, and most teams build in as much extra time as they can in order to acclimate. According to Bill Stewart, who attended the Air Force Academy, it won't be an issue.
"I just don't think that's a big problem. I think it's kind of comical,'' Stewart said Tuesday.
Meaning it will probably be a problem, and West Virginia's players will, like stranded Indian mountaineers on Everest, begin clawing their clothes off and hallucinating sometime in the third quarter.
The Nebulous State of Dubious Statistical Validity for Colorado: 12. As in carries for Noel Devine against East Carolina. The stated goal for the season for West Virginia was to get Devine the ball 20-25 times a game to take the running onus off Pat White, and Colorado will see much, much more of him and his Frogger sidestep than ECU did.
Advantage: West Virginia, because their may not be anyone on Colorado's defense besides George Hypolite who can handle Devine in the open field, even if Bill Stewart decides handing him the ball from the fullback spot is the best way to utilize him or something else of such exemplary brilliance.
West Virginia, You've been factor'd!
Category Two: Mascot: There's an unshakable math. It'd be fun to say "Ralphie stomp man in oily buckskin tuxedo." That man, though, has a gun, and the last matchup between savage, uncouth men from Appalachians streaking westward with muskets worked like this:
PLUS
EQUALS
Advantage: West Virginia.
West Virginia, You've Been Factor'd!
Category Three: Aura. No contest: Colorado is aura, man. It's the twilight zone where fifth downs happen and where the Holy Roman Empire stage of the Nebraska empire meets its final, definitive beheading--the Chris Brown game, the 62-36 2001 defeat of the Huskers. West Virginia is coming in with a head coach quickly losing his (delicately phrasing) "emotional" fanbase; Colorado has a motivational speaker of a head man who spends his offseasons climbing Macchu Picchu and writing phrases like this:
As we climbed up and around the breathtaking mountains I thought about the seven physical wonders of the world. Upon further introspection, I thought about the unseen, intangible wonders of the world that allow the physical wonders to exist.
What can we do with that? Nothing. It's sarcasm and irony proof. You could make fun of Dan Hawkins for three years straight, strapping him to a wall in a mineshaft and just hurling years of textbook mockery while denying all but the most essential nutrients and vitamins. Then, when you were finished, he'd look at you and say, "Help me help make you the person you could be." Then, you'd break down crying and let him go, and probably go off to read The Secret together.
Advantage: Colorado
Colorado, You've Been Factor'd!
Category Four: Names. West Virginia drops an airstrike on this category and runs for the hills. And you will recognize their magnitude:
Selvish Capers
John Holmes
Franchot "Boogie" Allen
Brantwon Bowser
Ovid Goulbourne
Corey Nutter
Guesly Dervil
Not even the Spartan majesty of "George Hypolite" can put the Buffaloes into feeble contention with WVU in this category. Their roster is the San Luis Potosi of astounding names; we shall mine its tailings for years.
Advantage: West Virginia
West Virginia, You've Been Factor'd!
Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Hey, West Virginia had a bye week after losing to East Carolina. No, there's no motivation there whatsoever. Could this be an odder game, though? A hippie-ish bourgeois Western school with a rebuilding no-huddle team (and watch, they will bust out the no-huddle tonight that the Buffs allegedly installed over the offseason in grand fashion) and a slightly relaxed fanbase against a fanatically followed spread run team from a rural Eastern state coming into the early shades of a decline whose degree is yet to be determined? Look for weird, and by weird, we suppose we mean Colorado-weird.
Advantage: Colorado.
EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, West Virginia, You've Been Factor'd! Hey, it worked for Louisville last night. Reason is highly, highly overrated in the Thursday night games.
50 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Ummmm….I know math’s not your strong point, but 3-2 Colorado??? Remember to use your fingers when counting.
by Crazy Joe on Sep 18, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions
West Virginia’s roster looks like something my 4 year-old would type: Guesley Dervil? Come on!
by beast in 'bama on Sep 18, 2008 5:51 PM EDT reply actions
The bright lights and big city feel of Al.com lulled Orson into complacency. And if I may, “straight” Orson is quite boring. Please put him away.
by boogerville on Sep 18, 2008 6:12 PM EDT reply actions
Sweet wounded Jesus, but I have NO problems getting my hate on for Bill Stewart. I’m sure it’ll all work out fine, Bill. Just like halftime at ECU when you were so unconcerned you blew off all questions with “We’re fine!” and an air of confusion. How’d that work out for you, Larry Coker Lite?
by Holly on Sep 18, 2008 6:57 PM EDT reply actions
Not only did the fifth down happen at Missouri’s Faurot Field (close to Folsom Field phonetically), the Nebraska flea-kicker in 1997 happened in the same end of the field.
Mizery fans are convinced that end zone is cursed.
by Albino Tornado on Sep 18, 2008 6:59 PM EDT reply actions
If Larry Coker is Frank Solich light, does that make Bill Stewart Frank Solich Extra Light?
by Albino Tornado on Sep 18, 2008 7:00 PM EDT reply actions
Sure. (HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOUR FACE BILL STEWART.)
by Holly on Sep 18, 2008 7:05 PM EDT reply actions
Buffalo burgers = OM NOM NOM NOM.
Buffalo steaks, similarly so.
by Rob on Sep 18, 2008 7:33 PM EDT reply actions
#12
With Buffalo Chips?
Side note: Everyone knows about Ralphie, but CU also has a human-in-a-buffalo-suit mascot named….Chip.
by ClydeB on Sep 18, 2008 7:38 PM EDT reply actions
30 dollars is a steal for some deranged fanbase schadenfreude.
by gold man on Sep 18, 2008 7:46 PM EDT reply actions
@ albino tornado
Bill Stewart is the O’Douls of coaches.
by Chips O'Toole on Sep 18, 2008 8:37 PM EDT reply actions
Must they keep on with this dueling John Denver crap?
by ClydeB on Sep 18, 2008 8:44 PM EDT reply actions
Yes, dear Jesus, enough the John Denver!!!
by Miss HornDawg on Sep 18, 2008 8:49 PM EDT reply actions
big east dominance huh? Wfvu and their goofy good ol boy coach are losing 14-0 to dan Hawkins and his team of black and mellow gold buffaloes. Sweet.
by supertitan on Sep 18, 2008 8:54 PM EDT reply actions
Best part so far, wfvu taking a timeout on the 2nd PAT for being 2 players short of 11.
by ClydeB on Sep 18, 2008 8:56 PM EDT reply actions
This game is the opposite of Auburn – Mississippi State.
I approve…. At least for thursday nights.
by crane on Sep 18, 2008 9:07 PM EDT reply actions
I’d say Larry Coker is Bill Stewart Lite. At least Coker has a ring. Bill Stewart may never even win a WV state championship.
by WarCardinals on Sep 18, 2008 9:16 PM EDT reply actions
WVU’s defense is kind of shitty. And by “kind of” I mean “very.”
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 18, 2008 9:33 PM EDT reply actions
Erin Andrews just reported Bill Stewart said the following:
“I don’t believe in oxygen masks. Oxygen masks are a joke. Oxygen masks are for astronauts.”
Great hire, ’eers. Great hire.
by WarCardinals on Sep 18, 2008 9:36 PM EDT reply actions
That sound you hear is Bobby Petrino faxing his resume to Morgantown.
by Graysnail on Sep 18, 2008 9:47 PM EDT reply actions
Per Jesse Palmer, Cody Hawkins plays football.
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 18, 2008 9:55 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, to be fair, the bison weren’t wiped out until Paleface acquired two things:
1) The .50-90 Sharps rifle. Muskets were obsolete by the time bison hunting came into form, replaced by repeating rifles.
2) Railroads.
So beware gun-totin’ Purdue fans, not inbred hillbillies with obsolete muskets. And given how CU is moving on WFVU, I’d say QED.
by This Is Your Captain Speaking on Sep 18, 2008 9:59 PM EDT reply actions
Why does Bill Stewart strike me as being Bob Davie without the hair dye?
by John on Sep 18, 2008 10:05 PM EDT reply actions
Good lord, are those pom girls wearing Fruit Roll-Ups?
by Raider Red on Sep 18, 2008 11:10 PM EDT reply actions
wow, Bill Stewart is dumb,,,pissing it away….
by jamiedawg on Sep 18, 2008 11:45 PM EDT reply actions
Does Bill Stewart make it through the season?
by WarCardinals on Sep 18, 2008 11:58 PM EDT reply actions
I’m hoping Bill Stewart responds to my e-mail seeking compensation for the $20 I pissed away betting on his poorly coached football team.
by gold man on Sep 18, 2008 11:59 PM EDT reply actions
I say fired by game 6 if this keeps up…and now the question…is East Carolina not as good as we thought?
by jamiedawg on Sep 19, 2008 12:00 AM EDT reply actions
I swear, it looks like Bill Stewart is asleep on the sideline while standing up…..I bet Pat White would like to have that vote for this coach back after the bowl game last year……WFVU looks flat…….that midget for Colorado can flat out fly….
This is Div 1 football brother….and WfVU is doing it wrong…..
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 12:03 AM EDT reply actions
Fortunately for Stewart, WFV has Marshall, Rutgers and Syracuse before Auburn rolls in into rolls.
by John on Sep 19, 2008 12:06 AM EDT reply actions
They can’t fire Stewart — just gave him a six-year contract extension. Oops.
by Gator03 on Sep 19, 2008 12:07 AM EDT reply actions
Guesley Dervil, and his brother, Shoutatda Dervil
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 19, 2008 12:11 AM EDT reply actions
Somewhere in a darkened room in Ann Arbor, DickRod is covered in glistening schadenfreud.
by ElAndy on Sep 19, 2008 12:18 AM EDT reply actions
Wow. And I never though the performance of Carl Torbush could be lived down.
Someone please tell me: How does Pat White + Noel Devine + the team Rich Rodriguez left behind = 17 points in 2 games?
If you thought Auburn-MSU was bad, just wait until the Tigers come to Morgantown. PUNTING IS WINNING.
by Digital Headbutt on Sep 19, 2008 12:43 AM EDT reply actions
Oh for the love of God, is USF going to have to save the whole damn conference?
by JD on Sep 19, 2008 1:33 AM EDT reply actions
It certainly appears that way. You just keep smiling, BILL.
by Holly on Sep 19, 2008 2:32 AM EDT reply actions
And I used to think that in Woody McCorvey that we Starksville Ag Skool fans had the WORST offensive coord in CFB.
I stand corrected. Thank you WFVU.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 19, 2008 6:16 AM EDT reply actions
Jeff Mullen has taken the WVU offense hostage and is apparently asking a ransom before he lets them loose…
Fuck I’m so frustrated with this coaching staff.
by beckett929 on Sep 19, 2008 9:13 AM EDT reply actions
Re: Sharps Rifle.
The Sharps Rifle was not a repeating rifle, but a single shot “rolling block” rifle.
by El Kabong!!! on Sep 19, 2008 10:52 AM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
