PERCY HARVIN: NOW WITH TWO FEET

by Orson on Sep 16, 2008 1:51 PM EDT

Percy Harvin has something to tell you. It's a confession, just between you and him: he's been running on a fake heel the entire time he's been a Florida. Those runs against Tennessee, against Florida State? All done on one leg. He knows, it looked like two legs, but you make do with what you have and do the best with it, which was only running a 4.4ish flat sprint past blue-chip recruits on other teams. He's sorry about any misunderstanding, but it's bothered him for..you know..the past six years, that's all.

When asked when was the last time hes felt this good, Harvin said, My 10th grade in high school. (The heel) has been nagging me since high school. I did the long jump and played basketball and ran track. All those years it was tearing the bone in my heel. Weve got it all figured out now. I feel 100 times better.

Meaning, by that math, Percy should be running a 2.2 or so for the Tennessee game. In 1996, some really, really bored Atlanta producers put together a simulation of just how fast a cockroach actually was relative to the speed of a human, and rigged up a ten dollar computer animation of a cockroach running on its hind legs next to Michael Johnson. This should look like exactly like that if it all works out, especially if we get the mescaline mickey we expect from Volunteer fans pregame.

(BTW: Urban wants to see your business card. Bone? And raised lettering? Niiiiiice.)

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FEED ME A STRAY CAT

by Coop on Sep 16, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

Fulmer: “Is that a raincoat?”
Urbs: “Yes it IS, PHILLIP!”

by ronald on Sep 16, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

now I wonder how fast he would be if we sewed on another leg?

by InsaneCoachPosse on Sep 16, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

If Percy Harvin had a third leg we would measure in Percy-years instead of light-years.

by Anonymous IV on Sep 16, 2008 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

You know what’s refreshing about UT-UF? Unlike Dawg fans, UT cretins are self-aware enough to not use the tired refrain of “jorts”, “jorts”, “jorts”.

Either that or the tobacco-induced cleft palates.

by Der Schatten on Sep 16, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions

Urban didn’t much care for Genesis work with Peter Gabriel. But once Phil Collins took over vocal duties…

by Will (the other one) on Sep 16, 2008 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

I’m pretty sure Urban is out returning some videotapes.

by Chips O'Toole on Sep 16, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

Hey someone told me Jay Barker thinks we have a chance if we run the ball. Now I ask you…how the FUCK am I supposed to respond to that?

by Vol on Sep 16, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

MERCY. PERCY. IS. BAAAACK.

Sincerely,

Mick Hubert

by hobeg8r on Sep 16, 2008 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

MERCY. PERCY. IS. BAAAACK.

Sincerely,

Mick Hubert

by hobeg8r on Sep 16, 2008 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

Sorry, the excitement of Percy got me carried away.

by hobeg8r on Sep 16, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

@Vol—I just chose to laugh hysterically for ten minutes, scream in anticipatory horror for ten more, then sob quietly for an hour. Govawls!!

by Holly on Sep 16, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

Phat Phil’s only hope is to sneak into his room the night before the game and poison him with the Official State Food of Tennessee, High Fructose Corn Syrup.

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 16, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe now Harvin will be able to outrun Morgan Trent.

Also, just realized that my beeswax cards fit that description, and I live near the UWS. So: if anyone tells you they think I’ve gone to London, that person at least thinks they’ve murdered me brutally.

by now_a_hoo on Sep 16, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Percy Harvin is also starring as Speed Racer in the sequel to that movie, so there’s tragedy in them thar heels.

by Rockabye Reggie Nelson on Sep 16, 2008 3:38 PM EDT reply actions

Tim, it’s Meyer, Urban Meyer. You’re my quarterback so I think you should know: I’ve killed a lot of people. Some coach in the apartment uptown uh, some recruits I couldn’t poach maybe 5 or 10. I left them in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed some man uh some old fat man with a dog last week. I killed another one with a chainsaw, I had to, he almost got away and uh someone else there I can’t remember maybe a assistant, but he’s dead too. And Randy Shannon. I killed Randy Shannon with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in South Beach. I don’t want to leave anything out here. I guess I’ve killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the recruits have seen the tapes. I even, um… I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I’m not sure I’m gonna get away with it this time. I guess I’ll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I’m a pretty uh, I mean I guess I’m a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Swamp, so you know, keep your eyes open.

by Ry on Sep 16, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

Meyer: “Phil, do you like Huey Lewis and the News?”

Cue: “Hip to be Square”

by Floridian Psycho on Sep 16, 2008 3:52 PM EDT reply actions

Finally at 100% here’s to hoping Percy looks fast next to those vols…I mean, more than his usual comparison of “blur to feet in mud”…

I don’t know if its me, but is this year’s “Fla/UT week” kinda lame in comparison to previous years?

by sb on Sep 16, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

@16 – Bravo.

by gatorphunk on Sep 16, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

Does anyone else think that Fulmer looks an awful lot like Buzz Bissinger in that picture? Maybe I’m just having a Freudian moment with all the American Psycho references going on.

by Jason on Sep 16, 2008 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde.

by DHC on Sep 16, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

@16 – Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some video tapes.

by skoolbyrd on Sep 16, 2008 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

Meyer as Patrick Bateman is absolutely horrifying. Urban is having lunch with Cliff Huxtable

by John on Sep 16, 2008 7:02 PM EDT reply actions

In an unfortunate and unexpected turn of events, Percy Harvin’s fixed heal will actually cause him to run slower. Instead of a 2.2 (as you say) it will be more like a 6.2. You see, the repairing of the heal also strengthened the the muscles connecting it to the rest of the foot. Ironically, these muscles (for him) are made of slow-twitch fibers instead of fast-twitch. So now, instead of blowing by defenders, he would be much better at putting on a sweatsuit and playing a nice round of squash with that sweet old Mary who just got a hip replacement but somehow escaped from the old folks home.

by www.southbendblarney.com on Sep 17, 2008 12:09 AM EDT reply actions