DON'T STOP ME. I'M ALREADY DEAD

by Orson on Sep 16, 2008 2:51 PM EDT

At first I thought, "A gun. Yeah, that's the medicine there." But these damn fingers are too fat to fit into a trigger. See? I can't even do suicide right? Most other mascots would just, you know, "la-di-da BOOM!"? Get it done, right?

I can't even do that right. I'm a failure at suicide. I can't understate how badly this makes me want to die even worse. Have you ever really craved a meal, like Burger King's Chicken Fries? I am just like that right now, but for death. And I can't even do it right.

Hanging? LOOK AT ME! I don't even have a neck to snap.

Hell, I don't have any bones at all. I tried jumping, oh I did, and bounced for a block with everyone pointing and laughing. They thought I was being funny. (MY WHOLE LIFE AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS BEING FUNNY!!!). I don't know if I have flubber or if I'm made of cork or have organs or whatever. That's how pathetic I am. I don't even know where to start when it comes to killing me.

If you want to help, here's what you can do. Go find a steamroller. Steal it. Come back here, and let me lay down in front of it. Then, drive it over me until I stop talking. Until then, our conversation is over.

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And waste your precious bodily fluids on the concrete? No sir. A nice-sized vice, a clean trash can and lots of vodka is what we need right hur.

by The Fake Gimel Martinez on Sep 16, 2008 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

Somebody is getting a juicer for Christmas

by Kerwin4two on Sep 16, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Otto can just put on some lipstick and a wig and talk back to Jim Brown. That should prevent the talking part for a while at least.

by rjsplow on Sep 16, 2008 3:14 PM EDT reply actions

Had a professor did undergrad at Syracuse – His room mate tried 3 times to commit suicide on Campus – failed everytime.

Borken ankle after jumping off a building

Threw up the overdose

Rope broke.

Guess nothing has changed….

by JLJ on Sep 16, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

At first the picture did not come in on my screne, and I was shocked that Mangino was so down about KU’s loss on Friday…

by skinnyphatman on Sep 16, 2008 3:21 PM EDT reply actions

Scratch my initial request: Let’s fire up a Fruit Fucker 2000 instead.

by The Fake Gimel Martinez on Sep 16, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

@ #6 – Someone should use the Fruit Fucker on Greg Robinson’s balls, instead.

by GamecockTony on Sep 16, 2008 3:29 PM EDT reply actions

Jim Boeheim and whomever the lax coach is think this is a bit harsh.

by Coop on Sep 16, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

It’s GERG Robinson, not GREG.

As in “Both AUbarn & Starksville Ag Skool’s offenses were all Gerged up last Saturday night.”

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 16, 2008 3:59 PM EDT reply actions

Why not try sparring with Charlie Steiner again?

by mattain on Sep 16, 2008 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

now that is funny

by King Harvest on Sep 16, 2008 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

Are we ever going to see Britney’s nipple slip on this site? Every time I click on it at work I get a reprimand from I.S.

by Tricky Dick on Sep 16, 2008 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Just keep playing like you did against Penn St., you’ll get there.

by PW on Sep 16, 2008 5:03 PM EDT reply actions

Sooo, I guess this means there’s a bucket of kittens with their heads torn off somewhere, and that didn’t do the trick.

by Brian on Sep 16, 2008 5:08 PM EDT reply actions

Heard on SportsCenter this AM in a discussion of how good Donovan McNabb is: “He’s so good that he made Syracuse a winning team.”

by Brandon Lang on Sep 16, 2008 6:22 PM EDT reply actions

rejoyce! i’m not the only person who reads both EDSBS and Penny Arcade!!

jock nerds unite!

by GoalieLax on Sep 16, 2008 7:04 PM EDT reply actions

Nothing short of Fruit Fucker Prime is taking that thing down. Sweet Fancy Moses!

by TJ on Sep 16, 2008 8:43 PM EDT reply actions

Got no job? Got no home? Hungry and alone and nowhere to turn? Think Your life sucks? Well it could be worse, just look at this guy!

by shanensga on Sep 16, 2008 9:35 PM EDT reply actions

Chin up Otto,

John Cusack couldn’t do it right either and he wound up winning a ski race on one leg and bagging the wholesome-yet-hot foreign exchange student next door.

by CincySooner on Sep 17, 2008 8:58 AM EDT reply actions