YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING: WHERE CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE?
by Orson on Sep 11, 2008 11:25 AM EDT
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PrintI know what you're thinking officer. You've just seen a guy ripping sweet curves on his Harley at 3 in the morning in the rain. So you chase him, because you're thinking, I wanna know that guy's secret. Not because he's hammered and driving 125 miles an hour in figure eights down a dark two-lane road.
No, you just feel the funk as I go by, right? The man-ness coming off me in torrents thicker than the rain itself. I know how it works.
So you hit the bright and shinies, and even though you couldn't catch him if you tried, he pulls over. Because he's a gentleman. The kind of man who, in barbarian times, would offer you his wife for the evening. And videotape it. And watch it crying later. Did I say too much? No way. I'm in touch with my emotions, here. It's just another facet to this 24 karat full spectrum manhood that's got you chasing me down the road on a night when you'd rather be sitting in your squad car masturbating to porn on your cell phone.
But then just when you think, man how cool can this guy be? How lucky am I this evening to get the chance to skim some cool off this deep reservoir of pure man-tao?
You see this:
You're damn right that's beer. A whole goddamn helmet full of it. You might be asking: but how do you breathe it? Answer: IT'S OXYGENATED. Ever seen The Abyss, where aliens live at the bottom of the ocean and drown Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio just to see her tits? It's just like that, but WITH BEER BABY. You cough a little bit at first, but once you get the cycle going it's just like being back in the womb, with the difference being that instead of breathing in smelly amniotic fluid you're breathing a high-proof Belgian Ale--WHILE DRIVING.
It's better than being inside your mother. And believe you me, I'd know about your mother! See, a man of humor, as well. Please, you're going to pass out from the fumes of awesome surrounding me. There, that's better. I'll make you a deal: you give me 75 bucks and let me squeeze off a few rounds with your revolver, and I'll let you try it. I'll even change out mine for some fresh beer, just to give you the full experience. For that, you'll just forget about any "DUI" charges, and instead charge me with DWA: Driving While Awesome.
How do I plead, you ask? GUILTY AS CHARGED, MAN! Up top!
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“ItÂ’s better than being inside your mother.”
I know what you mean, but I don’t want to know what I initially thought.
by Mackalicious on Sep 11, 2008 11:31 AM EDT reply actions
“Sir, have you been drinking tonight?”
“No officer…I just like turning my car into a giant martini. Then, when I go around corners, the olives float into my mouth!”
“Oh, OK.”
by Not Marv Cook on Sep 11, 2008 11:33 AM EDT reply actions
Why am I waiting for a Georgia joke about moving violations?
…damned Pavlovian response.
by CincySooner on Sep 11, 2008 11:41 AM EDT reply actions
We’ve seen these commercials 1,748 times watching football this season already. This was our first thought when they came on.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 11, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions
Did the cycle guy then go home, smoke some pot, and shoot his friend in the face with his Dad’s gun?
by That 5.0 Guy on Sep 11, 2008 11:56 AM EDT reply actions
This almost sounds like it was written by the same guy who writes the Budweiser “Real American Heros/Men of Genius”.
Orson, do you have a little commercial work going on the side?
by haybeav on Sep 11, 2008 11:59 AM EDT reply actions
I thought that the recapitulation theory had been disproved. As a mammal, the addition of “beer gills” would certainly be welcomed.
by hlh on Sep 11, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions
How appropriate is it that there are Ole Pi$$ ringtones being offered for sale with this post.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 11, 2008 12:13 PM EDT reply actions
Fun fact: eight people were murdered during production of this PSA for making “shaken, not stirred” puns. No charges were filed.
by Moleculo on Sep 11, 2008 12:23 PM EDT reply actions
That looks like bill callahan in the helmet.
by elsandicho on Sep 11, 2008 12:23 PM EDT reply actions
@13
I had that fatty pegged as Stafford from the beginning.
Beer does make you fat, you know. ’Specially kegfuls of the stuff.
/ requested UGA DUI reference
by NativeSon on Sep 11, 2008 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
Buzzed driving is drunk driving!
Over the limit, under arrest.
+ a jillion cocktails to That 5.0 Guy at #7. Good to know all these dui/pot ads are a nationally shared pain, and not just here in Florida.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 11, 2008 12:45 PM EDT reply actions
How did you get Jeremy Shockey to write this post?
by Harris on Sep 11, 2008 12:51 PM EDT reply actions
Hate to burst your bubble Allahver, I’m in FL too.
Thanks for the cocktails, though. I just remember that one stupid ad after watching Harold & Kumar Go To Whitecastle last night.
by That 5.0 Guy on Sep 11, 2008 12:51 PM EDT reply actions
Allahver – well said. These shrill screeds are brought to us by the spiritual offspring of the people who made Reefer Madness.
Where’s the “don’t murder” commercial?
How about the “don’t take down your whole stinking company through white collar crime” commercial?
by OhioDawg on Sep 11, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
While we’re on the topic… I always thought that it was ironic that the “Truth” ad people are so against smoking cigarettes (which I hate by the way), but they obviously don’t think smoking crack is that bad. I mean, they’d have to be on crack to make some of those commercials.
by Charlestowne on Sep 11, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions
I swear, if I win the lottery, I am going to have a pickup truck specially modified so that I can actually drive around in it while literally up to my chin in draft beer.
by Brewdog on Sep 11, 2008 1:27 PM EDT reply actions
What 20 comments and no Kenny Stabler reference?
by Carolina Girl on Sep 11, 2008 1:47 PM EDT reply actions
#20, Brewdog
I love how the one redneck in the ad belches. Well played, but the rest is bullshit. Ain’t no way he’s rolling down his window and letting all that Icehouse spill out. They’d have to cut the fucking roof off that sucker to get him out.
Great poster here. Transcends DUIs.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 11, 2008 2:26 PM EDT reply actions
Gawd, how I hate these fucking for-profit state threats, er, public service announcements.
by Sgt. Barwis's Beatdown Brigade on Sep 11, 2008 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
You know the whole thing is bogus from the very first paragraph. There is no way a Hog is doing 125 MPH around curves at 3AM. Heck, the only reason a Hog rider would even be riding at that time of night is because he just got finished fixing an oil leak or broken tranny!
by Elrod on Sep 11, 2008 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t worry Allahvr, we get those in California too, so they are national.
Those PSA’s used to be a condition of getting a broadcasting liscence and the stations had to offer them up for free. Now lots of tax money goes to them because those broadcast conglomerates really need the money.
by oc phil on Sep 11, 2008 4:10 PM EDT reply actions
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