HAMSTRUNG: THE INJURY REPORT

by Orson on Sep 10, 2008 3:33 PM EDT

This week's injury reports compiles the most significant injuries impacting games this weekend from our corps of top-flight sources and wire reports.

Notre Dame: QB Jimmy Clausen, split ends. Game-time decision.

Ohio State: Beanie Wells, Foot. He will play, but will wear a protective chinstrap beard as a precaution.

Better safe than sorry: strap it on, Beanie.

South Florida: Jim Leavitt, fractured vocal cords. Day-to-day.

Oklahoma: No injuries. Assholes.

Maryland: QB Chris Turner, severe stroke. Expected to play with no visible effects against Cal.

Missouri: QB Chase Daniel, gout, lumbago, and arthritis. Expected to play.

Syracuse: Syracuse. Out four months at least.

Tennessee: RB Arian Foster: Seventh Day Adventist, out indefinitely. Jonathan Crompton: evolution. Expected to play.

West Virginia: 3rd degree burns to dignity. Expected to play.

Virginia Tech: FB Devin Perez, food poisoning. No, really: food poisoning. It takes serious, doo-doo meat gut-rot to keep you out this long, like the kind you get by mistakenly ordering Wendy's new U-238 Burger: guaranteed to give you Das Boot.

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Krystal burgers, Varsity food (any of it), JR Crickets wings, PBR in mass quantities (any other way?), Dreamland in Alpharetta not T-town /I bow down, Skyline Chili, any stop by Todd Blackledge on Taste of the Town… Other things guaranteed to give you Das Boot!

by skinnyphatman on Sep 10, 2008 3:41 PM EDT reply actions

You forgot:

Steve Spurrier: Bruised Ego, Will coach but will require surgurey in the off-season.

by Brian on Sep 10, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

@2 – Job replacement surgery.. that’s always a tough one to recover from… normally at least 2 seasons. Unless you’re Urban Meyer.

by ALGator on Sep 10, 2008 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

Clausen’s hair is disgusting. Bring back the ostrich ’do. There, I said it.

by Domer Guy on Sep 10, 2008 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

I think Clausen should rock the white guy dreads.

by Biggus Rickus on Sep 10, 2008 4:30 PM EDT reply actions

Clausen should play it safe and go with the Jesse Palmer faux-hawk. What a douche.

by paco on Sep 10, 2008 4:38 PM EDT reply actions

Miami – Randy Shannon – unknown injury to his hand. Still probable that he won’t shake the opposing coach’s hand if he feels the least big “slighted.”

by hobeg8r on Sep 10, 2008 4:39 PM EDT reply actions

Correction to post above – least bit slighted.

by hobeg8r on Sep 10, 2008 4:39 PM EDT reply actions

Clausen just needs to grow a complimentary mustache and he’ll be fine

by NDTom on Sep 10, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions

Jimmy Clausen should call his haircut the
Bi-Curly-ous…..

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 10, 2008 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Hey, don’t laugh at split-ends. They are serious injuries. Bad hair days can just ruin your week.

by blon on Sep 10, 2008 4:49 PM EDT reply actions

Washington: Team celebrations. Out.

Tennessee: Fulmer, Neuheiseled. Ambivalent.

Cal: Jahvid Best, Fatigue. Too much running free.

by Brian O'Blivion on Sep 10, 2008 4:54 PM EDT reply actions

Charlie Weis has had a bad hair life, despite massive infusions of Vitalis.

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 10, 2008 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

A friend just emailed me to inform me that this picture of Beanie Wells looks like a black me.

Um, OK.

by PeteJayhawk on Sep 10, 2008 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

You know that if Clausen grew the ‘stache, we’d go 180 and nigh-worship him, right? Because he’d look like an Allman brother.

by Orson Swindle on Sep 10, 2008 5:29 PM EDT reply actions

Something about Clausens new ’doo just screams
“Professional Ice Skater” to me…..

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Sep 10, 2008 5:49 PM EDT reply actions

Of all the Allmans, I’d say he’s closest to Greg.

Right now he favors one of those teenagers overcome with joy in the Hasselhoff music video on the Berlin Wall.

Hence, the power of facial hair.

by Godfrey on Sep 10, 2008 6:45 PM EDT reply actions

Georgia: K. Moreno, still airborne. Probable (gravity-dependent).

by NRBQ on Sep 10, 2008 6:55 PM EDT reply actions

Penn State: Half of the defense questionable because of cotton-mouth, the munchies, and a deep, unwavering love for the Dave Matthews Band.

by Sacked on Sep 10, 2008 10:25 PM EDT reply actions

Are you kidding me? Talk about resisting the low-hanging fruit…

Arian Foster – Post-Existentialism: malaise and nothingness

by George on Sep 11, 2008 12:29 AM EDT reply actions

is beanie wells ice cube’s long lost bastard son?

by cyclonestate on Sep 11, 2008 1:54 AM EDT reply actions

Sorry to take it up a step to the NFL, but I had to say this one.

Vince Young – Out with a sandy vag.
Wash St – Questionable after a severe beating behind the shed last weekend

by Brian on Sep 11, 2008 9:16 AM EDT reply actions

Syracuse: Syracuse. Out four months at least.

Hey, basketball season starts in closer to two months :).

by Dave on Sep 11, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

And I’m glad to see I’ll be watching UF-SU right out of the gate in Kansas City in late November. Sigh. Well, at least I can cheer for both on the second night of the tournament.

by OrangeGator on Sep 11, 2008 9:17 PM EDT reply actions